Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Things that work sir? Whatever can you mean?

I’m pleased to say that my prejudices have been roundly reinforced with regard to cheap shite again. I actually used the car foot pump the other day and managed to pump up 1 and a half child’s bike tyres before the stupid thing stopped working completely. And a bit fell off.

That’ll be twice I’ve used it then. Twice. Yup, that’s about right. But how about I pay more for something that ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKS! I’d like to buy things that work please. Is that too much to ask. I don’t mind paying. But I want things to WORK!

Can I please buy something that works please? more than twice?

What does the price cost then?

Why isn’t the price you pay the price you pay any more? Why do people who use certain buzz phrases to the call centre staff get stuff cheaper? And how come people can charge you more for stuff (and add extra ‘services’) without telling you or consulting you? Why do I pay one price only until I ring up to find that they can actually remove the 'upgrade' I didn't ask for and they didn't tell me about?

Why can't they just tell you what they charge so I can decide to pay or tell them to go fuck themselves?

Cunsumer madness

Tescos sell a small chocolate cake for about £1.55. Worth just under half that as usual I’d say. It’s about 5 inches across and 3 inches deep. I bought one and cut it in to three pieces (for three people) though if I'd stretched it to 4 I guess no-one would’ve complained.

So, guess how many people it says the cake ‘serves’ on the packet? The answer is 8. If it were 8 ‘fucking midgets’ at least they’d give us a laugh and we’d know they were taking the piss. But presumably they mean 8 normal sized people with normal appetites. To be fair they do a bit less of this than they used to. I complained to the C0-op once over a box of cereal - 'at least 15 servings!' they said on the packet. That meant 6 cereal bowls full. Obviously.

There they go - lying again!

Financial institutions are lying to me again. This time it’s the Yorkshire Building Society.

They currently have a branch in East Parade in Leeds and one on Briggate. They’re closing the East Parade branch. So, the message is quite simple really, they’re closing a branch. Presumably this is to save money. However, the subject of the letter they've just sent me is ‘We’re moving’. They’re not moving. This is a lie.

They are moving some accounts from the branch they’re closing to the one that’s still open - but they’re not moving in the 'geographical location' sense of the word which I, and so I'm led to believe, most of the English speaking world use. If I told you I was ‘moving’ but then later explained that this didn’t mean I was moving house but actually meant ‘I’m moving my position on the war in Iraq slightly’ you’d think I was mad – and quite right too. Why can’t they just be honest? Moving implies motion from one place for another. Closing a branch does not constitute 'moving' - moving out of existence I suppose...


You might imagine that in today’s consumer led (ha ha!) society even I might be able to find a toast rack that worked wouldn’t you? I mean how difficult can it be to design a toast rack that can hold up a piece of toast? I’ve got 2 completely useless ones so far.

Number one is designed to look like a spring. It kind of holds toast upright – except when it just slips out sideways. Which it does. Often. The design also means that the toast rests on the table, dropping crumbs and picking up whatever sticky stuff might have been left on the surface.

Number 2 has a built in tray and firm upright slots and hold toast perfectly – provided the toast is no more than ¼ of an inch thick. If it’s more than that the toast jsut doesn't go in. It’s all welded together (the rack, not the toast) so you can’t stretch it or anything.

So, there you go. It would appear that toast rack designers don’t know the first thing about toast – which is odd because there’s not that much to bother yourself with re toast really is there?

So, that’s me in and out the kitchen fishing it out of the toaster for each slice then. But why? Do I have to put ‘toast-rack’ on my Christmas list once again only to expose another cretinous ‘designer’? Yes, I expect so…

Just in case you were wondering…no, I don’t want to just pile it on the plate thank you – it goes all soggy and wet. I’d like a toast-rack please. One that kind of, like, holds up toast and that...