My New Friends

I have discovered some new friends. They make sandwiches and work for a place called ‘PRET’ in town. They’re lovely, and as I say, they’re my friends. They say all kinds of funny but friendly things on their packaging like ‘sorry about the ghastly plastic wrapper’ on their cake wrapper!!

They know me so well. We just kind of clicked almost instantly. They say ‘When you bake at home, you take it out of the oven and cool it on a wire rack’ – I DO! How did they know? Then they say ‘Then you eat a large slice (as a reward) and keep the rest in a flowery cake tin, like your Grandma used to!’ Amazing, she DID! I DO!

I’m using daffodils in my cake tins at the moment. Those guys just, like KNOW ME SO WELL!

This uncannily accurate information is ‘Passion Fact no. 47’.

The cake provides 2 yummy mouthfuls and represents excellent value at £1.30 – and I HAVE NEW FRIENDS!!!

Incidentally, my passion fact no.13 is to think about Margaret Thatcher to stop myself from coming too soon! – But then there’s those pretty ankles!

JP Book Nears Publication

My new book, the slim but essential ‘Male Changing Room* Etiquette – How to act normal in a changing room full of odd people – a guide’ will soon be on sale soon in imaginary bookshops across the country, if not the world.

One entry which not so many people will need (though it has to be there to ensure comprehensive coverage) will be ‘Snot – how not to deal with it’. This particular entry doesn’t pretend to be a complete snot guide but it does give examples of what not to do (for stupid people, as usual). The guide doesn’t wish to offend so there’s only so far I’m prepared to go, snot wise. However, in case you need this advice now and really can't wait, here’s a sample:-

Do, not, EVER, press one nostril down with a finger, loudly snort snot onto the fingers of ones other hand and throw it on the floor of the shower - even if you are aiming for the drain. It is offensive in my sight – and that is enough – and yes, I did see this happen – in real life.

I am indeed 'the Brian Sewell of the changing room' (the Manchester Guardian).

*The editors of the US edition will no doubt use the phrase ‘locker room’ liberally – it’ll be good to see Americans being liberal for a change. However, I will not allow anyone to use the phrase ‘snot what you do’….

Militant Pedestrians Turn to Violence

YES! Real physical violence! When you’re next driving through a pedestrian crossing with the green man flashing bleeps in your ears and you hear a satisfying ‘Thunk!’ it could well be a top Leeds based songwriter / singer sticking the ‘Doc Welly’ into your rear nearside. I’ve done it and I LIKE IT!

The bloke stopped his car. Maybe he was going to remonstrate; maybe he thought he’d hit someone and wanted to be sure he hadn’t hurt anyone – the BIG BABY! – If you’re going to drive like a raving maniac (who can’t drive) you’ve got to live with the consequences without regret, you know. If you want to kill, then kill, if you don’t want to kill then DON’T DRIVE THROUGH THE RED LIGHT YOU MORON! Incidentally, if you remonstrate you leave your car open to further attack. If I run away you’ll have to leave your car in the road. I might run in a circle, steal your car and drive it into an insurance company call centre (if there’s enough petrol to get to Jodpur).

So, there you go kids. Attack the lawbreakers physically. The real law won’t touch ‘em. Militant Pedestrians have done it – and it was GOOD!

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