I go down to the kitchen to discover a copy of ‘The Pooh Cook Book’ on the work surface.
I’m appalled - Are there no depths to which some people will not stoop?…
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Even more deeply in love with the insurance industry
I receive a personally addressed postcard from the insurance company (my favourite kind of people as you’ll know if you read this stuff). It says ‘We’ve missed you…and your home. We’d love to look after your home again – come back to Co-operative insurance and not only could you save money but we also offer a great range of benefits your current insurer may not.’
So, first of all, here’s another example of that fake advertising matey-ness I loathe so much. I’d hazard a guess (and this is just a guess mind) that they haven’t missed me and they don’t miss my ‘home’ (which I call my house). What with one thing and another, I hadn’t thought about them in ages, that’s for sure.
They say they want to ‘look after’ my home. So are they going to come round and watch for burglars, try the doors at night to check they’re locked and make sure the cooker is turned off – and perhaps run a sponge round the bath once in a while? A moot point. I’ll let you make up your own mind.
My third point is the one about ‘coming back ‘to them. Thing is I didn’t know I’d left. I thought they were taking money every month and were already ‘looking after’ my ‘home’. They have my address because I have a policy with them.
I rang them to ask, because previously the policy was cancelled by accident (ironically…) They wouldn’t talk to me at first. They assumed I was only the 'named driver' on a car insurance policy and not the policy holder so they couldn't talk to me. What!?
I’d started the call by reading out the first few lines of the card – all that ‘we’ve missed your home’ stuff. Obviously easy to confuse with ‘hi, I’m the named driver on a motor insurance policy’. So...after explaining that I wasn't asking about car insurance and that the named driver stuff was irrelevant they finally checked the house insurance and I am still paying.
They didn’t have a ready answer as to why they’d sent a card saying they want me back. It’s ‘advertising’ apparently and I should ignore it.
So, 'let’s have three cheers for matey bullshit, inaccuracy, not listening and of course for advertising. And this is the Co-op who I’m let to believe are a bit better than some. What can you do short of arson attacks?
So, first of all, here’s another example of that fake advertising matey-ness I loathe so much. I’d hazard a guess (and this is just a guess mind) that they haven’t missed me and they don’t miss my ‘home’ (which I call my house). What with one thing and another, I hadn’t thought about them in ages, that’s for sure.
They say they want to ‘look after’ my home. So are they going to come round and watch for burglars, try the doors at night to check they’re locked and make sure the cooker is turned off – and perhaps run a sponge round the bath once in a while? A moot point. I’ll let you make up your own mind.
My third point is the one about ‘coming back ‘to them. Thing is I didn’t know I’d left. I thought they were taking money every month and were already ‘looking after’ my ‘home’. They have my address because I have a policy with them.
I rang them to ask, because previously the policy was cancelled by accident (ironically…) They wouldn’t talk to me at first. They assumed I was only the 'named driver' on a car insurance policy and not the policy holder so they couldn't talk to me. What!?
I’d started the call by reading out the first few lines of the card – all that ‘we’ve missed your home’ stuff. Obviously easy to confuse with ‘hi, I’m the named driver on a motor insurance policy’. So...after explaining that I wasn't asking about car insurance and that the named driver stuff was irrelevant they finally checked the house insurance and I am still paying.
They didn’t have a ready answer as to why they’d sent a card saying they want me back. It’s ‘advertising’ apparently and I should ignore it.
So, 'let’s have three cheers for matey bullshit, inaccuracy, not listening and of course for advertising. And this is the Co-op who I’m let to believe are a bit better than some. What can you do short of arson attacks?
Choclate spread
Nutella chocolate spread (as you and I and the world call it - or ‘Hazelnut spread’ as it calls itself on the label) is ‘packed with over 50 hazelnuts, a glass of skimmed milk and a little cocoa’.
Wow, sounds like it's really healthy then? The ingredients, listed by volume or weight I assume, are: 1. Sugar. 2. Vegetable oil.
Yum. Hurray for marketing once more!
Wow, sounds like it's really healthy then? The ingredients, listed by volume or weight I assume, are: 1. Sugar. 2. Vegetable oil.
Yum. Hurray for marketing once more!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
'Journalists' possibly
Our journalist friends on the Metro paper (the free on the bus one) announce in a massive Iraq based headline ‘Girl of 8 used as suicide bomber’. Shocking stuff obviously. Then in paragraph 7 they let slip that the Americans ‘later gave the age of the girl as between 16 and 18’.
So following the same approach here's a couple of stories from me...
My mate Bob went out last weekend and ended up having sex with a 9 year old. Did I say 9? Sorry, I meant 18.
I had sex with a 100 year old woman. Did I say 100? No, actually she was 40. Something like that anyway. I was drinking 12 year old whiskey – or was it 6 months old?
Still, no point in spoiling a good headline eh?
Mind you, it wasn’t long ago that the Metro 'writer' was talking about ‘RAF jets’ bombing Germany in the 1940’s. Another interesting one…I expect they get paid more than me too.
Anyway, the point is that when reporting, details matter, accuracy matters. Don't let them get away with it!
So following the same approach here's a couple of stories from me...
My mate Bob went out last weekend and ended up having sex with a 9 year old. Did I say 9? Sorry, I meant 18.
I had sex with a 100 year old woman. Did I say 100? No, actually she was 40. Something like that anyway. I was drinking 12 year old whiskey – or was it 6 months old?
Still, no point in spoiling a good headline eh?
Mind you, it wasn’t long ago that the Metro 'writer' was talking about ‘RAF jets’ bombing Germany in the 1940’s. Another interesting one…I expect they get paid more than me too.
Anyway, the point is that when reporting, details matter, accuracy matters. Don't let them get away with it!
