Raise your glasses to Raise Your Banners

Yup, raise your glasses to Raise Your Banners! What am I on about? Well, I sent off a song to people who champion political songwriting - it still exists? Answer, yes! Certainly among the Raise Your Banners people anyway...

I haven't done my research properly but it looks like I'm playing a song on this coming Saturday (26th) at a thing called ‘Our Songs, Our Voices, Our Lives’ concert

Google 'Raise Your Banners Bradford' and check it out folks...

I'm playing just one song I think - but it's a good one and it's a brand new one - and there's loads of other good stuff on too...

Lianne is lovely!

You may have noticed that I don’t really do fan stuff on this ‘ere blog. But I want to let you know that I met Lianne La Havas the other day – and she was lovely. I didn't have to make an appointment or get hassled by security - just wandered up for a chat.

She was on Jools Holland’s show recently and is one of them singers that is so good that they transcend the genre barrier. Great songs too...Went to see her at the Nation of Shopkeepers in Leeds - £4 a ticket. So there – check her out before you can’t afford the tickets. Won't be long.

Ed has good song!

It’s weird when you don’t have any context for music that you hear. That’s the place I live people! I hear stuff but I pay no attention to the look or lifestyle package or biog nonsense.

So here I am to tell you that despite being on the ‘Now’ series of grindingly awful and soul destroying music compilations and getting played on Capital on the radio (OK, that’s context) Ed Sheeran’s ‘The A Team’ is a great song. There, I’ve said it! There’ll be all kinds of ‘reasons’ for his success but you have to remember that you can’t beat a great song as a starting point.

It's been around for ages hasn't it? I don't claim to be up to date...

A bloody good job!

Hey, here’s a good job that came up recently – “Recruitment Sales executives needed to start ASAP across the UK - Apply today to secure interview next week”.

You get 18 to 25 thousand pounds a year apparently - but here are the 'benefits'-

“Monthly lunch clubs at top restaurants, Aston martins, Rolex watches, days out and international holidays plus bonuses”.

Did I miss the line where it said 'utter wankers needed'? You can just imagine the poor deluded souls learning to be conmen persuaded by the lure of the tiny, tiny chance that they might get a posh watch...

Dyson Hoover Service Lunatic Calling!

Another weird modern phenomenon is revealed by our mistake in buying a Dyson Hoover a couple of years back (yeah, I did say Hoover, it's a matter of principle really to mis-represent brands...)

In my crazy old fashioned world you buy a Hoover and use it. If it breaks you either get it fixed or buy a new one. You hope it'll last 30 years like they used to, but expect it to last only 5 due to improvements in design and manufacture introduced over the last couple of decades.

So we bought a Dyson and now we get these lunatics ringing up asking how it is and if it's 'been good for you' and stuff. They then offer to 'service' it for us at £40a pop (or £40 a pop reduced to something tempting like £15) They're going to come round, look at the Hoover and take money off us. They don't threaten disaster like Yorkshire Water and their 'hey, leedle old laydee, your pipes gunna burst and we won't feeex it' but they do apparently expect to be taken seriously. They don't appear to be Dyson themesleves (or I'd tell them not to be so smug about 'design' as the clip that's supposed to hold the sucky pipe thing doesn't work)but firms touting for business.

Well, if they can come and check the coffee mugs and settee are OK I might have 'em round. Floor's looking a bit worn...

Branded on my own...

I keep being told (via spam) that if I don’t use the proper printer ink things could go horribly wrong – in addition to the hurt, bemused and indignant messages from the Epson printer itself I mean. Well now it’s the paper too – 'original Epson Paper'. It’s the perfect combination apparently – how could I have been so stupid to think that paper was paper and printer ink was printer ink eh? They must think I'm a special person who uses special paper...Imagine by the way Esso trying to convince you to only buy their petrol because any other brand will probably wreck your car. Actually they probably do if I paid attention.

I also had one of those talks from a sales person about anti-virus software recently – only the one they were selling is any good of course – I can’t remember which one it was but it was one of those that hijack your computer and send you hundreds of unwanted messages and threaten you with stuff. Yeah, Norton, that was them…

You have to be a halfwit to be a fan of ‘brands’ of course but it really is a special kind of ‘brand’ that makes you actively hate them – so congratulations, Epson, Firstbus and Norton. Mind you, I do quite like the singing passengers waltzing on the bus without paying – very much like getting the number 49 through Harehills, I’m sure you’d agree.

