Who’d have thought that swimming pool showers and changing rooms would continue to produce new observations. Today’s is the simple statement that watching a small boy wee in the shower is actually not the funniest thing ever in the history of the world as his Dad and the bloke next to him seemed to think. Not that I’m particularly objecting I hasten to add, just not worth the belly laughs that’s all.
Then there's the bloke drying his bald head under the hand dryer in the same way one might if one had hair. Which he didn't. As he was bald.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
"Behaviour Change Workforce Competence Framework"!
Via work I receive a booklet (a proper, printed, full colour booklet mind) from ‘Yorkshire and the Humber NHS’ (the Humber being a river containing, so far as I know, no hospitals) about something called ‘Healthy Ambitions’.
A thing called the ‘Yorkshire and the Humber Public Health Workforce Advisory Group’ (i.e. a bunch of people who go to meetings) have analysed this and developed a ‘multi-partner approach with human resources at the core’. All very heartwarming I’m sure though anyone who has ever worked in a large organisation will know the value of HR (i.e. none at all). But anyway, I digress…It says “Language like ‘industrialisation’ has been used to describe this imperative. What this means is a large introduction and embedding of systematic approaches to commissioning and provision of services to facilitate and enable lifestyle and behaviour change”. Even better, ‘a behaviour change workforce competence framework’ has been commissioned from Sheffield Hallam University. Now we all know that nobody speaks like this. We also know that no-one in their right mind can read this stuff. So are the people who produce this sort of language all freaks and weirdos? I suspect not. I suspect that they just learn to pretend that they understand this and that this kind of language is ‘academic’ and using it makes them somehow as clever as all the other people who can’t get an idea across without talking nonsense. We are of course paying for this stuff. I think its about telling people that things like smoking are bad for them. I think the idea is that the people at Sheffield Hallam University (that’s Sheffield Poly to you and me) will think of clever ‘industrialised’ ways of telling people that smoking is bad for them. You could just tell them I suppose but there are no middle class jobs in that.
The thing that makes me mad is that the spongers, timewasters, talkers, meeting junkies and verbal diarrhoea monkeys would all get very cross and defensive if you told them that they were a bunch of sponging layabouts being kept in jobs by the tax paid by the smokers crowding round the hospital gates. Can’t we pay people just to stay at home reading the Guardian? At least that way there’d be no-one who took ‘industrialising behaviour change’ loose on the streets.
At some point in the not too distant I will have to find a new job and the people with the jobs could be these self-same NHS freaks. What am I going to do?
A thing called the ‘Yorkshire and the Humber Public Health Workforce Advisory Group’ (i.e. a bunch of people who go to meetings) have analysed this and developed a ‘multi-partner approach with human resources at the core’. All very heartwarming I’m sure though anyone who has ever worked in a large organisation will know the value of HR (i.e. none at all). But anyway, I digress…It says “Language like ‘industrialisation’ has been used to describe this imperative. What this means is a large introduction and embedding of systematic approaches to commissioning and provision of services to facilitate and enable lifestyle and behaviour change”. Even better, ‘a behaviour change workforce competence framework’ has been commissioned from Sheffield Hallam University. Now we all know that nobody speaks like this. We also know that no-one in their right mind can read this stuff. So are the people who produce this sort of language all freaks and weirdos? I suspect not. I suspect that they just learn to pretend that they understand this and that this kind of language is ‘academic’ and using it makes them somehow as clever as all the other people who can’t get an idea across without talking nonsense. We are of course paying for this stuff. I think its about telling people that things like smoking are bad for them. I think the idea is that the people at Sheffield Hallam University (that’s Sheffield Poly to you and me) will think of clever ‘industrialised’ ways of telling people that smoking is bad for them. You could just tell them I suppose but there are no middle class jobs in that.
The thing that makes me mad is that the spongers, timewasters, talkers, meeting junkies and verbal diarrhoea monkeys would all get very cross and defensive if you told them that they were a bunch of sponging layabouts being kept in jobs by the tax paid by the smokers crowding round the hospital gates. Can’t we pay people just to stay at home reading the Guardian? At least that way there’d be no-one who took ‘industrialising behaviour change’ loose on the streets.
