Well, who'd have thought? Within the last couple of weeks I have twice found myself running for a bus just as it was about to pull away. Guess what happened...On both of these occasions the bus driver stopped, opened the doors and actually let me on! This is First Bus! In Leeds!
Maybe they've had a training course or had rear view mirrors fitted. Perhaps I was just lucky. Maybe we'll reach a point when this will not be worthy of note. Anyway, good news for once.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Car Clock
Apologies if this has been posted before, I can't remember and I can't be bothered to check...
On our old car you changed the clock by grabbing a sticky - out bit and twiddling it until the clock showed the right time. It even had little buttons for making fine adjustment. Easy, intuitive, mechanical (even though it was electric – you know what I mean) – and no problem. Now we have a new car. It is not possible to change the time on the clock! Not possible. The manual even admits it might not be possible. The car does all kind of stuff automatically (to the extent that if it breaks down a mechanic is the last person you want around) but you cannot set the clock to the right time!
The person or people who dreamt this up are probably still working in the motor industry. Why is there not a rebellion? We also have a spare tyre that only goes at 60km or something. Oh, and all the useful boot / back space has been neatly walled in with plastic so the car is much bigger but doesn’t have actual usable room – presumably we’re only allowed to use the small square space because we’re not qualified to stick things into nooks and crannies. I’ll be wanting to just open the door with a ‘key’ or wanting to wind the window down myself at this rate. Too late, sorry! And yet it takes the manual 15 pages to explain all this convenient simplicity!
I found out after writing this that with 20 minutes reading, a copy of the manual and half a dozen people you can actually set the clock to the right time! You can feel very proud of yourself - until you turn the ignition off when the clock sets itself to the wrong time again! Hurray!
On our old car you changed the clock by grabbing a sticky - out bit and twiddling it until the clock showed the right time. It even had little buttons for making fine adjustment. Easy, intuitive, mechanical (even though it was electric – you know what I mean) – and no problem. Now we have a new car. It is not possible to change the time on the clock! Not possible. The manual even admits it might not be possible. The car does all kind of stuff automatically (to the extent that if it breaks down a mechanic is the last person you want around) but you cannot set the clock to the right time!
The person or people who dreamt this up are probably still working in the motor industry. Why is there not a rebellion? We also have a spare tyre that only goes at 60km or something. Oh, and all the useful boot / back space has been neatly walled in with plastic so the car is much bigger but doesn’t have actual usable room – presumably we’re only allowed to use the small square space because we’re not qualified to stick things into nooks and crannies. I’ll be wanting to just open the door with a ‘key’ or wanting to wind the window down myself at this rate. Too late, sorry! And yet it takes the manual 15 pages to explain all this convenient simplicity!
I found out after writing this that with 20 minutes reading, a copy of the manual and half a dozen people you can actually set the clock to the right time! You can feel very proud of yourself - until you turn the ignition off when the clock sets itself to the wrong time again! Hurray!
Hand-washing Hand-wringing and the BNP
People keep sending me links to the 'not in my name' petition about the BNP. What a horrible whinging liberal thing this is - 'oh, like I'm terribly sorry but like, I didn't, like vote for them'. Yeah, you sign to say 'I didn't vote for them'. Great, that'll show Nick and the lads eh?
Maybe you didn't vote for them, but do you think signing a hand-wringing hand-washing petition will make any difference? We all know that most BNP supporters are those grey, pinched ugly people with no dress sense who smell a bit looking for someone else to blame for their unhappiness and lack of success in life. However, due to the fact that there is a lot of social injustice about (thanks New Labour for widening that class and income gap!) there are more of these people and they're fucking ignorant. So, you have to actually talk to people and learn stuff and put it about - and if you actually put some effort in rather than whining to your Guardian reading friends you might just prevent some people with legitimate concerns about political correctness and equality etc voting for the BNP.
Incidentally, the BNP are wide open on what they probably see as their home turf - patriotism. There's no more fun to be had than chatting to a potential BNP supporter quoting stuff about our glorious boys sticking it to the Nazis and quoting Winston Churchill's proud defence of the English as a 'mongrel race'.
Having said all that there's a great bit in a Woody Allen film where someone is talking about taking on Nazis via a great letter to the New York Times, while Woody is more inclined to actually get down there with baseball bats.
Finally, it is difficult to convince anyone that the BNP are Nazis when they're not allowed to give the salute openly and be overtly racist and the rest. This means that they should either be allowed to be publically racist so people can see them for what they really are or you need to have arguements ready that concede that they may not all actually be racist at all - there's plently of madness to go at, you just have to find the right bits. In the end not that many people are really so stupid you can't talk to them.
So...uncle John says jaw jaw not bleat bleat - and have that baseball bat to hand if its needed. Mind how you go now...
Maybe you didn't vote for them, but do you think signing a hand-wringing hand-washing petition will make any difference? We all know that most BNP supporters are those grey, pinched ugly people with no dress sense who smell a bit looking for someone else to blame for their unhappiness and lack of success in life. However, due to the fact that there is a lot of social injustice about (thanks New Labour for widening that class and income gap!) there are more of these people and they're fucking ignorant. So, you have to actually talk to people and learn stuff and put it about - and if you actually put some effort in rather than whining to your Guardian reading friends you might just prevent some people with legitimate concerns about political correctness and equality etc voting for the BNP.
Incidentally, the BNP are wide open on what they probably see as their home turf - patriotism. There's no more fun to be had than chatting to a potential BNP supporter quoting stuff about our glorious boys sticking it to the Nazis and quoting Winston Churchill's proud defence of the English as a 'mongrel race'.
Having said all that there's a great bit in a Woody Allen film where someone is talking about taking on Nazis via a great letter to the New York Times, while Woody is more inclined to actually get down there with baseball bats.
Finally, it is difficult to convince anyone that the BNP are Nazis when they're not allowed to give the salute openly and be overtly racist and the rest. This means that they should either be allowed to be publically racist so people can see them for what they really are or you need to have arguements ready that concede that they may not all actually be racist at all - there's plently of madness to go at, you just have to find the right bits. In the end not that many people are really so stupid you can't talk to them.
So...uncle John says jaw jaw not bleat bleat - and have that baseball bat to hand if its needed. Mind how you go now...
Oh how I lurve Firstbus!
I got on a bendy bus in Leeds recently. Someone has decided that since we can’t have trams they can sell us buses that ‘look a bit like trams’ and we’ll all be happy. However, I got on just as the doors were closing and was told off by the conductor (conductress? – can you say that these days?) for getting on the ‘wrong door’.
It has ‘exit only’ printed on it in small letters apparently. For some reason I’d neglected to search for door signage when getting on the bus. She said that some drivers make you get off again and get on at the other door. She may have been joking but since I’d spoiled the Firstbus drivers’ favourite game of shutting the door in passengers faces and driving off perhaps they do get cross enough to do this. Oddly, when the bus stopped it was OK to get off at the entrance door. I did explain that I thought it worked like a tram and I nearly asked her for an explanation of what anyone gained by only allowing you to get on at one set of doors. I didn’t. This is probably best. I decide to murder all those that stopped us getting trams instead. At his rate that film with Micheal Douglas getting more and more wound up and more and more violent due to frustration at idiots and their ways will soon by my favourite thing ('Falling Down' I think its called).
It has ‘exit only’ printed on it in small letters apparently. For some reason I’d neglected to search for door signage when getting on the bus. She said that some drivers make you get off again and get on at the other door. She may have been joking but since I’d spoiled the Firstbus drivers’ favourite game of shutting the door in passengers faces and driving off perhaps they do get cross enough to do this. Oddly, when the bus stopped it was OK to get off at the entrance door. I did explain that I thought it worked like a tram and I nearly asked her for an explanation of what anyone gained by only allowing you to get on at one set of doors. I didn’t. This is probably best. I decide to murder all those that stopped us getting trams instead. At his rate that film with Micheal Douglas getting more and more wound up and more and more violent due to frustration at idiots and their ways will soon by my favourite thing ('Falling Down' I think its called).
Oh Lordy, its the Council again
I go swimming most Sunday mornings at a Leeds City Council Pool. I naively thought that a) they’d want people to actually use the pool and b) they were providing some kind of service (paid for by my Council Tax and income tax). However, they’ve come up with the perfect wheeze to keep people away, cause them maximum inconvenience, generally annoy them and presumably prepare the case for closing pools down. What they do on a Sunday is this – they open up in the morning for an hour and a half. Then they kick everyone out and close the place for half an hour. Then they open again for an hour and a half and then close again for half an hour kicking everyone out - and so on throughout the day!
So, realistically you can only get in to swim during a small number of periods of about ½ an hour (maybe 45 minutes) during the day. If you get this timing wrong the pool will either be closed or about to close before you’ve had chance to actually swim. Presumably staff are paid when there’s no-one in the pool to pay their wages – and everyone gets to the showers and changing rooms at the same time.
The only hint as to what twisted logic they’ve used to come up with this system was a comment by the receptionist about swimming being made free for children – I think it may be do with ‘managing demand’ (of which in real life there is precious little) by making sure people don’t turn up and swim for hours (like they do, obviously).
Basically the only people who can go are the organized compliant types who don’t mind being pushed around by Leeds City Council for its own convenience and who can get themselves and the kids up and out on a Sunday morning without any time slipping by in any nonsense ‘let’s try and relax its Sunday morning’ kind of way. The toilets still stink by the way.
Can you imagine Tescos pulling this sort of stunt? Presumably they could do with some catch-up time and shelf stocking time if they got busy, but would they just close the shop for random half hours during the day? Actually no, I guess not. Mind you they probably don’t close their cafes at 3.30 on a Sunday afternoon when everyone wants a cup of tea either – that’s the Council again. To be fair, it’s a bit later in the summer – ‘bout 9 o’clock any good for you? Nah, 4 I think. Everyone’s back home 7 hours before it gets dark in June obviously.
It has occurred to me that I could and should write letters and phone councilors and whatnot. Unfortunately I have stuff to do so won’t get round to it. I shall just continue to harbour hate and contempt for the Council and Firstbus and the rest of them.
So, realistically you can only get in to swim during a small number of periods of about ½ an hour (maybe 45 minutes) during the day. If you get this timing wrong the pool will either be closed or about to close before you’ve had chance to actually swim. Presumably staff are paid when there’s no-one in the pool to pay their wages – and everyone gets to the showers and changing rooms at the same time.
The only hint as to what twisted logic they’ve used to come up with this system was a comment by the receptionist about swimming being made free for children – I think it may be do with ‘managing demand’ (of which in real life there is precious little) by making sure people don’t turn up and swim for hours (like they do, obviously).
Basically the only people who can go are the organized compliant types who don’t mind being pushed around by Leeds City Council for its own convenience and who can get themselves and the kids up and out on a Sunday morning without any time slipping by in any nonsense ‘let’s try and relax its Sunday morning’ kind of way. The toilets still stink by the way.
Can you imagine Tescos pulling this sort of stunt? Presumably they could do with some catch-up time and shelf stocking time if they got busy, but would they just close the shop for random half hours during the day? Actually no, I guess not. Mind you they probably don’t close their cafes at 3.30 on a Sunday afternoon when everyone wants a cup of tea either – that’s the Council again. To be fair, it’s a bit later in the summer – ‘bout 9 o’clock any good for you? Nah, 4 I think. Everyone’s back home 7 hours before it gets dark in June obviously.
It has occurred to me that I could and should write letters and phone councilors and whatnot. Unfortunately I have stuff to do so won’t get round to it. I shall just continue to harbour hate and contempt for the Council and Firstbus and the rest of them.
Electricity
I ordered something off ebay recently and its delivery was delayed. I got a note of apology from the seller. It said:
"Hi, I went to the post office today to post the cd and unfortunately they had a power cut and were unable to accept any parcels. Please accept my apologies for this..."
Now in what kind of a world can a post office not accept a CD in an envelope because of a power cut? Do they only have android counter staff who all shut off when there's no power? Do they not have a 'non electric space' where they can put stuff down? Do they not have stamps and weighing scales? What would they do in a real emergency? Actually because they're all so swish and modern these days they don't have stamps (they print out labels) and the scales are all digital - presumably because the old ones could be used and understood by customers. So when the power goes off the whole thing stops - not exactly the spirit of the blitz.
Mind you there's virtually nothing these days that doesn't need a computer and electricity to work (except it doesn't actually work very well of course). I say bring back hand cranking and scales with weights and clockwork, erm, clocks and cars that will start with a handle and all the rest of it. We could even have back up card index systems. One big bang or disease or weird computer bug and everone will starve to death for no good reason because nothing works. Doors won't open and cars won't move and all the rest. We are so totally dependent on this stuff that we would have no idea what to do if anything big went wrong. Everyone would be bleating for the 'emergency services' or 'the government' to come and sort everything out for them and we'd all starve for want of a battery for our digital tin openers.
"Hi, I went to the post office today to post the cd and unfortunately they had a power cut and were unable to accept any parcels. Please accept my apologies for this..."
Now in what kind of a world can a post office not accept a CD in an envelope because of a power cut? Do they only have android counter staff who all shut off when there's no power? Do they not have a 'non electric space' where they can put stuff down? Do they not have stamps and weighing scales? What would they do in a real emergency? Actually because they're all so swish and modern these days they don't have stamps (they print out labels) and the scales are all digital - presumably because the old ones could be used and understood by customers. So when the power goes off the whole thing stops - not exactly the spirit of the blitz.
Mind you there's virtually nothing these days that doesn't need a computer and electricity to work (except it doesn't actually work very well of course). I say bring back hand cranking and scales with weights and clockwork, erm, clocks and cars that will start with a handle and all the rest of it. We could even have back up card index systems. One big bang or disease or weird computer bug and everone will starve to death for no good reason because nothing works. Doors won't open and cars won't move and all the rest. We are so totally dependent on this stuff that we would have no idea what to do if anything big went wrong. Everyone would be bleating for the 'emergency services' or 'the government' to come and sort everything out for them and we'd all starve for want of a battery for our digital tin openers.
Bus stop paranoia
There used to be a bus shelter in the middle of the Headrow in Leeds where you can get the 49 and 50 buses. It disappeared. At about the same time the massive new Argos 'Extra' opened just where the shelter used to be. As a miserable amateur conspiracy buff I started to convince myself that Argos probably had the power to object to bus shelters and get them removed due to them covering up Argos logos and their wonderful shop front. Then I saw a sticker on the bus stop saying that there would soon be a new shelter - what a silly paranoid little man I am eh?
However, this was weeks ago now and still no bus shelter. Maybe I am not mad. If it were Tescos I could be sure...I'll wait and see.
However, this was weeks ago now and still no bus shelter. Maybe I am not mad. If it were Tescos I could be sure...I'll wait and see.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Scritti Politti 'White Bread Black Beer'
When I set this blog up I thought I would do more of this. Anyway, I bought another copy of White Bread Black Beer by Scritti Politti to give away as a present. I wrote this lot out in the time it took to write it (if you see what I mean - i.e. I did it quickly, straight off the top of me head) so the grammar and tenses sway a bit. However, it does convey some enthusiasm I think...
To be honest this album deserves proper research and information and putting into context and all that blather. However, I don’t have time for that. What I would like to tell you is that this is a GREAT, GREAT RECORD. I define that by the number of times I listen to it over time. This is one of those records that you like when you first hear it and have a little niggling urge to play again. Thing is that that urge didn’t start to fade until I got to about 60 complete listens. I put it on my MP3 player (a thing I’m a bit ambivalent about by the way) and just kept playing it – and I still want to keep listening to it! This puts it up there with the GREAT RECORDS that I’ve really loved over the years, Dylan’s Blood on the Tracks, various Beatles albums – the really great records of all time. More recently only the Shins Wincing the Night Away has done anything like this for me.
I remember reading years ago that Joni Mitchell album took a year to sink in and another year to appreciate. I think that this album also has some of that quality. Now it doesn’t actually sound like any of the people I’ve listed but it does mean that you don’t have to buy into any historical 1980s or Scritti Politti ‘place in pop history’ stuff to appreciate it - it just means it’s a great, great record.
OK, so after that some hints as to what it’s actually like. Well for a start you get a really gorgeous voice. High, even slightly androgynous, caressing even, smooth and perfect recorded to hear lip sounds (close to mike and compressed fact fans) and just great to listen to. The words are pop in a slightly twisted and fascinating way. You may not know exactly what a song is about but it’ll certainly sound like it’s about something - and its something interesting and pop but slightly dark, perhaps even very dark. Blood features a few times – feeding something or other blood from a spoon, a flag of blood and lipstick – and is that ‘bellywash blood’? – yuk! – But fabulous too. Darkness in pop is a very special thing when it’s done well – I mean what can ‘Touch me again and I’ll tell Mrs Hughes’ possibly be about? This is followed later in the song by ‘Tell me again and I’ll touch Mrs Hughes’. Thing is, I think I know what this might be about but can’t quite put it into words and it’s private so I’m not telling you anyway. If I knew exactly what it was about it might spoil it. The whole album allows you to interpret lyrics for yourself and kind of develop your own relationship with it - you only need the album – no photos of artist or interviews or context to persuade you why you like it, just the record itself in a world of its own and you in a world of your own with the record.