Follow the instructions on the card!

Another in my series of sour reflections on being unemployed...I turned up to Southern House on York Road in Leeds to sign on as unemployed. They gave me an appointment card which told we where and when to go to sign on. If you miss appointments they automatically finish your claim of course so it's important you get this right. The appointment card had an address in Stourton on it - sort of in Leeds but in the kind of motorway junction industrial nowheresville a few miles out of town.

Reasoning that they were idiots I ignored the address on the appointment card and turned up to Southern House again at the next designated appointment time - this was of course the right place. But what if I hadn't known that there was no way that people were going to Stourton to sign on? What if I hadn't known that the Post Office (or Royal Mail or whatever they are) have a big office there and that if I turned up I'd find myself at the post office depot? But this is the card they give to everyone - people who don't necessarily know all this stuff.

So, we have a large, bureacratic and systems based organisation which insists on its clients getting times and dates and places right or they won't get any money - they're handing out appointment cards to first time users giving them a list of times and dates and an address which is specifically not the place where they want people to go.

In a related matter they give you appointment times. They consistently run 25 minutes behind these times. Another good example to the great unwashed eh?

I've heard of them and they're a charity!

I used to work in 'the third sector' i.e. in a charity. They employ 600,000 people in the UK or something. When I became unemployed I had to sign a piece of paper to say that I'd check the Department of Work and Pensions job website everyday or something like that. It doesn't even have a section for 'charities' 'voluntary organisations' or 'the third sector'. I think the nearest they had was the civil service. They put this down on my official card thing.

You used to be able to browse job cards in the job centre so you could look in 'other sections' and you'd never know what would come up. But now you go to a website or computer terminal which throws up either zero or about 3,000 jobs depending on how you search. It's apparetnly better that way. When you sign on it also takes about 15 people to do what one or two did a few years back. This is because they have to interview you. I mentioned 'charities' and one 'advisor' mentioned I could try Oxfam. I think this is because he'd heard of them and that they were a charity.

Generous benefits

Hey people, have you heard about the 'generous benefits' that apparently attract hundreds of thousands of immigrants to Britain. I'm signing on as unemployed and get 60 something quid a week - for 6 months. After that I'll get a fat nowt. I've been paying the government for this for years now and that's all I get. Just thought I'd let you know. I say they should crack down on me and give the 60 quid to the banks.

Remember the ALMO

Here's another rubbish recruitment practice...A number of adverts have come up for jobs that appear to be in Leeds City Council - or the 'ALMOs' that were set up to decrease tenants rights and generally to pretend that they're a nasty private landlord and not the democratically elected Council. So the first question is why are they paying an outside firm to advertise jobs? I advertised a small number of jobs in my last job and it cost precisely nothing - and we got loads of applicants.

The second question is around who is eligible to apply. One of their essential criteria is 'enhanced CRB check in place'. So that's anyone who doesn't know what this is or doesn't have one ruled out. I do have one as it happens and as far as I'm aware they're not transferable, so they'll need to get one for the successful applicant anyway. I noticed one job dealing with adaptations for disabled people. I thought of all the people (myself included) who could apply. Perhaps someone with a disability themselves or someone from an advocacy group - or just someone with a brain who can listen to people and find out what they need, cross reference it with what's realistically available and take it from there. So what's the next essential criteria? It's "Minimum of 12 months experience of working in an environment that deals with adaptations for disabled people, preferably within a large (ideally public sector) organisation" So that'll be someone who's either already doing this job or has done this job then.

A cynic might think that this looks like theis advert is for people applying for their own job in 'not the Council' but it certainly means that a load of people who might be great at the job can't apply.

As it happens I've dealt with hundreds of Council tenants but I can't apply for any of these jobs because I've never done it in a housing department.

Am I bitter? Yeah! I don't make enough money from music to give up work completely and these people seem to be wasting everyone's time. I smell a rat! Call the man from the ALMO!

Feedback Sir?