At some point in the not too distant I will have to find a new job and the people with the jobs could be these self-same NHS freaks. What am I going to do?
Mums
Never have anything to do with 'Mums'. They have Mamma Mia parties and go to see that bloke who used to be in Wet Wet Wet in cabaret in Skegness. This cannot be forgiven. There really is a limit to how Liberal you can be. Lines must be drawn. Get off with an old punk or Goth. Even if they are a Mum...
The last CD I bought
The last CD I bought was (wait for it…) ABBA Gold! I should explain though that this is not one of my guilty pleasures (of which there are a few…) but a present for an 8 year old. Mind you, I did feel like Alan Partridge. But I still know that Mamma Mia is the worst film ever. I know this from the advert on the side of buses. Nothing else needs to be said. I will not be going to see it (actually, it was on a while ago wasn’t it?) and I will treat any man (or any straight man at least) who went to see it with ridicule and distain whatever the excuse.
On a similar subject, that song by the Pussycat Girls or whatever definitely has the words in it that the 8 year olds think it has, namely 'I wanna have boobies'. Search on t'internet and it'll say 'groupies'. Nah.
I do find it reassuring though to find that pop music that I've always thought was written for 8 year olds is actually consumed by 8 year olds.
On a similar subject, that song by the Pussycat Girls or whatever definitely has the words in it that the 8 year olds think it has, namely 'I wanna have boobies'. Search on t'internet and it'll say 'groupies'. Nah.
I do find it reassuring though to find that pop music that I've always thought was written for 8 year olds is actually consumed by 8 year olds.
Comfort Cameras
Wilkinson's (the cheap shop that's just like Woollies used to be but with no pick 'n' mix or music section) have a notice that says customers are being watched by CCTV for their 'comfort and safety'. Could I just ask in what way am I made more comfortable by their CCTV?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
History changes before your eyes
Funny how history changes quickly. Gordon Brown was in Iraq recently congratulating British troops on overthrowing a dictatorship etc. He didn’t bother to add ‘sorry about the weapons of mass destruction we previously said you’d come here for lads’. It’s a rum old world eh?
In another example, when Nelson Mandela visited Leeds a few years back he said that he was very pleased to be 'in Liverpool' and a lot of the rest of what he had to say was lost because the sound system wasn't working. This will not be mentioned in the official records. Not that the mistake was a big deal - 'old bloke says wrong word shock' is not news. Mind you, I'm glad I was there...
In another example, when Nelson Mandela visited Leeds a few years back he said that he was very pleased to be 'in Liverpool' and a lot of the rest of what he had to say was lost because the sound system wasn't working. This will not be mentioned in the official records. Not that the mistake was a big deal - 'old bloke says wrong word shock' is not news. Mind you, I'm glad I was there...
Terrorists
This is a bit out of date now but If Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his ‘four co-defendents’ 'masterminded the September 11th attacks' then what is it exactly that Osama Bin Laden is wanted for? Just thought I’d ask…
More recently people have been getting very cross on discovering that human rights apply to unpleasant people who support terrorism. No doubt the Nazis got very cross discovering that some people thought human rights should apply to Jews. Presumably we should have human rights for 'nice people' and people you don't like can be banged up without trial before being deported to be tortured by dodgy foreign regimes.
More recently people have been getting very cross on discovering that human rights apply to unpleasant people who support terrorism. No doubt the Nazis got very cross discovering that some people thought human rights should apply to Jews. Presumably we should have human rights for 'nice people' and people you don't like can be banged up without trial before being deported to be tortured by dodgy foreign regimes.
Killing your children
We took a massive bag of popcorn to the cinema – cost £1.18 from the supermarket. Loads between three. Another family at the same cinema bought popcorn at the cinema for their 3 kids. This will have cost them approximately 12 quid – Mind you, each carton of popcorn was the size of the child’s head. I wanted to ask the parents when they last ate a portion of food the size of their head and what they thought the chances were of their children doing so – and next time could I buy them a bag of popcorn enough for three and pocket the £11 change.
