My New Mellow Traffic Self

I went in to my job today on my day off. This is because I work for a rubbish organisation which seems to believe that if you think about things hard enough and are ‘pro-active in moving things forward’ that they magically happen. Some idiot like me who has carefully already carefully explained the inpingements of the real world has to pull them out of the shit before people in the real world get f*cked about too much and it makes me angry. You wonder if they do this on purpose. I will take my time back though…Incidentally, this same organisation has what I can only describe as a 'collective ego' which thinks its great and routinely takes the credit for any work that anyone connected with it does as if it had done it itself.

Anyway, on the way in I was congratulating myself on my new attitude to traffic. This is that instead of blaming the morons who regularly endanger people’s lives by ignoring the red lights and such like we could perhaps work with the people who design junctions and traffic lights and the like to make it psychologically more difficult to drive like a moron. I believe this because it’s usually at the same junctions where the various moron incidents happen. This makes me think that its at least partly to do with design.

Then I get to the junction of Roundhay Road with Harehills Lane. Within 20 seconds one van did an illegal u-turn in front of me and I was half way across the crossing (having waited for the green mad I might add) when some prize twat in a big silver Vauxhall made an illegal right turn straight across the pedestrian crossing at about 20 miles an hour (and this is a 90 degree turn, one of the reasons for the ‘no right turn’ signs and the sign warning pedestrians about motorists making illegal turns’) missing me by less than a foot.

So…mellowness gone. Annoyingly I was too taken by surprise to take physical action against the car. I managed a ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing you moron’ at the top of my voice though, followed by what was kind of half way between a one and a two fingered salute. However, a nice door dent caused by work DMs would have been much more appropriate. Once again, car driver careering through a pedestrian crossing deserves at least a grands worth of damage (which anyone who owns a car will know ain't much).

So, be mellow, mind how you go and knock a big dent in the moron's car. If you can get the number and make it public by any means you can. Hope they object and you can get it in the papers...

Fruitcakes

Another non-controversial area. I received an email (at work) from the 'London School of Islamics'. They have opinions on multi-culturalism and bi-lingualism and funnily enough, generally think that their religion is the one to plump for. Fair enough I suppose for us woolly-minded liberal freedom of speech types. However, their latest newsletter on the subject of 'honour killing' (the practice of becoming a murderous scumbag baboon in the name of preserving apparent adherence to your particular religious mores) is a belter and I thought I'd quote some of it.

"Honour killing and female infanticide come from Pagan-Hindu-Judeo-Christian traditions". Isn't this great?! I guess this means that all religions except one are kiddie murderers folks!

Furthermore "The tragedy of forced marriage and honour killing could have been avoided if the poor girls were educated in a single sex state funded Muslim schools by female Muslim teachers". There you go - sorted! Pick the bones out of that one! I think this means that if young women behaved themselves (at taxpayers expense) no-one would have to murder them. Good one...

It then goes on about 'Muslim children'. Now as Richard Dawkins explains so well, there are of course no such people as 'Muslim children' (or those of any other religion), only those of Muslim parents (or those of any other religion). Anyway, at school said children are apparently exposed to non-Muslim teachers (the poor dears) making Muslim schools "crucial for Muslim children because western education makes a man/woman stupid". There you go!

There's more..."Muslim schools stand as shining beacons of light, serving as one of the most crucial factors which protect Muslim children from the onslaught of Eurocentricism, homosexuality, racism and secular values and traditions".

So there you go (again). I must enlighten my non-religious racist gay friends in Europe. If they're not murdering babies - or was that just every other religeon? Conversion surely beckons.

I'm sure the world is full of such toss but this email was sent to my inbox. Welcome to the 21st century.

Stepford Builds a Bonfire

This is the almost famous ‘dance school story’. If I could be bothered the prose below could be edited and polished into something better. But I can’t, you’ll just have to read it if you’re interested and write an essay on how much more brief, pithy and amusing this story could’ve been. If I did sort it out it’d just never get done…

This is a weird one…First thing is it’s a blog about blogging. Bad start I know. However, it seems my blogging has offended ‘people’. Normally it’d be ‘hurray to that’ considering some of the scumbag firms and idiot behaviour I comment on. However this time I’m going to explain the whole thing as, believe it or not, I’ve apparently offended people at a local dance school. I am not making this up!

What did I do to incur ballet tapping wrath? Who did I upset? How? Why? Well, it seems that someone noticed a blog entry from June 2007 and they’re now getting cross about it. Parents up in arms, dancers upset, police inspectors married to dance teachers fully informed, legal action threatened no less.

So…here’s the original entry with the name of the dance school removed (more on that later)

“Well there wasn't a sign officer
Saturday night and its ‘Showtime’ for the...Name of School censored!Along with the various dances done by the juniors the ‘seniors’ (a group of young women aged 18 to 20 something) entertain us with leotards, tight tights and split short skirts -all in scarlet and black. They sit astride chairs to the tune of ‘Hey Big Spender’, do the splits and writhe around in a variety of downright provocative ways.Then, unfortunately, a slight altercation with the stewards just before the interval. Well, they didn't have a sign saying ‘No Wanking’...”

I thought this was funny. Nearly everyone who I know who knows about this it thinks it’s funny. That’s really all you need to know I reckon, but for those with the patience lets look at what’s going on is this little story…It’s not great to have to analyse but I’m defending myself so I think it’s necessary.

This story is an example of what I imagine must be a very well established comic technique. You start with a real situation and gradually twist it into something bizarre and / or unexpected and a bit odd - hence the laugh. The twist can be gradual or sudden. In this I guess it’s ‘slight followed by extreme’. There’s even a punch line. I thought this was a good ‘un.

So, what’s happening here? Well I, or perhaps my ‘story telling persona’ did actually attend this event, it was 100% real. So, that’s paragraph 1. Paragraph 2 has a slight shift at the end in the phrase ‘downright provocative’. This is designed to introduce the slightly ‘odd’ bit and start the (probably unconscious) questions such as ‘was the provocative-ness (or provocation I suppose but that doesn’t sound right) intended, or merely in the eye of the story teller? So, you either find it potentially funny or disturbing or simply descriptive to taste. Presumably no-one very much gets offended so far (but who knows, there are some strange people about…)

So, on to par 3. The ‘slight altercation with the stewards’ is deliberately brief and ambiguous – where could this be going? What can have happened? How could this be related to the previous paragraph? Then the punch-line. Just to be absolutely clear, it’s here where I accuse myself (or my story telling persona) of masturbating in the audience - and have very strongly implied that there were stewards who noticed this resulting in an ‘altercation’ – more comic implication.

OK, so where’s any possible offence lie? Could it be that someone has taken it literally, if only partially? – Unlikely you would think but who knows…

Now call me stupid but just in case, in what kind of world (other than the comic one) would someone be seen / caught masturbating in public, have some sort of bust-up with stewards and then be allowed to see the second half of the show? Oh, then this same person in this same world then TELLS THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT VIA THE INTERNET.

So, just to be clear, there was no masturbation, no altercation with stewards. This was MADE UP (I can’t believe I’m saying this by the way…)


Anyway, I have 3 bits of evidence that hint at the nature of the ‘offence taken.

First up we have the head of the school. I hear a story of threats of legal action (it’d be really interesting to know which law has been broken) and the fact that a senior police officer has been informed. My source was confronted with a print-out of the blog entry (!) and also informed that other parts of the blog were offensive. This is interesting in itself as once people are on their humourless high horse they cease to be able to read properly.

For example, it seems I used the word ‘Paki’ in my blog. I was intrigued as to where on earth I might’ve used the word. If I had used it I assumed it would’ve been in inverted commas in some comment about the things people say. So, I checked and discovered that I have never used the word in my blog. The only reference that’s close mentions ‘rural Pakistan’ (I get around don’t I?!) It’s funny how people get impressions. Looks like someone decided they didn’t like the blog and somehow convinced themselves that I also used racist language or something. Having said that, this is all second hand so maybe it’s another wrong impression.

A strange Bloggy thing by the way is that if people add comments to your blog (yes I know there’ll be some clever technical set-up thing you can do) you don’t actually see them. I write my blog I don’t go back and admire it, particularly if it was written months ago.

Anyway, the second piece of evidence is from ‘Disgusted Dancer’ (no, really, this is true…) who it would seem felt strong enough about this to sign up to Blogger just to leave this comment

“I am glad you enjoyed the show so much, lovely to hear how much you enjoyed your own daughter's appearance and not just the 'seniors'. I am thinking you are a little uneducated in the field of dance. Oh a by the way, tights are meant to be tight”

I assume the first sentence is sarcasm. A comment on the fact that I only mentioned the ‘seniors’ I guess. Fair enough if this was some sort of review I guess. Actually I probably wouldn’t have included the performance of my daughter in a story about wanking – That would be in even worse taste than my story. I should try harder next time I suppose. ‘Disgusted Dancer’ picks me up on saying ‘tight tights’ which I think is a bit harsh since I could certainly claim this is a ‘device’ like ‘short shorts’ or something. Anyway, I don’t want to slag off Disgusted though it’d have been helpful if she’d said ‘I’m offended and here’s why’. But I think there’s a hint in the ‘I am thinking’ line. Leaving aside the throwing grammatical glass houses / stones thing (‘I think’ would do…) that thing about being ‘uneducated in the field of dance’ hints at what I think may be going on, namely the relationship (or otherwise) of sex to dance or at least sex to dance in this particular show.

Before going on about that let’s talk about ‘Disgusted Parent’. They do have a Blogger name but I’m not going to give you that – probably more on that too if I don’t run out of energy. Anyway, Disgusted Parent says “How dare you insult the integrity and talent of the children especially the senior girls. They have worked so hard and do not deserve this sick review”.

There’s a lot to go for in this fairly short sentence. Could someone have thought this was a ‘review’ of some sort? Or is it a way of saying ‘comment’ or story’ or whatever? Obviously I don’t know. I don’t know if you can reply to a comment directly on Blogger otherwise I probably would. Anyway, first of all it’s an interesting use of the word ‘children’. No mention at all in my story of children or any implication that the dancers hadn’t worked hard or weren’t good except I guess by omission (rather than ‘emission’ which I suppose might’ve been implied – another joke that won’t be appreciated!).

