When I set this blog up I thought I would do more of this. Anyway, I bought another copy of White Bread Black Beer by Scritti Politti to give away as a present. I wrote this lot out in the time it took to write it (if you see what I mean - i.e. I did it quickly, straight off the top of me head) so the grammar and tenses sway a bit. However, it does convey some enthusiasm I think...
To be honest this album deserves proper research and information and putting into context and all that blather. However, I don’t have time for that. What I would like to tell you is that this is a GREAT, GREAT RECORD. I define that by the number of times I listen to it over time. This is one of those records that you like when you first hear it and have a little niggling urge to play again. Thing is that that urge didn’t start to fade until I got to about 60 complete listens. I put it on my MP3 player (a thing I’m a bit ambivalent about by the way) and just kept playing it – and I still want to keep listening to it! This puts it up there with the GREAT RECORDS that I’ve really loved over the years, Dylan’s Blood on the Tracks, various Beatles albums – the really great records of all time. More recently only the Shins Wincing the Night Away has done anything like this for me.
I remember reading years ago that Joni Mitchell album took a year to sink in and another year to appreciate. I think that this album also has some of that quality. Now it doesn’t actually sound like any of the people I’ve listed but it does mean that you don’t have to buy into any historical 1980s or Scritti Politti ‘place in pop history’ stuff to appreciate it - it just means it’s a great, great record.
OK, so after that some hints as to what it’s actually like. Well for a start you get a really gorgeous voice. High, even slightly androgynous, caressing even, smooth and perfect recorded to hear lip sounds (close to mike and compressed fact fans) and just great to listen to. The words are pop in a slightly twisted and fascinating way. You may not know exactly what a song is about but it’ll certainly sound like it’s about something - and its something interesting and pop but slightly dark, perhaps even very dark. Blood features a few times – feeding something or other blood from a spoon, a flag of blood and lipstick – and is that ‘bellywash blood’? – yuk! – But fabulous too. Darkness in pop is a very special thing when it’s done well – I mean what can ‘Touch me again and I’ll tell Mrs Hughes’ possibly be about? This is followed later in the song by ‘Tell me again and I’ll touch Mrs Hughes’. Thing is, I think I know what this might be about but can’t quite put it into words and it’s private so I’m not telling you anyway. If I knew exactly what it was about it might spoil it. The whole album allows you to interpret lyrics for yourself and kind of develop your own relationship with it - you only need the album – no photos of artist or interviews or context to persuade you why you like it, just the record itself in a world of its own and you in a world of your own with the record.
The songs are all great but often a bit fragmented (this is not a bad thing though it normally would be). One will start with some gorgeous Beach Boys like harmony which will stop and reappear later as if its part of the next song - which it actually might be – who cares!? The result is that 13 tracks sounds like around 30 – and for once this is a GOOD THING – there’s always another favourite moment coming up and the bit you’re listening to is likely to be a new favourite bit in another few listens. The music is home recorded. Again, this sounds like it might be a horrible amateur thing, but in fact it just means it’s a single unique vision. A lot of time must’ve been put into this. Like my Grandma’s buns – perfectly risen, perfectly mixed and with icing and a cherry on top. I haven’t really analysed the instrumentation but things occur as you go along – there are certainly acoustic guitars on there and there’s bass and some beat box type drums and probably a lot of the songs have no drums at all but who cares – if you’re eating the perfect bar of bitter sweet chocolate why bother to notice the exact percentage of cocoa butter?
So, this is pop – YEAH YEAH as XTC once said. Do yourself a favour and buy this record and listen to it a 1,000 times before you die. Put it up there with yer Beatles and Dylans and Mitchells if you’re me or alongside your own particular life enhancing / changing records.
I came to this record after hearing Stuart Maconie play a track on Radio 2. It was the single Snow in Sun and it sounded like slightly trippy, slightly fey modern psychedelia on first hearing. I thought I’d be buying something slightly twee but fun. In fact I got one of the best records I’ve hear in years.
This is an achingly good record. I’ve bought 3 copies so far so I can give them to people I know who deserve them and might appreciate them. A strange and beautiful thing!
Friday, May 08, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
That last post
That last post reminded me that comedians still do routines about buying Christmas presents at the last minute - I say 'Catch up'! - Christmas Eve is Easter egg time and you're not allowed to buy stuff except when its advertised. Follow the shops' agenda or get the hell out!
I don't understand shopping any more (in so far as I ever did) and I don't know why shops don't like me, my money or my attitude. Probably because I don't thank them for watching me and stuff.
If only people were paranoid snitches willing to shop anyone with a swarthy complexion and do what the government told them a bit more we could all be happy eh?! I love New Labour and all they've done. Sorry, I'm thinking posters again.
I don't understand shopping any more (in so far as I ever did) and I don't know why shops don't like me, my money or my attitude. Probably because I don't thank them for watching me and stuff.
