This ain't for no English teacher

I saw a job advert today - for an 'Assistant Principal: Inclusion & Cohort Provision'.  Is this to do with being second in charge of providing soldiers to prevent the sacking of Rome?  After consulting them? 

I followed the link out of curiosity to find out if it meant anything.  It says "We are seeking to appoint an outstanding Assistant Principal to join our Leadership Team You will be part of a strategic leadership team who direct and lead the school with particular responsibilities for inclusion and ensuring key cohorts have opportunities to make outstanding progress".

Ah ha - it's something to do with schools then (and not using full stops too by the looks...and inconsistent use of capitals for proper nouns...)  In  the next paragraph they use the word 'teacher'.  It's just so depressing to see almost content free management-speak being used when they're advertising for a teacher.  Here's the next paragraph: 

"This role is for an exceptional teacher whose key purpose is to model and lead improvements in teaching, in particular for students who present challenge.

The main requirements relating to the leadership standards are listed below and involve the following commitment:

• Shaping the future
• Leading Learning and Teaching
• Developing Self and working with other
• Managing the Organisation
• Securing Accountability
• Strengthening Community"

Notice how it reads like a content free Tony Blair conference speech. 

C'mon education people, learn to speak proper!  Sorry to go on but 'key cohorts'?  Unpick that one!

Incidentally if they find an outstanding teacher could I suggest that they put them to work er, teaching?

I'm off to develop self and work with other....

Senior Integrated Communications...

Job adverts continue to be entertaining...I fondly imagine that the people who write some job specs are fully aware of what they’re doing and that they sling huge quantities of bullshit and nonsense management speak in just to see if they can get away with it, to see if anyone notices or dares an Emperor’s New Clothes moment. The idea that people actually take this stuff seriously is surely too frightening to contemplate...

Anyway, here are some recent examples from a job vacancy for a “Senior Integrated Communications Officer”. That doesn’t sound so bad surely? I’ll attempt some sort of possible translation as we go along...

Their role will be “to generate, analyse and disseminate stakeholder intelligence across the communications directorate and to other colleagues within the department” - Disseminate stakeholder intelligence eh? Perhaps that means ‘telling people stuff’?

They’ve helpfully included a list of “Key Accountabilities for the role”. That’ll mean being accountable for the keys then I expect...Or perhaps not.

Anyway, here are a few other things this bod will be doing if they get the job...

They’ll be using various means “to gather intelligence about the mood, activities, opinions of key stakeholder e.g. staff representative groups and professional bodies, the national media” – ‘Listening to what people are saying’? – Or maybe they’re spying on colleagues?

“Creating user-friendly mechanisms to share this insight with colleagues” – ‘Passing information on to people’? Funny how it's become 'insight' all of a sudden though eh?

“Building on existing stakeholder intelligence systems such as the Communications Temperature Checker to meet future needs within the communications directorate and wider Department” - Blimey! Maybe ‘tell people this stuff in the same way as we do now’? I wonder if they'd show me their 'Communications Temperature Checker’ if I show them mine?

“Championing the use of intelligence in communications planning and strategy” – Presumably this must be ‘Arguing that the stuff you’re collecting is worth collecting (or you’ll be out of a job)’?

“Supporting senior members of the team to deliver communications about pensions reform to staff. This will be vital as elements of the reform ratchet up over next 6 months and will also entail feeding into the Departments industry relations policy group” – Well this one is a corker eh?! Presumably that translates as ‘you’ll be helping management screw your colleagues by taking their money’ then?

Among the experience and skills required are “A sound understanding of the full range of communication disciplines including PR, marketing, internal and external communications, stakeholder management and e-communications” – That’s another easy one – ‘you must be absolutely full of shit’.

I didn’t apply for this one...

More top job ads

Next up is an advert for a ‘Project Implementation Executive / Project Manager’. That sounds exciting doesn’t it...let’s find out more...

”Our client was established in 1989 as a specialist provider of bespoke fleet solutions, concentrating on the provision of innovative management services for mid to large corporate entities".

I think this might mean ‘we’re a car hire company’...But in an attempt to find meaning in gaseous emmission let's have a look at what the job involves...

Well, “the main purpose of this role is to be responsible for leading and managing customer implementations and developing relationships with new and existing customers to form the foundation of a successful ongoing contract. Within this role your main responsibilities will include leading and managing customer implementations, project managing all aspects of the implementation process including leading meetings, ensuring project deadlines are met, documenting tasks and allocating roles / responsibilities and creating, managing and delivering the entire project scope and the seamless transfer into our account management teams. You will also be expected to manage internal resources and build effective relationships with team members, proactively manage customer expectations and timescales and communicate with key internal and external stakeholders whilst continually enhancing / developing the company's reputation as a quality service provider”.

So now you know! They could have put 'being good at hiring cars to people' but that would have been too quick and easy to understand I guess...I wish I could manage customer implementations – and deliver the entire project scope of course. They don’t say how big a delivery truck would be needed though.

One final thing – they want to employ someone who can ‘hit the ground running’! Hurray!

I’d definitely give them a name check but I didn’t copy that bit.

Top Jobs from Top Companies

I came across a couple of jobs today. First up is a ‘Multimedia Creative Assistant’. The company advertising this job (‘Nunwood’) has so they say "been uniquely designed to help clients lead their businesses using astute, visionary insight firmly linked to action and return”.

Golly, that’s good isn’t it?!

Not only that but they’re “based out of hubs in North America, Europe and APAC, we work alongside the research, marketing and strategy functions at many of the world's most inspirational brands. To do this, we employ a mixture of smart-technology, ROI-focused services and some of the best business thinkers in the industry”.

There's more...“by redefining the role of a customer insight agency, Nunwood's unique structure and approach has earned 'top agency' status and numerous awards”.

And you thought advertising people were a bunch of tossers didn’t you!?

Finally, if anyone should ever ask you to define the word 'oxymoron', try the phrase 'the world's most inspirational brands'...

Job Spec

As some of you will know I'm currently looking for a job. I saw an advert for one job that helpfully tells you about different aspects of said vacancy - job 'Purpose' for example and 'Typical Tasks and Problems'. All very sensible. All very helpful. Ad performance dips a little with 'Key Result Areas', 'key' being a word that kind of implies unlocking but is rarely used in that way. However, one of the aspects described is 'Illustrative Dimensions'!

I'm not applying for a job that has 'Illustrative Dimensions' thank you very much. Nor am I working for a company that talks like that. This bit tells you where the job is and a bit more about what the job involves. Nowt to do with how big you can crayon...I think they should be made to speak English...