The songs are all great but often a bit fragmented (this is not a bad thing though it normally would be). One will start with some gorgeous Beach Boys like harmony which will stop and reappear later as if its part of the next song - which it actually might be – who cares!? The result is that 13 tracks sounds like around 30 – and for once this is a GOOD THING – there’s always another favourite moment coming up and the bit you’re listening to is likely to be a new favourite bit in another few listens. The music is home recorded. Again, this sounds like it might be a horrible amateur thing, but in fact it just means it’s a single unique vision. A lot of time must’ve been put into this. Like my Grandma’s buns – perfectly risen, perfectly mixed and with icing and a cherry on top. I haven’t really analysed the instrumentation but things occur as you go along – there are certainly acoustic guitars on there and there’s bass and some beat box type drums and probably a lot of the songs have no drums at all but who cares – if you’re eating the perfect bar of bitter sweet chocolate why bother to notice the exact percentage of cocoa butter?
So, this is pop – YEAH YEAH as XTC once said. Do yourself a favour and buy this record and listen to it a 1,000 times before you die. Put it up there with yer Beatles and Dylans and Mitchells if you’re me or alongside your own particular life enhancing / changing records.
I came to this record after hearing Stuart Maconie play a track on Radio 2. It was the single Snow in Sun and it sounded like slightly trippy, slightly fey modern psychedelia on first hearing. I thought I’d be buying something slightly twee but fun. In fact I got one of the best records I’ve hear in years.
This is an achingly good record. I’ve bought 3 copies so far so I can give them to people I know who deserve them and might appreciate them. A strange and beautiful thing!
To be honest this album deserves proper research and information and putting into context and all that blather. However, I don’t have time for that. What I would like to tell you is that this is a GREAT, GREAT RECORD. I define that by the number of times I listen to it over time. This is one of those records that you like when you first hear it and have a little niggling urge to play again. Thing is that that urge didn’t start to fade until I got to about 60 complete listens. I put it on my MP3 player (a thing I’m a bit ambivalent about by the way) and just kept playing it – and I still want to keep listening to it! This puts it up there with the GREAT RECORDS that I’ve really loved over the years, Dylan’s Blood on the Tracks, various Beatles albums – the really great records of all time. More recently only the Shins Wincing the Night Away has done anything like this for me.
I remember reading years ago that Joni Mitchell album took a year to sink in and another year to appreciate. I think that this album also has some of that quality. Now it doesn’t actually sound like any of the people I’ve listed but it does mean that you don’t have to buy into any historical 1980s or Scritti Politti ‘place in pop history’ stuff to appreciate it - it just means it’s a great, great record.
OK, so after that some hints as to what it’s actually like. Well for a start you get a really gorgeous voice. High, even slightly androgynous, caressing even, smooth and perfect recorded to hear lip sounds (close to mike and compressed fact fans) and just great to listen to. The words are pop in a slightly twisted and fascinating way. You may not know exactly what a song is about but it’ll certainly sound like it’s about something - and its something interesting and pop but slightly dark, perhaps even very dark. Blood features a few times – feeding something or other blood from a spoon, a flag of blood and lipstick – and is that ‘bellywash blood’? – yuk! – But fabulous too. Darkness in pop is a very special thing when it’s done well – I mean what can ‘Touch me again and I’ll tell Mrs Hughes’ possibly be about? This is followed later in the song by ‘Tell me again and I’ll touch Mrs Hughes’. Thing is, I think I know what this might be about but can’t quite put it into words and it’s private so I’m not telling you anyway. If I knew exactly what it was about it might spoil it. The whole album allows you to interpret lyrics for yourself and kind of develop your own relationship with it - you only need the album – no photos of artist or interviews or context to persuade you why you like it, just the record itself in a world of its own and you in a world of your own with the record.
The songs are all great but often a bit fragmented (this is not a bad thing though it normally would be). One will start with some gorgeous Beach Boys like harmony which will stop and reappear later as if its part of the next song - which it actually might be – who cares!? The result is that 13 tracks sounds like around 30 – and for once this is a GOOD THING – there’s always another favourite moment coming up and the bit you’re listening to is likely to be a new favourite bit in another few listens. The music is home recorded. Again, this sounds like it might be a horrible amateur thing, but in fact it just means it’s a single unique vision. A lot of time must’ve been put into this. Like my Grandma’s buns – perfectly risen, perfectly mixed and with icing and a cherry on top. I haven’t really analysed the instrumentation but things occur as you go along – there are certainly acoustic guitars on there and there’s bass and some beat box type drums and probably a lot of the songs have no drums at all but who cares – if you’re eating the perfect bar of bitter sweet chocolate why bother to notice the exact percentage of cocoa butter?
So, this is pop – YEAH YEAH as XTC once said. Do yourself a favour and buy this record and listen to it a 1,000 times before you die. Put it up there with yer Beatles and Dylans and Mitchells if you’re me or alongside your own particular life enhancing / changing records.
I came to this record after hearing Stuart Maconie play a track on Radio 2. It was the single Snow in Sun and it sounded like slightly trippy, slightly fey modern psychedelia on first hearing. I thought I’d be buying something slightly twee but fun. In fact I got one of the best records I’ve hear in years.
This is an achingly good record. I’ve bought 3 copies so far so I can give them to people I know who deserve them and might appreciate them. A strange and beautiful thing!
Friday, April 10, 2009
That last post
That last post reminded me that comedians still do routines about buying Christmas presents at the last minute - I say 'Catch up'! - Christmas Eve is Easter egg time and you're not allowed to buy stuff except when its advertised. Follow the shops' agenda or get the hell out!
I don't understand shopping any more (in so far as I ever did) and I don't know why shops don't like me, my money or my attitude. Probably because I don't thank them for watching me and stuff.
If only people were paranoid snitches willing to shop anyone with a swarthy complexion and do what the government told them a bit more we could all be happy eh?! I love New Labour and all they've done. Sorry, I'm thinking posters again.
I don't understand shopping any more (in so far as I ever did) and I don't know why shops don't like me, my money or my attitude. Probably because I don't thank them for watching me and stuff.
If only people were paranoid snitches willing to shop anyone with a swarthy complexion and do what the government told them a bit more we could all be happy eh?! I love New Labour and all they've done. Sorry, I'm thinking posters again.
Easter Shopping!
It’s Good Friday today. Thought I’d buy an Easter egg, with it being Easter and all. I’d also read there were a lot about due to Woolworth’s going out of business. I was in town so I popped into Boots. No sign. Oh well, never mind, on to Tescos. Nope – no Easter eggs in Tescos either. Ok, Wilkinson’s – now if ever there was a shop (or am I only allowed to say ‘store’ these days) that would sell Easter eggs it would be the big Wilko’s in town. Nope - nothing there but an advert for ‘em in the window. No actual Easter eggs. The penny finally dropped – they’ve been selling them since Christmas and they think to themselves, what kind of idiot would buy an Easter egg only 2 days before Easter? Presumably I should have been looking for Father’s day cards (don’t get me started on that one) – Easter eggs at Easter? – What kind of loser am I?
This is actually good news as it saves money. It’s like the fact that telly is rubbish means there’s loads more time to do ‘other stuff’ – the result is the opposite of what ‘they’ presumably want - but I gain.
Eventually, I actually I found some Easter eggs in Sainsbury’s (the Headrow, Leeds if you were wondering). However this was not a particularly pleasant experience. You get into the shop at the front where the escalators are like gleaming white evangelical teeth. When they’ve got your money they kick you out into the alley at the arse-end of the shop (sorry, store). Not only that, but when you have done your shopping they make you line up to follow a queue to 400 serve-yourself checkouts in rows - looks like the biggest urinal in history. With dozens of attendants to make sure you’re doing their job correctly for them They had a single till where someone took your money and of course this had a massive queue.
I want to know what I get from the supermarkets for doing their job for them. This whole ‘come on, come on, we’ve let you buy stuff so hurry up and fuck off and don’t you dare ask any of our staff to do anything for you’ attitude really sucks, to use the Americanism.
Looking on the bright side though, if all shopping experiences are depressing and rubbish I’ll save a load of money. Still paid £290 for new glasses though – it were free when I were a lad – NHS and all that. It were all free you know. What happened to that?
Meanwhile Argos have staff with badges saying they’re ‘colleagues’. They make sure that you don’t have to talk to them at all though. Where are all the people they used to employ in shops to do stuff?
This is actually good news as it saves money. It’s like the fact that telly is rubbish means there’s loads more time to do ‘other stuff’ – the result is the opposite of what ‘they’ presumably want - but I gain.
Eventually, I actually I found some Easter eggs in Sainsbury’s (the Headrow, Leeds if you were wondering). However this was not a particularly pleasant experience. You get into the shop at the front where the escalators are like gleaming white evangelical teeth. When they’ve got your money they kick you out into the alley at the arse-end of the shop (sorry, store). Not only that, but when you have done your shopping they make you line up to follow a queue to 400 serve-yourself checkouts in rows - looks like the biggest urinal in history. With dozens of attendants to make sure you’re doing their job correctly for them They had a single till where someone took your money and of course this had a massive queue.
I want to know what I get from the supermarkets for doing their job for them. This whole ‘come on, come on, we’ve let you buy stuff so hurry up and fuck off and don’t you dare ask any of our staff to do anything for you’ attitude really sucks, to use the Americanism.
Looking on the bright side though, if all shopping experiences are depressing and rubbish I’ll save a load of money. Still paid £290 for new glasses though – it were free when I were a lad – NHS and all that. It were all free you know. What happened to that?
Meanwhile Argos have staff with badges saying they’re ‘colleagues’. They make sure that you don’t have to talk to them at all though. Where are all the people they used to employ in shops to do stuff?
Sunday, March 29, 2009
CD Reviews! Coming soon - maybe
As you may know I hardly ever go on about music. However, sometimes a CD is just sooo good you have to go on about it. So after a quick mention of the Shins (Wincing the Night Away) which I'm still playing months and months after I got it and a quick nod to Oasis (the latest album is actually 'pretty good') I need to thank Mr Maconie on Wunnerful Radio 2 for directing me in the direction of White Bread Black Beer by Scritti Politti (have I even spelt that right). Came out in 2006 apparently. Thing is it's absolutely fab - I've played it about 50 times now and really don't want to turn it off when I start - it's a giddy delight of pop confection in the slightly off kilter non-rubbish vein of pop. I shall be going on about it again - and I have the chance to review it on ebay!
I don't know if anyone actually does these reviews on ebay and if anyone reads them but I will do one for this one. I bought a copy to give to someone in a kind of 'here's one of the best records you're likely to hear in a very long time' kind of way. The last record felt strong enough about to 'review' on ebay was New Model Army - who were always so much better than most right thinking people thought and I will always defend. So there.
More on this at some point I expect.
I don't know if anyone actually does these reviews on ebay and if anyone reads them but I will do one for this one. I bought a copy to give to someone in a kind of 'here's one of the best records you're likely to hear in a very long time' kind of way. The last record felt strong enough about to 'review' on ebay was New Model Army - who were always so much better than most right thinking people thought and I will always defend. So there.
More on this at some point I expect.
An example of my email thang
If you should sign up for the JP 'newsletter / occasional email' this is an example of what you get. I'm not saying its any good it just IS OK? Just send an email and I'll put you on the list. Or take you off if you want.
Hello, and to the show, Well...come!
Welcome to the thankfully rare JP / Wholesky Monitor update.
...And the computer is back at AAZ / FR Records HQ after what might be described as 'quite a long time' being repaired. It stopped working. We took it to a shop and said 'make it work'. They kept it for ages but then they made it work. So now it works. Simple these computers really.
So, the evenings of singing hymns with the family around the pianoforte, playing cribbage with the curate from the village, crocheting harpsichords and generally doing 'other stuff' are gone and we can get back to deleting messages from myspace, Facebook, a million and one bands, suppliers to bands, websites that make you famous, magazines, ebay, gig adverts, record adverts, spam and friends stranded in Nigeria / open mic nights and all the other fab internet nonsense that wastes your life like 'other stuff' used to.
So, instead its time for us to clog up your inbox with stuff about a gig. Here are a list of 'desirables' at a gig:
1. A good day of the week - how about a Friday then? That any good? Yes, Friday is good, no school in the morning, can stay out late etc.
2. Decent time - how about 10pm? You could go on to a club, even a pub or just get a bus, train or pre-midnight taxi home. Or simply have sex in an alley near the venue and sunrise won't expose the depths of your iniquity.
3. Decent venue - how about the Elbow Rooms in Leeds? Call Lane, just down the hill from the Corn Exchange.
4. Not too expensive - how about £2 for 4 bands? That's TWO POUNDS - that is not a lot of money even for you tight wads, come on now.
So...(and congrats to those of you who spotted this one coming...)
Whole Sky Monitor are playing at the Elbow Rooms, Call Lane, Leeds on Friday 27th March. That's a week or so away, plenty of time to not forget. On about 10pm though its OK to turn up earlier and watch the other bands. If its actually Room plural you knew what I meant, I just didn't bother, I thought you'd know OK?
So we're on 4 out of 4 so far. So, yeah, the music might be a bit dodgy but 4 out of 5 isn't bad and you can't have everything eh? Boom Boom! (I'm so glad Basil Brush was re-invented pretty much on the old model by the way - and the latest book I'm reading mentions Kunzel cakes - see the blog via johnparkes.com for details...I'll do that at some point soon)
This is the first WSM gig for ages and it'll be the last for a while and we'll be 'previewing' (this is a word that means 'playing') some of the songs that we're recording for the new album which will probably not have the word Fritzl in its title though it could be a close run thing. If you need reminding or would like to see the poster or want something to forward to your nephew in Colchester here's a link: http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa157/atnelson/270309--1web.png You can get tickets in advance from band members if you like too. You hand over £2 and they give you a ticket - easy!
Right, that's enough of them. Here's some advance notice of a JP gig what I am doing. I'll send more details nearer the time. This one is 'for cheriddy' (I do fuck all for charity and love to talk about it etc...and I own shares in BT - actually I don't, that was Bernard Manning and not me there for a second)
It's Friday 8th May at the West Indian Centre in Chapeltown off Chapeltown Road starting at 7pm (see most of the above re good things to have at a gig). It's for a thing called the 'Whiterose Initiative'. This is a charity dedicated to supporting and promoting out of town shopping centres during the recession and concentrates on the White Rose Centre off Dewsbury Road. Actually, I just checked and it's not. It looks like a bunch of pinko do-gooders who are merely postponing the workers revolution by their naive capitalist liberal do-gooding (see, I told you they were do-gooders - for those who aren't sure, do you really prefer do-badders?) Find out more at http://www.whiteroseinitiative.co.uk/ The website was last updated in December 2006 so they're my kind of people.
It's getting late so if I have to go, I'd better go now, or else I'll have to stay all night.
Just come to the gigs eh? Then I wouldn't have to write this stuff which wastes the foam of the best blood (if anyone gets this reference you are very clever indeed with a very good memory)
Good night to one and all and see you at the gigzz
JP
Hello, and to the show, Well...come!
Welcome to the thankfully rare JP / Wholesky Monitor update.
...And the computer is back at AAZ / FR Records HQ after what might be described as 'quite a long time' being repaired. It stopped working. We took it to a shop and said 'make it work'. They kept it for ages but then they made it work. So now it works. Simple these computers really.
So, the evenings of singing hymns with the family around the pianoforte, playing cribbage with the curate from the village, crocheting harpsichords and generally doing 'other stuff' are gone and we can get back to deleting messages from myspace, Facebook, a million and one bands, suppliers to bands, websites that make you famous, magazines, ebay, gig adverts, record adverts, spam and friends stranded in Nigeria / open mic nights and all the other fab internet nonsense that wastes your life like 'other stuff' used to.
So, instead its time for us to clog up your inbox with stuff about a gig. Here are a list of 'desirables' at a gig:
1. A good day of the week - how about a Friday then? That any good? Yes, Friday is good, no school in the morning, can stay out late etc.
2. Decent time - how about 10pm? You could go on to a club, even a pub or just get a bus, train or pre-midnight taxi home. Or simply have sex in an alley near the venue and sunrise won't expose the depths of your iniquity.
3. Decent venue - how about the Elbow Rooms in Leeds? Call Lane, just down the hill from the Corn Exchange.
4. Not too expensive - how about £2 for 4 bands? That's TWO POUNDS - that is not a lot of money even for you tight wads, come on now.
So...(and congrats to those of you who spotted this one coming...)
