Keep safe children!

I just bought a new Walkman. No, it’s not a cassette based Walkman if you’re asking. And, yes I do know I could probably just have a phone that does everything with downloaded ‘apps’ and all that. But I have a new Walkman and that’s that.

I installed all the software on the computer and whatnot and thought I’d read ‘important information’ from the user guide. So, just so you know, one piece of important advice / information says ‘do not place player in fire’. Also...’Do not pour water or put any foreign object in the player’. Oh, and ‘Do not put any heavy object on top of the player or apply a strong shock to the player’.

So there you go – don’t burn it, throw it in a bucket of water or hit it with a hammer - damn! It's 'elf and safety gorn mad and no mistake...

In another part of the guide it says 'Be careful not to drop the player into a sink or other container filled with water'. Thanks Sony, just in time there!

I also quite like 'When using a strap (not supplied), be careful to avoid catching it on objects you pass by. Furthermore be careful not to swing the player by the strap to avoid bumping people'.

So there you go - it's a dangerous world people...

Equal Opportunities

I've been applying for jobs. Most have an equal opportunities form to fill in and submit with the application. They ask questions that may or may not be relevant or helpful. However, leaving that aside this one 'ere asks about sexuality. Am I Heterosexual, Bisexual, Lesbian, Gay or 'other'? Much discussion ensues about what 'other' might mean...I suppose if one were only interested in sex with animals that would be 'other'...Or perhaps I've missed something...

Authentically Italian

Got an advert through the door for a local takeaway - the Taj Mahal. How do they promote themselves? – “The best pizza in Leeds”. Say no more

Tinchy fails to rescue Man U...

I was channel hopping earlier today and caught the last few minutes of Celtic Vs Manchester United on ITV 4. Couldn't quite work out what sort of match it was - but Man U lost 5-2 - despite bringing Tinchy Stryder on for the last 5 minutes!

Turned out to be a cherriddy type match - Cost me a five quid text for East Africa. Good for me. Good for them (despite Man U being, you know, Man U). But only a 5 out of 10 for the Stryder lad...

Signing on

I've just been signing on as unemployed. If you can stand it I'm going to tell you a bit about it when I get time. Look out it won't be pretty!

Damn your arrogance, juice face!

It was Alexei Sayle who said a good few years ago that there were too many adjectives in food. And so there are in marketing (of food especially). But these days it seems products are pretty much alive / human - and they're coming to get you! I do YouGov surveys and they occasionally include questions in their surveys that certainly hint at marketing people wanting to know what the old YouGov on-line panel (if that’s what it is) think of products.

So...a couple of examples.

Google Chrome is a search engine apparently. I’ve seen the logo. I think some Microsoft product or other will have tried to get it installed through some underhand method while I’ve not been watching. I’ve resisted it so far. Ordinary Google seems to work. But having an opinion on it is like getting on a train and having an opinion on the locomotive – for geeks only, unless it breaks down constantly I suppose in which case the name of the bad ‘un might eventually seep into some wider consciousness.

I was asked in a survey ‘which of the following words would you use to describe Chrome’. The list included a few that might make sense to someone who had an opinion – perhaps even someone who actually uses the thing. But for every ‘easy to use’ or ‘fast’ there was an ‘empowering’ or a ‘cool’. There was also ‘modern’, ‘elegant’ and ‘beautiful’. Blimey. Presumably there’ll be some wannabe marketing wonk somewhere who thinks a search engine can be ‘empowering’ but you would want to talk to them would you?

But even better than that...is Tropicana fruit juice. What do I think of Tropicana fruit juice? Well, I’m sure it’s OK, I’ve seen it in shops but it’s not with the cheap stuff so I’d be really surprised if it didn’t cost a lot. It’s fruit juice.

I drink fruit juice. Fruit juice by any other name would be just, you know, fruit juice. I don’t really have an opinion. Ask me if I have an opinion on the relative merits of fruit juice and I might tell you that one costs more and tastes a bit nicer maybe but I’d also say that the cheapest is usually fine so just buy that and get on with your life.