So what’s going on? People may be offended by ‘black humour’ or rude words but I’m not even going to defend myself on that. They should get out more if that’s the case. To be honest no-one seems to have thought that (though I don’t know; strange people etc.)

There are 2 more likely reasons.

First is the ‘association’ thing i.e. having my blog associated with their school and on this point I have to admit to making the mistake of using the exact name of the dance school. I should’ve realised that changing the name slightly wouldn’t have detracted from the story and would have meant that they didn’t come up in a Google search (if you search for the school worldwide you get only get 9 hits or something). I always assume that people who read my blog are on the same wavelength as me and it never occurred that the easily offended or that people on the fringes of joining the green ink brigade (hey, I’ve been as close as I have come so far to hate mail – fantastic!) would ever get there by accident - though I’ll take readers from anywhere. But, in a massive show of sensitivity, cowardice and wanting to be liked I’ve now censored myself for the first ever time and removed the name from the blog. If it still shows up on Google for a bit they’ll have to complain to the Head of the Internet I guess as I can’t do anything about that. Why don’t BAE systems or Yorkshire Water threaten legal action then we could really have some fun?

My second guess is that people are shocked (or ‘Disgusted’) by the implication that sex was in any way involved in the dancing in this particular show. Now the story wouldn’t have been funny if it hadn’t been exaggerated but sex free to the extent that this exaggeration insults people’s talent and integrity? No implied sexual references in ‘Hey Big Spender’ then? (NB Hey Big Spender was one of the songs that the ‘seniors’ danced to).

Yes, this is edited, but here are a few lines:

Good looking, so refined…Say wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind…So let me get right to the point…I don't pop my cork…for every guy I see…Hey big spender, spend a little time with me…Wouldn't you like to have fun, fun, fun…Hows about a few laughs, laughs…I could show you a good time, Let me show you a good time… hey big spender…spend a little time with me


I think it’s important to state that demonstrating that this song contains ‘adult themes’ really doesn’t matter. You can’t remove sex from dance even if you want to, nor should you try, it’s like taking the margarine out of a cake. You can perhaps avoid going down the ‘Mini-pops’ road but how on earth can you do dance and it not occur to you that sex is in any way involved? Like doing pole dancing to keep fit I suppose…

Anyway…I’m bored with this whole thing now. Afterwards it would seem that the dance school Mums were talking about a possible letter to the Evening Post. It’d be interesting to see how that were worded! A solicitor was mentioned to and even apparently the suggestion that ‘I wouldn’t let him near my kids’. Nice.


So, there you go, joke made, people offended, yours truly banned from dance school, story poorly described…

Barry on Briggate

It seems that 'Barry on Brigate' has been taken over. Barry's was a newsagent next to the bus stops on Briggate (funnily enough) in Leeds that sold chocolate etc. at shamelessly massive comedy mark-ups.

I refused to pay, walked out and never went back out but a lot of people didn't - embarrassment I guess - I mean does it really matter if it's 60p for a 45p bar of choccy? Not to everyone I guess. You could peer through the doors and watch Barry leer as customers went white and stumped up the cash You'd chuckle to yourself or sigh and shake your head.

The new owners have put up a sign saying that they're no longer Barry's and that all prices have been reduced! Less comedy though...

Meeting Mr Bean

I went on a train to Manchester to buy a guitar recently. Met a woman who plays the harp (not a harmonica but a big stringy harp thing, you know!)

On the way back a man on the train stuck up a conversation. A glass-house designer just in from Atlanta (though he was English). His closing statement (which he semed to have been saving) was that his name was Chris Bean and he'd been at school with Rowan Atkinson and wondered if his name had been stolen

A brush with show business there ladies and gentlemen!

Warmongers dissolved in water?

There was a job advert in the Metro paper last week from BAE Systems. They offer ‘a more stimulating career’ in engineering, project management etc. Funnily enough they don’t seem to use either the phrase ‘dealers in death’ or ‘bribing dodgy foreign regimes’ – nor even their ‘Ethics Committee’. (They do have one! – Presumably to decide how many pieces their products should blow people into and remain fashionably PC).

However, they do call themselves ‘A world leader in Military Air Solutions’. They’re creating the ‘air solutions of tomorrow’ too and apparently ‘Helping to develop our products can be almost as exciting as flying them’.

I reckon that any smack-head junkie lying in a Leeds gutter is worth 10 of the sort of people who fool themselves into thinking its OK to work for the arms trade. The sad thing is that many of the people who do these jobs will be ‘bright’ and ‘skilled’ and the rest.

They should be made to get a proper job. Our taxes (and all the wealth that those dodgy regimes fleece from their populations) go to subsidise these much worse than useless jobs. These people can build stuff - and they choose to build weapons of mass destruction (that we have and Saddam didn’t by the way…)

Go figure as they say...

Belated Pinocchio

If the hip-hop guys on the Harehills streets see the posters advertising something about ‘the original bad boy’ they might be intrigued I guess. Which cool historical hip-hop icon could it be? Well, ‘the original bad boy’ is of course…Pinocchio. Yes, that’s right. Pinocchio - the puppet.

Not only is it Pinocchio the puppet, but it’s a production by Opera North about Pinocchio the puppet! That’ll teach them.

Also on the posters of the streets of Harehills is an advert for Sudafed – something about being able to breath. Catarrh pills I think…With top taste, they illustrate this ‘being able to breath’ idea with a bloke opening the doors of a container! – You know, like the ones that go on ships and on lorries – where you freeze to death or suffocate while being smuggled across borders in pools of your own vomit and dysentery? I assume they’re going for the illegal immigrant sinus market. Casts aspersions on the legal residents though eh?

More Transport

If there aren’t trams at the end of my street by the end of 2007 as promised I’ve been conned. Hey, guess what – I’ve been conned!

On another related subject, the buses were privatised to ‘ensure competition’ weren’t they? Ha Ha! How come no-one seems to realise that private companies are nothing to do with the ‘free market’. They exist to make money by strangling the free market first opportunity they get. People do know this of course which is why people who genuinely believe in the ‘free market’ are deluded idealists. This is ironic in that it was supposed to be us lefty types who were naïve. The rest of them know the truth but find it a useful myth they can hide behind.

By the way, First Bus’s tagline is ‘Transforming Travel’. Could I just add…’to a luxury that no-one can afford’? Sadly it’s not luxurious in any way and people often have no alternative – so they get ripped off. I’ll have to re-think.

Still 10% a Year Folks!

This in turn reminds me that First Bus have put up fares again by their usual 4 times the rate of inflation. The improved attitude of their drivers is well worth the extra money though.

Actually bus users will realise the black humour there. Congratulations proffered to drivers that they must be really pleased getting wage increases of nearly 10% a year don’t go down well at all. You’ll be telling me next the money doesn’t go to the drivers!

However, there is some if not good, what might be called decisive news. It is now so much cheaper to use the car that there really is no contest. Here’s a simple example. Cost of going across town to the cinema on a bus for one adult and one child is £2.70 + £1.50 or something (their website has prices from nearly a year ago so I can’t check the kid’s ticket price!). So, that’s £4.20 (off peak). The cost of petrol to do the same distance is what, a pound? I don’t know about you but I work out the cost of doing the journey I’m about to do and don’t factor in insurance and all that stuff. But if you did maybe you’d get to the 40p a mile that businesses use to cover car costs – hey presto still loads cheaper!

I think I've summarised the governments transport policy before but 6 words I think pretty much sums it up. You can quote me if you like: 'Buy a car, sit in traffic'. You can use the acronym BACSIT if you like (pronounced back seat...)

Actually, there's the 'pay huge amounts of tax payers money to the shareholders of private monopolies' bit too. I forgot that. Funnily enough the fab private sector costs a lot more than the rubbish public sector used to.

Funny old world eh? - Designed to look like they're a bunch of crooks

Them were t'days

The above reminds me of a story that my Dad used to tell about the post office years ago. He worked with a bloke who didn’t know until he got to work whether he could get home for lunch. So, said man would nip out from work first thing and send a postcard home when he knew. This would arrive in good time to tell his wife whether he’d be home for lunch or not

– we’re talking the same day! Mind you, they had public transport back then too, and we had industry and taxed the rich a bit (no, really!)

Lost in t'post

Have you noticed that everyone blames the post these days when things don’t arrive? As I’ve said before the post office clearly got bored with all those deliveries and collections and such like and replaced a good service with ‘a reasonable service at £6 a pop’. That and 40 minute queues in post offices I guess. Anyway, the point is that because people find it easy to believe that ‘Royal Mail’ are rubbish it’s actually got too easy to say ‘it’s lost in the post’.

I bought some printer ink on-line (and don’t get me started on printer ink…) and it didn’t arrive. A similar thing happened with a CD from a big firm on ebay. Without so much as a blink both firms immediately sent a replacement or refunded my money when I told them the order hadn’t arrived.

Now it’s possible that firms just re-send loads of expensive stuff to you because it’s all 'lost in the post' at the slightest suggestion from you that its a bit late. However, if you were out of stock or had forgotten to post it or had sold a CD to more than one person or were just slack you could just say ‘We sent it, it must have gone missing in the post, tell you what though we’re so great we’ll send the whole package again'.

Just a thought.

Ebay der der der der der! Ebay!

Ebay have been in touch again. As I’ve said before, I quite like ebay. Unfortunately they’ve made a rather fundamental error. Under a big headline saying ‘Give your wallet a break this January’ they say ‘If your wallet's feeling a bit battered after Christmas, find a bargain on eBay!’

I have an alternative if apparently obvious suggestion (obvious to me at least) which I feel rather contradicts them. This is, ‘If you’re short of money, try not to buy stuff’. This includes stuff from ebay.

So, if your wallet had taken a battering STAY OFF EBAY FOR A BIT YOU IDIOT! OK?

Our Private Friends

Yorkshire Water are back with their threatening letters. Actually, they’re selling insurance which is what we pay a water company for, obviously. This time it’s superficially less scary (the last similar letters were clearly aimed at scaring old ladies half to death unless they paid up) – it’s a ‘Water supply pipe: Information for Homeowners’ letter i.e. an advert with threats.