Whole Sky Monitor are playing at the Elbow Rooms, Call Lane, Leeds on Friday 27th March. That's a week or so away, plenty of time to not forget. On about 10pm though its OK to turn up earlier and watch the other bands. If its actually Room plural you knew what I meant, I just didn't bother, I thought you'd know OK?
So we're on 4 out of 4 so far. So, yeah, the music might be a bit dodgy but 4 out of 5 isn't bad and you can't have everything eh? Boom Boom! (I'm so glad Basil Brush was re-invented pretty much on the old model by the way - and the latest book I'm reading mentions Kunzel cakes - see the blog via johnparkes.com for details...I'll do that at some point soon)
This is the first WSM gig for ages and it'll be the last for a while and we'll be 'previewing' (this is a word that means 'playing') some of the songs that we're recording for the new album which will probably not have the word Fritzl in its title though it could be a close run thing. If you need reminding or would like to see the poster or want something to forward to your nephew in Colchester here's a link: http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa157/atnelson/270309--1web.png You can get tickets in advance from band members if you like too. You hand over £2 and they give you a ticket - easy!
Right, that's enough of them. Here's some advance notice of a JP gig what I am doing. I'll send more details nearer the time. This one is 'for cheriddy' (I do fuck all for charity and love to talk about it etc...and I own shares in BT - actually I don't, that was Bernard Manning and not me there for a second)
It's Friday 8th May at the West Indian Centre in Chapeltown off Chapeltown Road starting at 7pm (see most of the above re good things to have at a gig). It's for a thing called the 'Whiterose Initiative'. This is a charity dedicated to supporting and promoting out of town shopping centres during the recession and concentrates on the White Rose Centre off Dewsbury Road. Actually, I just checked and it's not. It looks like a bunch of pinko do-gooders who are merely postponing the workers revolution by their naive capitalist liberal do-gooding (see, I told you they were do-gooders - for those who aren't sure, do you really prefer do-badders?) Find out more at http://www.whiteroseinitiative.co.uk/ The website was last updated in December 2006 so they're my kind of people.
It's getting late so if I have to go, I'd better go now, or else I'll have to stay all night.
Just come to the gigs eh? Then I wouldn't have to write this stuff which wastes the foam of the best blood (if anyone gets this reference you are very clever indeed with a very good memory)
Good night to one and all and see you at the gigzz
JP
Saturday, March 28, 2009
New key sir?
Guess how much a new key is for a Vauxhall Vivaro van. A fiver? Ten? Surely not £20? Nope, its £145. Really!
He was looking at the camera officer
This is all getting too predictable. They spend our taxes on adverts telling poor people that they'd better not work on the side for an extra few quid or the law will be after them. It's the usual thing - steal £20 and they're after you, steal £20 million and you'll be invited to advise the government. But now they're inviting people to inform on people looking at security cameras.
Occasionally I look at security cameras and wonder why they're watching the poor areas. Actually it seems pretty clear, they're there to direct the vans when the plebs start rioting. But now, according to the posters we're all paying for, lives will be saved by people reporting other people for looking at the cameras. The posters have been produced for or by our friends the British Transport Police (why?!) You'd think the cameras would be recordng the people examining them wouldn't you? I wonder how this works? Maybe its that the average nutjob terrorist so desperate for sex with a string of virgins he'll blow himself to pieces doesn't want any pictures afterwards? The same kind of people who make those terrific videos showing off their big holy guns?
Anyway the message is clear - they're telling us not to dare question being watched all the time because its for our own good. Then with find Orwellian irony they'll tell us that our way of life and 'freedoms' must be protected. By watching everyone. And torture. Not that this country has ever had any involvment in any of that. Obviously.
Occasionally I look at security cameras and wonder why they're watching the poor areas. Actually it seems pretty clear, they're there to direct the vans when the plebs start rioting. But now, according to the posters we're all paying for, lives will be saved by people reporting other people for looking at the cameras. The posters have been produced for or by our friends the British Transport Police (why?!) You'd think the cameras would be recordng the people examining them wouldn't you? I wonder how this works? Maybe its that the average nutjob terrorist so desperate for sex with a string of virgins he'll blow himself to pieces doesn't want any pictures afterwards? The same kind of people who make those terrific videos showing off their big holy guns?
Anyway the message is clear - they're telling us not to dare question being watched all the time because its for our own good. Then with find Orwellian irony they'll tell us that our way of life and 'freedoms' must be protected. By watching everyone. And torture. Not that this country has ever had any involvment in any of that. Obviously.
Point proven I think
Well! Within seconds of posting all that stuff about "large introduction and embedding of systematic approaches to commissioning and provision of services to facilitate and enable lifestyle and behaviour change" from the NHS and I get a message from the blog people saying that my blog is probably spam and will be deleted! It would appear they have a detector which recognises spam by its "irrelevant, repetitive, or nonsensical text"! I guess this is all that minced up Dickens and stuff that comes with your penis enlargement opportunities.
I reckon all official 'information' should be scanned for spam. If it comes up as spam (and it surely will) delete the lot, sack 'em all and put the kettle on - job done!
I reckon all official 'information' should be scanned for spam. If it comes up as spam (and it surely will) delete the lot, sack 'em all and put the kettle on - job done!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Even more changing room behaviour
Who’d have thought that swimming pool showers and changing rooms would continue to produce new observations. Today’s is the simple statement that watching a small boy wee in the shower is actually not the funniest thing ever in the history of the world as his Dad and the bloke next to him seemed to think. Not that I’m particularly objecting I hasten to add, just not worth the belly laughs that’s all.
Then there's the bloke drying his bald head under the hand dryer in the same way one might if one had hair. Which he didn't. As he was bald.
Then there's the bloke drying his bald head under the hand dryer in the same way one might if one had hair. Which he didn't. As he was bald.
"Behaviour Change Workforce Competence Framework"!
Via work I receive a booklet (a proper, printed, full colour booklet mind) from ‘Yorkshire and the Humber NHS’ (the Humber being a river containing, so far as I know, no hospitals) about something called ‘Healthy Ambitions’.
A thing called the ‘Yorkshire and the Humber Public Health Workforce Advisory Group’ (i.e. a bunch of people who go to meetings) have analysed this and developed a ‘multi-partner approach with human resources at the core’. All very heartwarming I’m sure though anyone who has ever worked in a large organisation will know the value of HR (i.e. none at all). But anyway, I digress…It says “Language like ‘industrialisation’ has been used to describe this imperative. What this means is a large introduction and embedding of systematic approaches to commissioning and provision of services to facilitate and enable lifestyle and behaviour change”. Even better, ‘a behaviour change workforce competence framework’ has been commissioned from Sheffield Hallam University. Now we all know that nobody speaks like this. We also know that no-one in their right mind can read this stuff. So are the people who produce this sort of language all freaks and weirdos? I suspect not. I suspect that they just learn to pretend that they understand this and that this kind of language is ‘academic’ and using it makes them somehow as clever as all the other people who can’t get an idea across without talking nonsense. We are of course paying for this stuff. I think its about telling people that things like smoking are bad for them. I think the idea is that the people at Sheffield Hallam University (that’s Sheffield Poly to you and me) will think of clever ‘industrialised’ ways of telling people that smoking is bad for them. You could just tell them I suppose but there are no middle class jobs in that.
The thing that makes me mad is that the spongers, timewasters, talkers, meeting junkies and verbal diarrhoea monkeys would all get very cross and defensive if you told them that they were a bunch of sponging layabouts being kept in jobs by the tax paid by the smokers crowding round the hospital gates. Can’t we pay people just to stay at home reading the Guardian? At least that way there’d be no-one who took ‘industrialising behaviour change’ loose on the streets.
At some point in the not too distant I will have to find a new job and the people with the jobs could be these self-same NHS freaks. What am I going to do?
A thing called the ‘Yorkshire and the Humber Public Health Workforce Advisory Group’ (i.e. a bunch of people who go to meetings) have analysed this and developed a ‘multi-partner approach with human resources at the core’. All very heartwarming I’m sure though anyone who has ever worked in a large organisation will know the value of HR (i.e. none at all). But anyway, I digress…It says “Language like ‘industrialisation’ has been used to describe this imperative. What this means is a large introduction and embedding of systematic approaches to commissioning and provision of services to facilitate and enable lifestyle and behaviour change”. Even better, ‘a behaviour change workforce competence framework’ has been commissioned from Sheffield Hallam University. Now we all know that nobody speaks like this. We also know that no-one in their right mind can read this stuff. So are the people who produce this sort of language all freaks and weirdos? I suspect not. I suspect that they just learn to pretend that they understand this and that this kind of language is ‘academic’ and using it makes them somehow as clever as all the other people who can’t get an idea across without talking nonsense. We are of course paying for this stuff. I think its about telling people that things like smoking are bad for them. I think the idea is that the people at Sheffield Hallam University (that’s Sheffield Poly to you and me) will think of clever ‘industrialised’ ways of telling people that smoking is bad for them. You could just tell them I suppose but there are no middle class jobs in that.
The thing that makes me mad is that the spongers, timewasters, talkers, meeting junkies and verbal diarrhoea monkeys would all get very cross and defensive if you told them that they were a bunch of sponging layabouts being kept in jobs by the tax paid by the smokers crowding round the hospital gates. Can’t we pay people just to stay at home reading the Guardian? At least that way there’d be no-one who took ‘industrialising behaviour change’ loose on the streets.
At some point in the not too distant I will have to find a new job and the people with the jobs could be these self-same NHS freaks. What am I going to do?
Mums
Never have anything to do with 'Mums'. They have Mamma Mia parties and go to see that bloke who used to be in Wet Wet Wet in cabaret in Skegness. This cannot be forgiven. There really is a limit to how Liberal you can be. Lines must be drawn. Get off with an old punk or Goth. Even if they are a Mum...
The last CD I bought
The last CD I bought was (wait for it…) ABBA Gold! I should explain though that this is not one of my guilty pleasures (of which there are a few…) but a present for an 8 year old. Mind you, I did feel like Alan Partridge. But I still know that Mamma Mia is the worst film ever. I know this from the advert on the side of buses. Nothing else needs to be said. I will not be going to see it (actually, it was on a while ago wasn’t it?) and I will treat any man (or any straight man at least) who went to see it with ridicule and distain whatever the excuse.
On a similar subject, that song by the Pussycat Girls or whatever definitely has the words in it that the 8 year olds think it has, namely 'I wanna have boobies'. Search on t'internet and it'll say 'groupies'. Nah.
I do find it reassuring though to find that pop music that I've always thought was written for 8 year olds is actually consumed by 8 year olds.
On a similar subject, that song by the Pussycat Girls or whatever definitely has the words in it that the 8 year olds think it has, namely 'I wanna have boobies'. Search on t'internet and it'll say 'groupies'. Nah.
I do find it reassuring though to find that pop music that I've always thought was written for 8 year olds is actually consumed by 8 year olds.
Comfort Cameras
Wilkinson's (the cheap shop that's just like Woollies used to be but with no pick 'n' mix or music section) have a notice that says customers are being watched by CCTV for their 'comfort and safety'. Could I just ask in what way am I made more comfortable by their CCTV?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
History changes before your eyes
Funny how history changes quickly. Gordon Brown was in Iraq recently congratulating British troops on overthrowing a dictatorship etc. He didn’t bother to add ‘sorry about the weapons of mass destruction we previously said you’d come here for lads’. It’s a rum old world eh?
In another example, when Nelson Mandela visited Leeds a few years back he said that he was very pleased to be 'in Liverpool' and a lot of the rest of what he had to say was lost because the sound system wasn't working. This will not be mentioned in the official records. Not that the mistake was a big deal - 'old bloke says wrong word shock' is not news. Mind you, I'm glad I was there...
In another example, when Nelson Mandela visited Leeds a few years back he said that he was very pleased to be 'in Liverpool' and a lot of the rest of what he had to say was lost because the sound system wasn't working. This will not be mentioned in the official records. Not that the mistake was a big deal - 'old bloke says wrong word shock' is not news. Mind you, I'm glad I was there...
Terrorists
This is a bit out of date now but If Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his ‘four co-defendents’ 'masterminded the September 11th attacks' then what is it exactly that Osama Bin Laden is wanted for? Just thought I’d ask…
More recently people have been getting very cross on discovering that human rights apply to unpleasant people who support terrorism. No doubt the Nazis got very cross discovering that some people thought human rights should apply to Jews. Presumably we should have human rights for 'nice people' and people you don't like can be banged up without trial before being deported to be tortured by dodgy foreign regimes.
More recently people have been getting very cross on discovering that human rights apply to unpleasant people who support terrorism. No doubt the Nazis got very cross discovering that some people thought human rights should apply to Jews. Presumably we should have human rights for 'nice people' and people you don't like can be banged up without trial before being deported to be tortured by dodgy foreign regimes.
Killing your children
We took a massive bag of popcorn to the cinema – cost £1.18 from the supermarket. Loads between three. Another family at the same cinema bought popcorn at the cinema for their 3 kids. This will have cost them approximately 12 quid – Mind you, each carton of popcorn was the size of the child’s head. I wanted to ask the parents when they last ate a portion of food the size of their head and what they thought the chances were of their children doing so – and next time could I buy them a bag of popcorn enough for three and pocket the £11 change.
It’s also worth mentioning that every item on the menu was an utter shite concoction of fat and sugar and flavourings.
Then it’s over to a restaurant where the adult menu is quite varied and once again the kiddie menu is chips and fried orange things. This is supposedly what kids eat. Ours pinches bits of our food because she gets bored of fried orange stuff with no variety (and she’s not exactly a health nut it has to be said.
So, if anyone whines about being told what to do by ‘health people’ it’s a good idea to bear in mind that the real conspiracy is being perpetrated by the outlets and producers of orange coated fat and sugar balls. Go out to eat and you’re virtually forced to buy this stuff (or starve the kids I suppose). Thing is I don’t want to go to the sushi and muesli bar with the middle class people, I want to go mainstream – I just don’t want mainstream food to be shit.
Note to self – it’s a mistake to try giving money to these idiots. Stay at home.
It’s also worth mentioning that every item on the menu was an utter shite concoction of fat and sugar and flavourings.
Then it’s over to a restaurant where the adult menu is quite varied and once again the kiddie menu is chips and fried orange things. This is supposedly what kids eat. Ours pinches bits of our food because she gets bored of fried orange stuff with no variety (and she’s not exactly a health nut it has to be said.
So, if anyone whines about being told what to do by ‘health people’ it’s a good idea to bear in mind that the real conspiracy is being perpetrated by the outlets and producers of orange coated fat and sugar balls. Go out to eat and you’re virtually forced to buy this stuff (or starve the kids I suppose). Thing is I don’t want to go to the sushi and muesli bar with the middle class people, I want to go mainstream – I just don’t want mainstream food to be shit.
Note to self – it’s a mistake to try giving money to these idiots. Stay at home.
The limits of helpful advice 2
On the bus there was a conspiracy of silence over a wet seat. A woman got on, sat down and quickly sprang up again saying ‘urrghh, this seat is all wet’. When someone else got on and went to sit in the same seat everyone remained silent. The possible reasons for this (in my head at least) are:
1. We thought the first woman was probably a bit mad and there was nothing wrong with the seat
2. The seat wasn’t really wet but perhaps just felt a bit cold or something, so the woman wasn’t mad but mistaken
3. We all really wanted to see a stranger get a wet bottom
4. We were all too embarrassed to say ‘excuse me, but I wouldn’t sit there if I were you as a women who has just moved from there thought it was wet
5. No-one understood what the woman had said
6. No-one was confident that if they did say anything it would be understood as you never know what languages might be understood on the 49 (there are a lot of ‘em – languages, not number 49s)
7. Everyone was expecting someone else to say something
8. Everyone thought the woman who had moved should take responsibility for telling everyone the seat was wet.
As for myself, I go for 4, 6, 7 and 8. Someone else did sit on the seat and didn’t say or do anything to indicate that the seat was wet. After they got off I gave it a feel – it was really quite wet. I left a Metro on it. Least I could do.
I begin to understand how those stories of people being murdered in public with everyone watching without doing anything work.
1. We thought the first woman was probably a bit mad and there was nothing wrong with the seat
2. The seat wasn’t really wet but perhaps just felt a bit cold or something, so the woman wasn’t mad but mistaken
3. We all really wanted to see a stranger get a wet bottom
4. We were all too embarrassed to say ‘excuse me, but I wouldn’t sit there if I were you as a women who has just moved from there thought it was wet
5. No-one understood what the woman had said
6. No-one was confident that if they did say anything it would be understood as you never know what languages might be understood on the 49 (there are a lot of ‘em – languages, not number 49s)
7. Everyone was expecting someone else to say something
8. Everyone thought the woman who had moved should take responsibility for telling everyone the seat was wet.
As for myself, I go for 4, 6, 7 and 8. Someone else did sit on the seat and didn’t say or do anything to indicate that the seat was wet. After they got off I gave it a feel – it was really quite wet. I left a Metro on it. Least I could do.