Net Nannies
I’ve been reminded of net nannies (I don't know why, I just have, OK?). While working for Leeds City Council it became clear that some emails were being ‘delayed’ so somebody somewhere could check them out ‘for content’. The net result (top pun there) was that my fellow band members and ‘top mates’ generally would send me emails containing individual specially selected rude words to see what would be allowed. They would then follow this up with messages such as “‘wanker’ got through here no problem, did you get my ‘twat’”? In addition to that, legitimate emails wouldn’t get though because they mentioned ‘sex’ or ‘drugs’ or whatever. Being connected to the Youth Service was always going to be good on that score what with Drug Action Teams and anti teen sex projects and the like - I should say that I meant anti teen-sex and not anti-teen sex projects. I don’t want to imagine what one of those would be.
I ended up composing emails solely for the person whose responsibility it was to check them. I'd ask them who they were and what they thought they were doing, how it was justified and their qualifications for the job. I never got a reply, mind.
I ended up composing emails solely for the person whose responsibility it was to check them. I'd ask them who they were and what they thought they were doing, how it was justified and their qualifications for the job. I never got a reply, mind.
Small musing on 'going private'
I’ve just ‘gone private’ for me teeth. Paid for by the NHS actually, but it was off to the private hospital in Methley. They mainly do cosmetic surgery. Lots of scope for jokes there of course. I rather hoped I could play ‘spot the boob job’ in the waiting room. Thought I might 'pair up' the boob enlargements with the boob reductions. You know, get them chatting and see if they could do some sort of swap to save on materials.
There were adverts for open evenings where you could find out more about 'body shaping' and 'abdominoplasty' among other procedures. I thought dominos had been made of plastic for some time. Anyway, the place was kind of a cross between an NHS hospital and the Crossroads motel. Most people there were there for NHS dentistry it seems - more tattoos, beer bellies and footie shirts than they’re used to I guess. Mind you, there’s a limit on how posh a private hospital can be on the borders of Rothwell and Castleford – and I still had a long wait. I suppose they make the effort so the NHS patients don’t feel too uncomfortable. Here's an odd thought though - plastic surgery isn't really for posh people is it?
It's about time they worked out how to get people to grow new teeth if you ask me. Very old people occasionally grow one or two it would seem. They should cross them with Catholic embryos or something.
There were adverts for open evenings where you could find out more about 'body shaping' and 'abdominoplasty' among other procedures. I thought dominos had been made of plastic for some time. Anyway, the place was kind of a cross between an NHS hospital and the Crossroads motel. Most people there were there for NHS dentistry it seems - more tattoos, beer bellies and footie shirts than they’re used to I guess. Mind you, there’s a limit on how posh a private hospital can be on the borders of Rothwell and Castleford – and I still had a long wait. I suppose they make the effort so the NHS patients don’t feel too uncomfortable. Here's an odd thought though - plastic surgery isn't really for posh people is it?
It's about time they worked out how to get people to grow new teeth if you ask me. Very old people occasionally grow one or two it would seem. They should cross them with Catholic embryos or something.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Sat bleedin' sumas - would that be blood oranges?
This may seem a stupid question but what the hell has happened to Satsumas? I can’t remember the last time I had one that was anything like, well, a Satsuma. They’re not supposed to be rock hard, sour, round or with a navel bit on ‘em. They’re supposed to have loose skin, be sweet and …well, you get the picture. Come on Satsuma producers, get your act together.
Oh, and it was welcome back to the outside part of Leeds market for me this week when I bought some 'satsumas' at '8 for a pound'. Not only were there only 7 in the bag but they were nothing like the ones on the front of the stall either. And nothing like satsumas.
Oh, and it was welcome back to the outside part of Leeds market for me this week when I bought some 'satsumas' at '8 for a pound'. Not only were there only 7 in the bag but they were nothing like the ones on the front of the stall either. And nothing like satsumas.
More corporate pals
I just made a bid on ebay. They congratulate me on being the first bidder - ‘hope you win’ they add. Nice of them, I really appreciate the personal touch, it gives me a tingly glow to think they're rooting for me in my attempted value for money purchasing behaviour.
However, I wondered if they intended to take any action to put this hope into practice. I emailed them to ask and they haven’t replied. I suspect that they don’t really care if I win or not. This is a crushing disappointment. Whey do they pretend to be my fwend?
However, I wondered if they intended to take any action to put this hope into practice. I emailed them to ask and they haven’t replied. I suspect that they don’t really care if I win or not. This is a crushing disappointment. Whey do they pretend to be my fwend?
My bank wants to be friends
I just got a new Terms and Conditions leaflet for my bank account. I’m ashamed to say I actually read some of it.
It says here ‘One of the great things about internet shopping is the extra time it gives you to enjoy life offline’.
My question is, is there a word for this kind of sick making matey approach to 'information'? And what could 'life off-line' mean? I don't want the NatWest bank to chat or give me their lifestyle opinions thank you very much.
It says here ‘One of the great things about internet shopping is the extra time it gives you to enjoy life offline’.
My question is, is there a word for this kind of sick making matey approach to 'information'? And what could 'life off-line' mean? I don't want the NatWest bank to chat or give me their lifestyle opinions thank you very much.
Are you insured Madam?
Isn’t it strange how the insurance business is (or at least has been) seen as somehow ‘respectable’? The sort of industry mothers don’t mind their sons ‘going into’. Their income is often guaranteed by law – you have to take out insurance to protect your mortgage lender, you have to insure your car and so on. Yet if the insurance company decide they don’t want to pay your claim what happens? – They don’t pay your claim! They decide. If you have a dispute, who do you appeal to? – another person at the same company – if you’re lucky! This of course if after the ‘excess’ and the exclusions of anything that you might actually need insurance for – the whole ‘act of God’ thing.