If only people were paranoid snitches willing to shop anyone with a swarthy complexion and do what the government told them a bit more we could all be happy eh?! I love New Labour and all they've done. Sorry, I'm thinking posters again.
Easter Shopping!
It’s Good Friday today. Thought I’d buy an Easter egg, with it being Easter and all. I’d also read there were a lot about due to Woolworth’s going out of business. I was in town so I popped into Boots. No sign. Oh well, never mind, on to Tescos. Nope – no Easter eggs in Tescos either. Ok, Wilkinson’s – now if ever there was a shop (or am I only allowed to say ‘store’ these days) that would sell Easter eggs it would be the big Wilko’s in town. Nope - nothing there but an advert for ‘em in the window. No actual Easter eggs. The penny finally dropped – they’ve been selling them since Christmas and they think to themselves, what kind of idiot would buy an Easter egg only 2 days before Easter? Presumably I should have been looking for Father’s day cards (don’t get me started on that one) – Easter eggs at Easter? – What kind of loser am I?
This is actually good news as it saves money. It’s like the fact that telly is rubbish means there’s loads more time to do ‘other stuff’ – the result is the opposite of what ‘they’ presumably want - but I gain.
Eventually, I actually I found some Easter eggs in Sainsbury’s (the Headrow, Leeds if you were wondering). However this was not a particularly pleasant experience. You get into the shop at the front where the escalators are like gleaming white evangelical teeth. When they’ve got your money they kick you out into the alley at the arse-end of the shop (sorry, store). Not only that, but when you have done your shopping they make you line up to follow a queue to 400 serve-yourself checkouts in rows - looks like the biggest urinal in history. With dozens of attendants to make sure you’re doing their job correctly for them They had a single till where someone took your money and of course this had a massive queue.
I want to know what I get from the supermarkets for doing their job for them. This whole ‘come on, come on, we’ve let you buy stuff so hurry up and fuck off and don’t you dare ask any of our staff to do anything for you’ attitude really sucks, to use the Americanism.
Looking on the bright side though, if all shopping experiences are depressing and rubbish I’ll save a load of money. Still paid £290 for new glasses though – it were free when I were a lad – NHS and all that. It were all free you know. What happened to that?
Meanwhile Argos have staff with badges saying they’re ‘colleagues’. They make sure that you don’t have to talk to them at all though. Where are all the people they used to employ in shops to do stuff?
This is actually good news as it saves money. It’s like the fact that telly is rubbish means there’s loads more time to do ‘other stuff’ – the result is the opposite of what ‘they’ presumably want - but I gain.
Eventually, I actually I found some Easter eggs in Sainsbury’s (the Headrow, Leeds if you were wondering). However this was not a particularly pleasant experience. You get into the shop at the front where the escalators are like gleaming white evangelical teeth. When they’ve got your money they kick you out into the alley at the arse-end of the shop (sorry, store). Not only that, but when you have done your shopping they make you line up to follow a queue to 400 serve-yourself checkouts in rows - looks like the biggest urinal in history. With dozens of attendants to make sure you’re doing their job correctly for them They had a single till where someone took your money and of course this had a massive queue.
I want to know what I get from the supermarkets for doing their job for them. This whole ‘come on, come on, we’ve let you buy stuff so hurry up and fuck off and don’t you dare ask any of our staff to do anything for you’ attitude really sucks, to use the Americanism.
Looking on the bright side though, if all shopping experiences are depressing and rubbish I’ll save a load of money. Still paid £290 for new glasses though – it were free when I were a lad – NHS and all that. It were all free you know. What happened to that?
Meanwhile Argos have staff with badges saying they’re ‘colleagues’. They make sure that you don’t have to talk to them at all though. Where are all the people they used to employ in shops to do stuff?
Sunday, March 29, 2009
CD Reviews! Coming soon - maybe
As you may know I hardly ever go on about music. However, sometimes a CD is just sooo good you have to go on about it. So after a quick mention of the Shins (Wincing the Night Away) which I'm still playing months and months after I got it and a quick nod to Oasis (the latest album is actually 'pretty good') I need to thank Mr Maconie on Wunnerful Radio 2 for directing me in the direction of White Bread Black Beer by Scritti Politti (have I even spelt that right). Came out in 2006 apparently. Thing is it's absolutely fab - I've played it about 50 times now and really don't want to turn it off when I start - it's a giddy delight of pop confection in the slightly off kilter non-rubbish vein of pop. I shall be going on about it again - and I have the chance to review it on ebay!
I don't know if anyone actually does these reviews on ebay and if anyone reads them but I will do one for this one. I bought a copy to give to someone in a kind of 'here's one of the best records you're likely to hear in a very long time' kind of way. The last record felt strong enough about to 'review' on ebay was New Model Army - who were always so much better than most right thinking people thought and I will always defend. So there.