I begin to understand how those stories of people being murdered in public with everyone watching without doing anything work.
More changing room behaviour
One thing I do like to see at the swimming pool is the unselfconsciousness of changing room behaviour on reaching a ‘certain age’. The older man with a 2 foot long scrubbing brush for doing his back for instance, the liberal use of odd smelling talc and the lack of embarrassment about nudity should be encouraged I reckon.
In contrast a younger man stood in the shower with his legs about 4 feet apart (actually his feet I suppose rather than his legs...) and proceeded to wash his private parts by swinging them backwards and forwards. This is not to be encouraged.
In contrast a younger man stood in the shower with his legs about 4 feet apart (actually his feet I suppose rather than his legs...) and proceeded to wash his private parts by swinging them backwards and forwards. This is not to be encouraged.
The limits of helpful advice 1
Post Christmas and I've been back to the swimming pool. Early morning too - I’ve been swimming with the pensioners. This is considerably cheaper than swimming with dolphins, though unlike dolphins you do have to share a changing room.
First thing is a piece of advice…blokes over 65 please note: Tiny tiny tight trunks seldom look good on anyone… I also note the limits of my cheerful helpfulness (see also the bus seat story).
I was faced with an uncomfortable dilemma. Thing is, what can one say to an older gentleman drying himself in the changing room? How does one broach the subject of the soapy scrotum? The poorly rinsed foamy scrotum isn’t an easy subject to broach. Can you say ‘Excuse me mate, I wouldn’t put your pants on just yet as I’m pretty sure the back of your scrotum could do with a rinse, it’s still really soapy – might get a bit itchy later’? Maybe this man, being an older gentleman, would have seen enough of the world to not worry about this. But which way would he call it? Would he say ‘cheers mate, thanks for telling me, there’s not that many blokes who would be brave enough to mention a soapy scrotum to a stranger, you’ve really saved me a lot of uncomfortableness there’ or perhaps ‘thanks for mentioning it, but the thing is that dried soap suds protect it from drying out’. He might even have a young friend with a big cane inspecting his private parts post-swim as part of a kinky sex game. He may be embarrassed and give it a rinse and thereby lose his kinky punishment.
Of course I shall never know as I didn’t have the balls (or scrotum?) to say anything. What a wimp.
First thing is a piece of advice…blokes over 65 please note: Tiny tiny tight trunks seldom look good on anyone… I also note the limits of my cheerful helpfulness (see also the bus seat story).
I was faced with an uncomfortable dilemma. Thing is, what can one say to an older gentleman drying himself in the changing room? How does one broach the subject of the soapy scrotum? The poorly rinsed foamy scrotum isn’t an easy subject to broach. Can you say ‘Excuse me mate, I wouldn’t put your pants on just yet as I’m pretty sure the back of your scrotum could do with a rinse, it’s still really soapy – might get a bit itchy later’? Maybe this man, being an older gentleman, would have seen enough of the world to not worry about this. But which way would he call it? Would he say ‘cheers mate, thanks for telling me, there’s not that many blokes who would be brave enough to mention a soapy scrotum to a stranger, you’ve really saved me a lot of uncomfortableness there’ or perhaps ‘thanks for mentioning it, but the thing is that dried soap suds protect it from drying out’. He might even have a young friend with a big cane inspecting his private parts post-swim as part of a kinky sex game. He may be embarrassed and give it a rinse and thereby lose his kinky punishment.
Of course I shall never know as I didn’t have the balls (or scrotum?) to say anything. What a wimp.
Please do not add a W
The following arrived through work. I offer it up without further comment. Certainly no thought of adding a ‘W’ anywhere at all.
This is publicity for a ‘Self-assessment workshop’ on ‘Community Builders and Community Anchors’. For those of you playing 'bullshit bingo' I have put some words in italics. There are a few!
I quote:
“Community anchors are independent community led organisations. They are multi purpose and provide holistic solutions to local problems and challenges, bringing out the best in people and agencies. They are there for the long term and are often the driving force in community renewal.
A series of workshops is being delivered throughout Yorkshire & the Humber in the months up to March. They are funded by the Regional Empowerment Partnership and delivered by members of the regional Community Alliance team to enable organisations to identify for themselves whether or not they are community anchors”.
So there you go kids. If you hear a gaggle of people whooping and hollering in the street they may have been given the thumbs up by the Community Alliance Team and be out on the piss celebrating.
I know the situation in Gaza has been bad recently, but can you imagine the grief and pain if the Regional Empowerment Partnership should one day stop empowering us? Doesn’t bear thinking about does it?
This is publicity for a ‘Self-assessment workshop’ on ‘Community Builders and Community Anchors’. For those of you playing 'bullshit bingo' I have put some words in italics. There are a few!
I quote:
“Community anchors are independent community led organisations. They are multi purpose and provide holistic solutions to local problems and challenges, bringing out the best in people and agencies. They are there for the long term and are often the driving force in community renewal.
A series of workshops is being delivered throughout Yorkshire & the Humber in the months up to March. They are funded by the Regional Empowerment Partnership and delivered by members of the regional Community Alliance team to enable organisations to identify for themselves whether or not they are community anchors”.
So there you go kids. If you hear a gaggle of people whooping and hollering in the street they may have been given the thumbs up by the Community Alliance Team and be out on the piss celebrating.
I know the situation in Gaza has been bad recently, but can you imagine the grief and pain if the Regional Empowerment Partnership should one day stop empowering us? Doesn’t bear thinking about does it?
Friday, January 23, 2009
More prices
Thought we’d go to the pictures recently but as it was school holidays and coming up to Christmas we thought it’d be a good idea to book in advance. So I go to the ‘myvue’ website and follow the links.
Now at the cinema itself they pay someone to take money, so you might assume that they would pay someone to take a card payment on-line (not even a credit card, just a debit card by the way). Or maybe they’ll give you a discount because they can just let the computer take the payment. Or the fatheads can wind you up by trying to charge extra for saving their time and using up yours instead. £1.80 extra to be precise!
So, having decided that I do not give companies extra money simply to save them time (and money - the tickets are expensive enough) I thought I'd phone instead. Luckily they have a telephone number on the website. I’m a bit suspicious that it might be an expensive phone number but I call anyway. I eventually get through to a real person (result!). They ask me if I’ve thought of booking on-line. I say I have but I was put off by the £1.80 charge. I give them all the details of the film and the time its on etc. and they tell me how much it’s going to cost.
It sounds a lot so I say 'that sounds a lot is that right'? They then have some news for me – it’s going to cost £2.70 extra for them to sell me 3 tickets over the phone. I rapidly end the conversation ('I'm afraid I'm going to have to put the phone down now'). I add myvue and their stupid name to my hate list.
Why is it that any businesses connected with ‘entertainment’ think they can simply add money to the bill just for selling you stuff (yes, I am thinking of the infamous 'booking fee'). You wouldn’t take a Mars bar to a shop counter and expect the shop to charge you 50p for the Mars bar and another 10p for selling it to you, so why do myvue do it? To extort more money from you for the already overpriced tickets of course. However, due to ‘free market economics’ (the system that stifles competition) myvue have a virtual monopoly on cinemas in Leeds so its not easy to just go somewhere else.
Could I also just mention their automated phone system which can’t differentiate between their two cinemas in Leeds. They obviously have some sort of voice recognition software. 'Leeds the Light' and 'Leeds Kirkstall' obviously sound the same to it.
So, I suggest avoiding 'myvue' and their stupid name if at all possible.
Now at the cinema itself they pay someone to take money, so you might assume that they would pay someone to take a card payment on-line (not even a credit card, just a debit card by the way). Or maybe they’ll give you a discount because they can just let the computer take the payment. Or the fatheads can wind you up by trying to charge extra for saving their time and using up yours instead. £1.80 extra to be precise!
So, having decided that I do not give companies extra money simply to save them time (and money - the tickets are expensive enough) I thought I'd phone instead. Luckily they have a telephone number on the website. I’m a bit suspicious that it might be an expensive phone number but I call anyway. I eventually get through to a real person (result!). They ask me if I’ve thought of booking on-line. I say I have but I was put off by the £1.80 charge. I give them all the details of the film and the time its on etc. and they tell me how much it’s going to cost.
It sounds a lot so I say 'that sounds a lot is that right'? They then have some news for me – it’s going to cost £2.70 extra for them to sell me 3 tickets over the phone. I rapidly end the conversation ('I'm afraid I'm going to have to put the phone down now'). I add myvue and their stupid name to my hate list.
Why is it that any businesses connected with ‘entertainment’ think they can simply add money to the bill just for selling you stuff (yes, I am thinking of the infamous 'booking fee'). You wouldn’t take a Mars bar to a shop counter and expect the shop to charge you 50p for the Mars bar and another 10p for selling it to you, so why do myvue do it? To extort more money from you for the already overpriced tickets of course. However, due to ‘free market economics’ (the system that stifles competition) myvue have a virtual monopoly on cinemas in Leeds so its not easy to just go somewhere else.
Could I also just mention their automated phone system which can’t differentiate between their two cinemas in Leeds. They obviously have some sort of voice recognition software. 'Leeds the Light' and 'Leeds Kirkstall' obviously sound the same to it.
So, I suggest avoiding 'myvue' and their stupid name if at all possible.
Even He's at it!
I watched the Barack Obama inauguration speech (in bits) on youtube. The comments people leave. Oh dear - Illiterate weirdness that you’d scarcely believe. Not particularly racist or whatever, just weird. And badly miss-spelled. Like most liberal pinko nancies I actually feel that the world grew up a bit by electing him. In fact someone called it a ‘man on the moon moment’ – when America did something for itself that was probably at least as significant for the world as a whole. So there. Let’s have a moment of positivity or positiveness or whatever the word would be to us illiterates.
Having said that, I then I had an argument about whether he used an autocue (I’m pretty sure he did) and whether the speech was written by a speechwriter (I think it was). Oddly enough I take this as just reality rather than just a cheat. So there - again. Then he ordered the closure of secret ‘interrogation centres’. They can’t have been that secret I suppose. Governments do get away with a staggering amount of hypocrisy though don't they? - lecturing the Chinese or whoever on 'human rights abuses'. What is this thing that governments do that normal people wouldn't dream of doing? Politicians are disfunctional weirdos I suppose - but so are proper rock stars and they're great!
Having said that, I then I had an argument about whether he used an autocue (I’m pretty sure he did) and whether the speech was written by a speechwriter (I think it was). Oddly enough I take this as just reality rather than just a cheat. So there - again. Then he ordered the closure of secret ‘interrogation centres’. They can’t have been that secret I suppose. Governments do get away with a staggering amount of hypocrisy though don't they? - lecturing the Chinese or whoever on 'human rights abuses'. What is this thing that governments do that normal people wouldn't dream of doing? Politicians are disfunctional weirdos I suppose - but so are proper rock stars and they're great!
Rapping Wrapping
There are a couple of birthdays coming up. I went into a card shop. I bought 2 cards (folded pieces of thick paper with some printing on. £2.79 each) and thought I’d buy some wrapping paper. So how much does a piece of coloured silvery paper about 2 feet square cost? £1.25! That’s one pound and 25 pence. What is the maximum I would pay I wonder? I reckon 20p would be OK though 30-35p might do. If pushed and it was really important and I’d run out of time then I might pay 60-70p. This would really piss me off though. However, I’ll rather see Clinton Cards and their unfriendly staff burn in rip-off Hell before I’ll give them £1.25 for a small piece of pink shiny paper.
So if you get a package from me covered with Izal medicated you'll know why. Or I might go down the market.
There's a chocolate shop in town 'the Chocolate Dog Hotel' or something - could be 'otel de Chien chocolate' or something. I think they're in league with 'Lush' across the road. Both cater for the same sort of customers I suspect. The sort of people who can be conned into thinking that packaging and / or an 'original name' makes it worth spending a benefit claimant's weekly subsistence money on a few choccies - or more bizarrely some bits of soap made to smell and look like choccies. In fact everything in lush is designed to look like you can eat it - but it's actually for washing the sweat out of your pubes. Or perhaps my use of soap for kind of like, 'keeping clean' is dreadfully old fashioned. Roll on a big recession eh?! Toodle pip...
So if you get a package from me covered with Izal medicated you'll know why. Or I might go down the market.
There's a chocolate shop in town 'the Chocolate Dog Hotel' or something - could be 'otel de Chien chocolate' or something. I think they're in league with 'Lush' across the road. Both cater for the same sort of customers I suspect. The sort of people who can be conned into thinking that packaging and / or an 'original name' makes it worth spending a benefit claimant's weekly subsistence money on a few choccies - or more bizarrely some bits of soap made to smell and look like choccies. In fact everything in lush is designed to look like you can eat it - but it's actually for washing the sweat out of your pubes. Or perhaps my use of soap for kind of like, 'keeping clean' is dreadfully old fashioned. Roll on a big recession eh?! Toodle pip...
Note to drivers of the number 88 bus
Dear number 88 bus drivers in Leeds, please note the following:
Those little red window-ey house things at the side of the road with a little pole next to them are bus shelters. This is where buses stop to pick up passengers. The bus is the thing you're paid to drive. If you see a person holding their arm out into the road as you drive past, this is likely to be someone who wants to 'catch' the bus. That means that that person or 'passenger' wants to get on the bus. They are also known as 'the poor sod who pays your fucking wages'.
Please also note that different buses have different 'routes'. That means they drive along different roads in a different order. This in turn means that even if there's a bus already at the stop you're passing, not everyone standing there waving their arms at you will want to get on the bus that's at the stop already. They may wish to get on the bus you're driving. If it looks like they're waving at you they may really be waving at you - yes you! Driving the bus. They may want you to stop the bus you're driving so they can get on it or 'catch' your bus. It may even be that your bus only runs once every half an hour. This means that if you ignore the people at the stop and carry on driving past the stop quite fast they'll think you're a FUCKING MORON BUS DRIVER WHO'S TOO STUPID OR JUST TOO MUCH OF A BASTARD TO STOP AND PICK PEOPLE UP!!!
Those little red window-ey house things at the side of the road with a little pole next to them are bus shelters. This is where buses stop to pick up passengers. The bus is the thing you're paid to drive. If you see a person holding their arm out into the road as you drive past, this is likely to be someone who wants to 'catch' the bus. That means that that person or 'passenger' wants to get on the bus. They are also known as 'the poor sod who pays your fucking wages'.
Please also note that different buses have different 'routes'. That means they drive along different roads in a different order. This in turn means that even if there's a bus already at the stop you're passing, not everyone standing there waving their arms at you will want to get on the bus that's at the stop already. They may wish to get on the bus you're driving. If it looks like they're waving at you they may really be waving at you - yes you! Driving the bus. They may want you to stop the bus you're driving so they can get on it or 'catch' your bus. It may even be that your bus only runs once every half an hour. This means that if you ignore the people at the stop and carry on driving past the stop quite fast they'll think you're a FUCKING MORON BUS DRIVER WHO'S TOO STUPID OR JUST TOO MUCH OF A BASTARD TO STOP AND PICK PEOPLE UP!!!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I love you, you love me
I saw Barney the big purple gay dinosaur! At Butlins! In a show! For free! (apart from the £400 for the weekend) OK, now you may think it was just some poor sap in a suit dancing around to some horrible corporate trademarked to death tape, but I still say I SAW BARNEY THE DINOSAUR! And he's as shit in real life as he is on the telly. So there.
Mind you, Chico from X Factor was on too. No idea who he is but he said that he's played Wembley and all kinds of places but Bognor was his favourite. Course it is. Panto in Skeggie next year then £200 from Chat magazine in a couple of years for a confessional piece about his boob job and alcoholism. Then back to the panel beating or whatever. Makes me feel quite famous.
And there was a panto too. Oh no there wasn't. No, really there was.
There were also shows involving redcoats. You could catch one while walking past in the morning at 10am and find the same people still on stage at 8pm when you walked past again. I wonder whether being a redcoat helps your CV for your big career as a kids TV presenter on cable having photos taken in your pants for lads mags?
Mind you, Chico from X Factor was on too. No idea who he is but he said that he's played Wembley and all kinds of places but Bognor was his favourite. Course it is. Panto in Skeggie next year then £200 from Chat magazine in a couple of years for a confessional piece about his boob job and alcoholism. Then back to the panel beating or whatever. Makes me feel quite famous.
And there was a panto too. Oh no there wasn't. No, really there was.
There were also shows involving redcoats. You could catch one while walking past in the morning at 10am and find the same people still on stage at 8pm when you walked past again. I wonder whether being a redcoat helps your CV for your big career as a kids TV presenter on cable having photos taken in your pants for lads mags?