It’s also worth mentioning that every item on the menu was an utter shite concoction of fat and sugar and flavourings.
Then it’s over to a restaurant where the adult menu is quite varied and once again the kiddie menu is chips and fried orange things. This is supposedly what kids eat. Ours pinches bits of our food because she gets bored of fried orange stuff with no variety (and she’s not exactly a health nut it has to be said.
So, if anyone whines about being told what to do by ‘health people’ it’s a good idea to bear in mind that the real conspiracy is being perpetrated by the outlets and producers of orange coated fat and sugar balls. Go out to eat and you’re virtually forced to buy this stuff (or starve the kids I suppose). Thing is I don’t want to go to the sushi and muesli bar with the middle class people, I want to go mainstream – I just don’t want mainstream food to be shit.
Note to self – it’s a mistake to try giving money to these idiots. Stay at home.
It’s also worth mentioning that every item on the menu was an utter shite concoction of fat and sugar and flavourings.
Then it’s over to a restaurant where the adult menu is quite varied and once again the kiddie menu is chips and fried orange things. This is supposedly what kids eat. Ours pinches bits of our food because she gets bored of fried orange stuff with no variety (and she’s not exactly a health nut it has to be said.
So, if anyone whines about being told what to do by ‘health people’ it’s a good idea to bear in mind that the real conspiracy is being perpetrated by the outlets and producers of orange coated fat and sugar balls. Go out to eat and you’re virtually forced to buy this stuff (or starve the kids I suppose). Thing is I don’t want to go to the sushi and muesli bar with the middle class people, I want to go mainstream – I just don’t want mainstream food to be shit.
Note to self – it’s a mistake to try giving money to these idiots. Stay at home.
The limits of helpful advice 2
On the bus there was a conspiracy of silence over a wet seat. A woman got on, sat down and quickly sprang up again saying ‘urrghh, this seat is all wet’. When someone else got on and went to sit in the same seat everyone remained silent. The possible reasons for this (in my head at least) are:
1. We thought the first woman was probably a bit mad and there was nothing wrong with the seat
2. The seat wasn’t really wet but perhaps just felt a bit cold or something, so the woman wasn’t mad but mistaken
3. We all really wanted to see a stranger get a wet bottom
4. We were all too embarrassed to say ‘excuse me, but I wouldn’t sit there if I were you as a women who has just moved from there thought it was wet
5. No-one understood what the woman had said
6. No-one was confident that if they did say anything it would be understood as you never know what languages might be understood on the 49 (there are a lot of ‘em – languages, not number 49s)
7. Everyone was expecting someone else to say something
8. Everyone thought the woman who had moved should take responsibility for telling everyone the seat was wet.
As for myself, I go for 4, 6, 7 and 8. Someone else did sit on the seat and didn’t say or do anything to indicate that the seat was wet. After they got off I gave it a feel – it was really quite wet. I left a Metro on it. Least I could do.
I begin to understand how those stories of people being murdered in public with everyone watching without doing anything work.
1. We thought the first woman was probably a bit mad and there was nothing wrong with the seat
2. The seat wasn’t really wet but perhaps just felt a bit cold or something, so the woman wasn’t mad but mistaken
3. We all really wanted to see a stranger get a wet bottom
4. We were all too embarrassed to say ‘excuse me, but I wouldn’t sit there if I were you as a women who has just moved from there thought it was wet
5. No-one understood what the woman had said
6. No-one was confident that if they did say anything it would be understood as you never know what languages might be understood on the 49 (there are a lot of ‘em – languages, not number 49s)
7. Everyone was expecting someone else to say something
8. Everyone thought the woman who had moved should take responsibility for telling everyone the seat was wet.
As for myself, I go for 4, 6, 7 and 8. Someone else did sit on the seat and didn’t say or do anything to indicate that the seat was wet. After they got off I gave it a feel – it was really quite wet. I left a Metro on it. Least I could do.