Another example of shitty behaviour in the ‘job market’. I had an interview last Tuesday for an admin job. They turned me down later that afternoon – by email. A brief one at that. Presumably someone is too busy, cowardly or impolite to bother to talk to people who’ve applied and done an interview and read up about their organisation and spent bus fare getting there and whatnot. I guess it’s possible I missed the call.

The email did say they’d be happy to provide feedback so I telephoned on Wednesday morning. The person I needed to speak to was ‘in a meeting’ so I left my number (which they have on the application form anyway) and asked them to call back. No call on Wednesday. Or Thursday. Or Friday. They must have forgotten clearly. Or they’re too busy. Or they just don’t like the idea and don’t feel they have to. It might even be the modern way. I’m sooo tempted to say that I wouldn’t want to work for them anyway that I’m going to say it…ahem…I wouldn’t want to work for them anyway. There, I said it. Sloppy or cowardly – just rubbish! Not getting a job is one thing, but they should at least act like decent people, particulary when they're running a 'community' organisation.

Tired out after 15 hours...

I maintain that job adverts, recruitment, HR and the like are full of shite. They fuck up all the time but are never to blame for anything. Small things you might say - but annoying nonetheless. I’ve been meaning to copy up some of my ‘looking for a job experience’ for a while. Here’s a couple of small examples.

For example…I got an email today for a jobsite I signed up to. It had an admin job on it. First time it had come up. I decided to have a look. It’s ‘expired and cannot be applied for’. That’s at 7pm. They sent the email this morning – at 4am it seems. But that means that the time between the beginning of the advert and the job ‘expiring’ is less than 15 hours. Perhaps it got tired being on the internet all day and pegged out. Or someone fucked up. People looking for a job think there’s one they could apply for but there’s not. But because recruitment people and organisations are incompetent it ‘cannot be applied for’. It’s no big deal. It’s just another small 2 fingers up from ‘professionals’.

Keep safe children!

I just bought a new Walkman. No, it’s not a cassette based Walkman if you’re asking. And, yes I do know I could probably just have a phone that does everything with downloaded ‘apps’ and all that. But I have a new Walkman and that’s that.

I installed all the software on the computer and whatnot and thought I’d read ‘important information’ from the user guide. So, just so you know, one piece of important advice / information says ‘do not place player in fire’. Also...’Do not pour water or put any foreign object in the player’. Oh, and ‘Do not put any heavy object on top of the player or apply a strong shock to the player’.

So there you go – don’t burn it, throw it in a bucket of water or hit it with a hammer - damn! It's 'elf and safety gorn mad and no mistake...

In another part of the guide it says 'Be careful not to drop the player into a sink or other container filled with water'. Thanks Sony, just in time there!

I also quite like 'When using a strap (not supplied), be careful to avoid catching it on objects you pass by. Furthermore be careful not to swing the player by the strap to avoid bumping people'.

So there you go - it's a dangerous world people...

Equal Opportunities

I've been applying for jobs. Most have an equal opportunities form to fill in and submit with the application. They ask questions that may or may not be relevant or helpful. However, leaving that aside this one 'ere asks about sexuality. Am I Heterosexual, Bisexual, Lesbian, Gay or 'other'? Much discussion ensues about what 'other' might mean...I suppose if one were only interested in sex with animals that would be 'other'...Or perhaps I've missed something...

Authentically Italian

Got an advert through the door for a local takeaway - the Taj Mahal. How do they promote themselves? – “The best pizza in Leeds”. Say no more

Tinchy fails to rescue Man U...

I was channel hopping earlier today and caught the last few minutes of Celtic Vs Manchester United on ITV 4. Couldn't quite work out what sort of match it was - but Man U lost 5-2 - despite bringing Tinchy Stryder on for the last 5 minutes!

Turned out to be a cherriddy type match - Cost me a five quid text for East Africa. Good for me. Good for them (despite Man U being, you know, Man U). But only a 5 out of 10 for the Stryder lad...

Signing on

I've just been signing on as unemployed. If you can stand it I'm going to tell you a bit about it when I get time. Look out it won't be pretty!

Damn your arrogance, juice face!

It was Alexei Sayle who said a good few years ago that there were too many adjectives in food. And so there are in marketing (of food especially). But these days it seems products are pretty much alive / human - and they're coming to get you! I do YouGov surveys and they occasionally include questions in their surveys that certainly hint at marketing people wanting to know what the old YouGov on-line panel (if that’s what it is) think of products.

