Just like my Auntie Mavis - and Jewellery as Guitar

Reviews for the album have been 'pouring in' or 'dripping in through a small hole in the toilet tent' or whatever in the form of Google Alerts and e-mails with web links from the writers. I thought about not replying in a 'me, an artiste, reply?' kind of way but I'm just too well brung up. So, I'm writing them thank you letters (via e-mail of course). I really want to say things like 'hope you're both well, must arrange a visit soon' and 'well, must close now...' but I guess they wouldn't all get the joke. If only I could write my own name like a five year old. I also want to tell them how well they write and how damn perceptive they all are (apart from a reference to a smelly dog from Manchester and a John Shuttleworth mention) since they've all pretty much been the equivalent of at least 8 out of 10 and often even better - and how I'd love to put them in a matchbox with cotton wool and , well, and so on. Frustratingly these reviews don't matter to the distributors who can only sell CDs if the review is in a printed monthly mag. Understandable I guess but frustrating nonetheless.

And on the jewellery front, I took a leap in understanding today by (as usual) trying to link the completely incomprehensible to my own experience. I do find this an effort. Along with personalised number plates (and oooh, hundreds of other things that people do) I have no grasp of jewellery. You know, why you would want it, what it's for, why it exists at all - bit clearer on 'grave goods' but not much cleverer even on that one really. Well, today I understood that people who buy it are getting something of the slightly self delusional (but still real) feeling that comes with buying a guitar. Except that a guitar is useful - oh damn, spoiled it all.

I saw someone being given a free polishing cloth and 'a case' for whatever it was they were buying. These things are 'in common' and make the item worth the stupid expense in a weird irrational way. I was waiting for the shops to open (more on the word shop soon, so keep a look out) outside a jewellers (which was near another shop, anyway it's not really worth explaining). I admit to not getting out much and not doing 'shopping' so this is all a big deal to me, you know. I'll still ban it when I'm King of the World though.