More on this at some point I expect.
I don't know if anyone actually does these reviews on ebay and if anyone reads them but I will do one for this one. I bought a copy to give to someone in a kind of 'here's one of the best records you're likely to hear in a very long time' kind of way. The last record felt strong enough about to 'review' on ebay was New Model Army - who were always so much better than most right thinking people thought and I will always defend. So there.
More on this at some point I expect.
An example of my email thang
If you should sign up for the JP 'newsletter / occasional email' this is an example of what you get. I'm not saying its any good it just IS OK? Just send an email and I'll put you on the list. Or take you off if you want.
Hello, and to the show, Well...come!
Welcome to the thankfully rare JP / Wholesky Monitor update.
...And the computer is back at AAZ / FR Records HQ after what might be described as 'quite a long time' being repaired. It stopped working. We took it to a shop and said 'make it work'. They kept it for ages but then they made it work. So now it works. Simple these computers really.
So, the evenings of singing hymns with the family around the pianoforte, playing cribbage with the curate from the village, crocheting harpsichords and generally doing 'other stuff' are gone and we can get back to deleting messages from myspace, Facebook, a million and one bands, suppliers to bands, websites that make you famous, magazines, ebay, gig adverts, record adverts, spam and friends stranded in Nigeria / open mic nights and all the other fab internet nonsense that wastes your life like 'other stuff' used to.
So, instead its time for us to clog up your inbox with stuff about a gig. Here are a list of 'desirables' at a gig:
1. A good day of the week - how about a Friday then? That any good? Yes, Friday is good, no school in the morning, can stay out late etc.
2. Decent time - how about 10pm? You could go on to a club, even a pub or just get a bus, train or pre-midnight taxi home. Or simply have sex in an alley near the venue and sunrise won't expose the depths of your iniquity.
3. Decent venue - how about the Elbow Rooms in Leeds? Call Lane, just down the hill from the Corn Exchange.
4. Not too expensive - how about £2 for 4 bands? That's TWO POUNDS - that is not a lot of money even for you tight wads, come on now.
So...(and congrats to those of you who spotted this one coming...)
Whole Sky Monitor are playing at the Elbow Rooms, Call Lane, Leeds on Friday 27th March. That's a week or so away, plenty of time to not forget. On about 10pm though its OK to turn up earlier and watch the other bands. If its actually Room plural you knew what I meant, I just didn't bother, I thought you'd know OK?
So we're on 4 out of 4 so far. So, yeah, the music might be a bit dodgy but 4 out of 5 isn't bad and you can't have everything eh? Boom Boom! (I'm so glad Basil Brush was re-invented pretty much on the old model by the way - and the latest book I'm reading mentions Kunzel cakes - see the blog via johnparkes.com for details...I'll do that at some point soon)
This is the first WSM gig for ages and it'll be the last for a while and we'll be 'previewing' (this is a word that means 'playing') some of the songs that we're recording for the new album which will probably not have the word Fritzl in its title though it could be a close run thing. If you need reminding or would like to see the poster or want something to forward to your nephew in Colchester here's a link: http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa157/atnelson/270309--1web.png You can get tickets in advance from band members if you like too. You hand over £2 and they give you a ticket - easy!
Right, that's enough of them. Here's some advance notice of a JP gig what I am doing. I'll send more details nearer the time. This one is 'for cheriddy' (I do fuck all for charity and love to talk about it etc...and I own shares in BT - actually I don't, that was Bernard Manning and not me there for a second)
It's Friday 8th May at the West Indian Centre in Chapeltown off Chapeltown Road starting at 7pm (see most of the above re good things to have at a gig). It's for a thing called the 'Whiterose Initiative'. This is a charity dedicated to supporting and promoting out of town shopping centres during the recession and concentrates on the White Rose Centre off Dewsbury Road. Actually, I just checked and it's not. It looks like a bunch of pinko do-gooders who are merely postponing the workers revolution by their naive capitalist liberal do-gooding (see, I told you they were do-gooders - for those who aren't sure, do you really prefer do-badders?) Find out more at http://www.whiteroseinitiative.co.uk/ The website was last updated in December 2006 so they're my kind of people.
It's getting late so if I have to go, I'd better go now, or else I'll have to stay all night.
Just come to the gigs eh? Then I wouldn't have to write this stuff which wastes the foam of the best blood (if anyone gets this reference you are very clever indeed with a very good memory)
Good night to one and all and see you at the gigzz
JP
Hello, and to the show, Well...come!
Welcome to the thankfully rare JP / Wholesky Monitor update.
...And the computer is back at AAZ / FR Records HQ after what might be described as 'quite a long time' being repaired. It stopped working. We took it to a shop and said 'make it work'. They kept it for ages but then they made it work. So now it works. Simple these computers really.