A money making machine
Butlins (in Bognor, though I guess its the same everywhere) has a big top like tent affair that you can see for miles around. In this is a massive money making machine. Every ten paces is an opportunity to spend. So, buy a hot chocolate and marshmallows before paying £4 to have your face painted, another three to have your photo taken in a booth before going on the bandits on the way to the bowling just past Burger King (I fondly hope there's a Muslim dress shop for women called Burkha King but I suspect that's wishful thinking). There's the sweetshop (and 100% of the items on sale are 100% sugar apart from the colouring) and the pool tables and the bar and Costa Coffee (the only one I've been to where they give you milk in those little containers which I found out relatively recently are called 'jiggers's, a piece of information I'm still not sure whether to quite believe). They have a toy shop a 'designer outlet' (another modern euphamism for shop, 'store' being the one I hate most for being the most often used) and even a recording studio - record your own Karaoke nightmare from £35.
Oh, and you can pay £8 to have your photo taken with an animatronic polar bear. But you'd guessed that too I guess.
Oh, and you can pay £8 to have your photo taken with an animatronic polar bear. But you'd guessed that too I guess.
Velcome to Butlitz
I was upset by several things at Butlins in Bognor as those of you who know me may have guessed. First up was the security tag. Yup, that's right, when you check in you are issued with a wrist band which you are expected to put on and not take off for the duration of your stay. When you do take it off it has to be cut off with scissors. This is, of course, for 'security reasons'. What they actually mean is that they want to spot people sneaking in for free gos on the merry go round that comes with the ironically titled £70 'freedom pass'. Shades of the ID card of course. There is a difference in that no-one is forced to stay at Butlins (except the spineless types like me) and the tag doesn't seem to have any electronics in it. Still a bit weird though, tagging your customers.
I also noticed that they say that Redcoats are specifically chosen for their 'sunny personalities' (or, as I interpret it, 'we only employ halfwits'). Slightly annoyingly by the end of a few days I felt I'd mellowed. The staff actually seemed keen to help and friendly, loathe as I am to admit it. There were also enought staff about and they seemed to have procedures to deal with things. And the hotel was good in lots of ways too. Expensive though - and you wouldn't believe how full the place was.
I also noticed that they say that Redcoats are specifically chosen for their 'sunny personalities' (or, as I interpret it, 'we only employ halfwits'). Slightly annoyingly by the end of a few days I felt I'd mellowed. The staff actually seemed keen to help and friendly, loathe as I am to admit it. There were also enought staff about and they seemed to have procedures to deal with things. And the hotel was good in lots of ways too. Expensive though - and you wouldn't believe how full the place was.
Bloody Bognor
I'd never been to Bognor Regis before. Turns out it has a shopping street almost identical to Castleford, Scunthorpe and well, you know, almost everywhere else. I thought it might be a bit different. Disappointed. Top model shop though. My growing urge for a train set was done no good at all.
Ghost of Christmas Presents?
Not that I want to be ungrateful or anything but do charity shops take unwanted presents with the wrapping paper still on?
And on the subject of Christmas, if anyone was wondering what international folk acoustic songer - singwriter stars do for Christmas the answer in this case was (you've probably already guessed)...visit to Romford followed by Butlins at Bognor. Always a treat to hear Christmas hits piped through all communal areas (including hotel corridors) at ice cream van fidelity. And great to hear non-original artists too. Much nicer to hear somebody pretending to be Wham than the original obviously...
And on the subject of Christmas, if anyone was wondering what international folk acoustic songer - singwriter stars do for Christmas the answer in this case was (you've probably already guessed)...visit to Romford followed by Butlins at Bognor. Always a treat to hear Christmas hits piped through all communal areas (including hotel corridors) at ice cream van fidelity. And great to hear non-original artists too. Much nicer to hear somebody pretending to be Wham than the original obviously...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Made it Ma - top of the world!
Well, who’d have thought? You can now get the Illegal Songs album by John Parkes from Tescos!
http://www.tesco.com/entertainment/product.aspx?R=831977
Just wait until I make the checkouts in your local Tescos Metro! You may have to kill me if I haven't killed myself.
http://www.tesco.com/entertainment/product.aspx?R=831977
Just wait until I make the checkouts in your local Tescos Metro! You may have to kill me if I haven't killed myself.
Shorts, scissors and a latex glove
Well, swimming bath changing room stories (or Locker Room Tales for American readers) have been a bit thin on the ground lately. So today comes as a refreshing change. Assuming ‘refreshing’ is the correct word. Which it isn’t.
Anyway, in the changing room I found myself stood next to a man in cotton boxer shorts who, I assumed was just getting dressed after swimming. He then proceeded to walk into the shower with the boxer shorts still on. I should add that there was no way that these could’ve been swimming trunks. Wrong design, material, everything. I had to use the shower next to him. Then, said shorts were dramatically stretched to allow washing 'front and back' while he was still wearing them. I think I’ve mentioned this before. ‘Just whip ‘em off lad’ I felt like saying, ‘no-one’s watching’. This would never do of course and isn’t true (i.e. people are watching, hence me relating this story). Mind you when the man’s son took off across the changing room heading for the lockers armed with a pair of scissors it was another unrelated man who intervened to say 'your little lad's just run off with some scissors' or words to that effect.
Eventually boxer shorts man left the shower. The moment he did so, another man stood immediately next to me on the other side wearing a latex glove on one hand. Thus is provided almost a text-book definition of the phrase 'faintly disturbing'.
Anyway, in the changing room I found myself stood next to a man in cotton boxer shorts who, I assumed was just getting dressed after swimming. He then proceeded to walk into the shower with the boxer shorts still on. I should add that there was no way that these could’ve been swimming trunks. Wrong design, material, everything. I had to use the shower next to him. Then, said shorts were dramatically stretched to allow washing 'front and back' while he was still wearing them. I think I’ve mentioned this before. ‘Just whip ‘em off lad’ I felt like saying, ‘no-one’s watching’. This would never do of course and isn’t true (i.e. people are watching, hence me relating this story). Mind you when the man’s son took off across the changing room heading for the lockers armed with a pair of scissors it was another unrelated man who intervened to say 'your little lad's just run off with some scissors' or words to that effect.
Eventually boxer shorts man left the shower. The moment he did so, another man stood immediately next to me on the other side wearing a latex glove on one hand. Thus is provided almost a text-book definition of the phrase 'faintly disturbing'.
Back to the pool
I should have mentioned that along with the deodorant / body spray / shower gel (i.e. soap with water added at your expense) that smells of toffee pudding and popcorn and the like there’s also the sort that smells of mouthwash / toothpaste. I think we should all avoid both kinds.
However, on the subject of the advisability or otherwise of backing up to the shower and using the part of ones back between the shoulder blades to turn the shower on I’m not decided.
However, on the subject of the advisability or otherwise of backing up to the shower and using the part of ones back between the shoulder blades to turn the shower on I’m not decided.
Silly names for buildings
What is this thing with giving buildings silly names? ‘Government Office for Yorkshire and the Humber’ (in itself a silly name – what kind of river needs an office?) is based in a place called ‘Lateral’. I’ve seen it referred to as ‘the Lateral Building’. This sounds like someone who still has some sense of the use of language trying to make the best of a bad job. Its real name is however ‘Lateral’. This will date it at least as precisely as ‘Mafeking Terrace’ or whatever.
On Burley Road in Leeds (and I really am not making this up) you may find ‘Concept Place’ directly opposite ‘Opal One’. These are not of course abstract concepts somehow made concrete and plonked in the physical world but cheap blocks of student flats. They’re exactly like the 60s ones that everyone agrees were horrid. Actually, that’s not quite true because they have bits of funny shaped metal attached to them at regular intervals. They’re painted in lilac and green and have holes in (the metal bits that is). This makes them completely different to the 60s type blocks obviously. Mind you, the rust marks that have already appeared look broadly similar. If I live another 30 years I shall be able to say ‘I told you so’. Mind you, the whole of Leeds city centre is the same. Who’d have thought that the mistakes of the 60s and 70s would be digested in the 80s, demolished in the 90s and built again in the 2 thousands (no, I’m not going to say ‘noughties’ thank you).
Me, I’m off to live on Deep Space Nine.
On Burley Road in Leeds (and I really am not making this up) you may find ‘Concept Place’ directly opposite ‘Opal One’. These are not of course abstract concepts somehow made concrete and plonked in the physical world but cheap blocks of student flats. They’re exactly like the 60s ones that everyone agrees were horrid. Actually, that’s not quite true because they have bits of funny shaped metal attached to them at regular intervals. They’re painted in lilac and green and have holes in (the metal bits that is). This makes them completely different to the 60s type blocks obviously. Mind you, the rust marks that have already appeared look broadly similar. If I live another 30 years I shall be able to say ‘I told you so’. Mind you, the whole of Leeds city centre is the same. Who’d have thought that the mistakes of the 60s and 70s would be digested in the 80s, demolished in the 90s and built again in the 2 thousands (no, I’m not going to say ‘noughties’ thank you).
Me, I’m off to live on Deep Space Nine.
Shoes
I was made to go in a shoe shop today. I felt physically ill and had to leave. Couldn't get out of people's way fast enough. Not only were there too many people, but they were mostly the type of women who are especially interested in buying shoes. The ones with their brains removed. Who consequently not only like shopping but also shoes.
Then a bizarre twist - turns out that at least some of the women in the shop were actually the Ladyboys of Bangkok. They're here to do a show in Leeds it would seem. But how do I know these were the ladyboys out shoe shopping? That's an interesting question - one just knows these things...
Brains removed maybe, but not everything.
Then a bizarre twist - turns out that at least some of the women in the shop were actually the Ladyboys of Bangkok. They're here to do a show in Leeds it would seem. But how do I know these were the ladyboys out shoe shopping? That's an interesting question - one just knows these things...
Brains removed maybe, but not everything.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
X-scape to Cas-Vegas
Hey, I visited ‘X-Scape’ near Castleford for the first time last weekend. It turns out to mostly be a vision of hell on earth. Very like when you have to stop at a motorway services and it looks like there’s been some sort of major disaster and they’ve decided to feed everyone Burger King in a ‘retail destination’ – young girls with straggly hair in broken vibrating chairs, ‘amusements’ and arcade games and that sort of thing. Millions of people, a full car park that’s bigger than you could imagine and a list of retail chains straight out of the globalisation handbook of nightmares. There’s even a shop calling itself Adrenaline Addict or something. They sell t-shirts and anoraks. Didn’t do much for my adrenaline levels to be honest.
Next door there is an ‘outlet village’. This turns out to be a shopping street like everywhere else but with no actual town attached. And because everything is an ‘outlet’ rather than a ‘shop’ or even a ‘store’ people think it must be cheap or something.
I mean I know that people who have nothing to do with their lives go to these places looking for meaning or ‘stocking fillers’ or ‘bits and pieces for the lounge’ or whatever but what I found difficult to cope with was the number of blokes who seemed to be there not under duress. I can do about 30 seconds in any given shop and a bit more if I have to queue for whatever it its but there’s all these people wandering around looking like they’re reasonably happy. What has gone wrong with the world?
However, I am not immune. X-Scape has a climbing wall and the ‘outlet village’ has a Cadburys chocolate shop where you can get piles of orange flavour Fry’s Chocolate Cream. So now I don’t hate it so much – darn! Mind you, it was the first sunny day for 3 months so maybe that was it. There's still far too much shopping goes on though. Do I want people to race pigeons and do the garden? Actually, yes. Maybe. Anything but shopping.
Next door there is an ‘outlet village’. This turns out to be a shopping street like everywhere else but with no actual town attached. And because everything is an ‘outlet’ rather than a ‘shop’ or even a ‘store’ people think it must be cheap or something.
I mean I know that people who have nothing to do with their lives go to these places looking for meaning or ‘stocking fillers’ or ‘bits and pieces for the lounge’ or whatever but what I found difficult to cope with was the number of blokes who seemed to be there not under duress. I can do about 30 seconds in any given shop and a bit more if I have to queue for whatever it its but there’s all these people wandering around looking like they’re reasonably happy. What has gone wrong with the world?
However, I am not immune. X-Scape has a climbing wall and the ‘outlet village’ has a Cadburys chocolate shop where you can get piles of orange flavour Fry’s Chocolate Cream. So now I don’t hate it so much – darn! Mind you, it was the first sunny day for 3 months so maybe that was it. There's still far too much shopping goes on though. Do I want people to race pigeons and do the garden? Actually, yes. Maybe. Anything but shopping.
Harry and Paul
It genuinely disturbs me that people I know don't seem to get the new Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse show. OK the hit rate is a bit lower than some things have been in the past - but 2 thirds of it is brilliant - and people I know aren't watching it because they don't 'get it'. What's the matter with them? No accounting for taste I suppose...
Closing Pools
Leeds City Council have a ‘Vision for Investment’. Course they have. They have a ‘Vision’ for everything of course. The ‘Vision for cutting stuff back and knocking things down’ hasn’t had much publicity yet, but they have produced a questionnaire about swimming pools and sports facilities. They complain that they’re spending too much money on local sports facilities. They seem to think that knocking them down and building big ones would be a much better idea, and in some fantasy accountancy world this might save them money. They’re trying to get people to agree to this by ‘consulting’ them.
You don’t actually get to say ‘spend the money on swimming pools and screw the old people’ of course but you do get to say that they should spend the money on pools and ‘cut other services’. Then they can come along later and ask if you’d like to take the food out of the mouths of the pensioners or the disabled kiddies so they can keep your local pool open. They also pretty much admit that their facilities aren’t much cop, so you get to say that you want ‘excellent’ facilities if you want. They can then say the only way of doing this is to give all your money to a big private sector corporation to build the crappy pools of 20 years time. The Victorians of course managed to build pools that lasted for 100 years (and beyond that if they were looked after). We’re lucky to get 15 years these days before new buildings crumble and rust away.
Leeds is supposed to be a ‘successful’ city. That just seems to mean that millions of office blocks fit to be demolished in 15 years time have been built and left empty. You might think that it would mean that Leeds City Council could find a few quid to keep its swimming pools open wouldn’t you? They closed the big one in town of course. That was a year ago now. Have they built anything on the site? Nope. Have they demolished it? Nope. Did they get some money for the land? I bloody hope so. Mind you, Roundhay Park didn't have a cafe for about 3 years while the Council faffed about.
And come to think of it, where's the tram down our road that we were going to have to wait until 2007 for? Actually, that was the government. Banks not trams! Funnily enough I haven't seen that on any placards.
You don’t actually get to say ‘spend the money on swimming pools and screw the old people’ of course but you do get to say that they should spend the money on pools and ‘cut other services’. Then they can come along later and ask if you’d like to take the food out of the mouths of the pensioners or the disabled kiddies so they can keep your local pool open. They also pretty much admit that their facilities aren’t much cop, so you get to say that you want ‘excellent’ facilities if you want. They can then say the only way of doing this is to give all your money to a big private sector corporation to build the crappy pools of 20 years time. The Victorians of course managed to build pools that lasted for 100 years (and beyond that if they were looked after). We’re lucky to get 15 years these days before new buildings crumble and rust away.
Leeds is supposed to be a ‘successful’ city. That just seems to mean that millions of office blocks fit to be demolished in 15 years time have been built and left empty. You might think that it would mean that Leeds City Council could find a few quid to keep its swimming pools open wouldn’t you? They closed the big one in town of course. That was a year ago now. Have they built anything on the site? Nope. Have they demolished it? Nope. Did they get some money for the land? I bloody hope so. Mind you, Roundhay Park didn't have a cafe for about 3 years while the Council faffed about.
And come to think of it, where's the tram down our road that we were going to have to wait until 2007 for? Actually, that was the government. Banks not trams! Funnily enough I haven't seen that on any placards.
When gigs go wrong
This is just me moaning about how rubbish it can be being the king of acoustic protest and the rest…
You get in touch with someone via t’internet or myspace or whatever about a gig. They like you and they suggest some dates and you accept one, taking on board all the stuff there might be about playing on unsuitable days of the week with unsuitable fellow performers and often not getting paid and anything else that generally isn’t ideal. You bounce some emails and / or messages back and forth to confirm the date, you email your mailing list, put the details on myspace, update the website, send a message out on Facebook, get the press person on to it and book trains and lifts and buses and stay-overs - and generally badger people you know weeks in advance to try and get people to go to the gig and gets lots of publicity. You re-arrange things and generally put out family and friends and put off other stuff that needs doing. You then start rehearsing songs that you don’t tend to play every day because it’d just get boring. You get a new flyer together to advertise yourself and work out where all the stuff you need for the gig is going to be. You print stuff out and copy things. You ask favours. Often you try to fit other gigs in at around the same time (see the process above). Some of this is months in advance but sometimes just a few days before the gig.
Then, at some point not long before the gig when there’s nothing left to do but turn up and play you get a message saying it’s off or it’s postponed. To be fair this is very often not the fault of the person who organises their local acoustic night. It’s the pub chain deciding on re-development or more likely some other smaller re-arrangement the pub has decided to do. Or they could be making it up and its just an excuse. Whatever, the gig is off.