They’re selling insurance and repairs (by other companies, they probably got bored with repairing pipes in a similar way to the post office getting bored with collecting and delivering post) but in short here’s my translation:

‘We used to be responsible for the water pipes from your house but since this public asset was stolen from you goons without compensation (in fact some of you even bought shares!) the rules have changed - In order that we can make loads more money on the back of your essential needs we’ve been let off repairing the pipes that you once owned and we had to fix. Since we no longer care about these pipes they’re liable to rot away at any minute. If they do we’re going to send you a large bill to get someone to repair them - so fuck you! But if you pay us 20 quid a year we’ll get them fixed a bit quicker and you'll have already paid. Fair enough?

The strange thing is that their new tactic may have worked - I just couldn't summon up the energy to even send them an insulting and gratuitously offensive letter pointing out their cheek. My weakness entirely, I need to buck my ideas up.

Typical work story

At work yesterday I was asked to provide some information. I was asked to email names of staff members along with their start dates, whether they were on temporary or ‘fixed term’ contracts, what holidays they were entitled to etc. General HR information (or personnel in my world). The request came from an admin. person who needed the information for a Regional Director - so he could pass it on to the person who really needed it – the head of HR!

Those of you who work in companies with ‘HR’ departments will be familiar with this kind of thing. Is there anyone out there who knows what these people do?

Bloody Lefties on demos again...almost a joke

It just said on the news that 22,000 police officers demonstrated in London yesterday in support of higher pay ( I wish I got ½ what they do by the way…)

I sincerely hope that 50,000 members of the Stop the War Coalition or similar organisation were bussed in on overtime to hide in Transits in the back streets, take photos of everyone and estimate the numbers at 3,000.

They all wore little white caps or something - strange.

Dontcha just love 'em?

The Home Secretary has just explained on the radio that plans to extend the holding without trail of ‘terror suspects’ are not designed to cover hypothetical future cases because ‘they won’t be hypothetical if they happen’ – Hurray for the English language! Hurray for the Hom Sec! No-one agrees with it apparently but it appears right-wing and macho so it'll do for New Labour.

Get Back!

Hey, I'm back!

Bin off doing Whole Sky Monitor stuff and acoustic stuff, being a record label as well as top artiste etc. etc. Too much music for these pages...

ebay

Now don't get me wrong, I kind of like ebay. I use it and they haven't done anything really bad or stupid to me and it generally works OK.

However, they've started sending me a 'magazine' which kind of says 'use ebay, you can buy stuff'.

Thing is I know this. I know that you can buy lots of stuff on ebay!

Don't send me a magazine. If you must send me an email...

Recruitment

I'm vaguely looking for a job, part-time so I can carry on making my fortune in the music business. I get an email saying that a 'featured recruiter' (from some website or other) is 'seeking talented people'.

This top firm turns out to be the 'world's local bank' HSBC. 'We know talent when we see it' they say.

So how much does this top firm pay its talented staff?

£13,300 a year to be a 'Customer service and Sales Representative' Presumably having to talk to pissed off customers or people who don't want to be sold 'financial products'. Great.

Post Twonks 2

'Royal Mail' have sent me a letter with the subject line ‘Add a festive touch with a Christmas stamp’

I quote:
“Imagine you have two letters in front of you. Which one would you open first? The one with the postage stamp, or the one with a printed postmark?”

It continues:

“It may seem like a small detail, but anecdotal evidence suggests that letters with stamps are perceived as having a positive, personal touch, and are far more likely to be opened. And independent research shows that direct mail makes the recipient feel more valued than email or e-newsletters. That’s why we want to help you make your post stand out this Christmas with our special edition festive stamps”.

Is it saddest (most sad?) that Royal Mail waste money on this kind of thing or that I expend energy getting annoyed about it?

If only they had some system whereby I could ACTUALLY FUCKING POST A LETTER YOU HALFWITS! (see previous entry on letterbox)

My theory that the Post Office is bored of doing stuff like delivering mail continues to be reinforced.

Quite understandably the post box near where I work was closed due to firework attack a few days before bonfire night. I noticed on 6th November that it hadn’t been re-opened. I mentioned this to the post office staff who kind of shrugged. It’s now 9th and I’ve been queuing in the post office just to hand over post too damn long. I called ‘Royal Mail’ and asked them when they were going to let people actually post letters again. The answer is ‘several weeks’. Yup, that’s several WEEKS to send someone to take a metal plate out of a letter box.

Be quicker getting a metal plate taken out of your head…No wonder people want to firebomb the useless bunch of twonks.

The Dentists

I have arranged a dental appointment. For the second time in a row its been at 2.30.

This amuses me greatly...

News just in from Gloria Hunniford

Gloria appears through the letterbox to say that ‘Funerals aren’t getting any cheaper’

By way of explanation she says ‘Prices do have a habit of going up don’t they? And funeral prices are no exception’.

Well, who needs to go to college to get an education? – just read the 'Advertising Feature Magazine' in What’s on TV. And yes, they do call the 2 pages of Gloria an 'Advertising Feature Magazine'.

Gloria also things that ‘forewarned is forearmed’ Almost like having your own village wise woman eh? A stitch in time saves a muckle eh?

Mini Cabs

The last 3 minicabs I have seen in the last 24 hours have:

1. Done an illegal u-turn on Roundhay Road
2. Run a red light at the junction of Roundhay Road and Harehills Lane
and
3. Driven over the car park fencing at the Rounday Park bonfire before driving off down the wrong side of the road - before pushing into the traffic when a car came the other way

Do they do some sort of test? When I'm driving I twitch 'like a man on a fuzzy tree' until I've got away from them somehow. They don't seem to be able to drive more than 100yds without doing some illegal stunt.

North by Northwest

This week I was involved in my own mini version of the crop-spraying plane scene from Hitchcock’s North by Northwest. Or maybe it was ‘Duel’ (you know, the one where Dennis Quaid gets chased by a tyrannosaurus truck that looks big in his wing mirrors).

So, I’m Dennis Quaid but on foot, on Easterly Road. The truck is a man from the Council on a very small but surprisingly nippy and waspish weed spraying tractor which goes at just a bit faster than my fastest walking pace. He's chasing me! He really is chasing me! He has to stop once in a while to spray weeds so I get ahead. Then I see him buzzing like a swarm of small crop spraying Council hornets swaying from side to side in my wing mirrors, catching me up, slowly, slowly, he’s getting closer, he’s nearly on top of me, I can’t walk any faster, he’s actually going to run me over, oh my God no! But I’m on the path, I’ve got right of way, surely he’ll stop?….He’s stopped, phew. Couple of sprays and he’s after me again – for nearly a mile down the road!

Clothes in rags, shoes hanging off, tie down my back, I finally make it to work and slam the door...There's no twist here I'm afraid.

Last Weekend

I pre-do my blog in Word you know. This means it's not always as up to date as it should be (that and the fact that I try not to say too much if there's nothing to say - whaddya mean you hadn't noticed?) So the below if a few days old...

It’s not often that you can pinpoint when a ‘new thing’ becomes just a ‘thing. Strangely, it happened with the kettle today. The ‘Turbowasserkucher’ we had went back to Romford, the WSM spare practice room kettle stopped working and we got a new one (fascinated so far?) Today I picked it up and filled it (just as much as I needed, mind) and thought ‘weren’t we going to get a new kettle’? So, there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the exact moment the ‘the new kettle’ became just ‘the kettle’ in my head. How long did this take? I dunno, I’m not that weird.

It’s been a strange weekend for reasons I’m not telling you about. The leaves decided to fall off the trees this weekend. Friday, clear lawns, Sunday, covered lawns

Been playing the Sundays which is a strange mood to be in…

A Free Gift

Always up for a free gift me. My favourite for now is from Viking Direct the stationery people - "Buy 6 packs of Post-it Warm Pastel Notes and receive a FREE pair of pyjamas"....and all I got was lousy cheap radio.

Notice I managed not to comment on the pointless wankiness of 'Warm Pastel Notes'.

By the way, the proportion of people who know the difference between stationery (paperclips and stuff) and stationary (not moving) is about 5% these days I reckon.

Mind you, I can't work out 'practice' and 'practise' so that's me telt.

The 'Academy'

If my eyes are not deceiving me Leeds City Council call the place where they train call centre staff their ‘Contact Centre Academy’. I wonder if the academitions have to walk about with a pile of books on their heads while not showing their legs and climb in a mini or something?

As usual, someone is having a laugh…

…but they made up for it with the fireworks display at Roundhay Park. Always a pleasure to be frisked by security while listening to some goon from Magic 828 playing the Nolans too loud on an inadequate sound system.

Grooming Products

As you might imagine (and as I have undoubtedly said before) the world of ‘grooming products’ for men is a foreign one to me. So when we got a free sample of Nivea ‘for men’ (‘it’s just what you do’ apparently') I decided to give it a go. It was aftershave moisturiser or something. Well, I used it. It didn’t even small nice and now I have a greasy shiny face. Feel like I need a wash (I do use soap by the way). I suppose there’ll be some kind of exfoliating mouthwash I should buy to floss my follicles with.

I once spoke to someone who asked me if I ‘moisturised’. I kind of hope that the combined look of exasperation, despair and withering contempt means they won’t venture such a question ever again, but you never know. There’s a whole industry devoted to selling these ‘grooming products’ and a raft of magazines trying to make it respectable, even desirable. And some of the users aren’t even gay. I’ve seen articles that allege that women like men to use these grooming products. It’s a lie.

Them Ads

Seems I've done enough now to paste the ads in. I don't think I'm allowed to follow them myself, nor am I allowed to suggest that you click on them as a favour to me. I suspect that there's 100th of a cent or something (for me) for every million people who click on the ads.

I really hope that the ads pick up on the content of the blog - you'll be able to follow ads to 'New Labour', goldfish, BAE 'systems' and all kinds of stuff.

I need money and in this very limited sense I am prepared to be a hypocrite. Hurrah for me! My ultimate ambition is of course to be a Champagne Socialist...

What a shit evening

What a shit evening. The bus home was stopped by the police so they could arrest some kid (of about 12) on the back seat. Then the bus was stoned in Harehills (which quite often happens) and the windscreen broken so we had to get off the bus.