So, the evenings of singing hymns with the family around the pianoforte, playing cribbage with the curate from the village, crocheting harpsichords and generally doing 'other stuff' are gone and we can get back to deleting messages from myspace, Facebook, a million and one bands, suppliers to bands, websites that make you famous, magazines, ebay, gig adverts, record adverts, spam and friends stranded in Nigeria / open mic nights and all the other fab internet nonsense that wastes your life like 'other stuff' used to.
So, instead its time for us to clog up your inbox with stuff about a gig. Here are a list of 'desirables' at a gig:
1. A good day of the week - how about a Friday then? That any good? Yes, Friday is good, no school in the morning, can stay out late etc.
2. Decent time - how about 10pm? You could go on to a club, even a pub or just get a bus, train or pre-midnight taxi home. Or simply have sex in an alley near the venue and sunrise won't expose the depths of your iniquity.
3. Decent venue - how about the Elbow Rooms in Leeds? Call Lane, just down the hill from the Corn Exchange.
4. Not too expensive - how about £2 for 4 bands? That's TWO POUNDS - that is not a lot of money even for you tight wads, come on now.
So...(and congrats to those of you who spotted this one coming...)
Whole Sky Monitor are playing at the Elbow Rooms, Call Lane, Leeds on Friday 27th March. That's a week or so away, plenty of time to not forget. On about 10pm though its OK to turn up earlier and watch the other bands. If its actually Room plural you knew what I meant, I just didn't bother, I thought you'd know OK?
So we're on 4 out of 4 so far. So, yeah, the music might be a bit dodgy but 4 out of 5 isn't bad and you can't have everything eh? Boom Boom! (I'm so glad Basil Brush was re-invented pretty much on the old model by the way - and the latest book I'm reading mentions Kunzel cakes - see the blog via johnparkes.com for details...I'll do that at some point soon)
This is the first WSM gig for ages and it'll be the last for a while and we'll be 'previewing' (this is a word that means 'playing') some of the songs that we're recording for the new album which will probably not have the word Fritzl in its title though it could be a close run thing. If you need reminding or would like to see the poster or want something to forward to your nephew in Colchester here's a link: http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa157/atnelson/270309--1web.png You can get tickets in advance from band members if you like too. You hand over £2 and they give you a ticket - easy!
Right, that's enough of them. Here's some advance notice of a JP gig what I am doing. I'll send more details nearer the time. This one is 'for cheriddy' (I do fuck all for charity and love to talk about it etc...and I own shares in BT - actually I don't, that was Bernard Manning and not me there for a second)
It's Friday 8th May at the West Indian Centre in Chapeltown off Chapeltown Road starting at 7pm (see most of the above re good things to have at a gig). It's for a thing called the 'Whiterose Initiative'. This is a charity dedicated to supporting and promoting out of town shopping centres during the recession and concentrates on the White Rose Centre off Dewsbury Road. Actually, I just checked and it's not. It looks like a bunch of pinko do-gooders who are merely postponing the workers revolution by their naive capitalist liberal do-gooding (see, I told you they were do-gooders - for those who aren't sure, do you really prefer do-badders?) Find out more at http://www.whiteroseinitiative.co.uk/ The website was last updated in December 2006 so they're my kind of people.
It's getting late so if I have to go, I'd better go now, or else I'll have to stay all night.
Just come to the gigs eh? Then I wouldn't have to write this stuff which wastes the foam of the best blood (if anyone gets this reference you are very clever indeed with a very good memory)
Good night to one and all and see you at the gigzz
JP
Saturday, March 28, 2009
New key sir?
Guess how much a new key is for a Vauxhall Vivaro van. A fiver? Ten? Surely not £20? Nope, its £145. Really!
He was looking at the camera officer
This is all getting too predictable. They spend our taxes on adverts telling poor people that they'd better not work on the side for an extra few quid or the law will be after them. It's the usual thing - steal £20 and they're after you, steal £20 million and you'll be invited to advise the government. But now they're inviting people to inform on people looking at security cameras.
Occasionally I look at security cameras and wonder why they're watching the poor areas. Actually it seems pretty clear, they're there to direct the vans when the plebs start rioting. But now, according to the posters we're all paying for, lives will be saved by people reporting other people for looking at the cameras. The posters have been produced for or by our friends the British Transport Police (why?!) You'd think the cameras would be recordng the people examining them wouldn't you? I wonder how this works? Maybe its that the average nutjob terrorist so desperate for sex with a string of virgins he'll blow himself to pieces doesn't want any pictures afterwards? The same kind of people who make those terrific videos showing off their big holy guns?
Anyway the message is clear - they're telling us not to dare question being watched all the time because its for our own good. Then with find Orwellian irony they'll tell us that our way of life and 'freedoms' must be protected. By watching everyone. And torture. Not that this country has ever had any involvment in any of that. Obviously.