I begin to understand how those stories of people being murdered in public with everyone watching without doing anything work.
More changing room behaviour
One thing I do like to see at the swimming pool is the unselfconsciousness of changing room behaviour on reaching a ‘certain age’. The older man with a 2 foot long scrubbing brush for doing his back for instance, the liberal use of odd smelling talc and the lack of embarrassment about nudity should be encouraged I reckon.
In contrast a younger man stood in the shower with his legs about 4 feet apart (actually his feet I suppose rather than his legs...) and proceeded to wash his private parts by swinging them backwards and forwards. This is not to be encouraged.
In contrast a younger man stood in the shower with his legs about 4 feet apart (actually his feet I suppose rather than his legs...) and proceeded to wash his private parts by swinging them backwards and forwards. This is not to be encouraged.
The limits of helpful advice 1
Post Christmas and I've been back to the swimming pool. Early morning too - I’ve been swimming with the pensioners. This is considerably cheaper than swimming with dolphins, though unlike dolphins you do have to share a changing room.
First thing is a piece of advice…blokes over 65 please note: Tiny tiny tight trunks seldom look good on anyone… I also note the limits of my cheerful helpfulness (see also the bus seat story).
I was faced with an uncomfortable dilemma. Thing is, what can one say to an older gentleman drying himself in the changing room? How does one broach the subject of the soapy scrotum? The poorly rinsed foamy scrotum isn’t an easy subject to broach. Can you say ‘Excuse me mate, I wouldn’t put your pants on just yet as I’m pretty sure the back of your scrotum could do with a rinse, it’s still really soapy – might get a bit itchy later’? Maybe this man, being an older gentleman, would have seen enough of the world to not worry about this. But which way would he call it? Would he say ‘cheers mate, thanks for telling me, there’s not that many blokes who would be brave enough to mention a soapy scrotum to a stranger, you’ve really saved me a lot of uncomfortableness there’ or perhaps ‘thanks for mentioning it, but the thing is that dried soap suds protect it from drying out’. He might even have a young friend with a big cane inspecting his private parts post-swim as part of a kinky sex game. He may be embarrassed and give it a rinse and thereby lose his kinky punishment.
Of course I shall never know as I didn’t have the balls (or scrotum?) to say anything. What a wimp.
First thing is a piece of advice…blokes over 65 please note: Tiny tiny tight trunks seldom look good on anyone… I also note the limits of my cheerful helpfulness (see also the bus seat story).
I was faced with an uncomfortable dilemma. Thing is, what can one say to an older gentleman drying himself in the changing room? How does one broach the subject of the soapy scrotum? The poorly rinsed foamy scrotum isn’t an easy subject to broach. Can you say ‘Excuse me mate, I wouldn’t put your pants on just yet as I’m pretty sure the back of your scrotum could do with a rinse, it’s still really soapy – might get a bit itchy later’? Maybe this man, being an older gentleman, would have seen enough of the world to not worry about this. But which way would he call it? Would he say ‘cheers mate, thanks for telling me, there’s not that many blokes who would be brave enough to mention a soapy scrotum to a stranger, you’ve really saved me a lot of uncomfortableness there’ or perhaps ‘thanks for mentioning it, but the thing is that dried soap suds protect it from drying out’. He might even have a young friend with a big cane inspecting his private parts post-swim as part of a kinky sex game. He may be embarrassed and give it a rinse and thereby lose his kinky punishment.
Of course I shall never know as I didn’t have the balls (or scrotum?) to say anything. What a wimp.
Please do not add a W
The following arrived through work. I offer it up without further comment. Certainly no thought of adding a ‘W’ anywhere at all.
This is publicity for a ‘Self-assessment workshop’ on ‘Community Builders and Community Anchors’. For those of you playing 'bullshit bingo' I have put some words in italics. There are a few!
I quote:
“Community anchors are independent community led organisations. They are multi purpose and provide holistic solutions to local problems and challenges, bringing out the best in people and agencies. They are there for the long term and are often the driving force in community renewal.