A couple of examples:
I know some people whose plumbing is been eaten by mice, causing holes and leaks and well, a lot of damage (this is the plumbing in their house, not some 1984 nightmare scenario…) Just the kind of thing you’d want to claim on your house insurance you’d think. But oh no, the policy doesn’t include rodent damage! Does this include the rodents at the insurance company?
We recently bought holiday insurance. It seems that this was compulsory too. On this policy you had to pay extra to insure your belongings! Well, what the f*ck do you want holiday insurance for if its not to insure the stuff that you take with you? I had a quick look at the reams of ‘information’ that they give you. We’ll be quids in if I lose a limb it would seem, and I can cause upset abroad leading to costs of up to £5,000,000. But if someone nicks my bag, tough! Whole sections of the economy are based on this kind of fantasy world it would seem.
A couple of examples:
I know some people whose plumbing is been eaten by mice, causing holes and leaks and well, a lot of damage (this is the plumbing in their house, not some 1984 nightmare scenario…) Just the kind of thing you’d want to claim on your house insurance you’d think. But oh no, the policy doesn’t include rodent damage! Does this include the rodents at the insurance company?
We recently bought holiday insurance. It seems that this was compulsory too. On this policy you had to pay extra to insure your belongings! Well, what the f*ck do you want holiday insurance for if its not to insure the stuff that you take with you? I had a quick look at the reams of ‘information’ that they give you. We’ll be quids in if I lose a limb it would seem, and I can cause upset abroad leading to costs of up to £5,000,000. But if someone nicks my bag, tough! Whole sections of the economy are based on this kind of fantasy world it would seem.
15% of your neighbours...
I’ve just been going through the local election results in Leeds. Small ‘hobby-horse’ type rant coming up…
If ‘New’ Labour continue to ignore the poor white people who feel like they’re not getting anywhere and no-one looks after their interests, then quite soon the BNP are going to start getting elected all over the place. I left Labour (probably for good) mainly over the ID card and civil liberties but also over them dumping the concept of ‘equality’ – oh, and arms, wars and, well all the rest of it. New Labour left the ‘working classes’ behind years ago and it seems that finally the working classes have begun to realise. If you combine this with the stifling of free speech so the BNP are forced (despite their own stupidity) to not say (for example) anything racist, it makes it much easier for them to pose as the party of the ‘white working class’ and the only people speaking up in those areas that never get the various ‘initiatives’, grants etc that are coming out of the ears of people in some areas of the city.
Wards like Chapel Allerton (the nice middle class green DMs brigade and the various black communities) gave the BNP about 3% of the vote. This is of course pretty good news. That 3% will be those not very attractive, not very bright, disappointed people who want someone to blame for their own personal failings. However, in Middleton it was nearly 40%. If I’m not mistaken the (proper, German) Nazis never got that percentage of the vote. I don’t believe that 40% of the voters in Middleton are racist scum. They’re people whose world has been collapsing for years. Some of them will suspect its due to ‘immigrants’ or whatever that they’re getting a bad deal. In fact it’s due to the disappearance from politics of the concepts of both equality and re-distribution of wealth. No-one even bothers to argue if multi-millionaires should pay more tax. ‘New Labour’ have been the Tory party for years but never properly admitted it and now it seems to me they’ve been caught out. I’ve said this before but I think the main rate of income tax in the 1970s was 33%. If it was that now how much would that raise for projects that could really improve the lives of people in places like Middleton? Think on eh?
So, there you go readers, ignore people for too long and they set the rottweiller on you.
Toodle Pip!
If ‘New’ Labour continue to ignore the poor white people who feel like they’re not getting anywhere and no-one looks after their interests, then quite soon the BNP are going to start getting elected all over the place. I left Labour (probably for good) mainly over the ID card and civil liberties but also over them dumping the concept of ‘equality’ – oh, and arms, wars and, well all the rest of it. New Labour left the ‘working classes’ behind years ago and it seems that finally the working classes have begun to realise. If you combine this with the stifling of free speech so the BNP are forced (despite their own stupidity) to not say (for example) anything racist, it makes it much easier for them to pose as the party of the ‘white working class’ and the only people speaking up in those areas that never get the various ‘initiatives’, grants etc that are coming out of the ears of people in some areas of the city.
Wards like Chapel Allerton (the nice middle class green DMs brigade and the various black communities) gave the BNP about 3% of the vote. This is of course pretty good news. That 3% will be those not very attractive, not very bright, disappointed people who want someone to blame for their own personal failings. However, in Middleton it was nearly 40%. If I’m not mistaken the (proper, German) Nazis never got that percentage of the vote. I don’t believe that 40% of the voters in Middleton are racist scum. They’re people whose world has been collapsing for years. Some of them will suspect its due to ‘immigrants’ or whatever that they’re getting a bad deal. In fact it’s due to the disappearance from politics of the concepts of both equality and re-distribution of wealth. No-one even bothers to argue if multi-millionaires should pay more tax. ‘New Labour’ have been the Tory party for years but never properly admitted it and now it seems to me they’ve been caught out. I’ve said this before but I think the main rate of income tax in the 1970s was 33%. If it was that now how much would that raise for projects that could really improve the lives of people in places like Middleton? Think on eh?
So, there you go readers, ignore people for too long and they set the rottweiller on you.
Toodle Pip!
Doorbell Walks
Somebody stole our doorbell this week, or at least the bell-push bit. Still, I expect some local chav will be able to buy a tube of Evostik with the money. £1.49 from Wilkinson’s - so it could be a bit difficult making much of a profit. How else could a doorbell 'pushbit' disappear though? Teleported to a shower of frogs? Possibly.
Talking of Wilkinson’s – it suddenly struck me last time I was in there – they are in fact Woollys! – Apart from the colour scheme it’s like being in Woolworth’s ‘back in the day’.