I walked home to find the goldfish had died. It was always a bad idea and I don't believe in pets. It was forced on us, we bought medicine and equipment and it wasn't enough.

Then there’s the news of the military crackdown in Burma. For some reason the media are allowed to call oppression by the military oppression by the military in this case. In most cases they don’t call it that – it depends entirely on who’s doing it it seems.

Meanwhile in the free West all our phone call details are being kept for at least a year by the phone companies so the government and ‘other agencies’ can spy on us for the purposes of ‘combating terrorism and serious crime’. My phone call details can be demanded by Leeds City Council apparently, among all the other agencies. You couldn't make that up could you, come on now, be honest.

I suppose it’s a good thing that people are questioning why an innocent man was lured into a trap, pinned to the ground and executed by several pumped up young men none of whom have been sacked let alone prosecuted. Someone also allowed the story to get out that their victim was a) a terrorist suspect - a lie b) running – a lie c) wearing a padded jacket – a lie d) that he jumped over the ticket barrier – another lie.

Tht was the next news story. The investigation is under health and safety legislation. You really couldn't make that up either could you. We’re supposed to have forgotten all this by now and gone shopping. We're supposed to let it go because the police are trying to protect us. If the aim is to preserve life every member of the 'security services' should be re-deployed as lolly pop men, road safety advisors and traffic police. This would save lives. Loads more than the most successful anti-terrorist operation. A more civilised foreign policy and most of the terrorism would melt away too.

In some ways all you can do is look on with contempt and horror. There’s simply nothing much you can do. However, when they want me to do something like signing up to be spied on at my own expense I draw the line. Yup, its back to the ol' ID database again.

The last set of freaks that tried taking away basic freedoms were hung or committed suicide after a massive war. We'll see...

Goodnight everybody!

Highway definitions

I thought I'd begin a new dictionary of road use. I thought we'd start with car parking...

Footpath - car parking area
Grass verge - car parking area
Yellow hatched area at junction - car parking area
Area in front of any shop - car parking area
Bus lane - car parking area
Pedestrian crossing - car parking area
Any part of Harehills - car parking area.

Tip: If you kind of know that you're not really supposed to park there, leave 2 wheels on the road. That way no-one will mind.

- Apart from the Militant Pedestrians of course! We will cheerfully tear your wing mirrors off and shove them up your arse!

Happy motoring.

I think this is what's called 'parochial'

As I say, I think this is what's called 'parochial' or even 'very parochial' but it says something about our local press and our local Council. This is my email to the person at the paper...

Dear
We received the Leeds Weekly News (North Leeds edition) and the Roundhay Local Pages through our door today.

The front page of the Weekly News explains that a decision in due on the Mansion in Roundhay Park on October 17th - it says that six options are being looked at and that the City Council are looking for a building company to carry out the renovation. The front page of the Roundhay Local Pages (arriving the same day) says that the Mansion 'looks set to open in the middle of next month' (around 17th October presumably) and quotes Councillor John Proctor as saying 'It's a fantastic amenity and well worth the wait....its great to see the plans coming to fruition'

Could someone tell me whether Councillor Proctor and the Local Pages are correct or the Executive Board and the Leeds Weekly News? Is the Mansion renovated and opening or not? We should go up and have a look I suppose but clear information would be helpful.

I'd be grateful for your comments. Have I missed something?

Yours sincerely etc


I was soo tempted to be generally more sarky / arsey but that gives them an excuse to ignore you. I'm so looking forward to a reply (if I get one) - 'Dear Mr Parkes, as you will no doubt be aware neither the paper nor the City Council knows its arse from its elbow, you got us bang to rights, we all resign...'

Maybe someday eh?

The Chewing Gum Action Group

This is my new progressive rock band. No it isn't....

There are posters on the bus sponsored by something called the ‘Chewing Gum Action Group’. They tell you to put your chewing gum in the bin – and that’s it! I Googled ‘Chewing Gum Action group’ to check that it wasn’t someone just taking the piss (well, they are of course, but you know what I mean). This ‘group’ appears to be chaired by an MP – a Mr Ben Bradshaw. This of course means that its not a proper ‘group’ but something that’s probably called an ‘initiative’. They’re ‘responsible for a new system of on-the-spot fines for gum-dropping and for gum-educational initiatives’ apparently.

Oh good. I’m glad that the world doesn’t have any more important problems to worry about. Mr Bradshaw is ‘Minister for Local Environment Quality’. I fear that this isn’t made up and he really does have that title. Perhaps he'd like to bring me a nice cup of tea (and a spitoon if he insists).

Car sales abortionists

Last Saturday I saw a small band of anti-abortion campaigners apparently picketing the Minster Jaguar garage on Barrack Road. I’ve always wondered why anti-abortion campaigners don’t give out free condoms and stuff. I've never actually met anyone who thinks abortion is ‘a good thing’ and despite being a liberal leftie type I don’t hanker for the chance to try one - but I don’t see why the anti-abortion campaigners don’t approve of the solution. Much better to display a graven image of a weird looking medieval white woman with a ring over her head to motorists. That'll fix the problem.

I wonder what Jaguar have done specifically? Stealing from hospital incinerator bins for baby skins to cover car seats I expect. Beats the unborn foalskin waistcoat...

Incidentally they could have got some condoms from the Marie Stopes clinic a few doors down if they’d genuinely wanted to cut down on abortions. I'll suggest it next time.

The changing face of the HIV client

Saw an advert for a conference - 'The changing face of the HIV client'. Presumably this goes from 'nervous', on though 'devastated' to 'depressed' until it gets to 'ill'. Who needs a conference.

In fact who ever needed a work conference except the evil wonks from 'HR'? Keep payroll, a couple of people on recruitment and sack the rest of 'HR' - and you can put it in writing because not being in 'HR' you might care about something else other than covering your own arse.

National Emergency Telly

I’m not usually offended by what’s on the telly but I recently saw 10 minutes of the Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo. I think I mentioned this as one of the nightmare programmes of my childhood. It’s a kind of Christian Nazi rally with all the mumbo, jumbo, hushed funereal tones and militaristic shite that it entails – you know all that ‘glorious dead’ stuff. With a bit of ‘royalty’ thrown in. If I could prove my ancestors were homicidal sociopaths would they treat me like royalty? I guess it’s the scale that’s important. You have to be a homicidal maniac on a MASSIVE scale and that makes you ‘great’ rather than just a grubby tea-leaf.

I think its the REMT that accounts for a few naval fingers every year (not navel, that's a different thing). The field-gun team leave their fingers in the sawdust apparently. Mind you, its worth it for the Queen. 'You want to give a finger to the queen lad?' Have a shilling (though that'd be the King's Shilling - I guess it must be the Queen's 5p piece these days).

On the other channel was The Proms. I assumed that the balloon had gone up and the army had taken over in a coup (to restore civil liberties maybe?) Could have been a time slip to the 1950s but it was in colour.

Today’s spelling mistrakes

‘The Bank of America’ inform me that my on-line account has been ‘bloked’. Yeah, I know this is junk mail. I gave them all my bank details on the condition that they explained what happens when one's bank account is bloked. Turns out it can now put up shelves, not notice dust in the house and go clothes shopping once every 4 years. My kind of bloke then.

‘Log on toady’ they said. 'Hop in froggy, babe' say I (sycophantically of course).

Penguin Liars

Some Penguin bars include an ‘interesting fact’ on the wrapper. One of these is that it is impossible to lick ones own elbow (incidentally, I know a related fact which I’ve proved satisfactorily to myself; but let’s not go there now…)

Thing is that I know a certain 7-year old who can indeed lick her own elbow. So much for your so called ‘facts’, Mister Penguin…

Goldfish

Our household is suffering from what appears to be a depressed goldfish. None of the goldfish related websites we’ve visited offers a solution for ‘sitting on the bottom of the tank looking miserable’. It may be constipated as well apparently. How did it come to this? Never asked for a goldfish of course. I don’t believe in pets. I reckon the odd dog can have a good life (a dog’s good life? - if its an odd dog...) and maybe even the odd cat if not too stressed by neighbouring cats giving it a hard territorial time; but generally? Nah.

Let me know if you have a solution though. I'll be here siphoning up the fish pooh. Yup, I reckon it's got an H on the end.

My Quest

There's a free copy of my CD and a bar of chocolate to anyone who can convince me that they've got scratchcards in a magazine and not won the 'gold prize' or top prize or whatever its called. I always scratch them and have never not won - on the second of two or third of three.

So, my quest is - find me a losing series! I'll then contact the company in great distress pleading with them to let me have a 'holiday voucher' despite the fact that I haven't won.

I only ever phoned up about a 'prize' I'd 'won' once. This was years ago. I'd won a 'free cruise' no less. The company were as good as their word - they explained how I could collect my free foot passenger ticket on the Dover Calais ferry - worth £7 at the time I think. I thought it worth the price of the call to find out. This was before the £1.50 a minute call I should say. Duty (free) calls...

Adverts

Kind of half in jest I followed a link about putting adverts on the blog. I thought I'd baled out before anything happened but I've just received an acknowledgement email. The idea is that I become a corporate scum sucker and monumental hypocrite! You see adverts and I get money (a small amount I bet). There might be some amusement value in seeing what the 'targetted advertisements' would be - I hope June Whitfield pops up.

However, the email says 'We look forward to reviewing your site so you can start displaying targeted Google ads' which means I assume they'll say that this blog is not suitable. We'll see. If the blog disappears completely it'll be the dark forces of the net police (I wonder if they employ 'civilians' on the desk?) what'll have done it.

I'll probably be below the payment threshold too - you know, not enough visits. Not even a successful corporate whore I bet....More later - and possibly with ads!

Sandwich bag

Last Friday I bought a sandwich from the shop near work. Strangely, these days I find the 'old fashioned' type of sandwich shop a bit annoying. You know, the sort that look at you like you're mad should you want a sandwich at 1.45pm when its clearly too late and they're closing. I wouldn't dream of trying that one on, I went in at 12.15. At 12.15 they occasionally have exotic stuff like 'brown bread'. They seem to order half a dozen brown breadcakes for the local sandal wearers (a group in which I'm included, though I don't wear sandals).