Occasionally I look at security cameras and wonder why they're watching the poor areas. Actually it seems pretty clear, they're there to direct the vans when the plebs start rioting. But now, according to the posters we're all paying for, lives will be saved by people reporting other people for looking at the cameras. The posters have been produced for or by our friends the British Transport Police (why?!) You'd think the cameras would be recordng the people examining them wouldn't you? I wonder how this works? Maybe its that the average nutjob terrorist so desperate for sex with a string of virgins he'll blow himself to pieces doesn't want any pictures afterwards? The same kind of people who make those terrific videos showing off their big holy guns?
Anyway the message is clear - they're telling us not to dare question being watched all the time because its for our own good. Then with find Orwellian irony they'll tell us that our way of life and 'freedoms' must be protected. By watching everyone. And torture. Not that this country has ever had any involvment in any of that. Obviously.
Point proven I think
Well! Within seconds of posting all that stuff about "large introduction and embedding of systematic approaches to commissioning and provision of services to facilitate and enable lifestyle and behaviour change" from the NHS and I get a message from the blog people saying that my blog is probably spam and will be deleted! It would appear they have a detector which recognises spam by its "irrelevant, repetitive, or nonsensical text"! I guess this is all that minced up Dickens and stuff that comes with your penis enlargement opportunities.
I reckon all official 'information' should be scanned for spam. If it comes up as spam (and it surely will) delete the lot, sack 'em all and put the kettle on - job done!
I reckon all official 'information' should be scanned for spam. If it comes up as spam (and it surely will) delete the lot, sack 'em all and put the kettle on - job done!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Even more changing room behaviour
Who’d have thought that swimming pool showers and changing rooms would continue to produce new observations. Today’s is the simple statement that watching a small boy wee in the shower is actually not the funniest thing ever in the history of the world as his Dad and the bloke next to him seemed to think. Not that I’m particularly objecting I hasten to add, just not worth the belly laughs that’s all.
Then there's the bloke drying his bald head under the hand dryer in the same way one might if one had hair. Which he didn't. As he was bald.
Then there's the bloke drying his bald head under the hand dryer in the same way one might if one had hair. Which he didn't. As he was bald.
"Behaviour Change Workforce Competence Framework"!
Via work I receive a booklet (a proper, printed, full colour booklet mind) from ‘Yorkshire and the Humber NHS’ (the Humber being a river containing, so far as I know, no hospitals) about something called ‘Healthy Ambitions’.
A thing called the ‘Yorkshire and the Humber Public Health Workforce Advisory Group’ (i.e. a bunch of people who go to meetings) have analysed this and developed a ‘multi-partner approach with human resources at the core’. All very heartwarming I’m sure though anyone who has ever worked in a large organisation will know the value of HR (i.e. none at all). But anyway, I digress…It says “Language like ‘industrialisation’ has been used to describe this imperative. What this means is a large introduction and embedding of systematic approaches to commissioning and provision of services to facilitate and enable lifestyle and behaviour change”. Even better, ‘a behaviour change workforce competence framework’ has been commissioned from Sheffield Hallam University. Now we all know that nobody speaks like this. We also know that no-one in their right mind can read this stuff. So are the people who produce this sort of language all freaks and weirdos? I suspect not. I suspect that they just learn to pretend that they understand this and that this kind of language is ‘academic’ and using it makes them somehow as clever as all the other people who can’t get an idea across without talking nonsense. We are of course paying for this stuff. I think its about telling people that things like smoking are bad for them. I think the idea is that the people at Sheffield Hallam University (that’s Sheffield Poly to you and me) will think of clever ‘industrialised’ ways of telling people that smoking is bad for them. You could just tell them I suppose but there are no middle class jobs in that.
The thing that makes me mad is that the spongers, timewasters, talkers, meeting junkies and verbal diarrhoea monkeys would all get very cross and defensive if you told them that they were a bunch of sponging layabouts being kept in jobs by the tax paid by the smokers crowding round the hospital gates. Can’t we pay people just to stay at home reading the Guardian? At least that way there’d be no-one who took ‘industrialising behaviour change’ loose on the streets.
At some point in the not too distant I will have to find a new job and the people with the jobs could be these self-same NHS freaks. What am I going to do?
