My new book, the slim but essential ‘Male Changing Room* Etiquette – How to act normal in a changing room full of odd people – a guide’ will soon be on sale soon in imaginary bookshops across the country, if not the world.
One entry which not so many people will need (though it has to be there to ensure comprehensive coverage) will be ‘Snot – how not to deal with it’. This particular entry doesn’t pretend to be a complete snot guide but it does give examples of what not to do (for stupid people, as usual). The guide doesn’t wish to offend so there’s only so far I’m prepared to go, snot wise. However, in case you need this advice now and really can't wait, here’s a sample:-
Do, not, EVER, press one nostril down with a finger, loudly snort snot onto the fingers of ones other hand and throw it on the floor of the shower - even if you are aiming for the drain. It is offensive in my sight – and that is enough – and yes, I did see this happen – in real life.
I am indeed 'the Brian Sewell of the changing room' (the Manchester Guardian).
*The editors of the US edition will no doubt use the phrase ‘locker room’ liberally – it’ll be good to see Americans being liberal for a change. However, I will not allow anyone to use the phrase ‘snot what you do’….