But someone wants to know how much I agree or disagree with no less than 19 adjectives relating to er, fruit juice. There are one or two where you can see that there might be some point in asking – so I’ll let them off ‘ethical’ and ‘natural’. I can see that you might see their juice as being produced in a nice cuddly ethically aware way (at least compared to some other juice perhaps) and perhaps one might form the opinion that it's less processed and in some way and therefore more ‘natural’ than other juices. All fairly reasonable so far. I might even let them off ‘responsible’, ‘simple’ or ‘boring’. But here are some more attributes of this particular juice on which to agree or disagree – how about ’arrogant’, ‘childish’, ‘creative’ or ‘straight talking’?!

I mean how many times does someone smash their fist into the wall and say ‘I’m sick of that damned arrogant juice and its childish attitude’ to be answered with ‘oh leave it alone Barry, it’s just creative and straight talking that’s all. If you get to know it you’ll find it’s genuine, friendly, innovative, intelligent and interesting’

At the risk of stating the obvious it's none of those thigns. It's orange juice. Anyone who thinks it's got a personality belongs in the deepest depth of despair and degradation where language and life itself has no meaning - Advertising...Or did it become 'marketing' at about the same time Personnel bloated out to strangle the company and became 'HR'? It'll have a swish new name by now won't it...

Not bullshit, no way!

Now I’m not going to slag off the people I reported to in my most recent job. Course not. However, I will pass on the following information and let you make up your own minds...

They joined Twitter. They recently tweeted that they were, and I quote, “interested in learning more using collective leadership to make transformational change”

So there you go! That'll sop the kids smoking. This came from Steph too...

Nose job condolences

Here’s a link to follow if you’d like to laugh at the inadequacy of your fellow human beings (and we all love to do that don’t we!?)-
http://www.kondolenzbuch.prinzessin-diana.de/index.php?show=2&skindir=condolence_diana_english&lang=EN

I suggest putting the music on and taking a look through some of the pages. You’ll never feel sorry for your own sorry empty life ever again! Yeah, I know, 2 sorrys, not very eloquent...

In case you’re too lazy, busy or worried to check it out it’s on on-line book of condolence for the Princess of chucking yourself down the stairs and making everyone turn into morons (not that that was her fault of course).

The weird thing is that people are still adding messages...

Oh blimey...this isn’t the only Diana tribute site either. Best not to look at the internet...I blame Steph - she's my Manager you know.

Here's a brief related thought...Why do people still not mention her obvious nose job? That's Princess Diana, not Steph, most of you won't know her. No nose job so far as I know...that's Steph, not Princess Diana...who obviously did have a nosejob...

Merry Christmas!

I noticed a telly advert for Christmas on a week or two ago but it was for a thing where you save to buy from a catalogue or something so I let it off. Can't really complain about people saving up for Christmas from July. However, Matalan is today (that's TODAY - 7th August) stocking massive cuddly reindeer, snowmen and wrapping paper (or 'giftwrap' as it's now universally referred to by the people who flog it) so that's 'proper'.

No-one likes this. Christmas is absolutely mental and we shouldn't have it. So there.

Not being Mister Fashion (and I'll give you an arguement about that whenever you like...) I do buy pants in Matalan. But not trousers (sorry US citizens). They only have short legged trousers with massive waists! Perhaps I'd have better luck with George as ASDA...

Come on toilet users!

Is it just me? I think that toilets in cafes should have a sign up saying ‘weeing only please’. I mean, what kind of person goes for a dump in a cafe toilet? Go at home before coming out! Not only is it smelly (and I’d like my cafe to smell of nice coffee, cakes and other yummy food thank you) but have they paid any attention at all to the fact that when I come out of the toilet the person waiting to go in will think it’s me that‘s made it all smelly?! I can’t come out saying ‘the smell wasn’t me you know’! It just won’t wash. But do wash...after having a wee only, OK?