Anyway, my sandwich came in a bag with one of those loathsome life-styley matey advert things printed on it, designed to connect with your 'lifestyle' and sell you stuff. So Yell.com - please just fuck off. I now hate you and will curse you with my dying breath. Why? Because you print up sandwich bags with this kind of stuff on:

....'I'd sauntered out of the house that morning with'.... No, I'm sorry I just can't do it. It's this story where a woman gets invited out but she looks such a mess and has to find a waxing salon a hairdressers and a nail bar before she can say yes to the 'gorgeous temp from reception'. Oh God - hey, a male temp, that's just like so modern and zeitgeisty and like coool? Or just twattish and annoying. If I were paid to write this kind of thing I would drown in a pool of my own self loathing slime. Yell.com have trademarked 'Results for real life'. I have copyrighted 'twats for the furnace. Enough!

Junk Mail

I got an advert the other day. Junk mail from ‘Magic Loans Limited’. ‘Make it a summer to remember’ they say (just after they’ve just said ‘spring into action’ - I nearly split my sides but I was too busy admiring their cleverness). They suggest a ‘dreamed of makeover’ (something to do with bathrooms it would appear) or ‘the holiday of a lifetime’. They don’t say ‘get into debt – we’ll take all your money’. Perhaps they forgot that bit. However, they do include a first class pre-paid envelope.

With that in mind, here’s my advice:

Always take action on your junk mail – if you don’t how will they ever learn? Don’t just bin it or it’ll keep coming.

If you’re lazy, simply return to sender. However, when you’re writing on the envelope, remember to be as foul mouthed and offensive as your imagination will let you. They need to know that you’re psychotic and not to be trifled with. Try to write in something that looks like blood or excrement.

If you’ve got a bit more righteous energy, then make sure you use the return envelope – it will cost them money! They will pay for your revenge! So, write them a personal note. Suggest they’re all terrorist paedophiles who bum dogs, something really offensive that they might genuinely get concerned about – or simply threaten them with violence.

Finally, remember to include your contact details!

Having said all that, I find that an old fashioned Viz ‘Rude Kid’ statement works well. I suggest ‘piss up a rope fuckstick!’ I also asked them not to send me any more of their shite (another good word). I like the Viz phrase because it’s kind of difficult to work out precisely what it means. Adds to the fun I find. They’re loan companies. They should be on the dole not doing any harm to anyone.

Even more cars!

I’m so disappointed that the Bill Plant School of Motoring is an organisation and not just a bloke with a car in Leeds. I thought it was Mr Plant himself surfing the red light while chatting on his mobile the other morning. I’ve seen him before. I kind of assume that the bloke driving was a driving instructor. Not for long if I have anything to do with it.

Police Reception

I wonder what happens if you present the police with a list of details of dangerous motoring offenses with number plates, dates, times etc. Somehow I think they’ll have an ‘official position’ and reality will be somewhat different. Have you ever waited at the desk at a police station? Rude, impatient and arrogant? Never! They get ‘civilians’ to do this these days – and on not much more than minimum wage. There was enough scum to deal with in libraries....so, pay them more and make them be polite - OK?

More vehicles

Next person who makes an illegal left turn from Roundhay round through the pedestrian crossing (with green man showing) is either going to get their car / other vehicle vandalised or I’m going to take their number and report them to someone. Annoyingly, the last twat who did this while I was on the crossing was in a well marked van. If I’d have thought I could have got the number and phoned his company – it was something like ‘Ideal Heating Solutions’ (a white transit and one of those stupid ‘modern’ names!). Instead I shouted a loud but not particularly eloquent ‘Oy, what do you think you’re doing?!’ You will find if you do this that what comes out is not what you would necessarily have wished to say had you had time to think.

I think attacking the vehicle physically probably has the primal energy needed for ‘closure’ though you won’t get thrown out of Militant Pedestrians if you just shout. It’s the not doing anything at all but seething that one should avoid. Just in case I need to remind anyone, there are several no left turn signs, an arrow in the road and the angle of the turn also makes it bleedin’ obvious. Then there’s the people crossing and the presence of the green man. He looked like a smug twat too, shades and all (that's the van 'driver' not the green man).

Fairweather Friends

I’m a ‘named driver’ on insurance for an old Ford Escort. The name of the company that supplies the insurance? - ‘Fairweather Insurance’. Our fair weather friends indeed.

It's the only way to live - in cars

There’s a white Porsche for sale near my house – £4,000 or Mrs Lennon (Ono – ho ho!). It’s been parked on the ‘grass’ verge (i.e. the off road parking facility) for a couple of weeks now. Today 2 new angry signs appeared stuck to the underside of the windscreen – ‘NO TIMEWASTERS’ they say in big red letters.

I’m not entirely sure that the timewasters will know that it refers to them….’well, I’m a timewaster I guess so I’d better not ring…’ At least it shows that Mr Porsche owner wants people to know he’s pissed off. I approve of this. It also shows that he’s pissed off – I approve of this too! A win-win for me with the added pleasure of knowing that the timewasters won’t recognise themselves so he’s almost certainly wasting his time – hurrah!

Announcing my death

I’m planning to eat myself to death.

The good news is that I don’t actually need to do anything very different to what I do now. I plan to be checking out / popping clogs in the Autumn of 2017 (I'd say October or November -see I told you it would be Autumn). This give me 10 years. This, I think, should be more than enough. This isn’t an exact prediction but there are a number of things that make this desirable.

1. By then I should have done enough music to work out what it is I do, don’t do or can't do and to get really fed up with it.

2. By then I will have deteriorated physically to the point of well, apart from death itself, the point of everything really being a pain, literally and metaphorically.

3. By then I’ll be so bad tempered, twisted, bitter and generally grouchy that everyone will be really fed up of me (including me).

I'm reasonably confident on this one having taken into account the various factors involved. This is of course assuming 'the hand 0f fate' doesn't intervene to cock up the plan. I'm not currently planning to make this happen but it just seems to be about right.

Don't say you weren't told - just speed me on my way with Cadbury's Dairy Milk.

Bankers

I went to the bank the other day. There was a sign up on one part of the counter saying ‘cashier balancing’. I hung around for a while to watch - It wasn’t much of a show.


There was more of a show outside - a picket of the bank no less – excellent! Anti-globalisation protesters? Environmentalists? Anarchists? No, no, not at all; it was representatives of a firm that makes leather cleaning products in Rodley. I spoke to their Marketing Director and asked what it was all about. I didn’t understand a word (though he did put me on to a good quality leather cleaner). He gave me a flyer. I didn’t understand a word. Among the things Natwest have apparently been doing are:

Giving cover on customers, then taking it away when the customer doesn’t pay the bill, being rude to customers (with proof from ‘blue-chip’ companies) and losing credibility with existing and new customers.

I suggest you clarify this by getting in touch with enquiries@leathercleaner.co.uk

I guess they were unhappy with the bank. Funny kind of protest though when they don't tell you what it is they're actually protesting about.

The Digital Revolution

And on the subject of fab modern technology, we have two types of telly in our house. One works. The other works but will sometimes not change channels. Sometimes it freezes for a while and nothing comes out of it at all but a single slightly juddering still picture. It goes off once in a while or ‘is being worked on and some services may not be available’. The picture on this same one is very often so far out of synch with the sound that it looks like a 1970’s children’s programme badly dubbed from Hungarian.

So, one type works fine and the other is frankly a bit crap.

Guess which is the cool modern one and which is going to be turned off soon because its old fashioned and apparently not very good?

Got it in one.

That Gate and a thermometer

Remember the gate? – The one at the WSM rehearsal room that didn’t work? – It’s now disconnected. Nothing left but an apparently permanently open gate and some cables sticking out of the ground covered with a cone.

Seems for once victory is mine. All we need now is a gate that closes and can be locked. This is something that has been possible for hundreds of years in much of the world. Only now have we lost the ability to perform simple mechanical tasks. My latest encounter with inappropriate digital technology was a thermometer in hospital – did it work? – did it buggery. They had to toddle off for a new battery and fiddle with it. I nearly produced my Dunlop tyre pressure gauge, stuck it under the nurse’s nose and said ‘see – analogue – works – inappropriate technology’. They’d have locked me away I suppose.

Older Hip-hop guys?

One phenomenon (or is it phenomena? - Do do do-do-do to you anyway) I’d not been aware of until today was ‘older hip-hop guys’. Now years ago there were Teddy Boys pushing prams. I’ve also seen old punks, Goths, skins and indie kids (hello!) but not ‘older hip-hop guys’. So there you go, mid 30’s and still hanging round on street corners talking about whatever it is 'older hip-hop guys' talk about. Just goes to show dunnit? – And it seems that Hull was destroyed by a bomb and no-one noticed for weeks. Something like that anyway.

Shafted by Virgin

Cheap title I know....an email from ‘Virgin Media’ It says that their broadband helpline number is changing and from then on it’ll cost 25p per minute to call from a Virgin home phone, plus 10p to connect. Mobiles and other networks may vary.

Am I to understand from this that if they don’t provide what I pay for and I ring them it will cost 25p a minute? Plus a 10p connection charge! You’d think a phone company would have access to cheap phone lines wouldn’t you? – or perhaps they just like to make a profit out of screwing up. I was quite measured in my reply though I did point this out to them.

Of course, as soon as I sent this off it I find they’ve helped themselves to 2 payments this month – so I may be calling them after all.

This, by the way, was my reply:

Dear Virgin Media

As it happens I haven't had any particular problems with my broadband. If I do however I'd appreciate it if you'd charge a reasonable rate (how about free? - or the same amount it would cost me to phone locally, or even across the country for example) and I'd expect to have my call answered immediately. I charge 10p to reply to emails by the way - call it a 'connection charge'.

I'm afraid this message just makes me wonder if I'd end up being charged a lot of money to wait to get through.

Just thought you should know!

Thanks

John Parkes

Opera is not posh - But Oprah be?

An email arrives from Opera North. It says that “Opera is seen as an art-form which is for the few and not the many; it has many perceived barriers which stop people from all backgrounds attending the opera; therefore we would like to invite people who are seen as gate keepers of the community to be on our new consultative panel”.

They obviously want to get ordinary people to go to t’Opera.

