Friday, July 15, 2011

Come on toilet users!

Is it just me? I think that toilets in cafes should have a sign up saying ‘weeing only please’. I mean, what kind of person goes for a dump in a cafe toilet? Go at home before coming out! Not only is it smelly (and I’d like my cafe to smell of nice coffee, cakes and other yummy food thank you) but have they paid any attention at all to the fact that when I come out of the toilet the person waiting to go in will think it’s me that‘s made it all smelly?! I can’t come out saying ‘the smell wasn’t me you know’! It just won’t wash. But do wash...after having a wee only, OK?

Free stuff for money!

People really are buying into this ‘I paid for free stuff’ thing. I’ve lost count of the number of people who say how much they pay for how many ‘free texts’. What’s the matter with them? I paid 60p and got a free Mars bar – yippy do!

On the train last weekend they said you would get ‘complimentary food and drink’ if you paid £25 to upgrade to first class. That’s £25 for ‘free’ coffee and biscuits. Brilliant. Mind you, they also described first class as ‘sumptuous’– twice!

Whether this is part of one of those witheringly stupid marketing things that they make their staff say to humiliate themselves (I mean they’re actually there – they can see how ‘sumptuous’ it is as well as the rest of us!) or whether the ‘catering manager’(or whatever they call them) had gone off on one and decided to take the piss I don’t know...


All the roads are too busy all the bleedin' time. Has no-one noticed that it takes much longer to get anywhere than it did 20 years ago? - tell people the National Express Coach from Leeds to London was scheduled for 3 1/2 hours but often got in early and they won't bloody believe you!

I still remember how brilliant the tanker driver's strike was...The streets came alive with people and you could hear yourself think - and you could get across the road in just a few seconds.

Now which politician will suggest myabe a 70% reduction in traffic over the next 20 years?

Public Transport Again

In London last weekend I notice that they take their public transport a bit more seriously than in Leeds where we’ve been abandoned to gridlocked traffic and the tender mercies of Firstbus. Not only did it all seem to work but I went on a tube ride, followed by another tube ride followed by a good few stops on the Docklands Light Railway and it cost £1.90 – the same as a three mile Firstbus from my house into Leeds.

Get the government to come and live here for a bit...Mind you, as long as we get that tram they promised at the bottom of our road by the end of 2007...Anyone want to bet when they drop the trolleybus scheme? Maybe they’ve done that already and sneaked out the news when no-one as looking?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Just when I thought (yet again) that nothing of note could happen at the swimming pool anymore, not only was there an incident today - but this time it was me who was the miscreant!

Not in this case any of that tackle waving / aggressive scrotal towelling sort of behaviour that I do like to go on about...but what did I do – well, I threw my wet trunks at a teacher! And hit him! By that I mean I hit him with the wet trunks, I didn’t smack him with wet trunks and go in swinging in with my naked fists afterwards. But I did smack him with wet trunks!

Unfortunately I do have to admit that it was an accident – I was throwing my trunks from the shower area to where I was about to get dried / changed – and he walked into the line of fire. I was trying to get a bottle of shampoo and some soap away from the shower as well as said trunks. I wasn't going to start throwing bottles of shampoo about...Sorry sir!

And how do I know he was a teacher you might ask? Well, he was with a class of kids you see...

Oh My Space!

I’ve got 14 new friends on myspace today – and I knew nothing about it. I know none of them and care about them hardly at all. This’ll be why no-one uses myspace anymore I suppose.

Hey, this looks like a Tweet! I'm not starting that one unless I get really bored - which ironically would make any tweets rather boring I'd guess...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

More top job ads

Next up is an advert for a ‘Project Implementation Executive / Project Manager’. That sounds exciting doesn’t it...let’s find out more...

”Our client was established in 1989 as a specialist provider of bespoke fleet solutions, concentrating on the provision of innovative management services for mid to large corporate entities".

I think this might mean ‘we’re a car hire company’...But in an attempt to find meaning in gaseous emmission let's have a look at what the job involves...

Well, “the main purpose of this role is to be responsible for leading and managing customer implementations and developing relationships with new and existing customers to form the foundation of a successful ongoing contract. Within this role your main responsibilities will include leading and managing customer implementations, project managing all aspects of the implementation process including leading meetings, ensuring project deadlines are met, documenting tasks and allocating roles / responsibilities and creating, managing and delivering the entire project scope and the seamless transfer into our account management teams. You will also be expected to manage internal resources and build effective relationships with team members, proactively manage customer expectations and timescales and communicate with key internal and external stakeholders whilst continually enhancing / developing the company's reputation as a quality service provider”.

So now you know! They could have put 'being good at hiring cars to people' but that would have been too quick and easy to understand I guess...I wish I could manage customer implementations – and deliver the entire project scope of course. They don’t say how big a delivery truck would be needed though.

One final thing – they want to employ someone who can ‘hit the ground running’! Hurray!

I’d definitely give them a name check but I didn’t copy that bit.

Top Jobs from Top Companies

I came across a couple of jobs today. First up is a ‘Multimedia Creative Assistant’. The company advertising this job (‘Nunwood’) has so they say "been uniquely designed to help clients lead their businesses using astute, visionary insight firmly linked to action and return”.

Golly, that’s good isn’t it?!

Not only that but they’re “based out of hubs in North America, Europe and APAC, we work alongside the research, marketing and strategy functions at many of the world's most inspirational brands. To do this, we employ a mixture of smart-technology, ROI-focused services and some of the best business thinkers in the industry”.

There's more...“by redefining the role of a customer insight agency, Nunwood's unique structure and approach has earned 'top agency' status and numerous awards”.

And you thought advertising people were a bunch of tossers didn’t you!?

Finally, if anyone should ever ask you to define the word 'oxymoron', try the phrase 'the world's most inspirational brands'...