Free stuff for money!

People really are buying into this ‘I paid for free stuff’ thing. I’ve lost count of the number of people who say how much they pay for how many ‘free texts’. What’s the matter with them? I paid 60p and got a free Mars bar – yippy do!

On the train last weekend they said you would get ‘complimentary food and drink’ if you paid £25 to upgrade to first class. That’s £25 for ‘free’ coffee and biscuits. Brilliant. Mind you, they also described first class as ‘sumptuous’– twice!

Whether this is part of one of those witheringly stupid marketing things that they make their staff say to humiliate themselves (I mean they’re actually there – they can see how ‘sumptuous’ it is as well as the rest of us!) or whether the ‘catering manager’(or whatever they call them) had gone off on one and decided to take the piss I don’t know...

Traffic

All the roads are too busy all the bleedin' time. Has no-one noticed that it takes much longer to get anywhere than it did 20 years ago? - tell people the National Express Coach from Leeds to London was scheduled for 3 1/2 hours but often got in early and they won't bloody believe you!

I still remember how brilliant the tanker driver's strike was...The streets came alive with people and you could hear yourself think - and you could get across the road in just a few seconds.

Now which politician will suggest myabe a 70% reduction in traffic over the next 20 years?

Public Transport Again

In London last weekend I notice that they take their public transport a bit more seriously than in Leeds where we’ve been abandoned to gridlocked traffic and the tender mercies of Firstbus. Not only did it all seem to work but I went on a tube ride, followed by another tube ride followed by a good few stops on the Docklands Light Railway and it cost £1.90 – the same as a three mile Firstbus from my house into Leeds.

Get the government to come and live here for a bit...Mind you, as long as we get that tram they promised at the bottom of our road by the end of 2007...Anyone want to bet when they drop the trolleybus scheme? Maybe they’ve done that already and sneaked out the news when no-one as looking?

Trunked!

Just when I thought (yet again) that nothing of note could happen at the swimming pool anymore, not only was there an incident today - but this time it was me who was the miscreant!

Not in this case any of that tackle waving / aggressive scrotal towelling sort of behaviour that I do like to go on about...but what did I do – well, I threw my wet trunks at a teacher! And hit him! By that I mean I hit him with the wet trunks, I didn’t smack him with wet trunks and go in swinging in with my naked fists afterwards. But I did smack him with wet trunks!

Unfortunately I do have to admit that it was an accident – I was throwing my trunks from the shower area to where I was about to get dried / changed – and he walked into the line of fire. I was trying to get a bottle of shampoo and some soap away from the shower as well as said trunks. I wasn't going to start throwing bottles of shampoo about...Sorry sir!

And how do I know he was a teacher you might ask? Well, he was with a class of kids you see...

Oh My Space!

I’ve got 14 new friends on myspace today – and I knew nothing about it. I know none of them and care about them hardly at all. This’ll be why no-one uses myspace anymore I suppose.

Hey, this looks like a Tweet! I'm not starting that one unless I get really bored - which ironically would make any tweets rather boring I'd guess...

More top job ads

Next up is an advert for a ‘Project Implementation Executive / Project Manager’. That sounds exciting doesn’t it...let’s find out more...

”Our client was established in 1989 as a specialist provider of bespoke fleet solutions, concentrating on the provision of innovative management services for mid to large corporate entities".

I think this might mean ‘we’re a car hire company’...But in an attempt to find meaning in gaseous emmission let's have a look at what the job involves...

Well, “the main purpose of this role is to be responsible for leading and managing customer implementations and developing relationships with new and existing customers to form the foundation of a successful ongoing contract. Within this role your main responsibilities will include leading and managing customer implementations, project managing all aspects of the implementation process including leading meetings, ensuring project deadlines are met, documenting tasks and allocating roles / responsibilities and creating, managing and delivering the entire project scope and the seamless transfer into our account management teams. You will also be expected to manage internal resources and build effective relationships with team members, proactively manage customer expectations and timescales and communicate with key internal and external stakeholders whilst continually enhancing / developing the company's reputation as a quality service provider”.