A series of workshops is being delivered throughout Yorkshire & the Humber in the months up to March. They are funded by the Regional Empowerment Partnership and delivered by members of the regional Community Alliance team to enable organisations to identify for themselves whether or not they are community anchors”.
So there you go kids. If you hear a gaggle of people whooping and hollering in the street they may have been given the thumbs up by the Community Alliance Team and be out on the piss celebrating.
I know the situation in Gaza has been bad recently, but can you imagine the grief and pain if the Regional Empowerment Partnership should one day stop empowering us? Doesn’t bear thinking about does it?
This is publicity for a ‘Self-assessment workshop’ on ‘Community Builders and Community Anchors’. For those of you playing 'bullshit bingo' I have put some words in italics. There are a few!
I quote:
“Community anchors are independent community led organisations. They are multi purpose and provide holistic solutions to local problems and challenges, bringing out the best in people and agencies. They are there for the long term and are often the driving force in community renewal.
A series of workshops is being delivered throughout Yorkshire & the Humber in the months up to March. They are funded by the Regional Empowerment Partnership and delivered by members of the regional Community Alliance team to enable organisations to identify for themselves whether or not they are community anchors”.
So there you go kids. If you hear a gaggle of people whooping and hollering in the street they may have been given the thumbs up by the Community Alliance Team and be out on the piss celebrating.
I know the situation in Gaza has been bad recently, but can you imagine the grief and pain if the Regional Empowerment Partnership should one day stop empowering us? Doesn’t bear thinking about does it?
Friday, January 23, 2009
More prices
Thought we’d go to the pictures recently but as it was school holidays and coming up to Christmas we thought it’d be a good idea to book in advance. So I go to the ‘myvue’ website and follow the links.
Now at the cinema itself they pay someone to take money, so you might assume that they would pay someone to take a card payment on-line (not even a credit card, just a debit card by the way). Or maybe they’ll give you a discount because they can just let the computer take the payment. Or the fatheads can wind you up by trying to charge extra for saving their time and using up yours instead. £1.80 extra to be precise!
So, having decided that I do not give companies extra money simply to save them time (and money - the tickets are expensive enough) I thought I'd phone instead. Luckily they have a telephone number on the website. I’m a bit suspicious that it might be an expensive phone number but I call anyway. I eventually get through to a real person (result!). They ask me if I’ve thought of booking on-line. I say I have but I was put off by the £1.80 charge. I give them all the details of the film and the time its on etc. and they tell me how much it’s going to cost.
It sounds a lot so I say 'that sounds a lot is that right'? They then have some news for me – it’s going to cost £2.70 extra for them to sell me 3 tickets over the phone. I rapidly end the conversation ('I'm afraid I'm going to have to put the phone down now'). I add myvue and their stupid name to my hate list.
Why is it that any businesses connected with ‘entertainment’ think they can simply add money to the bill just for selling you stuff (yes, I am thinking of the infamous 'booking fee'). You wouldn’t take a Mars bar to a shop counter and expect the shop to charge you 50p for the Mars bar and another 10p for selling it to you, so why do myvue do it? To extort more money from you for the already overpriced tickets of course. However, due to ‘free market economics’ (the system that stifles competition) myvue have a virtual monopoly on cinemas in Leeds so its not easy to just go somewhere else.
Could I also just mention their automated phone system which can’t differentiate between their two cinemas in Leeds. They obviously have some sort of voice recognition software. 'Leeds the Light' and 'Leeds Kirkstall' obviously sound the same to it.
So, I suggest avoiding 'myvue' and their stupid name if at all possible.
Now at the cinema itself they pay someone to take money, so you might assume that they would pay someone to take a card payment on-line (not even a credit card, just a debit card by the way). Or maybe they’ll give you a discount because they can just let the computer take the payment. Or the fatheads can wind you up by trying to charge extra for saving their time and using up yours instead. £1.80 extra to be precise!