Talking of Wilkinson’s – it suddenly struck me last time I was in there – they are in fact Woollys! – Apart from the colour scheme it’s like being in Woolworth’s ‘back in the day’.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Chris Morris is back!
I didn’t realise 'The Day Today' was back!
I turned the telly on today to find a ‘news’ piece showing Trevor McDonald and Denise Van Outen carrying the Olympic torch! ‘Too daft to laugh at’ as my Mum would say.
I turned the telly on today to find a ‘news’ piece showing Trevor McDonald and Denise Van Outen carrying the Olympic torch! ‘Too daft to laugh at’ as my Mum would say.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Rude Fruit
Following on from my ranking of fruit by order of rudeness I’d like to make a brief addition.
Please take the utmost caution in using the word 'kumquat'.
I predict a controversy very like that one about using the word 'niggardly' (where, as I remember it, someone was hounded out of their job for other people's ignorance). Shout 'kumquat' at people in the street and see what happens. It'd be political correctness gone mad you know.
Please take the utmost caution in using the word 'kumquat'.
I predict a controversy very like that one about using the word 'niggardly' (where, as I remember it, someone was hounded out of their job for other people's ignorance). Shout 'kumquat' at people in the street and see what happens. It'd be political correctness gone mad you know.
Just like yer Grammar used to make
I'd just like to apologise for the level of grammar in this blog. I can't get the flow right. I have a spastic semi-colon or something. I've realised this as I've recently applied for a job where grammar is one of the 'essential criteria'. I'm better than a lot of people but I was never taught it so far as I can remember.
However, I am one of the last people in England to know the difference between stationary (not moving) and stationery (envelopes and pens). So there.
However, I am one of the last people in England to know the difference between stationary (not moving) and stationery (envelopes and pens). So there.
I Like Americans
I like Americans generally. I really do, and this is not sarcasm. American bands generally have something that British bands don't too (there's a PHD topic). However, I'm sick of 'semesters' and 'malls', 'muffins', 'movies' and all the other language that we've started to use - and the attitude that patriotism and aggressive Christianity are OK, oh, and 10 gallon buckets of popcorn and...well, there's a list. So much is imported from the USA along with exaggerated respect for entrepreneurs and really shit telly.
When I were a lad America was big and fabulous - full of cactus and hookers and big trucks and Kojak and Easyrider and people making films about the Vietnam war. Meanwhile we had drizzle and working men's clubs. Thing is though, why are we still importing America now its not so much more exciting than here? America looks kind of 'small-town' - full of religion, support for 'our boys' and the death sentence.
I remember the moon landings (just). Real or not, it seemed to me that the planet stood still to applaud. America was doing something on behalf of the whole world (leaving aside all the cold war stuff) and we were amazed and impressed. The future was happening, the mission to Mars was scheduled for 1985 according to my Brooke Bond tea card album and this showed that we could 'fix things'. Now they're just being arsey about who enters the country, torturing people in boiler suits and making up imaginery money.
I guess America was always invading somewhere or propping up some mad dictator (it being our turn previous to them) but I still want to know what happened.
When I were a lad America was big and fabulous - full of cactus and hookers and big trucks and Kojak and Easyrider and people making films about the Vietnam war. Meanwhile we had drizzle and working men's clubs. Thing is though, why are we still importing America now its not so much more exciting than here? America looks kind of 'small-town' - full of religion, support for 'our boys' and the death sentence.
I remember the moon landings (just). Real or not, it seemed to me that the planet stood still to applaud. America was doing something on behalf of the whole world (leaving aside all the cold war stuff) and we were amazed and impressed. The future was happening, the mission to Mars was scheduled for 1985 according to my Brooke Bond tea card album and this showed that we could 'fix things'. Now they're just being arsey about who enters the country, torturing people in boiler suits and making up imaginery money.
I guess America was always invading somewhere or propping up some mad dictator (it being our turn previous to them) but I still want to know what happened.
Kidneys to Britishness
Darn. World Kidney Day was on 13th March and I missed it. I can only speculate as to what fantastic events were running. Maybe they drank punch, (kidney punch yer see...) raffled off a dialysis machine and finished the evening with a mixed grill.
I'm off to set up World Angry Pedestrian Day and the World Day of Days. Maybe the day after the proposed 'celebrate being British' day. They seem to have missed the point that the essence of being British is to not give a toss about being British.
I'm off to set up World Angry Pedestrian Day and the World Day of Days. Maybe the day after the proposed 'celebrate being British' day. They seem to have missed the point that the essence of being British is to not give a toss about being British.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
My New Mellow Traffic Self
I went in to my job today on my day off. This is because I work for a rubbish organisation which seems to believe that if you think about things hard enough and are ‘pro-active in moving things forward’ that they magically happen. Some idiot like me who has carefully already carefully explained the inpingements of the real world has to pull them out of the shit before people in the real world get f*cked about too much and it makes me angry. You wonder if they do this on purpose. I will take my time back though…Incidentally, this same organisation has what I can only describe as a 'collective ego' which thinks its great and routinely takes the credit for any work that anyone connected with it does as if it had done it itself.
Anyway, on the way in I was congratulating myself on my new attitude to traffic. This is that instead of blaming the morons who regularly endanger people’s lives by ignoring the red lights and such like we could perhaps work with the people who design junctions and traffic lights and the like to make it psychologically more difficult to drive like a moron. I believe this because it’s usually at the same junctions where the various moron incidents happen. This makes me think that its at least partly to do with design.
Then I get to the junction of Roundhay Road with Harehills Lane. Within 20 seconds one van did an illegal u-turn in front of me and I was half way across the crossing (having waited for the green mad I might add) when some prize twat in a big silver Vauxhall made an illegal right turn straight across the pedestrian crossing at about 20 miles an hour (and this is a 90 degree turn, one of the reasons for the ‘no right turn’ signs and the sign warning pedestrians about motorists making illegal turns’) missing me by less than a foot.