So now you know! They could have put 'being good at hiring cars to people' but that would have been too quick and easy to understand I guess...I wish I could manage customer implementations – and deliver the entire project scope of course. They don’t say how big a delivery truck would be needed though.

One final thing – they want to employ someone who can ‘hit the ground running’! Hurray!

I’d definitely give them a name check but I didn’t copy that bit.

Top Jobs from Top Companies

I came across a couple of jobs today. First up is a ‘Multimedia Creative Assistant’. The company advertising this job (‘Nunwood’) has so they say "been uniquely designed to help clients lead their businesses using astute, visionary insight firmly linked to action and return”.

Golly, that’s good isn’t it?!

Not only that but they’re “based out of hubs in North America, Europe and APAC, we work alongside the research, marketing and strategy functions at many of the world's most inspirational brands. To do this, we employ a mixture of smart-technology, ROI-focused services and some of the best business thinkers in the industry”.

There's more...“by redefining the role of a customer insight agency, Nunwood's unique structure and approach has earned 'top agency' status and numerous awards”.

And you thought advertising people were a bunch of tossers didn’t you!?

Finally, if anyone should ever ask you to define the word 'oxymoron', try the phrase 'the world's most inspirational brands'...

Britain's got stupidity - and a limited vocabulary

Another great thing that happened on holiday (in Majorca by the way) was watching Britain's Got Talent on a big telly with a load of other Brits (I told you it was an ironic holiday) to hear Amanda Holden say that someone's song was "kind of anthem...'ic'...if that's such a word"

Hey Amanda, yup, there's a word called 'anthemic'. That is such a word! This reminded me of that singer / songwriter bloke who went on BGT and played one of his own songs. Amanda screwed up her little ageing badly face and asked him if he could 'play something we know' - and he did. That his talent might be writing his own songs never seemed to occur. The trouble is that had he pointed out to her that she's a bit thick and doesn't even grasp what is supposed to be the raison d'etre for the show she's a judge on it wouldn't have been broadcast.

At least none of the contestants I've seen have less talent than her though.

In the end of course one should get off the telly, get off the internet, get off the sofa and get a life...

Lady Gogo!

I’ve been on holiday. An ironic holiday obviously...Highlight of the week (apart from the Dutch Beatles tribute act) has to be watching a Lady GaGa tribute act from Essex! – partially obscured by owls!

She'd been on 'Snog, Marry, Avoid' too apparently. Dare I suggest 'avoid'?

It may ruin it a bit to explain but she was on after the kids owl show - so I couldn't see her properly for owls...

Zippy or no zippy?

It’s been a while since I had any update on etiquette from ‘the locker room’ but I have a brief note from today. I was getting changed after swimming. I needed to use the urinal. I had my trousers on but hadn’t done the zip up. It was a walk of maybe 20ft to the urinal. Should I do the zip up for the 20foot walk only to undo it a few seconds later? Or should I leave it, there being no point in awkwardly doing up the zip only to undo it a moment later (to do it up again a short while after that). Which way did I go? Well, I thought ‘it would be stupid to do the whole zippy / unzippy thing' - so I strode the few paces across the changing room with zip noticeable open.

Well, sad to say it felt really wrong. The whole ‘don’t walk around with your trousers undone’ training I’ve been undertaking since childhood kicked in and it just felt plain wrong. I’ll try it the other way round next time and let you know...

Incidentally, I would have gone to the loo earlier since you ask, but that would have involved that whole 'standing at the urinal in bare feel and dripping' thing which really doesn’t feel right either.

I’m not sure I mentioned the bloke urinating in the shower through his swimming shorts? This was I should say on a previous occasion, not on one action packed Sunday morning...In theory I shouldn’t object to this as it all goes down the same drain after all. However given the choice one must urinate in the urinal, wash one’s hands and then get in the shower, even if each activity is spaced within a few feet of the others.