So, having decided that I do not give companies extra money simply to save them time (and money - the tickets are expensive enough) I thought I'd phone instead. Luckily they have a telephone number on the website. I’m a bit suspicious that it might be an expensive phone number but I call anyway. I eventually get through to a real person (result!). They ask me if I’ve thought of booking on-line. I say I have but I was put off by the £1.80 charge. I give them all the details of the film and the time its on etc. and they tell me how much it’s going to cost.
It sounds a lot so I say 'that sounds a lot is that right'? They then have some news for me – it’s going to cost £2.70 extra for them to sell me 3 tickets over the phone. I rapidly end the conversation ('I'm afraid I'm going to have to put the phone down now'). I add myvue and their stupid name to my hate list.
Why is it that any businesses connected with ‘entertainment’ think they can simply add money to the bill just for selling you stuff (yes, I am thinking of the infamous 'booking fee'). You wouldn’t take a Mars bar to a shop counter and expect the shop to charge you 50p for the Mars bar and another 10p for selling it to you, so why do myvue do it? To extort more money from you for the already overpriced tickets of course. However, due to ‘free market economics’ (the system that stifles competition) myvue have a virtual monopoly on cinemas in Leeds so its not easy to just go somewhere else.
Could I also just mention their automated phone system which can’t differentiate between their two cinemas in Leeds. They obviously have some sort of voice recognition software. 'Leeds the Light' and 'Leeds Kirkstall' obviously sound the same to it.
So, I suggest avoiding 'myvue' and their stupid name if at all possible.
Even He's at it!
I watched the Barack Obama inauguration speech (in bits) on youtube. The comments people leave. Oh dear - Illiterate weirdness that you’d scarcely believe. Not particularly racist or whatever, just weird. And badly miss-spelled. Like most liberal pinko nancies I actually feel that the world grew up a bit by electing him. In fact someone called it a ‘man on the moon moment’ – when America did something for itself that was probably at least as significant for the world as a whole. So there. Let’s have a moment of positivity or positiveness or whatever the word would be to us illiterates.
Having said that, I then I had an argument about whether he used an autocue (I’m pretty sure he did) and whether the speech was written by a speechwriter (I think it was). Oddly enough I take this as just reality rather than just a cheat. So there - again. Then he ordered the closure of secret ‘interrogation centres’. They can’t have been that secret I suppose. Governments do get away with a staggering amount of hypocrisy though don't they? - lecturing the Chinese or whoever on 'human rights abuses'. What is this thing that governments do that normal people wouldn't dream of doing? Politicians are disfunctional weirdos I suppose - but so are proper rock stars and they're great!
Having said that, I then I had an argument about whether he used an autocue (I’m pretty sure he did) and whether the speech was written by a speechwriter (I think it was). Oddly enough I take this as just reality rather than just a cheat. So there - again. Then he ordered the closure of secret ‘interrogation centres’. They can’t have been that secret I suppose. Governments do get away with a staggering amount of hypocrisy though don't they? - lecturing the Chinese or whoever on 'human rights abuses'. What is this thing that governments do that normal people wouldn't dream of doing? Politicians are disfunctional weirdos I suppose - but so are proper rock stars and they're great!
Rapping Wrapping
There are a couple of birthdays coming up. I went into a card shop. I bought 2 cards (folded pieces of thick paper with some printing on. £2.79 each) and thought I’d buy some wrapping paper. So how much does a piece of coloured silvery paper about 2 feet square cost? £1.25! That’s one pound and 25 pence. What is the maximum I would pay I wonder? I reckon 20p would be OK though 30-35p might do. If pushed and it was really important and I’d run out of time then I might pay 60-70p. This would really piss me off though. However, I’ll rather see Clinton Cards and their unfriendly staff burn in rip-off Hell before I’ll give them £1.25 for a small piece of pink shiny paper.
So if you get a package from me covered with Izal medicated you'll know why. Or I might go down the market.