So…mellowness gone. Annoyingly I was too taken by surprise to take physical action against the car. I managed a ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing you moron’ at the top of my voice though, followed by what was kind of half way between a one and a two fingered salute. However, a nice door dent caused by work DMs would have been much more appropriate. Once again, car driver careering through a pedestrian crossing deserves at least a grands worth of damage (which anyone who owns a car will know ain't much).
So, be mellow, mind how you go and knock a big dent in the moron's car. If you can get the number and make it public by any means you can. Hope they object and you can get it in the papers...
Anyway, on the way in I was congratulating myself on my new attitude to traffic. This is that instead of blaming the morons who regularly endanger people’s lives by ignoring the red lights and such like we could perhaps work with the people who design junctions and traffic lights and the like to make it psychologically more difficult to drive like a moron. I believe this because it’s usually at the same junctions where the various moron incidents happen. This makes me think that its at least partly to do with design.
Then I get to the junction of Roundhay Road with Harehills Lane. Within 20 seconds one van did an illegal u-turn in front of me and I was half way across the crossing (having waited for the green mad I might add) when some prize twat in a big silver Vauxhall made an illegal right turn straight across the pedestrian crossing at about 20 miles an hour (and this is a 90 degree turn, one of the reasons for the ‘no right turn’ signs and the sign warning pedestrians about motorists making illegal turns’) missing me by less than a foot.
So…mellowness gone. Annoyingly I was too taken by surprise to take physical action against the car. I managed a ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing you moron’ at the top of my voice though, followed by what was kind of half way between a one and a two fingered salute. However, a nice door dent caused by work DMs would have been much more appropriate. Once again, car driver careering through a pedestrian crossing deserves at least a grands worth of damage (which anyone who owns a car will know ain't much).
So, be mellow, mind how you go and knock a big dent in the moron's car. If you can get the number and make it public by any means you can. Hope they object and you can get it in the papers...
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Fruitcakes
Another non-controversial area. I received an email (at work) from the 'London School of Islamics'. They have opinions on multi-culturalism and bi-lingualism and funnily enough, generally think that their religion is the one to plump for. Fair enough I suppose for us woolly-minded liberal freedom of speech types. However, their latest newsletter on the subject of 'honour killing' (the practice of becoming a murderous scumbag baboon in the name of preserving apparent adherence to your particular religious mores) is a belter and I thought I'd quote some of it.
"Honour killing and female infanticide come from Pagan-Hindu-Judeo-Christian traditions". Isn't this great?! I guess this means that all religions except one are kiddie murderers folks!
Furthermore "The tragedy of forced marriage and honour killing could have been avoided if the poor girls were educated in a single sex state funded Muslim schools by female Muslim teachers". There you go - sorted! Pick the bones out of that one! I think this means that if young women behaved themselves (at taxpayers expense) no-one would have to murder them. Good one...
It then goes on about 'Muslim children'. Now as Richard Dawkins explains so well, there are of course no such people as 'Muslim children' (or those of any other religion), only those of Muslim parents (or those of any other religion). Anyway, at school said children are apparently exposed to non-Muslim teachers (the poor dears) making Muslim schools "crucial for Muslim children because western education makes a man/woman stupid". There you go!
There's more..."Muslim schools stand as shining beacons of light, serving as one of the most crucial factors which protect Muslim children from the onslaught of Eurocentricism, homosexuality, racism and secular values and traditions".
So there you go (again). I must enlighten my non-religious racist gay friends in Europe. If they're not murdering babies - or was that just every other religeon? Conversion surely beckons.
I'm sure the world is full of such toss but this email was sent to my inbox. Welcome to the 21st century.
"Honour killing and female infanticide come from Pagan-Hindu-Judeo-Christian traditions". Isn't this great?! I guess this means that all religions except one are kiddie murderers folks!
Furthermore "The tragedy of forced marriage and honour killing could have been avoided if the poor girls were educated in a single sex state funded Muslim schools by female Muslim teachers". There you go - sorted! Pick the bones out of that one! I think this means that if young women behaved themselves (at taxpayers expense) no-one would have to murder them. Good one...
It then goes on about 'Muslim children'. Now as Richard Dawkins explains so well, there are of course no such people as 'Muslim children' (or those of any other religion), only those of Muslim parents (or those of any other religion). Anyway, at school said children are apparently exposed to non-Muslim teachers (the poor dears) making Muslim schools "crucial for Muslim children because western education makes a man/woman stupid". There you go!
There's more..."Muslim schools stand as shining beacons of light, serving as one of the most crucial factors which protect Muslim children from the onslaught of Eurocentricism, homosexuality, racism and secular values and traditions".
So there you go (again). I must enlighten my non-religious racist gay friends in Europe. If they're not murdering babies - or was that just every other religeon? Conversion surely beckons.
I'm sure the world is full of such toss but this email was sent to my inbox. Welcome to the 21st century.
Stepford Builds a Bonfire
This is the almost famous ‘dance school story’. If I could be bothered the prose below could be edited and polished into something better. But I can’t, you’ll just have to read it if you’re interested and write an essay on how much more brief, pithy and amusing this story could’ve been. If I did sort it out it’d just never get done…
This is a weird one…First thing is it’s a blog about blogging. Bad start I know. However, it seems my blogging has offended ‘people’. Normally it’d be ‘hurray to that’ considering some of the scumbag firms and idiot behaviour I comment on. However this time I’m going to explain the whole thing as, believe it or not, I’ve apparently offended people at a local dance school. I am not making this up!
What did I do to incur ballet tapping wrath? Who did I upset? How? Why? Well, it seems that someone noticed a blog entry from June 2007 and they’re now getting cross about it. Parents up in arms, dancers upset, police inspectors married to dance teachers fully informed, legal action threatened no less.
