Designer Plumbing / Scrotum

I’m really sick of designer plumbing. Basically, I don’t know how to work any of the stuff. I mean the kind of thing you get at airports and hotels. Half the time I can’t work out whether to wash my hands or piss in it.

I want to know instantly whether something is soap or some sort of electric sensor or just a curly bit of chrome plated metal with no discernable use at all. I want to know which is the stuff to wipe my bum on and which for drying my hands. I’m not stupid but I don’t want to have to waste time and energy in a strange place figuring it all out. Most of all I want control. I want to be able to decide when the toilet flushes, whether I get hot water or cold (or the mixture of the two). The bald fact is that some designs actually work and the rest don’t. Have you ever used a tap that you press to turn on that didn’t power water out at 200psi followed by an abrupt stop? – or they just pour away for hours so they can’t possibly use any less water than a real actual normal tap.

I found a tap today in a disabled toilet (yeah I know, how can a toilet be disabled…) which has a widening stripe on it suggesting that the water would get colder the further it was turned on – so it’s a dribble of scalding water or a torrent of cold it would seem. What if someone wants a torrent of hot or a dribble of cold? And how do you know where the happy medium you want will be if you turn the tap on ‘a bit’ and loads of water gushes out? Actually, where are the people who want scalding hot or freezing cold water to wash their hands in? 'Caution hot water' means 'this water is too hot to wash your hands with, we thought you might like a cup of tea' or 'we're idiots'. Legionnaires disease is used as an excuse by the way (I'm not making this up).

The thing is don’t muck about with fancy designs that don’t work, and most of all don’t do it in airports and motorway service stations where people are not so likely to be regulars. And while we’re in the men's toilets, I don’t like that razor advert that suggests you shave your scrotum by showing 2 kiwi fruit, one having had its fur shaved off. Who wants to think about shaving their scrotum in a motorway service station for fucksakes? There’s coffee at £3 a bucket and the most expensive cakes in Christendom to think about. And ‘special offer’ breakfasts at only £8.99.