There's a chocolate shop in town 'the Chocolate Dog Hotel' or something - could be 'otel de Chien chocolate' or something. I think they're in league with 'Lush' across the road. Both cater for the same sort of customers I suspect. The sort of people who can be conned into thinking that packaging and / or an 'original name' makes it worth spending a benefit claimant's weekly subsistence money on a few choccies - or more bizarrely some bits of soap made to smell and look like choccies. In fact everything in lush is designed to look like you can eat it - but it's actually for washing the sweat out of your pubes. Or perhaps my use of soap for kind of like, 'keeping clean' is dreadfully old fashioned. Roll on a big recession eh?! Toodle pip...
So if you get a package from me covered with Izal medicated you'll know why. Or I might go down the market.
There's a chocolate shop in town 'the Chocolate Dog Hotel' or something - could be 'otel de Chien chocolate' or something. I think they're in league with 'Lush' across the road. Both cater for the same sort of customers I suspect. The sort of people who can be conned into thinking that packaging and / or an 'original name' makes it worth spending a benefit claimant's weekly subsistence money on a few choccies - or more bizarrely some bits of soap made to smell and look like choccies. In fact everything in lush is designed to look like you can eat it - but it's actually for washing the sweat out of your pubes. Or perhaps my use of soap for kind of like, 'keeping clean' is dreadfully old fashioned. Roll on a big recession eh?! Toodle pip...
Note to drivers of the number 88 bus
Dear number 88 bus drivers in Leeds, please note the following:
Those little red window-ey house things at the side of the road with a little pole next to them are bus shelters. This is where buses stop to pick up passengers. The bus is the thing you're paid to drive. If you see a person holding their arm out into the road as you drive past, this is likely to be someone who wants to 'catch' the bus. That means that that person or 'passenger' wants to get on the bus. They are also known as 'the poor sod who pays your fucking wages'.
Please also note that different buses have different 'routes'. That means they drive along different roads in a different order. This in turn means that even if there's a bus already at the stop you're passing, not everyone standing there waving their arms at you will want to get on the bus that's at the stop already. They may wish to get on the bus you're driving. If it looks like they're waving at you they may really be waving at you - yes you! Driving the bus. They may want you to stop the bus you're driving so they can get on it or 'catch' your bus. It may even be that your bus only runs once every half an hour. This means that if you ignore the people at the stop and carry on driving past the stop quite fast they'll think you're a FUCKING MORON BUS DRIVER WHO'S TOO STUPID OR JUST TOO MUCH OF A BASTARD TO STOP AND PICK PEOPLE UP!!!
Those little red window-ey house things at the side of the road with a little pole next to them are bus shelters. This is where buses stop to pick up passengers. The bus is the thing you're paid to drive. If you see a person holding their arm out into the road as you drive past, this is likely to be someone who wants to 'catch' the bus. That means that that person or 'passenger' wants to get on the bus. They are also known as 'the poor sod who pays your fucking wages'.
Please also note that different buses have different 'routes'. That means they drive along different roads in a different order. This in turn means that even if there's a bus already at the stop you're passing, not everyone standing there waving their arms at you will want to get on the bus that's at the stop already. They may wish to get on the bus you're driving. If it looks like they're waving at you they may really be waving at you - yes you! Driving the bus. They may want you to stop the bus you're driving so they can get on it or 'catch' your bus. It may even be that your bus only runs once every half an hour. This means that if you ignore the people at the stop and carry on driving past the stop quite fast they'll think you're a FUCKING MORON BUS DRIVER WHO'S TOO STUPID OR JUST TOO MUCH OF A BASTARD TO STOP AND PICK PEOPLE UP!!!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I love you, you love me
I saw Barney the big purple gay dinosaur! At Butlins! In a show! For free! (apart from the £400 for the weekend) OK, now you may think it was just some poor sap in a suit dancing around to some horrible corporate trademarked to death tape, but I still say I SAW BARNEY THE DINOSAUR! And he's as shit in real life as he is on the telly. So there.