A thing called the ‘Yorkshire and the Humber Public Health Workforce Advisory Group’ (i.e. a bunch of people who go to meetings) have analysed this and developed a ‘multi-partner approach with human resources at the core’. All very heartwarming I’m sure though anyone who has ever worked in a large organisation will know the value of HR (i.e. none at all). But anyway, I digress…It says “Language like ‘industrialisation’ has been used to describe this imperative. What this means is a large introduction and embedding of systematic approaches to commissioning and provision of services to facilitate and enable lifestyle and behaviour change”. Even better, ‘a behaviour change workforce competence framework’ has been commissioned from Sheffield Hallam University. Now we all know that nobody speaks like this. We also know that no-one in their right mind can read this stuff. So are the people who produce this sort of language all freaks and weirdos? I suspect not. I suspect that they just learn to pretend that they understand this and that this kind of language is ‘academic’ and using it makes them somehow as clever as all the other people who can’t get an idea across without talking nonsense. We are of course paying for this stuff. I think its about telling people that things like smoking are bad for them. I think the idea is that the people at Sheffield Hallam University (that’s Sheffield Poly to you and me) will think of clever ‘industrialised’ ways of telling people that smoking is bad for them. You could just tell them I suppose but there are no middle class jobs in that.
The thing that makes me mad is that the spongers, timewasters, talkers, meeting junkies and verbal diarrhoea monkeys would all get very cross and defensive if you told them that they were a bunch of sponging layabouts being kept in jobs by the tax paid by the smokers crowding round the hospital gates. Can’t we pay people just to stay at home reading the Guardian? At least that way there’d be no-one who took ‘industrialising behaviour change’ loose on the streets.
At some point in the not too distant I will have to find a new job and the people with the jobs could be these self-same NHS freaks. What am I going to do?
Mums
Never have anything to do with 'Mums'. They have Mamma Mia parties and go to see that bloke who used to be in Wet Wet Wet in cabaret in Skegness. This cannot be forgiven. There really is a limit to how Liberal you can be. Lines must be drawn. Get off with an old punk or Goth. Even if they are a Mum...
The last CD I bought
The last CD I bought was (wait for it…) ABBA Gold! I should explain though that this is not one of my guilty pleasures (of which there are a few…) but a present for an 8 year old. Mind you, I did feel like Alan Partridge. But I still know that Mamma Mia is the worst film ever. I know this from the advert on the side of buses. Nothing else needs to be said. I will not be going to see it (actually, it was on a while ago wasn’t it?) and I will treat any man (or any straight man at least) who went to see it with ridicule and distain whatever the excuse.
On a similar subject, that song by the Pussycat Girls or whatever definitely has the words in it that the 8 year olds think it has, namely 'I wanna have boobies'. Search on t'internet and it'll say 'groupies'. Nah.
I do find it reassuring though to find that pop music that I've always thought was written for 8 year olds is actually consumed by 8 year olds.
On a similar subject, that song by the Pussycat Girls or whatever definitely has the words in it that the 8 year olds think it has, namely 'I wanna have boobies'. Search on t'internet and it'll say 'groupies'. Nah.
I do find it reassuring though to find that pop music that I've always thought was written for 8 year olds is actually consumed by 8 year olds.
Comfort Cameras
Wilkinson's (the cheap shop that's just like Woollies used to be but with no pick 'n' mix or music section) have a notice that says customers are being watched by CCTV for their 'comfort and safety'. Could I just ask in what way am I made more comfortable by their CCTV?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
History changes before your eyes
Funny how history changes quickly. Gordon Brown was in Iraq recently congratulating British troops on overthrowing a dictatorship etc. He didn’t bother to add ‘sorry about the weapons of mass destruction we previously said you’d come here for lads’. It’s a rum old world eh?
In another example, when Nelson Mandela visited Leeds a few years back he said that he was very pleased to be 'in Liverpool' and a lot of the rest of what he had to say was lost because the sound system wasn't working. This will not be mentioned in the official records. Not that the mistake was a big deal - 'old bloke says wrong word shock' is not news. Mind you, I'm glad I was there...
In another example, when Nelson Mandela visited Leeds a few years back he said that he was very pleased to be 'in Liverpool' and a lot of the rest of what he had to say was lost because the sound system wasn't working. This will not be mentioned in the official records. Not that the mistake was a big deal - 'old bloke says wrong word shock' is not news. Mind you, I'm glad I was there...
Terrorists
This is a bit out of date now but If Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his ‘four co-defendents’ 'masterminded the September 11th attacks' then what is it exactly that Osama Bin Laden is wanted for? Just thought I’d ask…
More recently people have been getting very cross on discovering that human rights apply to unpleasant people who support terrorism. No doubt the Nazis got very cross discovering that some people thought human rights should apply to Jews. Presumably we should have human rights for 'nice people' and people you don't like can be banged up without trial before being deported to be tortured by dodgy foreign regimes.
More recently people have been getting very cross on discovering that human rights apply to unpleasant people who support terrorism. No doubt the Nazis got very cross discovering that some people thought human rights should apply to Jews. Presumably we should have human rights for 'nice people' and people you don't like can be banged up without trial before being deported to be tortured by dodgy foreign regimes.