The message comes from Community Development Officer Portia Forbes-Rawlins….

Now point made there of course - but is it? It was pointed out to me that our Porsh might be black thus potentially not porsh at all (maybe Porche though?) Can one be posh and black? Well I think so but it did take the wind out of my sails a little. But of course it doesn't matter as, in opera (to quote my Mum on 'pop music') 'you can't hear any of the words' and 'they put on such silly voices'.

The gate keepers of the community are presumably something akin to Orks in Lord of the Rings - that would be the film, stupid, don't accuse me of having read the book; I haven't read anything by Roger Dean.

"Do Everday Things"

A leaflet arrives. It's from Leeds City Council. They advice that one should "Do everday things." Cracking advice for the sort of people interested in doing everyday things of course and a sensible counter to the advertising that says "do something amazing" (that one is from the government and is about blood). As an international rock icon I have very little to do with 'everyday things' obviously and I wonder what kind of thing they advise that one does - everyday, presumably. Luckily they provide a list.

This includes:

1. Sweeping the floor
2. Walking
3. Carrying shopping
4. Climbing steps or the stairs
5. Standing up and sitting down

The standing up and sitting down they advise is done 'several times'

So, what is this strange leaflet? - It's advice for 'older people' and is considered necessary apparently. If you'e not careful you see they end up sitting down and getting other people to carry the shopping and only going up and down the stairs when they need to and vacuuming the floor and all sorts of generally wrong behaviour. The they become a burden and the people at the Council have to send them to be starved to death in private care homes.

This is one of a series of leaflets. They have one suggesting that you eat when hungry and to wrap up warm when its cold. I propose a new one - ‘Being Patronised - How we waste Your Money Treating You Like an Idiot’

More Harehills!

….and in a rare musical reference the Whole Sky Monitor single Harehills Chapeltown got played on proper national radio by Steve Lamacq – ‘a huge hulking anti-pop song’! A chink of light in an otherwise dark world of demographics, marketing and paid record pluggers. We just posted a copy, simple as that. Almost like having the man Peel back. You post record, person on the radio who actually seems to like music plays it, you feel good and stick two fingers up to the marketing sleaze! I should of course remind you that the definition of ‘Radio DJ’ is ‘someone who is not very interested in music’. Couple of honorable exceptions I have to say…

Con Leche

And on the leering pervert front…top singer / songwriter Charlie Barker (see www.myspace.com/johnparkesmusic for friends...) gets a few strange messages via her myspace page apparently . I should explain she is 22 years old, blonde and pretty. Her Dad answers them! I kind of hope he talks underwear and masturbation but I suspect not. She described some bloke who had been in touch as ‘an old lech’. I wanted to ask her the simple question ‘have you never met a man then’? There are, I’m afraid she still has to discover, leches who are a bit obvious and leches who cover it up a bit better....and gay men I suppose. Ah well….

Smirking Ban

There's been lots of publicity about a 'smoking ban'. The top deck of the bus is still full of smoke, the venue is still full of smoke and, most gratifying of all obviously, is the line of cancer patients in wheelchairs and heavily pregnant teenagers from Seacroft slouching at the hospital door dragging away. Who knows what would happen if smoking weren't banned on the whole hospital grounds? Not sure which side I'm on on this one...

Now entering Harehills Chapeltown...

Only in Harehills (OK, maybe a few other places in the world) could one stand next to a woman with 2-inch long square nails, foot-long diamond earrings and a pink corduroy trilby - at a bus stop. She was beautiful too as it ‘appens. See, I’m an old softie at heart – or a leering pervert. I prefer leering pervert if you’re wondering. Hardly worth noting that the three times an hour buses came in a line within 2 minutes. Saw two mini-cabs. One barreled through the pedestrian crossing as the green man bleeped and the other did an illegal U-turn in front of me. It really is mad watching the traffic in Harehills. Watch for 10 minutes and you just won’t believe you haven’t seen a crash. There’s a ‘Leading multi-cultural supermarket’ opening soon too!

Segs

Excellent! - The local key cutting shop not only sells Blakey's segs (or 'shoe protectors') but also string vests. There's a Union Jack on the seg packet. I expect that means a firm in Britain imports them from China but you never know...Is the Union Jack a logo? 'spect so. I didn't inspect the string vests, I'm not that nostalgic.

...and let's hope that the bloke from the DIY shop who delivers gas cylinders in a small flatback isn't obviously a Muslim or he'll probably be getting shot this morning.

A 2 Pin Affair

This is just my latest 'newsletter'. They're usually more involved than this. Email me via the contact thingie on the JP website and I'll put you on the list. Or don't.

Dear All

No messing about in this message. I've been told that my fab 'updates' are sometimes 'difficult to understand what you're on about mate', so this time I'm simply plugging the next JP gig - but they are like a perfect lettuce in a bucket of slugs (i.e. rare and to be treasurered)

The Atrium, Grand Parade Leeds LS1 6PG 5th July 2007 (next Thursday) with Corleone and the Launderette Poets (check them out via my myspace friends at www.myspace.com/johnparkesmusic

JP onstage 8pm I think (so get there early!) I'll be doing some songs you probably haven't heard.

Hope to see some of you there.

John

PS If you go dressed as a cat you get in free - I am not making this up. Tiny Cat promotions yer see (see my myspace friends again)

PPS - Whole Sky Monitor are getting played on the radio and me old (very old) band the Sinister Cleaners are appearing in national publications. At this rate I'll be refusing to talk to any of you lot by Christmas.

PPPS - I've worked out that I get more visitors to the website (www.johnparkes.com - your homepage I assume) when I update the blog. June 2007 has the largest number of vistiors since the site was set up - so thanks to you both! (very old joke, and not true either - though 2/3 are from the USA, so there you go)

www.johnparkes.com
www.myspace.com/johnparkesmusic
www.wholeskymonitor.co.uk
www.myspace.com/wholeskymonitor

Fish in a Barrel

As you know, the world of 'work' is often the work of timewasters having meetings with other timewasters. Well, when I'm not writing hits for the stars (or songs for me anyway) I work for a 'dynamic, fast paced organisation' that is about to have a conference / get-together event near Wolverhampton (aren't they always). I present, without comment, some of the 'contents' of this top dynamic, fast paced event.

Key Objectives
Organisational Development
Strategic context
Our tools in practice?
Key market opportunities
Budget Builder
Enterprise Awareness
Box Clever
Accredited Learning Options
Potential partners
Gaps analysis and key priorities
Key products carousel workshop
Where next?
Open Business Model planning
Key Events
Network sign ups - An opportunity to sign up to ‘virtual’ and physical networks of mutual support groups based around our key services offered

See, no comment necessary!

Behind the settee

Wht should pop up from behind the settee but a tube of 'Glucosamine & Emu Oil Joint Cream'

Left there by a visitor....Anyway, apparently its known for its deeply soothing properties (the cream not 'the visitor'). "With continued research and testimonials Emu Oil remains one of the most exciting alternative therapies available today".

You can also feed it to your pets and it prevents hair loss apparently (though perhaps you get feathers?)

Wikipedia says helpfully that its an oil "made from the Emu". I like to think that it is The Emu rather than just an emu or a flock (insert collective noun) of emus. though lets not get into health remedy catalogues - or giant birds ruling over magic health kingdoms.

But while we're on, here's just a word of comtempt for people who prefer the word 'magick' or 'Afrikan'. Different sorts of types I know but both worthy of a word of contempt one feels - choose your own word though, I'm trying not to swear so much.

Breaking a Confidence

One of the strange things with blogs is that they work backwards - I write things to be read forwards generally. The stuff below is from emails that I get at work (which, as I explain below I try to keep seperate from real life). Anyway...sometimes, lurking at the bottom of this kind of stuff is a 'confidentiality clause' designed by spineless corporate types as a get-out clause, you know, to 'cover themselves' from whatever it is spineless corporate types are afraid of.

I'd like to say here and now that I take great pride in breaking this particular clause:

"This message is confidential. It may also be legally privileged. It is intended solely for the stated addressee (s) and access to it by anyone else is unauthorised. If you have received this message in error, you must not disclose, copy, circulate or in any other way use or rely on the information contained in this message. Such unauthorised use may be unlawful. If you have received this message in error, please delete it immediate (sic) and notify the sender".

So, I've made it freely available 'on the net' and good thing too. Mind you, it is free of information so it'd be difficult to use it really...

Anyway, read on for news of middle class people getting paid to waste your money...

By the way, one of the very few advantages in working in a low paid job (like I do) is that if push comes to shove you can always give them the push and shove off to stack shelves in MacDonalds. So if you take the piss 'on the net' you can feel HAPPY about it! There's been some shit about this week as well as the piss but let's not get personal - I'll be sacked at a time of my own chosing thankyou!

The Regional Infrastructure Consortium

More work shite...

The Regional Infrastructure Consortium will have open membership for any Third Sector Organisation (TSO) with a region-wide remit, whose primary focus is in providing infrastructure services to other TSOs. The Infrastructure Forum will:

Oh, stop it, just stop it. However...before you get too bored one of the things the Infrastructure Forum will do is "Meet in standing congress at least once per year"

The dirty dogs...

From the "Change-Up Development Officer"

More on the stuff that arrives at my work....this could go on for a while.

They’re having the first meeting of the 'Regional Infrastructure Consortium for Yorkshire and the Humber' (oh joy say all of us...) Now your interest has been piqued, here's more...

"Through the Capacitybuilders Consortium Development Fund we are bringing together generic and specialist infrastructure organisations and networks operating at the regional level, to develop and enhance the quality and reach of regional infrastructure.

The meeting will be followed by a networking lunch - talking sandwiches?

It goes on...

"The aim of ChangeUp investment is to catalyse the modernisation of infrastructure provision in order to improve its sustainability, quality and reach to front line organisations....ChangeUp describes the basic architecture of support which frontline organisations need as agreed with the voluntary and community sector (VCS)....Meanwhile Capacitybuilders works with local, sub-regional and regional consortia throughout the country to support infrastructure organisations deliver services to help frontline organisations be more effective".

And it goes on...

