Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Highway definitions

I thought I'd begin a new dictionary of road use. I thought we'd start with car parking...

Footpath - car parking area
Grass verge - car parking area
Yellow hatched area at junction - car parking area
Area in front of any shop - car parking area
Bus lane - car parking area
Pedestrian crossing - car parking area
Any part of Harehills - car parking area.

Tip: If you kind of know that you're not really supposed to park there, leave 2 wheels on the road. That way no-one will mind.

- Apart from the Militant Pedestrians of course! We will cheerfully tear your wing mirrors off and shove them up your arse!

Happy motoring.

I think this is what's called 'parochial'

As I say, I think this is what's called 'parochial' or even 'very parochial' but it says something about our local press and our local Council. This is my email to the person at the paper...

We received the Leeds Weekly News (North Leeds edition) and the Roundhay Local Pages through our door today.

The front page of the Weekly News explains that a decision in due on the Mansion in Roundhay Park on October 17th - it says that six options are being looked at and that the City Council are looking for a building company to carry out the renovation. The front page of the Roundhay Local Pages (arriving the same day) says that the Mansion 'looks set to open in the middle of next month' (around 17th October presumably) and quotes Councillor John Proctor as saying 'It's a fantastic amenity and well worth the wait....its great to see the plans coming to fruition'

Could someone tell me whether Councillor Proctor and the Local Pages are correct or the Executive Board and the Leeds Weekly News? Is the Mansion renovated and opening or not? We should go up and have a look I suppose but clear information would be helpful.

I'd be grateful for your comments. Have I missed something?

Yours sincerely etc

I was soo tempted to be generally more sarky / arsey but that gives them an excuse to ignore you. I'm so looking forward to a reply (if I get one) - 'Dear Mr Parkes, as you will no doubt be aware neither the paper nor the City Council knows its arse from its elbow, you got us bang to rights, we all resign...'

Maybe someday eh?

Saturday, September 22, 2007

The Chewing Gum Action Group

This is my new progressive rock band. No it isn't....

There are posters on the bus sponsored by something called the ‘Chewing Gum Action Group’. They tell you to put your chewing gum in the bin – and that’s it! I Googled ‘Chewing Gum Action group’ to check that it wasn’t someone just taking the piss (well, they are of course, but you know what I mean). This ‘group’ appears to be chaired by an MP – a Mr Ben Bradshaw. This of course means that its not a proper ‘group’ but something that’s probably called an ‘initiative’. They’re ‘responsible for a new system of on-the-spot fines for gum-dropping and for gum-educational initiatives’ apparently.

Oh good. I’m glad that the world doesn’t have any more important problems to worry about. Mr Bradshaw is ‘Minister for Local Environment Quality’. I fear that this isn’t made up and he really does have that title. Perhaps he'd like to bring me a nice cup of tea (and a spitoon if he insists).

Car sales abortionists

Last Saturday I saw a small band of anti-abortion campaigners apparently picketing the Minster Jaguar garage on Barrack Road. I’ve always wondered why anti-abortion campaigners don’t give out free condoms and stuff. I've never actually met anyone who thinks abortion is ‘a good thing’ and despite being a liberal leftie type I don’t hanker for the chance to try one - but I don’t see why the anti-abortion campaigners don’t approve of the solution. Much better to display a graven image of a weird looking medieval white woman with a ring over her head to motorists. That'll fix the problem.

I wonder what Jaguar have done specifically? Stealing from hospital incinerator bins for baby skins to cover car seats I expect. Beats the unborn foalskin waistcoat...

Incidentally they could have got some condoms from the Marie Stopes clinic a few doors down if they’d genuinely wanted to cut down on abortions. I'll suggest it next time.

The changing face of the HIV client

Saw an advert for a conference - 'The changing face of the HIV client'. Presumably this goes from 'nervous', on though 'devastated' to 'depressed' until it gets to 'ill'. Who needs a conference.

In fact who ever needed a work conference except the evil wonks from 'HR'? Keep payroll, a couple of people on recruitment and sack the rest of 'HR' - and you can put it in writing because not being in 'HR' you might care about something else other than covering your own arse.

National Emergency Telly

I’m not usually offended by what’s on the telly but I recently saw 10 minutes of the Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo. I think I mentioned this as one of the nightmare programmes of my childhood. It’s a kind of Christian Nazi rally with all the mumbo, jumbo, hushed funereal tones and militaristic shite that it entails – you know all that ‘glorious dead’ stuff. With a bit of ‘royalty’ thrown in. If I could prove my ancestors were homicidal sociopaths would they treat me like royalty? I guess it’s the scale that’s important. You have to be a homicidal maniac on a MASSIVE scale and that makes you ‘great’ rather than just a grubby tea-leaf.

I think its the REMT that accounts for a few naval fingers every year (not navel, that's a different thing). The field-gun team leave their fingers in the sawdust apparently. Mind you, its worth it for the Queen. 'You want to give a finger to the queen lad?' Have a shilling (though that'd be the King's Shilling - I guess it must be the Queen's 5p piece these days).

On the other channel was The Proms. I assumed that the balloon had gone up and the army had taken over in a coup (to restore civil liberties maybe?) Could have been a time slip to the 1950s but it was in colour.

Today’s spelling mistrakes

‘The Bank of America’ inform me that my on-line account has been ‘bloked’. Yeah, I know this is junk mail. I gave them all my bank details on the condition that they explained what happens when one's bank account is bloked. Turns out it can now put up shelves, not notice dust in the house and go clothes shopping once every 4 years. My kind of bloke then.

‘Log on toady’ they said. 'Hop in froggy, babe' say I (sycophantically of course).

Penguin Liars

Some Penguin bars include an ‘interesting fact’ on the wrapper. One of these is that it is impossible to lick ones own elbow (incidentally, I know a related fact which I’ve proved satisfactorily to myself; but let’s not go there now…)

Thing is that I know a certain 7-year old who can indeed lick her own elbow. So much for your so called ‘facts’, Mister Penguin…


Our household is suffering from what appears to be a depressed goldfish. None of the goldfish related websites we’ve visited offers a solution for ‘sitting on the bottom of the tank looking miserable’. It may be constipated as well apparently. How did it come to this? Never asked for a goldfish of course. I don’t believe in pets. I reckon the odd dog can have a good life (a dog’s good life? - if its an odd dog...) and maybe even the odd cat if not too stressed by neighbouring cats giving it a hard territorial time; but generally? Nah.

Let me know if you have a solution though. I'll be here siphoning up the fish pooh. Yup, I reckon it's got an H on the end.