Killing your children
We took a massive bag of popcorn to the cinema – cost £1.18 from the supermarket. Loads between three. Another family at the same cinema bought popcorn at the cinema for their 3 kids. This will have cost them approximately 12 quid – Mind you, each carton of popcorn was the size of the child’s head. I wanted to ask the parents when they last ate a portion of food the size of their head and what they thought the chances were of their children doing so – and next time could I buy them a bag of popcorn enough for three and pocket the £11 change.
It’s also worth mentioning that every item on the menu was an utter shite concoction of fat and sugar and flavourings.
Then it’s over to a restaurant where the adult menu is quite varied and once again the kiddie menu is chips and fried orange things. This is supposedly what kids eat. Ours pinches bits of our food because she gets bored of fried orange stuff with no variety (and she’s not exactly a health nut it has to be said.
So, if anyone whines about being told what to do by ‘health people’ it’s a good idea to bear in mind that the real conspiracy is being perpetrated by the outlets and producers of orange coated fat and sugar balls. Go out to eat and you’re virtually forced to buy this stuff (or starve the kids I suppose). Thing is I don’t want to go to the sushi and muesli bar with the middle class people, I want to go mainstream – I just don’t want mainstream food to be shit.
Note to self – it’s a mistake to try giving money to these idiots. Stay at home.
It’s also worth mentioning that every item on the menu was an utter shite concoction of fat and sugar and flavourings.
Then it’s over to a restaurant where the adult menu is quite varied and once again the kiddie menu is chips and fried orange things. This is supposedly what kids eat. Ours pinches bits of our food because she gets bored of fried orange stuff with no variety (and she’s not exactly a health nut it has to be said.
So, if anyone whines about being told what to do by ‘health people’ it’s a good idea to bear in mind that the real conspiracy is being perpetrated by the outlets and producers of orange coated fat and sugar balls. Go out to eat and you’re virtually forced to buy this stuff (or starve the kids I suppose). Thing is I don’t want to go to the sushi and muesli bar with the middle class people, I want to go mainstream – I just don’t want mainstream food to be shit.
Note to self – it’s a mistake to try giving money to these idiots. Stay at home.
The limits of helpful advice 2
On the bus there was a conspiracy of silence over a wet seat. A woman got on, sat down and quickly sprang up again saying ‘urrghh, this seat is all wet’. When someone else got on and went to sit in the same seat everyone remained silent. The possible reasons for this (in my head at least) are:
1. We thought the first woman was probably a bit mad and there was nothing wrong with the seat
2. The seat wasn’t really wet but perhaps just felt a bit cold or something, so the woman wasn’t mad but mistaken
3. We all really wanted to see a stranger get a wet bottom
4. We were all too embarrassed to say ‘excuse me, but I wouldn’t sit there if I were you as a women who has just moved from there thought it was wet
5. No-one understood what the woman had said
6. No-one was confident that if they did say anything it would be understood as you never know what languages might be understood on the 49 (there are a lot of ‘em – languages, not number 49s)
7. Everyone was expecting someone else to say something
8. Everyone thought the woman who had moved should take responsibility for telling everyone the seat was wet.
As for myself, I go for 4, 6, 7 and 8. Someone else did sit on the seat and didn’t say or do anything to indicate that the seat was wet. After they got off I gave it a feel – it was really quite wet. I left a Metro on it. Least I could do.
I begin to understand how those stories of people being murdered in public with everyone watching without doing anything work.
1. We thought the first woman was probably a bit mad and there was nothing wrong with the seat
2. The seat wasn’t really wet but perhaps just felt a bit cold or something, so the woman wasn’t mad but mistaken
3. We all really wanted to see a stranger get a wet bottom
4. We were all too embarrassed to say ‘excuse me, but I wouldn’t sit there if I were you as a women who has just moved from there thought it was wet
5. No-one understood what the woman had said
6. No-one was confident that if they did say anything it would be understood as you never know what languages might be understood on the 49 (there are a lot of ‘em – languages, not number 49s)
7. Everyone was expecting someone else to say something
8. Everyone thought the woman who had moved should take responsibility for telling everyone the seat was wet.
As for myself, I go for 4, 6, 7 and 8. Someone else did sit on the seat and didn’t say or do anything to indicate that the seat was wet. After they got off I gave it a feel – it was really quite wet. I left a Metro on it. Least I could do.
I begin to understand how those stories of people being murdered in public with everyone watching without doing anything work.
More changing room behaviour
One thing I do like to see at the swimming pool is the unselfconsciousness of changing room behaviour on reaching a ‘certain age’. The older man with a 2 foot long scrubbing brush for doing his back for instance, the liberal use of odd smelling talc and the lack of embarrassment about nudity should be encouraged I reckon.
In contrast a younger man stood in the shower with his legs about 4 feet apart (actually his feet I suppose rather than his legs...) and proceeded to wash his private parts by swinging them backwards and forwards. This is not to be encouraged.