"Capacitybuilders is currently consulting on its proposed priorities and strategic objectives in its draft strategic framework, “Destination 2014”, as well as responding to recommendations in recent commissioned reports on the work of the national Hubs and an analysis of consortia Infrastructure Investment Plans....Building on the four sub-regional plans in the region it recommended that a number of bold, short-term investments were made through a number of short-term projects at the regional level. In addition to the Bold Short Term Investments, 9 networks were supported to enable significant proportions of the VCS that were suffering from “engagement exclusion” to participate at a regional level. Five of these nine networks and a further three new networks have also received support through the regional Capacitybuilders allocation through to March 2008....These regional ChangeUp investments through the RIDP had to contribute to improving infrastructure services available to frontline organisations in the region through at least one of four priority themes:

Number 2 in this list of 'priority themes' is "Better communications"

OK, let's plunge back in...

"The regional ChangeUp and Capacitybuilders allocations have also supported work through the Regional Forum to integrate the work of national hubs in the region, particularly the ICT Hub, Performance Improvement Hub and the Governance Hub. Some work has also been undertaken with the Workforce Development Hub. Links to Capacitybuilders have been developed including good working relationships with regional co-ordinators and with the Capacitybuilders Board....The consortium seeks to bring together the range of generic and specialist interests operating at the regional level, to develop and enhance the quality and reach of regional infrastructure as well as add value to the activities of the sub-regional consortia. The Regional Consortium may wish to fill gaps in service provision or to pilot new infrastructure activity. The Regional Consortium is not in competition with the sub-regional consortia either for resources or clients....The Regional Consortium is on a par with the individual sub-regional consortia. The sub-regional consortia and the Regional Consortium will sit with representatives of the equalities networks and organisations in the region as part of SubNet which is the strategic infrastructure grouping for the Yorkshire and Humber Region.

Someone got paid for writing this stuff. The same kind of people will talk about 'empowering' people while sponging off their tax. Sack them and sack them now - give the money to the 'dole cheats' who at least do little harm. Well, they don't waste so much of my time for a start.

My suspicion is that you suffer from this kind of stuff too - compulsory English language lessons for WANKERS I say.

Do you get stuff like this?

I try not to mix work (which is generally a bizarre Kafkaesque world full of irrational wasting) with real life (hey, tell me what that is!) However, sometimes the bizarre is amusing; at least it is if you're fond of black comedy. At my work we get bizarre emails from people who don't speak English. Now you're probably thinking that I've having a pop whose 'first language is not English'. Well, I guess I am but they're not foreign, no, they're middle class white English types. They have lost the ability to communicate. Here's an example of something that possibly thinks it contains information:

"The Governance Hub has launched the next round of its Partnership Programme. The Hub is looking to work with umbrella organisations and federated charities to fund initiatives that catalyse a significant improvement in the quality of governance within the sector"

Perhaps I'm being harsh and not all of this is gibberish...

So, I’m off to catalyse a significant improvement in the quality of beverage fabrication in the appliance hub*

*i.e. I’m going to make a nice cup of tea

Sat Nav

Last weekend I saved £127 on a sat-nav – and made the car more secure. There was a special offer - ‘Sat-nav £129.99’.

I bought a map book for £2.99 instead – and no-one will want to break into the car to steal it - Result!

Always on the lookout for a bargain…

The Flowers? - They're spittin' Feathers

You may have noticed that there’s been the odd drop of rain recently. In Leeds, Council buildings have been opened as rescue centres for those flooded out. There have no doubt been lots of other calls on Council resources.

So we’ve had days of heavy rain. This morning it stopped for a while. Then it started again. Then we had about 40 minutes of bright sunny weather before it started again. I nipped out to the shop from work in that gap.

Out on the road were some Council workers with a flatbed truck. It had a big tank on and hoses and such like – what were they doing? Pumping out? Clearing blocked drains? Helping flood victims move furniture to a drier area?

No, of course not, they were watering the hanging baskets hanging from the lamp posts.

It rained again a few minutes after they’d gone. I rang to complain. I pointed out that it had been raining recently. Obviously news to the Council. I guess they don't do irony...

Crows

The streets of Leeds looked like someone had been downing huge crows with an air rifle today - dozens of splayed black flapping bodies littering the streets. Either that or people were abandoning their umbrellas.

I had plenty of time to look when the bus didn't turn up. Like I say, I want my money back. They will of course have a get out clause like all businesses do when they cock up and don't want to pay.

They Run and Hide Their Heads

So the transport system now closes down due to:

1. Snow
2. Ice
3. Sun
4. Fog
5. Leaves
6. Wind

and now

Rain

Why not design a transport system that can't cope with 'mild with a few showers' and 'drizzle but brightening up in some areas later'? and we could all stay at home all the time and download our personalities onto the internet like we're supposed to be doing 'in the future'.

Why are the British surprised by weather? Actually they're not. The transport companies can simply make more money by not bothering to run when the the weather is 'extreme' or 'freak'. Thing is that the weather is 'extreme' or 'freak' once every couple of months. I had to abandon the bus to walk today. I want my money back.

Mind you. we could also blame the people who design the roads and railways and the people who won't walk anywhere.

Junior Showtime

No, not Junior Showtime, let's not go there; but let's go straight to Junior Hookah.

That's right, Junior Hookah. You can buy these at our local shop. It's OK though, they're nothing to do with underage sex. No, silly; its OK, they're merely smoking devices. One has to presume they're for kids though maybe its just a size thing.

And please note the possibly not entirely correct uses of the semi-colon. I read the book by that Truss woman. It amused me at first then I got bored.

More fun from those marketing wasters - with sex!

Yup, it's more matey stuff from the back of the 'Fitnesse' packet. This time its 'Fit-tips'

“We all know the importance of eating healthily and getting enough exercise [no, I don’t, please explain, I’ve never heard of this concept] but neither should have to be a chore. Instead of getting stuck in a boring gym groove [I can get you out of that with a tyre lever] try some alternative forms of exercise and put a bit of fun back into fitness [anyone remember doctor Blakoe?*]

Oh, stop stop now….it goes on to suggest dog walking (with a borrowed dog if necessary), using stairs and joining a Salsa class (it says with friends but possibly means with one of those big bags of Dorritos that rips down the side so you have to eat them all or throw some away).

There’s also a piece on not being a ‘slave to the scales’. It really wasn’t worth the effort of typing it out in the end.

Remember though kids ‘Eat fab, be delicious’. This is a registered trade mark! I really am not making this up! Ha Ha! I hope the manufacturers of Fabs sue them too...


*Note: based upon two potency-enhancing thermo-electro couples that are inset in a polymer, which is then fitted snugly over the penis and testicles. The very latest model is light, comfortable and will last you a lifetime.

Explanatory note: There was a time when having sex was promoted as good for keeping fit, ‘healthy and normal’ etc. They don’t say that so much now we’re all paedophiles and sexual harassers and everyone's got that STD with no symptoms - a disease with no symptoms and they're complaining! I'll swap you for mine anyday...

And finally - did they really say 'getting stuck in a boring gym groove'? Yes they did! They might as well turn up at your house ring the doorbell and hold up a big plaque saying 'I am a total wanker and it's OK to hate me!'

The stupid and the future

I happened upon a website called ‘thespoof.com’ the other day. They had a story about the new Olympic Swastika logo thing and it was quite funny. However, it says on every page “The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious”.

I expect someone requires them to do this. Why is there so much mollycoddling of stupid people? All my stories are 100% true guaranteed or 10 times your money back and virtual reality sex with Elvis.

Remember virtual reality anyone? By the end of the century (the 20th Century mind), because the rate of progess in IT is so fast and 'accelerating all the time' we would all be slipping on an all over body suit and having sex with Elvis (or whaddever, but you know what I mean).

What happened to the future eh? And why do people still talk about progress? - why is making electrical gadgets too small for a marmoset to use seen as big and clever? - and spending your life 'on-line' too. Go, go away and do something useful!

I know what I want from a job

I've decided I know what I want from a job. It's not to be made incandescent with rage all the time. I don't want to deal with idiots and I don't want to do things I'm not paid to do or clear up other people's mess (the ones that are paid much more than I am) or watch other people getting away with stuff I wouldn't do or wouldn't get away with. I don't want to watch other people doing 'the wrong thing', particularly putting up with stuff that is 'just wrong' without telling idiots where to get off.

I have never ever had a job like this of course. I'd work for myself but my boss would be such a miserable twat I'd get fed up.

And why are jobs that pay £12,000 a year so much more difficult and responsible than managerial jobs at at least twice as much? I had one of those jobs for a short while. I went to meetings and let other people do the work. I felt like a fraud.

My final point is that most of the world of work appears to be some vast job creation scheme to give middle class types the illusion that they do useful work when they just talk and go to meetings getting paid for driving cars and sitting on trains and writing down good intentions.

The people that do actual work get treated like idiots, get paid bugger all and generally have to try to keep more senior people from cocking everything up. Here's to the revolution!

Fraud monitoring is on

I did some shopping in Tescos the other day. I put a few things I needed in a basket and headed for the till. Just before I reached the till a member of staff slipped a couple of extra items in my basket without telling me (obviously) and without me noticing. The bill was a few quid more than I expected. I had to tell them to take the extra items out, explain I didn’t know anything about them, that I didn’t want them, that I wasn't paying for them and get them to add up the bill again. Most people just sighed and paid up - or didn't notice at all.

Of course, this didn’t actually happen. If members of staff at Tesco’s actually did this people would be absolutely livid and garrotte them with coat hangers.

My question is – why do firms who do this on-line get away with doing this? I bought anti-virus software for £40, put in all my details, got to ‘the checkout’ and they’d added some wanky re-install for 6 months thing I hadn’t asked for. Had they nicely suggested it was a good thing I might even have considered buying it. Now I hate Norton and would like to burn down their offices.

At work I order stationery and they add a couple of quid to insure the sodding envelopes for whatever misfortune may befall them between their warehouse and Leeds – without asking, without telling and with an unspoken arrogance that says’ you’d be such a fool not to buy this we’ve put it on your bill anyway in case you were going to forget'. The only thing you can do is take it out of the basket and then complain hoping that it’s a company with less contempt for their customers than they appear to have (some hope).