Mind you, Chico from X Factor was on too. No idea who he is but he said that he's played Wembley and all kinds of places but Bognor was his favourite. Course it is. Panto in Skeggie next year then £200 from Chat magazine in a couple of years for a confessional piece about his boob job and alcoholism. Then back to the panel beating or whatever. Makes me feel quite famous.
And there was a panto too. Oh no there wasn't. No, really there was.
There were also shows involving redcoats. You could catch one while walking past in the morning at 10am and find the same people still on stage at 8pm when you walked past again. I wonder whether being a redcoat helps your CV for your big career as a kids TV presenter on cable having photos taken in your pants for lads mags?
Mind you, Chico from X Factor was on too. No idea who he is but he said that he's played Wembley and all kinds of places but Bognor was his favourite. Course it is. Panto in Skeggie next year then £200 from Chat magazine in a couple of years for a confessional piece about his boob job and alcoholism. Then back to the panel beating or whatever. Makes me feel quite famous.
And there was a panto too. Oh no there wasn't. No, really there was.
There were also shows involving redcoats. You could catch one while walking past in the morning at 10am and find the same people still on stage at 8pm when you walked past again. I wonder whether being a redcoat helps your CV for your big career as a kids TV presenter on cable having photos taken in your pants for lads mags?
A money making machine
Butlins (in Bognor, though I guess its the same everywhere) has a big top like tent affair that you can see for miles around. In this is a massive money making machine. Every ten paces is an opportunity to spend. So, buy a hot chocolate and marshmallows before paying £4 to have your face painted, another three to have your photo taken in a booth before going on the bandits on the way to the bowling just past Burger King (I fondly hope there's a Muslim dress shop for women called Burkha King but I suspect that's wishful thinking). There's the sweetshop (and 100% of the items on sale are 100% sugar apart from the colouring) and the pool tables and the bar and Costa Coffee (the only one I've been to where they give you milk in those little containers which I found out relatively recently are called 'jiggers's, a piece of information I'm still not sure whether to quite believe). They have a toy shop a 'designer outlet' (another modern euphamism for shop, 'store' being the one I hate most for being the most often used) and even a recording studio - record your own Karaoke nightmare from £35.
Oh, and you can pay £8 to have your photo taken with an animatronic polar bear. But you'd guessed that too I guess.
Oh, and you can pay £8 to have your photo taken with an animatronic polar bear. But you'd guessed that too I guess.
Velcome to Butlitz
I was upset by several things at Butlins in Bognor as those of you who know me may have guessed. First up was the security tag. Yup, that's right, when you check in you are issued with a wrist band which you are expected to put on and not take off for the duration of your stay. When you do take it off it has to be cut off with scissors. This is, of course, for 'security reasons'. What they actually mean is that they want to spot people sneaking in for free gos on the merry go round that comes with the ironically titled £70 'freedom pass'. Shades of the ID card of course. There is a difference in that no-one is forced to stay at Butlins (except the spineless types like me) and the tag doesn't seem to have any electronics in it. Still a bit weird though, tagging your customers.
I also noticed that they say that Redcoats are specifically chosen for their 'sunny personalities' (or, as I interpret it, 'we only employ halfwits'). Slightly annoyingly by the end of a few days I felt I'd mellowed. The staff actually seemed keen to help and friendly, loathe as I am to admit it. There were also enought staff about and they seemed to have procedures to deal with things. And the hotel was good in lots of ways too. Expensive though - and you wouldn't believe how full the place was.
I also noticed that they say that Redcoats are specifically chosen for their 'sunny personalities' (or, as I interpret it, 'we only employ halfwits'). Slightly annoyingly by the end of a few days I felt I'd mellowed. The staff actually seemed keen to help and friendly, loathe as I am to admit it. There were also enought staff about and they seemed to have procedures to deal with things. And the hotel was good in lots of ways too. Expensive though - and you wouldn't believe how full the place was.
Bloody Bognor
I'd never been to Bognor Regis before. Turns out it has a shopping street almost identical to Castleford, Scunthorpe and well, you know, almost everywhere else. I thought it might be a bit different. Disappointed. Top model shop though. My growing urge for a train set was done no good at all.
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