So, then you find the instructions again and update the website. Update the myspace. Send out another email to the mailing list. Do the Facebook thing again. Apologise to the PR man (who you’ve promised to pay anyway), take the losses on non refundable tickets and accommodation after trawling through the websites again to try to claim refunds - or apologise to friends who’ve put themselves out to fit around your plans.
But, hey…good news! The organiser really does like you and has an alternative date. Time to change the website, add the new gig to myspace and make sure everyone knows and…and don't forget those other gigs in the area...
…and this is why it’s often so much easier not to bother. Why don’t I just play in the bedroom or just around Leeds? I dunno. Maybe it’s my massive ego and I deserve no better. Maybe I’m just an idiot. Maybe things are just too difficult. Maybe I should just carry on doing it and realise that this doesn’t happen for every gig. Sometimes though it’s enough to bring on my morose melancholy mood for days on end. Or maybe I just need caffeine again.
You get in touch with someone via t’internet or myspace or whatever about a gig. They like you and they suggest some dates and you accept one, taking on board all the stuff there might be about playing on unsuitable days of the week with unsuitable fellow performers and often not getting paid and anything else that generally isn’t ideal. You bounce some emails and / or messages back and forth to confirm the date, you email your mailing list, put the details on myspace, update the website, send a message out on Facebook, get the press person on to it and book trains and lifts and buses and stay-overs - and generally badger people you know weeks in advance to try and get people to go to the gig and gets lots of publicity. You re-arrange things and generally put out family and friends and put off other stuff that needs doing. You then start rehearsing songs that you don’t tend to play every day because it’d just get boring. You get a new flyer together to advertise yourself and work out where all the stuff you need for the gig is going to be. You print stuff out and copy things. You ask favours. Often you try to fit other gigs in at around the same time (see the process above). Some of this is months in advance but sometimes just a few days before the gig.
Then, at some point not long before the gig when there’s nothing left to do but turn up and play you get a message saying it’s off or it’s postponed. To be fair this is very often not the fault of the person who organises their local acoustic night. It’s the pub chain deciding on re-development or more likely some other smaller re-arrangement the pub has decided to do. Or they could be making it up and its just an excuse. Whatever, the gig is off.
So, then you find the instructions again and update the website. Update the myspace. Send out another email to the mailing list. Do the Facebook thing again. Apologise to the PR man (who you’ve promised to pay anyway), take the losses on non refundable tickets and accommodation after trawling through the websites again to try to claim refunds - or apologise to friends who’ve put themselves out to fit around your plans.
But, hey…good news! The organiser really does like you and has an alternative date. Time to change the website, add the new gig to myspace and make sure everyone knows and…and don't forget those other gigs in the area...
…and this is why it’s often so much easier not to bother. Why don’t I just play in the bedroom or just around Leeds? I dunno. Maybe it’s my massive ego and I deserve no better. Maybe I’m just an idiot. Maybe things are just too difficult. Maybe I should just carry on doing it and realise that this doesn’t happen for every gig. Sometimes though it’s enough to bring on my morose melancholy mood for days on end. Or maybe I just need caffeine again.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Things that work sir? Whatever can you mean?
I’m pleased to say that my prejudices have been roundly reinforced with regard to cheap shite again. I actually used the car foot pump the other day and managed to pump up 1 and a half child’s bike tyres before the stupid thing stopped working completely. And a bit fell off.
That’ll be twice I’ve used it then. Twice. Yup, that’s about right. But how about I pay more for something that ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKS! I’d like to buy things that work please. Is that too much to ask. I don’t mind paying. But I want things to WORK!
Can I please buy something that works please? more than twice?
That’ll be twice I’ve used it then. Twice. Yup, that’s about right. But how about I pay more for something that ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKS! I’d like to buy things that work please. Is that too much to ask. I don’t mind paying. But I want things to WORK!
Can I please buy something that works please? more than twice?
What does the price cost then?
Why isn’t the price you pay the price you pay any more? Why do people who use certain buzz phrases to the call centre staff get stuff cheaper? And how come people can charge you more for stuff (and add extra ‘services’) without telling you or consulting you? Why do I pay one price only until I ring up to find that they can actually remove the 'upgrade' I didn't ask for and they didn't tell me about?
Why can't they just tell you what they charge so I can decide to pay or tell them to go fuck themselves?
Why can't they just tell you what they charge so I can decide to pay or tell them to go fuck themselves?
Cunsumer madness
Tescos sell a small chocolate cake for about £1.55. Worth just under half that as usual I’d say. It’s about 5 inches across and 3 inches deep. I bought one and cut it in to three pieces (for three people) though if I'd stretched it to 4 I guess no-one would’ve complained.
So, guess how many people it says the cake ‘serves’ on the packet? The answer is 8. If it were 8 ‘fucking midgets’ at least they’d give us a laugh and we’d know they were taking the piss. But presumably they mean 8 normal sized people with normal appetites. To be fair they do a bit less of this than they used to. I complained to the C0-op once over a box of cereal - 'at least 15 servings!' they said on the packet. That meant 6 cereal bowls full. Obviously.
So, guess how many people it says the cake ‘serves’ on the packet? The answer is 8. If it were 8 ‘fucking midgets’ at least they’d give us a laugh and we’d know they were taking the piss. But presumably they mean 8 normal sized people with normal appetites. To be fair they do a bit less of this than they used to. I complained to the C0-op once over a box of cereal - 'at least 15 servings!' they said on the packet. That meant 6 cereal bowls full. Obviously.
There they go - lying again!
Financial institutions are lying to me again. This time it’s the Yorkshire Building Society.
They currently have a branch in East Parade in Leeds and one on Briggate. They’re closing the East Parade branch. So, the message is quite simple really, they’re closing a branch. Presumably this is to save money. However, the subject of the letter they've just sent me is ‘We’re moving’. They’re not moving. This is a lie.
They are moving some accounts from the branch they’re closing to the one that’s still open - but they’re not moving in the 'geographical location' sense of the word which I, and so I'm led to believe, most of the English speaking world use. If I told you I was ‘moving’ but then later explained that this didn’t mean I was moving house but actually meant ‘I’m moving my position on the war in Iraq slightly’ you’d think I was mad – and quite right too. Why can’t they just be honest? Moving implies motion from one place for another. Closing a branch does not constitute 'moving' - moving out of existence I suppose...
They currently have a branch in East Parade in Leeds and one on Briggate. They’re closing the East Parade branch. So, the message is quite simple really, they’re closing a branch. Presumably this is to save money. However, the subject of the letter they've just sent me is ‘We’re moving’. They’re not moving. This is a lie.
They are moving some accounts from the branch they’re closing to the one that’s still open - but they’re not moving in the 'geographical location' sense of the word which I, and so I'm led to believe, most of the English speaking world use. If I told you I was ‘moving’ but then later explained that this didn’t mean I was moving house but actually meant ‘I’m moving my position on the war in Iraq slightly’ you’d think I was mad – and quite right too. Why can’t they just be honest? Moving implies motion from one place for another. Closing a branch does not constitute 'moving' - moving out of existence I suppose...
Toast-rack
You might imagine that in today’s consumer led (ha ha!) society even I might be able to find a toast rack that worked wouldn’t you? I mean how difficult can it be to design a toast rack that can hold up a piece of toast? I’ve got 2 completely useless ones so far.
Number one is designed to look like a spring. It kind of holds toast upright – except when it just slips out sideways. Which it does. Often. The design also means that the toast rests on the table, dropping crumbs and picking up whatever sticky stuff might have been left on the surface.
Number 2 has a built in tray and firm upright slots and hold toast perfectly – provided the toast is no more than ¼ of an inch thick. If it’s more than that the toast jsut doesn't go in. It’s all welded together (the rack, not the toast) so you can’t stretch it or anything.
So, there you go. It would appear that toast rack designers don’t know the first thing about toast – which is odd because there’s not that much to bother yourself with re toast really is there?
So, that’s me in and out the kitchen fishing it out of the toaster for each slice then. But why? Do I have to put ‘toast-rack’ on my Christmas list once again only to expose another cretinous ‘designer’? Yes, I expect so…
Just in case you were wondering…no, I don’t want to just pile it on the plate thank you – it goes all soggy and wet. I’d like a toast-rack please. One that kind of, like, holds up toast and that...
Number one is designed to look like a spring. It kind of holds toast upright – except when it just slips out sideways. Which it does. Often. The design also means that the toast rests on the table, dropping crumbs and picking up whatever sticky stuff might have been left on the surface.
Number 2 has a built in tray and firm upright slots and hold toast perfectly – provided the toast is no more than ¼ of an inch thick. If it’s more than that the toast jsut doesn't go in. It’s all welded together (the rack, not the toast) so you can’t stretch it or anything.
So, there you go. It would appear that toast rack designers don’t know the first thing about toast – which is odd because there’s not that much to bother yourself with re toast really is there?
So, that’s me in and out the kitchen fishing it out of the toaster for each slice then. But why? Do I have to put ‘toast-rack’ on my Christmas list once again only to expose another cretinous ‘designer’? Yes, I expect so…
Just in case you were wondering…no, I don’t want to just pile it on the plate thank you – it goes all soggy and wet. I’d like a toast-rack please. One that kind of, like, holds up toast and that...
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Our Friends Electric
It’s strange how lives are measured out in cars. Our old van, the ‘new’ van, the Vauxhall Viva, the Vauxhall we didn’t have for more than a couple of weeks, the Chevette ('the Vauxhall Chevette is whatever you want it to beee'...), the much later Ford Orion, the Escort and now, well, the ‘new one’. For those of us who don’t do pets cars cut your life into chunks of memory. I wonder if this still works for those people who replace their car every couple of years?
This leads me into one of my ‘inappropriate technology’ rants too. I wonder if the Vauxhall Viva had any instructions in the handbook on locking the doors? Probably did but probably didn’t need it. Thing is that most people could figure out how to lock doors. You put the key in and turn. Well, the new car has no less than 17 pages of instructions about locking the damned car – and we still can’t work out why there’s one key without a bleepy pressy keypad thing which just sets off the alarm if you try to use it. 17 pages and we still can’t work out how to unlock the stupid car! Why?
And everything is automated and computerised so you can’t work out how to use it and it does things it thinks it should do that you don’t want it to do – so the windscreen wipers set themselves to the speed they think they should go at, one of them comes on on its own when you reverse whether you want it to or not, you can’t tell how much petrol you’ve got (or anything else) without the ignition switched on and if it all goes wrong you need a software engineer rather than a mechanic. Stop this madness!
Modern stuff does everything but no-one uses it properly because it does too much in a much too complicated way and no-one has the time to figure it all out. So people go for years without being able to use anything they’ve bought until they replace it with the next thing they don’t know how to use.
I got a new mobile phone (an antique by most people's standards of course) and the instruction book has 120 pages! And it's not got a blue wire video wapp enabled search camera either, it's just a phone. I guess button A and button B were a bit complicated but they had instructions written up in a few sentences. Not 120 pages. And directory enquiries was free of course. Before competition made the world so much better. And they were all made of wood. In Sheffield.
This leads me into one of my ‘inappropriate technology’ rants too. I wonder if the Vauxhall Viva had any instructions in the handbook on locking the doors? Probably did but probably didn’t need it. Thing is that most people could figure out how to lock doors. You put the key in and turn. Well, the new car has no less than 17 pages of instructions about locking the damned car – and we still can’t work out why there’s one key without a bleepy pressy keypad thing which just sets off the alarm if you try to use it. 17 pages and we still can’t work out how to unlock the stupid car! Why?
And everything is automated and computerised so you can’t work out how to use it and it does things it thinks it should do that you don’t want it to do – so the windscreen wipers set themselves to the speed they think they should go at, one of them comes on on its own when you reverse whether you want it to or not, you can’t tell how much petrol you’ve got (or anything else) without the ignition switched on and if it all goes wrong you need a software engineer rather than a mechanic. Stop this madness!
Modern stuff does everything but no-one uses it properly because it does too much in a much too complicated way and no-one has the time to figure it all out. So people go for years without being able to use anything they’ve bought until they replace it with the next thing they don’t know how to use.
I got a new mobile phone (an antique by most people's standards of course) and the instruction book has 120 pages! And it's not got a blue wire video wapp enabled search camera either, it's just a phone. I guess button A and button B were a bit complicated but they had instructions written up in a few sentences. Not 120 pages. And directory enquiries was free of course. Before competition made the world so much better. And they were all made of wood. In Sheffield.
MBV
Whole Sky Monitor are off to see My Bloody Valentine this weekend and good for us. Thing is that I just looked on ebay and you can get tickets really cheap. Nothing particularly wrong there but it does remind me of something depressing. That is that bands who re-form or those who have just been around for a long time never seem to get any new fans. They just play to a proportion of the old fans. When I've been to see gigs by people I like who have been going ages (Donovan, Melanie, the Magic Band, the Moody Blues - don't laugh, they are one of my guilty pleasures) nearly everyone has been old enough to have seen them 'first time around' and I'm the youngest there. What happened to people discovering what went before? Why aren' t 19 year olds watching the old (classic) farts before its too late? Hopefully they're out watching fantastic new bands. However, I suspect they're not. I have actually seen a few 'young people' at those gigs. Then I realise they're standing next to their Mum looking bored. Ho hum...
Walkman
I’m not going to tell you how long I've been listening to music but I’ve finally got a Walkman! Not a cassette walkman (I've dropped the capital for copyright reasons by the way) but a walkman all the same. It is I predicted it's just like having a walkman. Like a cassette walkman with a few tapes to hand – and a bit smaller. As I predicted. It’s an MP3 player. There's no leader tape but it does spend a lot of time 'creating database'.
Thing is that people like to tell you that things are revolutionary but generally they’re not. Like the walkman. It’s like a walkman really. Another example is the internet. For nearly all of us the internet is like a very big reference book (though probably not as reliable) combined with a phone to order stuff. DVDs are like videos - and so it goes on. Our lives are continually being ‘revolutionised’ and yet life still feels very much the same. Only with more traffic.
Weird thing is that in a world where you'd think everyone was scared of being happy-stabbed by their local hoods in yardie tops, people cut themselves off from surrounding sounds so they can't hear anyone sneaking up on them and I found it really weird listening to 'Animals' by Pink Floyd while crossing the road. On the other hand it was useful for recording an 'ident' for an internet radio station. Makes it a recording walkman nearly I guess. They were always really expensive.
Thing is that people like to tell you that things are revolutionary but generally they’re not. Like the walkman. It’s like a walkman really. Another example is the internet. For nearly all of us the internet is like a very big reference book (though probably not as reliable) combined with a phone to order stuff. DVDs are like videos - and so it goes on. Our lives are continually being ‘revolutionised’ and yet life still feels very much the same. Only with more traffic.
Weird thing is that in a world where you'd think everyone was scared of being happy-stabbed by their local hoods in yardie tops, people cut themselves off from surrounding sounds so they can't hear anyone sneaking up on them and I found it really weird listening to 'Animals' by Pink Floyd while crossing the road. On the other hand it was useful for recording an 'ident' for an internet radio station. Makes it a recording walkman nearly I guess. They were always really expensive.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
The Leeds Inclusive Learning Strategy
We received a leaflet via school yesterday. Seems to have been given to all parents. It claims to be ‘Information for patients and carers’ on the subject of the ‘Leeds Inclusive Learning Strategy’. It comes from Education Leeds. They’re pretty much the Council (except when they apply for grants…but that’s another story). What an ‘inclusive learning strategy’ might be I have no idea but let’s read on in the hope of finding out.
Well, they claim that their goal is a ‘world class inclusive education system for all children and young people in Leeds’. World class eh? But we still want to know what the Inclusive Learning Strategy is. I’m hoping they’ll explain what ‘inclusive learning’ is and how they plan to be world class at it. Well, it doesn’t say. What it does do is explain (and I use the word extremely loosely) the areas it covers. This includes ‘Promoting and developing inclusive practice and inclusive schools’. What might that mean? What is ‘inclusive practice‘? - and what does an ‘inclusive school’ look like? Another area covers ‘Developing how pupils access behaviour provision across the city’. Mm, not sure about the grammar for a start. Leaving that aside, what on earth can accessing behaviour provision be? What kind of behaviour can one ‘provide’ to a child?