In contrast a younger man stood in the shower with his legs about 4 feet apart (actually his feet I suppose rather than his legs...) and proceeded to wash his private parts by swinging them backwards and forwards. This is not to be encouraged.
The limits of helpful advice 1
Post Christmas and I've been back to the swimming pool. Early morning too - I’ve been swimming with the pensioners. This is considerably cheaper than swimming with dolphins, though unlike dolphins you do have to share a changing room.
First thing is a piece of advice…blokes over 65 please note: Tiny tiny tight trunks seldom look good on anyone… I also note the limits of my cheerful helpfulness (see also the bus seat story).
I was faced with an uncomfortable dilemma. Thing is, what can one say to an older gentleman drying himself in the changing room? How does one broach the subject of the soapy scrotum? The poorly rinsed foamy scrotum isn’t an easy subject to broach. Can you say ‘Excuse me mate, I wouldn’t put your pants on just yet as I’m pretty sure the back of your scrotum could do with a rinse, it’s still really soapy – might get a bit itchy later’? Maybe this man, being an older gentleman, would have seen enough of the world to not worry about this. But which way would he call it? Would he say ‘cheers mate, thanks for telling me, there’s not that many blokes who would be brave enough to mention a soapy scrotum to a stranger, you’ve really saved me a lot of uncomfortableness there’ or perhaps ‘thanks for mentioning it, but the thing is that dried soap suds protect it from drying out’. He might even have a young friend with a big cane inspecting his private parts post-swim as part of a kinky sex game. He may be embarrassed and give it a rinse and thereby lose his kinky punishment.
Of course I shall never know as I didn’t have the balls (or scrotum?) to say anything. What a wimp.
First thing is a piece of advice…blokes over 65 please note: Tiny tiny tight trunks seldom look good on anyone… I also note the limits of my cheerful helpfulness (see also the bus seat story).
I was faced with an uncomfortable dilemma. Thing is, what can one say to an older gentleman drying himself in the changing room? How does one broach the subject of the soapy scrotum? The poorly rinsed foamy scrotum isn’t an easy subject to broach. Can you say ‘Excuse me mate, I wouldn’t put your pants on just yet as I’m pretty sure the back of your scrotum could do with a rinse, it’s still really soapy – might get a bit itchy later’? Maybe this man, being an older gentleman, would have seen enough of the world to not worry about this. But which way would he call it? Would he say ‘cheers mate, thanks for telling me, there’s not that many blokes who would be brave enough to mention a soapy scrotum to a stranger, you’ve really saved me a lot of uncomfortableness there’ or perhaps ‘thanks for mentioning it, but the thing is that dried soap suds protect it from drying out’. He might even have a young friend with a big cane inspecting his private parts post-swim as part of a kinky sex game. He may be embarrassed and give it a rinse and thereby lose his kinky punishment.
Of course I shall never know as I didn’t have the balls (or scrotum?) to say anything. What a wimp.
Please do not add a W
The following arrived through work. I offer it up without further comment. Certainly no thought of adding a ‘W’ anywhere at all.
This is publicity for a ‘Self-assessment workshop’ on ‘Community Builders and Community Anchors’. For those of you playing 'bullshit bingo' I have put some words in italics. There are a few!
I quote:
“Community anchors are independent community led organisations. They are multi purpose and provide holistic solutions to local problems and challenges, bringing out the best in people and agencies. They are there for the long term and are often the driving force in community renewal.
A series of workshops is being delivered throughout Yorkshire & the Humber in the months up to March. They are funded by the Regional Empowerment Partnership and delivered by members of the regional Community Alliance team to enable organisations to identify for themselves whether or not they are community anchors”.
So there you go kids. If you hear a gaggle of people whooping and hollering in the street they may have been given the thumbs up by the Community Alliance Team and be out on the piss celebrating.
I know the situation in Gaza has been bad recently, but can you imagine the grief and pain if the Regional Empowerment Partnership should one day stop empowering us? Doesn’t bear thinking about does it?
This is publicity for a ‘Self-assessment workshop’ on ‘Community Builders and Community Anchors’. For those of you playing 'bullshit bingo' I have put some words in italics. There are a few!
I quote:
“Community anchors are independent community led organisations. They are multi purpose and provide holistic solutions to local problems and challenges, bringing out the best in people and agencies. They are there for the long term and are often the driving force in community renewal.
A series of workshops is being delivered throughout Yorkshire & the Humber in the months up to March. They are funded by the Regional Empowerment Partnership and delivered by members of the regional Community Alliance team to enable organisations to identify for themselves whether or not they are community anchors”.
So there you go kids. If you hear a gaggle of people whooping and hollering in the street they may have been given the thumbs up by the Community Alliance Team and be out on the piss celebrating.
I know the situation in Gaza has been bad recently, but can you imagine the grief and pain if the Regional Empowerment Partnership should one day stop empowering us? Doesn’t bear thinking about does it?
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