So...a couple of examples.

Google Chrome is a search engine apparently. I’ve seen the logo. I think some Microsoft product or other will have tried to get it installed through some underhand method while I’ve not been watching. I’ve resisted it so far. Ordinary Google seems to work. But having an opinion on it is like getting on a train and having an opinion on the locomotive – for geeks only, unless it breaks down constantly I suppose in which case the name of the bad ‘un might eventually seep into some wider consciousness.

I was asked in a survey ‘which of the following words would you use to describe Chrome’. The list included a few that might make sense to someone who had an opinion – perhaps even someone who actually uses the thing. But for every ‘easy to use’ or ‘fast’ there was an ‘empowering’ or a ‘cool’. There was also ‘modern’, ‘elegant’ and ‘beautiful’. Blimey. Presumably there’ll be some wannabe marketing wonk somewhere who thinks a search engine can be ‘empowering’ but you would want to talk to them would you?

But even better than that...is Tropicana fruit juice. What do I think of Tropicana fruit juice? Well, I’m sure it’s OK, I’ve seen it in shops but it’s not with the cheap stuff so I’d be really surprised if it didn’t cost a lot. It’s fruit juice.

I drink fruit juice. Fruit juice by any other name would be just, you know, fruit juice. I don’t really have an opinion. Ask me if I have an opinion on the relative merits of fruit juice and I might tell you that one costs more and tastes a bit nicer maybe but I’d also say that the cheapest is usually fine so just buy that and get on with your life.

But someone wants to know how much I agree or disagree with no less than 19 adjectives relating to er, fruit juice. There are one or two where you can see that there might be some point in asking – so I’ll let them off ‘ethical’ and ‘natural’. I can see that you might see their juice as being produced in a nice cuddly ethically aware way (at least compared to some other juice perhaps) and perhaps one might form the opinion that it's less processed and in some way and therefore more ‘natural’ than other juices. All fairly reasonable so far. I might even let them off ‘responsible’, ‘simple’ or ‘boring’. But here are some more attributes of this particular juice on which to agree or disagree – how about ’arrogant’, ‘childish’, ‘creative’ or ‘straight talking’?!

I mean how many times does someone smash their fist into the wall and say ‘I’m sick of that damned arrogant juice and its childish attitude’ to be answered with ‘oh leave it alone Barry, it’s just creative and straight talking that’s all. If you get to know it you’ll find it’s genuine, friendly, innovative, intelligent and interesting’

At the risk of stating the obvious it's none of those thigns. It's orange juice. Anyone who thinks it's got a personality belongs in the deepest depth of despair and degradation where language and life itself has no meaning - Advertising...Or did it become 'marketing' at about the same time Personnel bloated out to strangle the company and became 'HR'? It'll have a swish new name by now won't it...

Not bullshit, no way!

Now I’m not going to slag off the people I reported to in my most recent job. Course not. However, I will pass on the following information and let you make up your own minds...

They joined Twitter. They recently tweeted that they were, and I quote, “interested in learning more using collective leadership to make transformational change”

So there you go! That'll sop the kids smoking. This came from Steph too...

Nose job condolences

Here’s a link to follow if you’d like to laugh at the inadequacy of your fellow human beings (and we all love to do that don’t we!?)-
http://www.kondolenzbuch.prinzessin-diana.de/index.php?show=2&skindir=condolence_diana_english&lang=EN

I suggest putting the music on and taking a look through some of the pages. You’ll never feel sorry for your own sorry empty life ever again! Yeah, I know, 2 sorrys, not very eloquent...

In case you’re too lazy, busy or worried to check it out it’s on on-line book of condolence for the Princess of chucking yourself down the stairs and making everyone turn into morons (not that that was her fault of course).

The weird thing is that people are still adding messages...

Oh blimey...this isn’t the only Diana tribute site either. Best not to look at the internet...I blame Steph - she's my Manager you know.

Here's a brief related thought...Why do people still not mention her obvious nose job? That's Princess Diana, not Steph, most of you won't know her. No nose job so far as I know...that's Steph, not Princess Diana...who obviously did have a nosejob...