Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Militant Pedestrians in Public Incident - Again!

Your local representative of the Militant Pedestrians (which is me of course) nearly had a fight in the street today. The usual half dozen cars went through the amber / red light at the junction of Harehills Lane andRoundhay Road without apparently noticing that there were cars backing up on the other side and that there was no way through - or probably did but just thought they'd go anyway. I walked out onto the pedestrian crossing after the green man came on - in front of a stationery car. The driver got very cross as one does when one's wanker driving is challenged. I told him not to drive across pedestrian crossings when the green man is on. He didn't like this; he got out of his car - lots of fingers and some nose to nose stuff ensued. I should of course have stayed detached and cool and just taken the piss. Instead I was just MAAAD! Didn't do my stress levels any good but, hey, point made again I think.

Once again I need to know - how many cars is it that are allowed through a light once its changed to red? My guess is that it must technically be 3 or 4.

On a related subject, don't driving instructors teach anyone what a yellow hatched area in the road means? Has this gone the way of hand signals and not using the horn as a rebuke? Militant pedestrians say ban the car! When there were pickets of the oil terminals a few years back the quality of life shot up for a couple of days.

- And long live the Mobile Slasher! Just in case you didn't see this - A vigilante, who slashes the tyres of motorists who talk on their mobile telephones while driving, is being hunted by police. The so-called "mobile slasher" leaves an anonymous note made from letterscut from newspapers on the windscreens of the cars. The note reads: "Warning. You have been seen driving while using your mobile phone."YES! YES! YES! Vote Slasher!

When I'm king of the world and Slasher is my right-hand man, flamethrowers will be installed at all pedestrian crossings (which will be on all roads and timed to actually stop the traffic rather than changing just after the traffic has gone and you've crossed the road). When Psychoboy from today (hey, he leapt out of his car! - I could have stolen it!) or any drivers doing the same drive through they'll simply be instantly cremated in the street. The flames will be of such temperature and ferocity that he won't even block the road because he'll be a small pile of ash. His relatives will be sent a large bill for his cremation.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Tesco Bag

In the Tescos Express in Armley (the district, not the jail - or gaol) you get a free Clubcard point if you use your own bag. In the one on Easterly Road the machine won't let you use your own bag. It detects the weight of your Tescos 'bag for life' and asks you to remove it from 'the bagging area' (in the more interesting branches they have a 'de-bagging area' where you get to pour things on the floor or remove the trousers from a local). I harrumphed up to the counter and waited to be served by a person, I also wanted to pay with change, another thing you're not allowed to do by the machines that run the branch. I suppose I'll be unloading the lorries and stocking the shelves for free next, as well as serving myself. The fruit is priced in single items too. Best to stick with the Co-op. Don't forget to ask for your divvy! There's usually one around.

Incidentally, have you noticed how we're losing the word 'shop' in favour (or favor, probably) of the word 'store'. I'm old enough to remember these things you know...which means its time for bed.

Too old to spell Jung

OK, I spelt Jung as Yung - kept me searchin' for a heart of gold, but I'm gettin' old - etc.

While I'm on, I spent the bank holiday in Armley - not the jail, the district of Leeds. If you heard pained shouting it was me fuelling up on Neil the producers ground coffee - and shouting for at least as much as I was worth. New songs, shouty ones...

Neil is old enough to remember when octane was important to motorists - or lawn mower owners (if you had a petrol one of course)....get it wrong and you'd be running in the shooting brake and it'd start pinking on the hills. I got to here from the coffee you see...Cars also had a starting handle and garages had a mechanic as well as actually serving you with petrol. I last saw this a few years back in Holbeck - wondered what the woman was doing grabbing hold, sticking it in and pumping away - then I had to pay her...

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Laura Mercier Flawless Skin

It seems grooming products and water are my themes of the moment.

Anyway, this is real…..I saw a display in town for this stuff. I really am not making this up. Laura Mercier Flawless Skin is real, honestly....It says (and I quote)

‘Remarkable skincare based on the anti-ageing properties of Deep Sea Water extracted off the coast of Japan’

Yes that’s right – salty water! I like the word ‘extracted’ too – it all sounds better than dipping a bucket in the sea at Cleethorpes but it’s the same thing. I’m going to market Tracy Pleb's ‘Imperfect Skin’ – based on the salty water properties of a fat bloke with a bucket in Clacton. Could knock it out for a fraction of the price. Same thing but loads cheaper.

While I'm on, have you noticed that loads of shampooey types things have 'aqua' as the first ingredient. They often have 'liquidium parafinium' in too! That'd be water and liquid parafin in cod Latin then would it - faecesium shittinitium then. Soylent Green for these people I think. Oh yes.

I watched the telly - and it was like this...

While on holiday I watched some telly. It went like this….

The programme is an hour long. Firstly, instead of the programme you get ‘coming up next’ which is an advert for the programme that’s supposed to be on already. Next up, adverts. Then the actual programme starts, sort of…It starts with about 10 minutes about what was in the programme last week followed by another 10 on what’s coming up in this week’s programme - then it goes to adverts again. Then it tells you again what is coming up in this week’s programme before giving you a couple of minutes of what it’s actually about. Then it goes to adverts. After every advert break there’s a summary of what’s was in the programme before the adverts and what’s coming up next. The same after each ad break. Towards the end there’s a summary of what’s going to be on next week.

Content free television really is here. Why not make a 5 minute ‘I’m not a moron’ version of the programme? I guess the answer is that if you’re watching you must be a moron. No more experiments in watching TV for me I’m afraid.

Chat Magazine!!!

If you’ve never read Chat magazine you probably know someone who does - really. I mean, WOW! - ‘An alien baby at 18 but now I want a real one’. ‘I turned into a sad, smelly slob – to satisfy my fella’. Bring it on!

The copy I saw included handy hints - one was to make a cardboard ‘loose cover’ for a standard size tissue box - covered with leftover wallpaper. I mean, try to stop me!

One of the problem page letters concerns a woman who suspects her husband is masturbating. A married man masturbating? How could such a thing happen? The woman is clearly delusional.

There was also a story about a woman from Leeds - ‘I was quacking up as an ugly duckling - but now I can swan about’ - fantastic!

At one point this woman says (or a ‘journalist’ paraphrases) ‘When I was 12 my boobs started growing – and growing….Terri two-bras the girls started chanting’. Then she says ‘I started skipping lessons when I was about 14’.

Well, excuse me but if you’re being teased about having a large bosom, I’d suggest that skipping is probably not the ideal sport for you….Some people!

Chat magazine though eh? Like the Sun, you should read it at least once before you die. More than three times and you’ve got a problem.

Incidentally, The 'Thomas Kinkade Faith Mountain - illuminated Masterpiece Edition' advert (only £149.94) was beyond parody.

Yorkshire Water again

Yorkshire Water put up a sign in the street near me next to a big hole in the road, it said ‘find out what we’re doing here by phoning 0845 1202020’. Well, don’t bother. I phoned and what a waste of time it was. Not only do they not appear to know or care what we’re doing here but they have little or no insight into the meaning of life at all. Evolution? God? Alien Life? Jung? Existentialism? Not interesting in discussing any of them, not even interested in the hole in the road as metaphor. The question that beats me is what were they doing offering philosophical insights on a metal sign in the road in the first place? I’ll ask before I pay the next bill.