Sunday, November 19, 2006


Well, I know. You know this too - The world of advertising is so tightly up it's own bottom that the sphincters who 'work' in it (I saw some captioned on telly as 'creatives' - ha ha!) are in danger of bursting like over-microwaved fat smug southern sausages. However, someone gets paid (presumably) to write descriptions on shampoo bottles and no-one stops them going completely mental, more mental than you would think it possible to go even for a really big family sized roasting tosser.

I thought I’d done this one years ago but I’ve been at the shampoo (or ‘fake shit’ as I call it) bottles again....

I bought a bottle of ‘cleansing’ shampoo from Tescos recently. Presumably they do a ‘dirtying’ version then? Mind you, they do ‘Chinese meal solutions’. I checked the dictionary definition. As I thought, dissolved in water. They must be for people who can only eat by sucking through a straw. I’ve definitely said this before you know…’Parkes’s Perfectly Reasonable Rant Solutions’ it says on the side of my van.

Talking of shampoo though, there are 2 shampoo bottles in the bathroom that aren’t mine. One is Garnier Fructis ‘FRESH fortifying cream conditioner’ ‘with active fruit concentrate’ ‘for normal hair that gets greasy quickly’ ‘with innovation no heaviness formula’ ‘for hair that shines with all its strength’. Mm. I’m surprised the bottle is strong enough to support the weight of such a truckload of dog turd. It really does say all that (and more) on the one bottle. Presumably people read it. Presumably this is meant to make their product sound good in moron land?

Do I really need to say anything or are you pulling on the combat trousers and ringing your dodgiest mate with the temper as we speak?

Sorry, but these are some of the questions I’ll be asking them when they’re all trussed up and begging to be allowed to visit the toilet…

Well, what if I think the fruit concentrate is not ‘active’ enough – how ‘active’ do they promise it is? – does it jog? and what fruit is it then and why would I want said fruit concentrated?
What if I find it stale and not fresh at all?
What if I find the formula still leads to slight heaviness? – and can I question the level of innovation?
What if I find my hair only shines with part of its strength?

The other shampoo ‘Locks in coloured hair vibrancy’. Do I want vibrancy locking into my hair? NO, I WANT THESE ADVERTISING TWATS BEGGING ON THE STREETS AND BEING PISSED ON BY VAGRANTS.

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