Let’s not even get started on those ink buying reminders that tell you your computer will be ‘damaged’ if you pay £20 for a cartridge that they charge £45 for (and is worth about £2 at most). No, really, don't get me started.

Your 'avin' a larf aintcha?

It seems that BAE Systems are setting up an ‘Ethics Committee’ to assess how they conduct their arms deals.

Similarly the International Torturers Association are looking into using greener electricity to apply to the genitals of their victims.

Meanwhile the Paedophile Promotion Trust of the UK will be running a second hand school uniform sale and hoop-la, all profits to the NSPCC.

...and the Cannibal Club will be demonstrating the art of bottling plums for the WI in Harrogate (hey, this is like the pissed off ironic post modern Two Ronnies!)


I know that as individuals and as a nation we’re mainly against paedophiles. I’m against torturers but I guess as a nation we’re not. Remember the H Blocks anyone? - and those ‘interrogation centres’ (or ‘centers’ I suppose, I’d have to check the sign, or Czech the sign?)

Similarly I think arms dealers are a bad thing. The workers in the arms industry would be much better employed sat at home watching daytime TV and drinking tea. But one man’s death is another’s profit so the ‘Labour’ government (a “Labour Government” as Neil Kinnock once nearly said) supports them. As a nation it seems we think they're kind of OK. Not squandering resources on the means of death is considered naïve apparently. Go figure as the Americans say…

The fact still remains that you couldn't make it up - arms dealers set up ethics committee indeed, it's all a bit pointless taking the piss really isn't it?

More Shows

Did the Gang Show really used to be on telly? You probably don’t even know to what I am referring do you? The Scouts? Ah well, never mind. I have no idea what was in it I'd like to add. All very unsavoury I'll wager.

I am absolutely sure that the Edinburgh Military Tattoo, the Horse of the Year Show and Crufts have been on prime time proper telly though. Best not to have one. You can get your lottery results on line. My mate Stan nearly lost a finger in Edinburgh you know, dismantling a field gun or something. Dunno if they get disability pensions for losing a finger to entertain royalty.

100 Years Blog

No, but over 100 pages - I copied my blog so far into Word - 104 pages! I could send it to everyone for Christmas. Hurrah!

This reminds me of the trailer I saw being towed by a tractor today - 'Equine Waste Managment' - a truck load of horse shit. For Christmas.

More from Our Friends in Marketing

If anyone needed further proof of the utter waste that is the advertising industry then I give you the following from the back of a packet of cereal....It’s just like having a real mate talking to you (from out of the back of a cereal packet). No, honestly...

In my world of course, cereal is something you eat for breakfast. It does not have a ‘personality’. In any half rational view of the world breakfast cereal simply does not have a personality - got that? - and it can be eaten by anyone who buys it.

There’s a long stretch of quote coming up here. If this doesn’t make you want to shoot yourself, or more likely the poor deluded sap who wrote it (and got paid to do it I assume) then go away and never come back, you will never ever have anything at all in common with me, ever.

This is from a packet of ‘Fitnesse’ which I suspect does, in the eyes of its producers, have a ‘personality’. Bet your life it’ll have been focus-grouped until it squeaked and demographic-ed to a crisp (or delicious virtually fat free cereal anyway).

“So, you bend the rules a bit from time to time. Who’s really going to know that you didn’t have one chocolate biscuit during the meeting, you had three? Or that you bought those take-me-now shoes a week before pay day? And who cares if what you do will never be understood by men: like going to IKEA for a bread bin and coming back with three bags of tealights, two duvet sets and a sofa – or writing up a to-do list of things you have already done, just for the pleasure of crossing them off”.

“It’s your life – live it your way. We say three cheers for spontaneity, self indulgence & self expression. It just feels so good!”

There you go! Self expression through sofa buying! And hey, I spontaneously visited IKEA and bought five bags of tealights to indulge myself. They just know me so well. Us girls together! This is definitely the cereal for me.

But wait, there’s more….

“The Women’s Code of Honour: Always letting your best friend have first try of that last little black dress that’s on sale…Never keeping secret addresses – such as the best hairdresser in town – to yourself…Always coming to the rescue in a man emergency with a glass of wine, DVD and box of tissues…Never being afraid to receive a compliment from your friends on how good you’re looking – or give one right back…”

Hey, right back at you Fitnesse you big old sisterly box of cereal you. Last time I had a man emergency it was the nose to nose with the driving nutter, though, hey, I have to admit to keeping the address of my hairdresser secret when I'm letting me mates try on that pair of jeans in Matalan....oh sorry, it was 'the best hairdresser in town' wasn't it! You know, the one with only one customer...

It’s those ‘girls about town’ again isn’t it – you know, the ones who ordered £4 salads in McDonalds a while back. Personally, I don’t want to be mates with Nestle or breakfast cereal and my feet hurt through curling.

And…there is, would you believe, more of this stuff! It’s worth typing out – but only just so more later…

PS what is a tealight for foxxsakes? - and are 'take me now' shoes the same as 'fuck me' shoes?

Swearing

I re-read some of my blog recently. Rather a lot of swearing in it. I will try to cut down. It may be big and clever but I find it cheapening. On the other hand bollocks to 'em all.

So this entry has some interest, the local cats are conducting commando raids on each other and the crows are banding together. Man next door says there was a bird of prey two feet tall in his garden. I had to tell him that Klingons are much taller...

A what? Really?

The other week, for the first time ever in my whole life, I saw someone actually use one of those old fashioned weighing machines at the swimming baths – 20p to find out how much you weigh! I thought they were strange antiques that no-one could be bothered to do away with. I thought only women and strange bodybuilding types weighed themselves (and then at home) but it seems I was wrong – though, actually, the man who used it looked like he might ‘work out’ so perhaps so shouldn't have been so surprised. Never thought I’d see it though and come to think 0f it I can't think of a time when anyone would...

Even stranger, the following week I saw another man spend 20p to weigh himself on the same machine – then he stepped off, put another 20p in and let his daughter weigh herself! Not content to be mad as a train set he didn’t even try to put her on while he was on to avoid paying twice.

If only it was a ‘speak you weight’ machine I could have been transported back in time – assuming they ever existed of course. Time and its perception is a strange thing….I remember the ‘winter of discontent’ even though I was only little – It simply didn’t happen where I was but all the documentaries talk about it as fact. Fact in a part of London maybe but fact across the country? No. You’re being lied to.

Jihad anyone?

I went to the local shop for milk for work. 89p. I had a £10 note. The bloke serving was shelf stacking or something so I had a few seconds at the counter. I noticed a group of around 6 charity boxes clustered together just next to the till. This being Harehills the charities were various Muslim foundations and education whatnots. I found myself wondering whether anyone put any money in them and if they did how they chose which charity.

Being a white liberal type I began an argument with myself – of course these are legitimate charities, how dare it even cross your mind that they’re probably funding some fruitcake fundamentalist sexually knotted sad acts in rural Pakistan? Before I knew it the man was back behind the counter and took my £10 note. I asked for a receipt. He handed it to me with my change…."9 11 sir" he said handing me my change…an icy wind swept round my neck….

Just in case I need to explain, the milk was 89p and I paid with a £10 note. So, that’d be £9.11 in change then. How could it even have crossed my mind that he was referring to anything else. Or was he the angel of terrorist death come to warn the infidel bloke buying milk?


This has just reminded me. When I was in Greenhouse (the fine indie rock outfit beloved of Peel etc.) we played a gig in a pub in Beeston supported by a band of Asian lads calling themselves ‘Jihad’. These days their feet wouldn’t touch presumably. Rum old world eh?

Getting a Job - Or not getting close

Like any sensible person I don’t want a job. But I am half looking for one like you do. I had an email from an agency inviting me to upload my latest CV - That would mean writing one so that isn’t going to happen. The e-mail came from someone who is a ‘Candidate Resourcer’.

Can you imagine the self-loathing that would be produced in any half sentient being by having to deal with a 'Candidate Resourcer'?

This kind of thing depresses me more than you can imagine. Is this the world our children will inherit?

Walking to Dundee...

When I did leave the house I tried to cash in a scratchcard at the Co-op. They can’t open the till until somebody buys something. I was in a queue of people clutching scratchcards they couldn’t cash in. There was a carpet shop (I still use the word ‘shop’ though ‘store’ seems compulsory these days) selling ‘useful rugs £1’. They didn’t say how much it was for a useless rug – 50p I guess.

There were the remains of a dead and very decayed rat in the middle of the footpath. One of those fancy coloured paving stones the Council were ripped off on a few years back filled my shoe with water and at work they can’t pay me the money they owe me, the computer insists on spelling everything the American way and the IT people are improving systems by making them not work any more.

Perhaps its just the rain.

Thinking of Driving to Dundee - Seriously

I often say I live in a hole. I really do. I’ve spent weeks in melancholy peevishness and not left the house. (This is not literally true of course…)

…its strange that as far as freedom of speech and what you are allowed to see or hear goes I always thought there should be no limits – and now I’m not so sure.

My mate Andrew was a photographer in Belfast at the height of ‘the troubles’. He had a book full of images of corpses that until a bomb went off had been people. I wish he hadn’t let me see it. I wish I hadn’t seen the pictures of small dead children in the Lebannon and I wished I hadn’t overheard someone talking about some of the stuff going on in the Congo. I'm not even going to tell you what I heard because it haunted me for days. Makes ordinary rape and murder sound like a picnic.

I’m really pleased that when a ‘bandmate’ had one of those ‘westerner beheaded by Muslim radicals’ videos the rest of us said ‘no thanks’. Sometimes you don’t need to see stuff or hear the details – so long as you know what’s going on. It all shows how close to total depravity the human race is.

I think it’s called Liberal guilt and some people sneer at it. That’s one of the reasons I never really went for extreme left wing groups – they all have that cold hardness that makes them much closer to Nazis than they’d possibly like to think. Maybe they don’t care. Whatever…..They seem to use the word ‘Liberal’ as an insult in the USA sometimes. Mind you, they’re fighting for democracy and freedom for us all – or was it torturing and killing civilians for oil? Can’t remember which. Does anyone remember the days when they even admitted that our Osama had no connections with Iraq?

See, this is what happens when you don’t leave the house…the worst of the world seeps in through the walls.