So…here’s the original entry with the name of the dance school removed (more on that later)
“Well there wasn't a sign officer
Saturday night and its ‘Showtime’ for the...Name of School censored!Along with the various dances done by the juniors the ‘seniors’ (a group of young women aged 18 to 20 something) entertain us with leotards, tight tights and split short skirts -all in scarlet and black. They sit astride chairs to the tune of ‘Hey Big Spender’, do the splits and writhe around in a variety of downright provocative ways.Then, unfortunately, a slight altercation with the stewards just before the interval. Well, they didn't have a sign saying ‘No Wanking’...”
I thought this was funny. Nearly everyone who I know who knows about this it thinks it’s funny. That’s really all you need to know I reckon, but for those with the patience lets look at what’s going on is this little story…It’s not great to have to analyse but I’m defending myself so I think it’s necessary.
This story is an example of what I imagine must be a very well established comic technique. You start with a real situation and gradually twist it into something bizarre and / or unexpected and a bit odd - hence the laugh. The twist can be gradual or sudden. In this I guess it’s ‘slight followed by extreme’. There’s even a punch line. I thought this was a good ‘un.
So, what’s happening here? Well I, or perhaps my ‘story telling persona’ did actually attend this event, it was 100% real. So, that’s paragraph 1. Paragraph 2 has a slight shift at the end in the phrase ‘downright provocative’. This is designed to introduce the slightly ‘odd’ bit and start the (probably unconscious) questions such as ‘was the provocative-ness (or provocation I suppose but that doesn’t sound right) intended, or merely in the eye of the story teller? So, you either find it potentially funny or disturbing or simply descriptive to taste. Presumably no-one very much gets offended so far (but who knows, there are some strange people about…)
So, on to par 3. The ‘slight altercation with the stewards’ is deliberately brief and ambiguous – where could this be going? What can have happened? How could this be related to the previous paragraph? Then the punch-line. Just to be absolutely clear, it’s here where I accuse myself (or my story telling persona) of masturbating in the audience - and have very strongly implied that there were stewards who noticed this resulting in an ‘altercation’ – more comic implication.
OK, so where’s any possible offence lie? Could it be that someone has taken it literally, if only partially? – Unlikely you would think but who knows…
Now call me stupid but just in case, in what kind of world (other than the comic one) would someone be seen / caught masturbating in public, have some sort of bust-up with stewards and then be allowed to see the second half of the show? Oh, then this same person in this same world then TELLS THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT VIA THE INTERNET.
So, just to be clear, there was no masturbation, no altercation with stewards. This was MADE UP (I can’t believe I’m saying this by the way…)
Anyway, I have 3 bits of evidence that hint at the nature of the ‘offence taken.
First up we have the head of the school. I hear a story of threats of legal action (it’d be really interesting to know which law has been broken) and the fact that a senior police officer has been informed. My source was confronted with a print-out of the blog entry (!) and also informed that other parts of the blog were offensive. This is interesting in itself as once people are on their humourless high horse they cease to be able to read properly.
For example, it seems I used the word ‘Paki’ in my blog. I was intrigued as to where on earth I might’ve used the word. If I had used it I assumed it would’ve been in inverted commas in some comment about the things people say. So, I checked and discovered that I have never used the word in my blog. The only reference that’s close mentions ‘rural Pakistan’ (I get around don’t I?!) It’s funny how people get impressions. Looks like someone decided they didn’t like the blog and somehow convinced themselves that I also used racist language or something. Having said that, this is all second hand so maybe it’s another wrong impression.
A strange Bloggy thing by the way is that if people add comments to your blog (yes I know there’ll be some clever technical set-up thing you can do) you don’t actually see them. I write my blog I don’t go back and admire it, particularly if it was written months ago.
Anyway, the second piece of evidence is from ‘Disgusted Dancer’ (no, really, this is true…) who it would seem felt strong enough about this to sign up to Blogger just to leave this comment
“I am glad you enjoyed the show so much, lovely to hear how much you enjoyed your own daughter's appearance and not just the 'seniors'. I am thinking you are a little uneducated in the field of dance. Oh a by the way, tights are meant to be tight”
I assume the first sentence is sarcasm. A comment on the fact that I only mentioned the ‘seniors’ I guess. Fair enough if this was some sort of review I guess. Actually I probably wouldn’t have included the performance of my daughter in a story about wanking – That would be in even worse taste than my story. I should try harder next time I suppose. ‘Disgusted Dancer’ picks me up on saying ‘tight tights’ which I think is a bit harsh since I could certainly claim this is a ‘device’ like ‘short shorts’ or something. Anyway, I don’t want to slag off Disgusted though it’d have been helpful if she’d said ‘I’m offended and here’s why’. But I think there’s a hint in the ‘I am thinking’ line. Leaving aside the throwing grammatical glass houses / stones thing (‘I think’ would do…) that thing about being ‘uneducated in the field of dance’ hints at what I think may be going on, namely the relationship (or otherwise) of sex to dance or at least sex to dance in this particular show.
Before going on about that let’s talk about ‘Disgusted Parent’. They do have a Blogger name but I’m not going to give you that – probably more on that too if I don’t run out of energy. Anyway, Disgusted Parent says “How dare you insult the integrity and talent of the children especially the senior girls. They have worked so hard and do not deserve this sick review”.
There’s a lot to go for in this fairly short sentence. Could someone have thought this was a ‘review’ of some sort? Or is it a way of saying ‘comment’ or story’ or whatever? Obviously I don’t know. I don’t know if you can reply to a comment directly on Blogger otherwise I probably would. Anyway, first of all it’s an interesting use of the word ‘children’. No mention at all in my story of children or any implication that the dancers hadn’t worked hard or weren’t good except I guess by omission (rather than ‘emission’ which I suppose might’ve been implied – another joke that won’t be appreciated!).