Oh well, so their grammar isn’t very good, they haven’t defined what they mean and they use jargon. Let’s move on. In the section ‘What does LILS mean for your child?’ they explain that ‘Your child will have full access to school life’ (!) – ‘from the curriculum and teaching to out of school activities’. They don’t explain what partial access to school life is currently being provided and why children apparently don’t yet have ‘full access’ to teachers and the curriculum. Even better, ‘They will learn and go through school in a way which suits both them and you, their family.’ Can we get our child to go through school dressed as a pirate? How many alternative ways of going through school will be offered?...’I’m sorry headmaster but our Charlie is going through school in a way that suits Charlie but doesn’t suit his family or myself, 1 out of 3 is simply not good enough. I demand you change the way he goes through school immediately’…
Now we all know (or you haven’t been reading this blog!) that there are a whole group of people whose job is to have endless meetings with each other to come up with ways of stating good intentions and the bleedin’ obvious. These usually amount to saying ‘we think good stuff is better than bad stuff’ (don’t get me started on the Leeds Initiative’!) and all conceivable meaning is lost on the way. You end up with a leaflet (more often a big glossy brochure with thick card covers) containing ‘information’ which is actually completely free of information. In this case I think they’ve used relatively few words thinking that this might possibly make it easy to understand or be in plain English. In fact it’s little more than a random series of words. I guess (and it is just a guess) that it might be something to do with equal access to education, but who knows.
The final page says that you can contact a man from the ‘Pupil planning team’ (their lack of capitals) ‘if you need this document to be interpreted’. I am soooo tempted to write and ask to have it translated into English. If I could be bothered I’d write to Education Leeds and get really arsey as well as writing to the papers. The trouble is that this kind of toss is so prevalent that no-one can be bothered to fight it any more.
People will talk about ‘social cohesion’ and misunderstanding between cultures and the rest but it’s actually these white middle class overpaid 'educated' people that are the people I have nothing in common with and don’t understand. Why do they talk like this? And why do they think that anyone might be interested? I think we have to assume that this ‘Strategy’ in common with nearly all strategies has no application in the real world at all.
In the section ‘what we have done so far?’ (I think they meant ‘what have we done so far? i.e. a question that makes sense, or possibly ‘What we have done so far’ i.e. not a question) they say they’ve been ‘holding discussions to help people with a key interest in the project understand the LILS and get them involved’. A ‘key interest’?
Aw forget it, these people aren’t worth getting angry about. I just despair that so much money is spent on this stuff and the people who come up with it who presumably cry themselves to sleep at night realizing they’re wasting their deluded little lives – if only. I’m off to ‘write learning programmes to meet the needs of children and young people’.
Well, they claim that their goal is a ‘world class inclusive education system for all children and young people in Leeds’. World class eh? But we still want to know what the Inclusive Learning Strategy is. I’m hoping they’ll explain what ‘inclusive learning’ is and how they plan to be world class at it. Well, it doesn’t say. What it does do is explain (and I use the word extremely loosely) the areas it covers. This includes ‘Promoting and developing inclusive practice and inclusive schools’. What might that mean? What is ‘inclusive practice‘? - and what does an ‘inclusive school’ look like? Another area covers ‘Developing how pupils access behaviour provision across the city’. Mm, not sure about the grammar for a start. Leaving that aside, what on earth can accessing behaviour provision be? What kind of behaviour can one ‘provide’ to a child?
Oh well, so their grammar isn’t very good, they haven’t defined what they mean and they use jargon. Let’s move on. In the section ‘What does LILS mean for your child?’ they explain that ‘Your child will have full access to school life’ (!) – ‘from the curriculum and teaching to out of school activities’. They don’t explain what partial access to school life is currently being provided and why children apparently don’t yet have ‘full access’ to teachers and the curriculum. Even better, ‘They will learn and go through school in a way which suits both them and you, their family.’ Can we get our child to go through school dressed as a pirate? How many alternative ways of going through school will be offered?...’I’m sorry headmaster but our Charlie is going through school in a way that suits Charlie but doesn’t suit his family or myself, 1 out of 3 is simply not good enough. I demand you change the way he goes through school immediately’…
Now we all know (or you haven’t been reading this blog!) that there are a whole group of people whose job is to have endless meetings with each other to come up with ways of stating good intentions and the bleedin’ obvious. These usually amount to saying ‘we think good stuff is better than bad stuff’ (don’t get me started on the Leeds Initiative’!) and all conceivable meaning is lost on the way. You end up with a leaflet (more often a big glossy brochure with thick card covers) containing ‘information’ which is actually completely free of information. In this case I think they’ve used relatively few words thinking that this might possibly make it easy to understand or be in plain English. In fact it’s little more than a random series of words. I guess (and it is just a guess) that it might be something to do with equal access to education, but who knows.
The final page says that you can contact a man from the ‘Pupil planning team’ (their lack of capitals) ‘if you need this document to be interpreted’. I am soooo tempted to write and ask to have it translated into English. If I could be bothered I’d write to Education Leeds and get really arsey as well as writing to the papers. The trouble is that this kind of toss is so prevalent that no-one can be bothered to fight it any more.
People will talk about ‘social cohesion’ and misunderstanding between cultures and the rest but it’s actually these white middle class overpaid 'educated' people that are the people I have nothing in common with and don’t understand. Why do they talk like this? And why do they think that anyone might be interested? I think we have to assume that this ‘Strategy’ in common with nearly all strategies has no application in the real world at all.
In the section ‘what we have done so far?’ (I think they meant ‘what have we done so far? i.e. a question that makes sense, or possibly ‘What we have done so far’ i.e. not a question) they say they’ve been ‘holding discussions to help people with a key interest in the project understand the LILS and get them involved’. A ‘key interest’?
Aw forget it, these people aren’t worth getting angry about. I just despair that so much money is spent on this stuff and the people who come up with it who presumably cry themselves to sleep at night realizing they’re wasting their deluded little lives – if only. I’m off to ‘write learning programmes to meet the needs of children and young people’.
Designer Plumbing / Scrotum
I’m really sick of designer plumbing. Basically, I don’t know how to work any of the stuff. I mean the kind of thing you get at airports and hotels. Half the time I can’t work out whether to wash my hands or piss in it.
I want to know instantly whether something is soap or some sort of electric sensor or just a curly bit of chrome plated metal with no discernable use at all. I want to know which is the stuff to wipe my bum on and which for drying my hands. I’m not stupid but I don’t want to have to waste time and energy in a strange place figuring it all out. Most of all I want control. I want to be able to decide when the toilet flushes, whether I get hot water or cold (or the mixture of the two). The bald fact is that some designs actually work and the rest don’t. Have you ever used a tap that you press to turn on that didn’t power water out at 200psi followed by an abrupt stop? – or they just pour away for hours so they can’t possibly use any less water than a real actual normal tap.
I found a tap today in a disabled toilet (yeah I know, how can a toilet be disabled…) which has a widening stripe on it suggesting that the water would get colder the further it was turned on – so it’s a dribble of scalding water or a torrent of cold it would seem. What if someone wants a torrent of hot or a dribble of cold? And how do you know where the happy medium you want will be if you turn the tap on ‘a bit’ and loads of water gushes out? Actually, where are the people who want scalding hot or freezing cold water to wash their hands in? 'Caution hot water' means 'this water is too hot to wash your hands with, we thought you might like a cup of tea' or 'we're idiots'. Legionnaires disease is used as an excuse by the way (I'm not making this up).
The thing is don’t muck about with fancy designs that don’t work, and most of all don’t do it in airports and motorway service stations where people are not so likely to be regulars. And while we’re in the men's toilets, I don’t like that razor advert that suggests you shave your scrotum by showing 2 kiwi fruit, one having had its fur shaved off. Who wants to think about shaving their scrotum in a motorway service station for fucksakes? There’s coffee at £3 a bucket and the most expensive cakes in Christendom to think about. And ‘special offer’ breakfasts at only £8.99.
I want to know instantly whether something is soap or some sort of electric sensor or just a curly bit of chrome plated metal with no discernable use at all. I want to know which is the stuff to wipe my bum on and which for drying my hands. I’m not stupid but I don’t want to have to waste time and energy in a strange place figuring it all out. Most of all I want control. I want to be able to decide when the toilet flushes, whether I get hot water or cold (or the mixture of the two). The bald fact is that some designs actually work and the rest don’t. Have you ever used a tap that you press to turn on that didn’t power water out at 200psi followed by an abrupt stop? – or they just pour away for hours so they can’t possibly use any less water than a real actual normal tap.
I found a tap today in a disabled toilet (yeah I know, how can a toilet be disabled…) which has a widening stripe on it suggesting that the water would get colder the further it was turned on – so it’s a dribble of scalding water or a torrent of cold it would seem. What if someone wants a torrent of hot or a dribble of cold? And how do you know where the happy medium you want will be if you turn the tap on ‘a bit’ and loads of water gushes out? Actually, where are the people who want scalding hot or freezing cold water to wash their hands in? 'Caution hot water' means 'this water is too hot to wash your hands with, we thought you might like a cup of tea' or 'we're idiots'. Legionnaires disease is used as an excuse by the way (I'm not making this up).
The thing is don’t muck about with fancy designs that don’t work, and most of all don’t do it in airports and motorway service stations where people are not so likely to be regulars. And while we’re in the men's toilets, I don’t like that razor advert that suggests you shave your scrotum by showing 2 kiwi fruit, one having had its fur shaved off. Who wants to think about shaving their scrotum in a motorway service station for fucksakes? There’s coffee at £3 a bucket and the most expensive cakes in Christendom to think about. And ‘special offer’ breakfasts at only £8.99.
Sick cookery
I go down to the kitchen to discover a copy of ‘The Pooh Cook Book’ on the work surface.
I’m appalled - Are there no depths to which some people will not stoop?…
I’m appalled - Are there no depths to which some people will not stoop?…
Even more deeply in love with the insurance industry
I receive a personally addressed postcard from the insurance company (my favourite kind of people as you’ll know if you read this stuff). It says ‘We’ve missed you…and your home. We’d love to look after your home again – come back to Co-operative insurance and not only could you save money but we also offer a great range of benefits your current insurer may not.’
So, first of all, here’s another example of that fake advertising matey-ness I loathe so much. I’d hazard a guess (and this is just a guess mind) that they haven’t missed me and they don’t miss my ‘home’ (which I call my house). What with one thing and another, I hadn’t thought about them in ages, that’s for sure.
They say they want to ‘look after’ my home. So are they going to come round and watch for burglars, try the doors at night to check they’re locked and make sure the cooker is turned off – and perhaps run a sponge round the bath once in a while? A moot point. I’ll let you make up your own mind.
My third point is the one about ‘coming back ‘to them. Thing is I didn’t know I’d left. I thought they were taking money every month and were already ‘looking after’ my ‘home’. They have my address because I have a policy with them.
I rang them to ask, because previously the policy was cancelled by accident (ironically…) They wouldn’t talk to me at first. They assumed I was only the 'named driver' on a car insurance policy and not the policy holder so they couldn't talk to me. What!?
I’d started the call by reading out the first few lines of the card – all that ‘we’ve missed your home’ stuff. Obviously easy to confuse with ‘hi, I’m the named driver on a motor insurance policy’. So...after explaining that I wasn't asking about car insurance and that the named driver stuff was irrelevant they finally checked the house insurance and I am still paying.
They didn’t have a ready answer as to why they’d sent a card saying they want me back. It’s ‘advertising’ apparently and I should ignore it.
So, 'let’s have three cheers for matey bullshit, inaccuracy, not listening and of course for advertising. And this is the Co-op who I’m let to believe are a bit better than some. What can you do short of arson attacks?
So, first of all, here’s another example of that fake advertising matey-ness I loathe so much. I’d hazard a guess (and this is just a guess mind) that they haven’t missed me and they don’t miss my ‘home’ (which I call my house). What with one thing and another, I hadn’t thought about them in ages, that’s for sure.
They say they want to ‘look after’ my home. So are they going to come round and watch for burglars, try the doors at night to check they’re locked and make sure the cooker is turned off – and perhaps run a sponge round the bath once in a while? A moot point. I’ll let you make up your own mind.
My third point is the one about ‘coming back ‘to them. Thing is I didn’t know I’d left. I thought they were taking money every month and were already ‘looking after’ my ‘home’. They have my address because I have a policy with them.
I rang them to ask, because previously the policy was cancelled by accident (ironically…) They wouldn’t talk to me at first. They assumed I was only the 'named driver' on a car insurance policy and not the policy holder so they couldn't talk to me. What!?
I’d started the call by reading out the first few lines of the card – all that ‘we’ve missed your home’ stuff. Obviously easy to confuse with ‘hi, I’m the named driver on a motor insurance policy’. So...after explaining that I wasn't asking about car insurance and that the named driver stuff was irrelevant they finally checked the house insurance and I am still paying.
They didn’t have a ready answer as to why they’d sent a card saying they want me back. It’s ‘advertising’ apparently and I should ignore it.
So, 'let’s have three cheers for matey bullshit, inaccuracy, not listening and of course for advertising. And this is the Co-op who I’m let to believe are a bit better than some. What can you do short of arson attacks?
Choclate spread
Nutella chocolate spread (as you and I and the world call it - or ‘Hazelnut spread’ as it calls itself on the label) is ‘packed with over 50 hazelnuts, a glass of skimmed milk and a little cocoa’.
Wow, sounds like it's really healthy then? The ingredients, listed by volume or weight I assume, are: 1. Sugar. 2. Vegetable oil.
Yum. Hurray for marketing once more!
Wow, sounds like it's really healthy then? The ingredients, listed by volume or weight I assume, are: 1. Sugar. 2. Vegetable oil.
Yum. Hurray for marketing once more!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
'Journalists' possibly
Our journalist friends on the Metro paper (the free on the bus one) announce in a massive Iraq based headline ‘Girl of 8 used as suicide bomber’. Shocking stuff obviously. Then in paragraph 7 they let slip that the Americans ‘later gave the age of the girl as between 16 and 18’.
So following the same approach here's a couple of stories from me...
My mate Bob went out last weekend and ended up having sex with a 9 year old. Did I say 9? Sorry, I meant 18.
I had sex with a 100 year old woman. Did I say 100? No, actually she was 40. Something like that anyway. I was drinking 12 year old whiskey – or was it 6 months old?
Still, no point in spoiling a good headline eh?
Mind you, it wasn’t long ago that the Metro 'writer' was talking about ‘RAF jets’ bombing Germany in the 1940’s. Another interesting one…I expect they get paid more than me too.
Anyway, the point is that when reporting, details matter, accuracy matters. Don't let them get away with it!
So following the same approach here's a couple of stories from me...
My mate Bob went out last weekend and ended up having sex with a 9 year old. Did I say 9? Sorry, I meant 18.
I had sex with a 100 year old woman. Did I say 100? No, actually she was 40. Something like that anyway. I was drinking 12 year old whiskey – or was it 6 months old?
Still, no point in spoiling a good headline eh?
Mind you, it wasn’t long ago that the Metro 'writer' was talking about ‘RAF jets’ bombing Germany in the 1940’s. Another interesting one…I expect they get paid more than me too.
Anyway, the point is that when reporting, details matter, accuracy matters. Don't let them get away with it!
Net Nannies
I’ve been reminded of net nannies (I don't know why, I just have, OK?). While working for Leeds City Council it became clear that some emails were being ‘delayed’ so somebody somewhere could check them out ‘for content’. The net result (top pun there) was that my fellow band members and ‘top mates’ generally would send me emails containing individual specially selected rude words to see what would be allowed. They would then follow this up with messages such as “‘wanker’ got through here no problem, did you get my ‘twat’”? In addition to that, legitimate emails wouldn’t get though because they mentioned ‘sex’ or ‘drugs’ or whatever. Being connected to the Youth Service was always going to be good on that score what with Drug Action Teams and anti teen sex projects and the like - I should say that I meant anti teen-sex and not anti-teen sex projects. I don’t want to imagine what one of those would be.
I ended up composing emails solely for the person whose responsibility it was to check them. I'd ask them who they were and what they thought they were doing, how it was justified and their qualifications for the job. I never got a reply, mind.
I ended up composing emails solely for the person whose responsibility it was to check them. I'd ask them who they were and what they thought they were doing, how it was justified and their qualifications for the job. I never got a reply, mind.
Small musing on 'going private'
I’ve just ‘gone private’ for me teeth. Paid for by the NHS actually, but it was off to the private hospital in Methley. They mainly do cosmetic surgery. Lots of scope for jokes there of course. I rather hoped I could play ‘spot the boob job’ in the waiting room. Thought I might 'pair up' the boob enlargements with the boob reductions. You know, get them chatting and see if they could do some sort of swap to save on materials.
There were adverts for open evenings where you could find out more about 'body shaping' and 'abdominoplasty' among other procedures. I thought dominos had been made of plastic for some time. Anyway, the place was kind of a cross between an NHS hospital and the Crossroads motel. Most people there were there for NHS dentistry it seems - more tattoos, beer bellies and footie shirts than they’re used to I guess. Mind you, there’s a limit on how posh a private hospital can be on the borders of Rothwell and Castleford – and I still had a long wait. I suppose they make the effort so the NHS patients don’t feel too uncomfortable. Here's an odd thought though - plastic surgery isn't really for posh people is it?
