Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Keeping up with the Soap and Butter

The other day I accidentally used some ‘Palmolive Ultra Nourishing Liquid Handwash with Shea Butter.’ Mistook it for soap. What a bunch of tossers eh?

Shea butter is of course very difficult to get hold of, being seasonal seat guano drippings from the famous Shea Stadium - harvested by Mexicans. My hands became so well ‘nourished’ they grew several inches and now have big square teeth, an obesity problem and very little knowledge of foreign affairs.

It's getting increasingly difficult to buy soap that's actually called 'soap'. I even washed my face with 'handwash' the other day and I'm getting a bit smelly because no-one seems to make 'willy wash' or 'arse wash' with Shea butter or otherwise. Similarly, it's now impossible to buy margarine - 'Speciality spreads' made with goat kidneys yes, margarine, no. I hate Tescos. Since they have 'Indian meal solutions' I assume they dissolve curry in water and you suck it through a straw. If not they can't speak English and should be sent back where they came from. B*stard marketing Tw*ts all I'm afraid.

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