So what’s going on? People may be offended by ‘black humour’ or rude words but I’m not even going to defend myself on that. They should get out more if that’s the case. To be honest no-one seems to have thought that (though I don’t know; strange people etc.)
There are 2 more likely reasons.
First is the ‘association’ thing i.e. having my blog associated with their school and on this point I have to admit to making the mistake of using the exact name of the dance school. I should’ve realised that changing the name slightly wouldn’t have detracted from the story and would have meant that they didn’t come up in a Google search (if you search for the school worldwide you get only get 9 hits or something). I always assume that people who read my blog are on the same wavelength as me and it never occurred that the easily offended or that people on the fringes of joining the green ink brigade (hey, I’ve been as close as I have come so far to hate mail – fantastic!) would ever get there by accident - though I’ll take readers from anywhere. But, in a massive show of sensitivity, cowardice and wanting to be liked I’ve now censored myself for the first ever time and removed the name from the blog. If it still shows up on Google for a bit they’ll have to complain to the Head of the Internet I guess as I can’t do anything about that. Why don’t BAE systems or Yorkshire Water threaten legal action then we could really have some fun?
My second guess is that people are shocked (or ‘Disgusted’) by the implication that sex was in any way involved in the dancing in this particular show. Now the story wouldn’t have been funny if it hadn’t been exaggerated but sex free to the extent that this exaggeration insults people’s talent and integrity? No implied sexual references in ‘Hey Big Spender’ then? (NB Hey Big Spender was one of the songs that the ‘seniors’ danced to).
Yes, this is edited, but here are a few lines:
Good looking, so refined…Say wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind…So let me get right to the point…I don't pop my cork…for every guy I see…Hey big spender, spend a little time with me…Wouldn't you like to have fun, fun, fun…Hows about a few laughs, laughs…I could show you a good time, Let me show you a good time… hey big spender…spend a little time with me
I think it’s important to state that demonstrating that this song contains ‘adult themes’ really doesn’t matter. You can’t remove sex from dance even if you want to, nor should you try, it’s like taking the margarine out of a cake. You can perhaps avoid going down the ‘Mini-pops’ road but how on earth can you do dance and it not occur to you that sex is in any way involved? Like doing pole dancing to keep fit I suppose…
Anyway…I’m bored with this whole thing now. Afterwards it would seem that the dance school Mums were talking about a possible letter to the Evening Post. It’d be interesting to see how that were worded! A solicitor was mentioned to and even apparently the suggestion that ‘I wouldn’t let him near my kids’. Nice.
So, there you go, joke made, people offended, yours truly banned from dance school, story poorly described…
This is a weird one…First thing is it’s a blog about blogging. Bad start I know. However, it seems my blogging has offended ‘people’. Normally it’d be ‘hurray to that’ considering some of the scumbag firms and idiot behaviour I comment on. However this time I’m going to explain the whole thing as, believe it or not, I’ve apparently offended people at a local dance school. I am not making this up!
What did I do to incur ballet tapping wrath? Who did I upset? How? Why? Well, it seems that someone noticed a blog entry from June 2007 and they’re now getting cross about it. Parents up in arms, dancers upset, police inspectors married to dance teachers fully informed, legal action threatened no less.
So…here’s the original entry with the name of the dance school removed (more on that later)
“Well there wasn't a sign officer
Saturday night and its ‘Showtime’ for the...Name of School censored!Along with the various dances done by the juniors the ‘seniors’ (a group of young women aged 18 to 20 something) entertain us with leotards, tight tights and split short skirts -all in scarlet and black. They sit astride chairs to the tune of ‘Hey Big Spender’, do the splits and writhe around in a variety of downright provocative ways.Then, unfortunately, a slight altercation with the stewards just before the interval. Well, they didn't have a sign saying ‘No Wanking’...”
I thought this was funny. Nearly everyone who I know who knows about this it thinks it’s funny. That’s really all you need to know I reckon, but for those with the patience lets look at what’s going on is this little story…It’s not great to have to analyse but I’m defending myself so I think it’s necessary.
This story is an example of what I imagine must be a very well established comic technique. You start with a real situation and gradually twist it into something bizarre and / or unexpected and a bit odd - hence the laugh. The twist can be gradual or sudden. In this I guess it’s ‘slight followed by extreme’. There’s even a punch line. I thought this was a good ‘un.
So, what’s happening here? Well I, or perhaps my ‘story telling persona’ did actually attend this event, it was 100% real. So, that’s paragraph 1. Paragraph 2 has a slight shift at the end in the phrase ‘downright provocative’. This is designed to introduce the slightly ‘odd’ bit and start the (probably unconscious) questions such as ‘was the provocative-ness (or provocation I suppose but that doesn’t sound right) intended, or merely in the eye of the story teller? So, you either find it potentially funny or disturbing or simply descriptive to taste. Presumably no-one very much gets offended so far (but who knows, there are some strange people about…)
So, on to par 3. The ‘slight altercation with the stewards’ is deliberately brief and ambiguous – where could this be going? What can have happened? How could this be related to the previous paragraph? Then the punch-line. Just to be absolutely clear, it’s here where I accuse myself (or my story telling persona) of masturbating in the audience - and have very strongly implied that there were stewards who noticed this resulting in an ‘altercation’ – more comic implication.
OK, so where’s any possible offence lie? Could it be that someone has taken it literally, if only partially? – Unlikely you would think but who knows…
Now call me stupid but just in case, in what kind of world (other than the comic one) would someone be seen / caught masturbating in public, have some sort of bust-up with stewards and then be allowed to see the second half of the show? Oh, then this same person in this same world then TELLS THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT VIA THE INTERNET.
So, just to be clear, there was no masturbation, no altercation with stewards. This was MADE UP (I can’t believe I’m saying this by the way…)
Anyway, I have 3 bits of evidence that hint at the nature of the ‘offence taken.