It's about time they worked out how to get people to grow new teeth if you ask me. Very old people occasionally grow one or two it would seem. They should cross them with Catholic embryos or something.
There were adverts for open evenings where you could find out more about 'body shaping' and 'abdominoplasty' among other procedures. I thought dominos had been made of plastic for some time. Anyway, the place was kind of a cross between an NHS hospital and the Crossroads motel. Most people there were there for NHS dentistry it seems - more tattoos, beer bellies and footie shirts than they’re used to I guess. Mind you, there’s a limit on how posh a private hospital can be on the borders of Rothwell and Castleford – and I still had a long wait. I suppose they make the effort so the NHS patients don’t feel too uncomfortable. Here's an odd thought though - plastic surgery isn't really for posh people is it?
It's about time they worked out how to get people to grow new teeth if you ask me. Very old people occasionally grow one or two it would seem. They should cross them with Catholic embryos or something.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Sat bleedin' sumas - would that be blood oranges?
This may seem a stupid question but what the hell has happened to Satsumas? I can’t remember the last time I had one that was anything like, well, a Satsuma. They’re not supposed to be rock hard, sour, round or with a navel bit on ‘em. They’re supposed to have loose skin, be sweet and …well, you get the picture. Come on Satsuma producers, get your act together.
Oh, and it was welcome back to the outside part of Leeds market for me this week when I bought some 'satsumas' at '8 for a pound'. Not only were there only 7 in the bag but they were nothing like the ones on the front of the stall either. And nothing like satsumas.
Oh, and it was welcome back to the outside part of Leeds market for me this week when I bought some 'satsumas' at '8 for a pound'. Not only were there only 7 in the bag but they were nothing like the ones on the front of the stall either. And nothing like satsumas.
More corporate pals
I just made a bid on ebay. They congratulate me on being the first bidder - ‘hope you win’ they add. Nice of them, I really appreciate the personal touch, it gives me a tingly glow to think they're rooting for me in my attempted value for money purchasing behaviour.
However, I wondered if they intended to take any action to put this hope into practice. I emailed them to ask and they haven’t replied. I suspect that they don’t really care if I win or not. This is a crushing disappointment. Whey do they pretend to be my fwend?
However, I wondered if they intended to take any action to put this hope into practice. I emailed them to ask and they haven’t replied. I suspect that they don’t really care if I win or not. This is a crushing disappointment. Whey do they pretend to be my fwend?
My bank wants to be friends
I just got a new Terms and Conditions leaflet for my bank account. I’m ashamed to say I actually read some of it.
It says here ‘One of the great things about internet shopping is the extra time it gives you to enjoy life offline’.
My question is, is there a word for this kind of sick making matey approach to 'information'? And what could 'life off-line' mean? I don't want the NatWest bank to chat or give me their lifestyle opinions thank you very much.
It says here ‘One of the great things about internet shopping is the extra time it gives you to enjoy life offline’.
My question is, is there a word for this kind of sick making matey approach to 'information'? And what could 'life off-line' mean? I don't want the NatWest bank to chat or give me their lifestyle opinions thank you very much.
Are you insured Madam?
Isn’t it strange how the insurance business is (or at least has been) seen as somehow ‘respectable’? The sort of industry mothers don’t mind their sons ‘going into’. Their income is often guaranteed by law – you have to take out insurance to protect your mortgage lender, you have to insure your car and so on. Yet if the insurance company decide they don’t want to pay your claim what happens? – They don’t pay your claim! They decide. If you have a dispute, who do you appeal to? – another person at the same company – if you’re lucky! This of course if after the ‘excess’ and the exclusions of anything that you might actually need insurance for – the whole ‘act of God’ thing.
A couple of examples:
I know some people whose plumbing is been eaten by mice, causing holes and leaks and well, a lot of damage (this is the plumbing in their house, not some 1984 nightmare scenario…) Just the kind of thing you’d want to claim on your house insurance you’d think. But oh no, the policy doesn’t include rodent damage! Does this include the rodents at the insurance company?
We recently bought holiday insurance. It seems that this was compulsory too. On this policy you had to pay extra to insure your belongings! Well, what the f*ck do you want holiday insurance for if its not to insure the stuff that you take with you? I had a quick look at the reams of ‘information’ that they give you. We’ll be quids in if I lose a limb it would seem, and I can cause upset abroad leading to costs of up to £5,000,000. But if someone nicks my bag, tough! Whole sections of the economy are based on this kind of fantasy world it would seem.
A couple of examples:
I know some people whose plumbing is been eaten by mice, causing holes and leaks and well, a lot of damage (this is the plumbing in their house, not some 1984 nightmare scenario…) Just the kind of thing you’d want to claim on your house insurance you’d think. But oh no, the policy doesn’t include rodent damage! Does this include the rodents at the insurance company?
We recently bought holiday insurance. It seems that this was compulsory too. On this policy you had to pay extra to insure your belongings! Well, what the f*ck do you want holiday insurance for if its not to insure the stuff that you take with you? I had a quick look at the reams of ‘information’ that they give you. We’ll be quids in if I lose a limb it would seem, and I can cause upset abroad leading to costs of up to £5,000,000. But if someone nicks my bag, tough! Whole sections of the economy are based on this kind of fantasy world it would seem.
15% of your neighbours...
I’ve just been going through the local election results in Leeds. Small ‘hobby-horse’ type rant coming up…
If ‘New’ Labour continue to ignore the poor white people who feel like they’re not getting anywhere and no-one looks after their interests, then quite soon the BNP are going to start getting elected all over the place. I left Labour (probably for good) mainly over the ID card and civil liberties but also over them dumping the concept of ‘equality’ – oh, and arms, wars and, well all the rest of it. New Labour left the ‘working classes’ behind years ago and it seems that finally the working classes have begun to realise. If you combine this with the stifling of free speech so the BNP are forced (despite their own stupidity) to not say (for example) anything racist, it makes it much easier for them to pose as the party of the ‘white working class’ and the only people speaking up in those areas that never get the various ‘initiatives’, grants etc that are coming out of the ears of people in some areas of the city.
Wards like Chapel Allerton (the nice middle class green DMs brigade and the various black communities) gave the BNP about 3% of the vote. This is of course pretty good news. That 3% will be those not very attractive, not very bright, disappointed people who want someone to blame for their own personal failings. However, in Middleton it was nearly 40%. If I’m not mistaken the (proper, German) Nazis never got that percentage of the vote. I don’t believe that 40% of the voters in Middleton are racist scum. They’re people whose world has been collapsing for years. Some of them will suspect its due to ‘immigrants’ or whatever that they’re getting a bad deal. In fact it’s due to the disappearance from politics of the concepts of both equality and re-distribution of wealth. No-one even bothers to argue if multi-millionaires should pay more tax. ‘New Labour’ have been the Tory party for years but never properly admitted it and now it seems to me they’ve been caught out. I’ve said this before but I think the main rate of income tax in the 1970s was 33%. If it was that now how much would that raise for projects that could really improve the lives of people in places like Middleton? Think on eh?
So, there you go readers, ignore people for too long and they set the rottweiller on you.
Toodle Pip!
If ‘New’ Labour continue to ignore the poor white people who feel like they’re not getting anywhere and no-one looks after their interests, then quite soon the BNP are going to start getting elected all over the place. I left Labour (probably for good) mainly over the ID card and civil liberties but also over them dumping the concept of ‘equality’ – oh, and arms, wars and, well all the rest of it. New Labour left the ‘working classes’ behind years ago and it seems that finally the working classes have begun to realise. If you combine this with the stifling of free speech so the BNP are forced (despite their own stupidity) to not say (for example) anything racist, it makes it much easier for them to pose as the party of the ‘white working class’ and the only people speaking up in those areas that never get the various ‘initiatives’, grants etc that are coming out of the ears of people in some areas of the city.
Wards like Chapel Allerton (the nice middle class green DMs brigade and the various black communities) gave the BNP about 3% of the vote. This is of course pretty good news. That 3% will be those not very attractive, not very bright, disappointed people who want someone to blame for their own personal failings. However, in Middleton it was nearly 40%. If I’m not mistaken the (proper, German) Nazis never got that percentage of the vote. I don’t believe that 40% of the voters in Middleton are racist scum. They’re people whose world has been collapsing for years. Some of them will suspect its due to ‘immigrants’ or whatever that they’re getting a bad deal. In fact it’s due to the disappearance from politics of the concepts of both equality and re-distribution of wealth. No-one even bothers to argue if multi-millionaires should pay more tax. ‘New Labour’ have been the Tory party for years but never properly admitted it and now it seems to me they’ve been caught out. I’ve said this before but I think the main rate of income tax in the 1970s was 33%. If it was that now how much would that raise for projects that could really improve the lives of people in places like Middleton? Think on eh?
So, there you go readers, ignore people for too long and they set the rottweiller on you.
Toodle Pip!
Doorbell Walks
Somebody stole our doorbell this week, or at least the bell-push bit. Still, I expect some local chav will be able to buy a tube of Evostik with the money. £1.49 from Wilkinson’s - so it could be a bit difficult making much of a profit. How else could a doorbell 'pushbit' disappear though? Teleported to a shower of frogs? Possibly.
Talking of Wilkinson’s – it suddenly struck me last time I was in there – they are in fact Woollys! – Apart from the colour scheme it’s like being in Woolworth’s ‘back in the day’.
Talking of Wilkinson’s – it suddenly struck me last time I was in there – they are in fact Woollys! – Apart from the colour scheme it’s like being in Woolworth’s ‘back in the day’.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Chris Morris is back!
I didn’t realise 'The Day Today' was back!
I turned the telly on today to find a ‘news’ piece showing Trevor McDonald and Denise Van Outen carrying the Olympic torch! ‘Too daft to laugh at’ as my Mum would say.
I turned the telly on today to find a ‘news’ piece showing Trevor McDonald and Denise Van Outen carrying the Olympic torch! ‘Too daft to laugh at’ as my Mum would say.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Rude Fruit
Following on from my ranking of fruit by order of rudeness I’d like to make a brief addition.
Please take the utmost caution in using the word 'kumquat'.
I predict a controversy very like that one about using the word 'niggardly' (where, as I remember it, someone was hounded out of their job for other people's ignorance). Shout 'kumquat' at people in the street and see what happens. It'd be political correctness gone mad you know.
Please take the utmost caution in using the word 'kumquat'.
I predict a controversy very like that one about using the word 'niggardly' (where, as I remember it, someone was hounded out of their job for other people's ignorance). Shout 'kumquat' at people in the street and see what happens. It'd be political correctness gone mad you know.
Just like yer Grammar used to make
I'd just like to apologise for the level of grammar in this blog. I can't get the flow right. I have a spastic semi-colon or something. I've realised this as I've recently applied for a job where grammar is one of the 'essential criteria'. I'm better than a lot of people but I was never taught it so far as I can remember.
However, I am one of the last people in England to know the difference between stationary (not moving) and stationery (envelopes and pens). So there.
However, I am one of the last people in England to know the difference between stationary (not moving) and stationery (envelopes and pens). So there.
I Like Americans
I like Americans generally. I really do, and this is not sarcasm. American bands generally have something that British bands don't too (there's a PHD topic). However, I'm sick of 'semesters' and 'malls', 'muffins', 'movies' and all the other language that we've started to use - and the attitude that patriotism and aggressive Christianity are OK, oh, and 10 gallon buckets of popcorn and...well, there's a list. So much is imported from the USA along with exaggerated respect for entrepreneurs and really shit telly.
When I were a lad America was big and fabulous - full of cactus and hookers and big trucks and Kojak and Easyrider and people making films about the Vietnam war. Meanwhile we had drizzle and working men's clubs. Thing is though, why are we still importing America now its not so much more exciting than here? America looks kind of 'small-town' - full of religion, support for 'our boys' and the death sentence.
I remember the moon landings (just). Real or not, it seemed to me that the planet stood still to applaud. America was doing something on behalf of the whole world (leaving aside all the cold war stuff) and we were amazed and impressed. The future was happening, the mission to Mars was scheduled for 1985 according to my Brooke Bond tea card album and this showed that we could 'fix things'. Now they're just being arsey about who enters the country, torturing people in boiler suits and making up imaginery money.
I guess America was always invading somewhere or propping up some mad dictator (it being our turn previous to them) but I still want to know what happened.
When I were a lad America was big and fabulous - full of cactus and hookers and big trucks and Kojak and Easyrider and people making films about the Vietnam war. Meanwhile we had drizzle and working men's clubs. Thing is though, why are we still importing America now its not so much more exciting than here? America looks kind of 'small-town' - full of religion, support for 'our boys' and the death sentence.
I remember the moon landings (just). Real or not, it seemed to me that the planet stood still to applaud. America was doing something on behalf of the whole world (leaving aside all the cold war stuff) and we were amazed and impressed. The future was happening, the mission to Mars was scheduled for 1985 according to my Brooke Bond tea card album and this showed that we could 'fix things'. Now they're just being arsey about who enters the country, torturing people in boiler suits and making up imaginery money.
I guess America was always invading somewhere or propping up some mad dictator (it being our turn previous to them) but I still want to know what happened.
Kidneys to Britishness
Darn. World Kidney Day was on 13th March and I missed it. I can only speculate as to what fantastic events were running. Maybe they drank punch, (kidney punch yer see...) raffled off a dialysis machine and finished the evening with a mixed grill.
I'm off to set up World Angry Pedestrian Day and the World Day of Days. Maybe the day after the proposed 'celebrate being British' day. They seem to have missed the point that the essence of being British is to not give a toss about being British.
I'm off to set up World Angry Pedestrian Day and the World Day of Days. Maybe the day after the proposed 'celebrate being British' day. They seem to have missed the point that the essence of being British is to not give a toss about being British.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
My New Mellow Traffic Self
I went in to my job today on my day off. This is because I work for a rubbish organisation which seems to believe that if you think about things hard enough and are ‘pro-active in moving things forward’ that they magically happen. Some idiot like me who has carefully already carefully explained the inpingements of the real world has to pull them out of the shit before people in the real world get f*cked about too much and it makes me angry. You wonder if they do this on purpose. I will take my time back though…Incidentally, this same organisation has what I can only describe as a 'collective ego' which thinks its great and routinely takes the credit for any work that anyone connected with it does as if it had done it itself.
Anyway, on the way in I was congratulating myself on my new attitude to traffic. This is that instead of blaming the morons who regularly endanger people’s lives by ignoring the red lights and such like we could perhaps work with the people who design junctions and traffic lights and the like to make it psychologically more difficult to drive like a moron. I believe this because it’s usually at the same junctions where the various moron incidents happen. This makes me think that its at least partly to do with design.
Then I get to the junction of Roundhay Road with Harehills Lane. Within 20 seconds one van did an illegal u-turn in front of me and I was half way across the crossing (having waited for the green mad I might add) when some prize twat in a big silver Vauxhall made an illegal right turn straight across the pedestrian crossing at about 20 miles an hour (and this is a 90 degree turn, one of the reasons for the ‘no right turn’ signs and the sign warning pedestrians about motorists making illegal turns’) missing me by less than a foot.
So…mellowness gone. Annoyingly I was too taken by surprise to take physical action against the car. I managed a ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing you moron’ at the top of my voice though, followed by what was kind of half way between a one and a two fingered salute. However, a nice door dent caused by work DMs would have been much more appropriate. Once again, car driver careering through a pedestrian crossing deserves at least a grands worth of damage (which anyone who owns a car will know ain't much).
So, be mellow, mind how you go and knock a big dent in the moron's car. If you can get the number and make it public by any means you can. Hope they object and you can get it in the papers...
Anyway, on the way in I was congratulating myself on my new attitude to traffic. This is that instead of blaming the morons who regularly endanger people’s lives by ignoring the red lights and such like we could perhaps work with the people who design junctions and traffic lights and the like to make it psychologically more difficult to drive like a moron. I believe this because it’s usually at the same junctions where the various moron incidents happen. This makes me think that its at least partly to do with design.
Then I get to the junction of Roundhay Road with Harehills Lane. Within 20 seconds one van did an illegal u-turn in front of me and I was half way across the crossing (having waited for the green mad I might add) when some prize twat in a big silver Vauxhall made an illegal right turn straight across the pedestrian crossing at about 20 miles an hour (and this is a 90 degree turn, one of the reasons for the ‘no right turn’ signs and the sign warning pedestrians about motorists making illegal turns’) missing me by less than a foot.
So…mellowness gone. Annoyingly I was too taken by surprise to take physical action against the car. I managed a ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing you moron’ at the top of my voice though, followed by what was kind of half way between a one and a two fingered salute. However, a nice door dent caused by work DMs would have been much more appropriate. Once again, car driver careering through a pedestrian crossing deserves at least a grands worth of damage (which anyone who owns a car will know ain't much).
So, be mellow, mind how you go and knock a big dent in the moron's car. If you can get the number and make it public by any means you can. Hope they object and you can get it in the papers...
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