First up we have the head of the school. I hear a story of threats of legal action (it’d be really interesting to know which law has been broken) and the fact that a senior police officer has been informed. My source was confronted with a print-out of the blog entry (!) and also informed that other parts of the blog were offensive. This is interesting in itself as once people are on their humourless high horse they cease to be able to read properly.
For example, it seems I used the word ‘Paki’ in my blog. I was intrigued as to where on earth I might’ve used the word. If I had used it I assumed it would’ve been in inverted commas in some comment about the things people say. So, I checked and discovered that I have never used the word in my blog. The only reference that’s close mentions ‘rural Pakistan’ (I get around don’t I?!) It’s funny how people get impressions. Looks like someone decided they didn’t like the blog and somehow convinced themselves that I also used racist language or something. Having said that, this is all second hand so maybe it’s another wrong impression.
A strange Bloggy thing by the way is that if people add comments to your blog (yes I know there’ll be some clever technical set-up thing you can do) you don’t actually see them. I write my blog I don’t go back and admire it, particularly if it was written months ago.
Anyway, the second piece of evidence is from ‘Disgusted Dancer’ (no, really, this is true…) who it would seem felt strong enough about this to sign up to Blogger just to leave this comment
“I am glad you enjoyed the show so much, lovely to hear how much you enjoyed your own daughter's appearance and not just the 'seniors'. I am thinking you are a little uneducated in the field of dance. Oh a by the way, tights are meant to be tight”
I assume the first sentence is sarcasm. A comment on the fact that I only mentioned the ‘seniors’ I guess. Fair enough if this was some sort of review I guess. Actually I probably wouldn’t have included the performance of my daughter in a story about wanking – That would be in even worse taste than my story. I should try harder next time I suppose. ‘Disgusted Dancer’ picks me up on saying ‘tight tights’ which I think is a bit harsh since I could certainly claim this is a ‘device’ like ‘short shorts’ or something. Anyway, I don’t want to slag off Disgusted though it’d have been helpful if she’d said ‘I’m offended and here’s why’. But I think there’s a hint in the ‘I am thinking’ line. Leaving aside the throwing grammatical glass houses / stones thing (‘I think’ would do…) that thing about being ‘uneducated in the field of dance’ hints at what I think may be going on, namely the relationship (or otherwise) of sex to dance or at least sex to dance in this particular show.
Before going on about that let’s talk about ‘Disgusted Parent’. They do have a Blogger name but I’m not going to give you that – probably more on that too if I don’t run out of energy. Anyway, Disgusted Parent says “How dare you insult the integrity and talent of the children especially the senior girls. They have worked so hard and do not deserve this sick review”.
There’s a lot to go for in this fairly short sentence. Could someone have thought this was a ‘review’ of some sort? Or is it a way of saying ‘comment’ or story’ or whatever? Obviously I don’t know. I don’t know if you can reply to a comment directly on Blogger otherwise I probably would. Anyway, first of all it’s an interesting use of the word ‘children’. No mention at all in my story of children or any implication that the dancers hadn’t worked hard or weren’t good except I guess by omission (rather than ‘emission’ which I suppose might’ve been implied – another joke that won’t be appreciated!).
So what’s going on? People may be offended by ‘black humour’ or rude words but I’m not even going to defend myself on that. They should get out more if that’s the case. To be honest no-one seems to have thought that (though I don’t know; strange people etc.)
There are 2 more likely reasons.
First is the ‘association’ thing i.e. having my blog associated with their school and on this point I have to admit to making the mistake of using the exact name of the dance school. I should’ve realised that changing the name slightly wouldn’t have detracted from the story and would have meant that they didn’t come up in a Google search (if you search for the school worldwide you get only get 9 hits or something). I always assume that people who read my blog are on the same wavelength as me and it never occurred that the easily offended or that people on the fringes of joining the green ink brigade (hey, I’ve been as close as I have come so far to hate mail – fantastic!) would ever get there by accident - though I’ll take readers from anywhere. But, in a massive show of sensitivity, cowardice and wanting to be liked I’ve now censored myself for the first ever time and removed the name from the blog. If it still shows up on Google for a bit they’ll have to complain to the Head of the Internet I guess as I can’t do anything about that. Why don’t BAE systems or Yorkshire Water threaten legal action then we could really have some fun?
My second guess is that people are shocked (or ‘Disgusted’) by the implication that sex was in any way involved in the dancing in this particular show. Now the story wouldn’t have been funny if it hadn’t been exaggerated but sex free to the extent that this exaggeration insults people’s talent and integrity? No implied sexual references in ‘Hey Big Spender’ then? (NB Hey Big Spender was one of the songs that the ‘seniors’ danced to).
Yes, this is edited, but here are a few lines:
Good looking, so refined…Say wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind…So let me get right to the point…I don't pop my cork…for every guy I see…Hey big spender, spend a little time with me…Wouldn't you like to have fun, fun, fun…Hows about a few laughs, laughs…I could show you a good time, Let me show you a good time… hey big spender…spend a little time with me
I think it’s important to state that demonstrating that this song contains ‘adult themes’ really doesn’t matter. You can’t remove sex from dance even if you want to, nor should you try, it’s like taking the margarine out of a cake. You can perhaps avoid going down the ‘Mini-pops’ road but how on earth can you do dance and it not occur to you that sex is in any way involved? Like doing pole dancing to keep fit I suppose…
Anyway…I’m bored with this whole thing now. Afterwards it would seem that the dance school Mums were talking about a possible letter to the Evening Post. It’d be interesting to see how that were worded! A solicitor was mentioned to and even apparently the suggestion that ‘I wouldn’t let him near my kids’. Nice.
So, there you go, joke made, people offended, yours truly banned from dance school, story poorly described…
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