Tuesday, February 21, 2006

New ‘Green Strategy’ Enforced

They’ve just been re-surfacing the road down my way – gets rid of the potholes so can’t complain about that. They’ve also made the paths wider. Sounds good too – but no, I’m pissed off (again!) They’ve done this by wiping out the grass verges. Another tiny piece of green is gone. The snails that used to like to cross from the hedges to the verge and back again will now just die and be crunched underfoot by the children of idiot parents who think that killing things is OK.

Just a few snails; save a bit of money on grass cutting; just a tiny thing – but that’s how it goes. The Council has a green ‘strategy’; where I work had a green ‘policy’; everyone has f*ckin’ good intentions and tells the kids to take the bottles to the bank in the 4x4. In the real world it’s OK to park on the verges, to churn them up with delivery lorries delivering hardwood kitchens and sweatshop DVD players for £30. It’s OK to dig ‘em up and replace them with tarmac, it makes sense to replace hedges with fences and the cars can park halfway on the pavement and it’s OK - and if I object I’m just a strange idiot person who’s badly adjusted (so if I walk down the middle of the road it’s OK – actually not for some reason) the snails and grass verges can f*ck off. ‘Green’ and ‘biodiversity’ is something for the nasty Brazilian loggers to worry about eh?

A few months back bunch of private tree destroyers with a bad attitude chopped down a row of mature poplars (that’s the proper ones, not the spindly ones – check a book if you need, I haven’t got one, I just know how brilliant they were) at the bottom of our road. Interfered with television reception or something - ‘people’ had complained. Well they didn’t ask me. The Council had power to get someone to chop the trees down but not to plant any new ones because it isn’t their land – because they don’t understand ‘green’ the big ignorant fatheads.

If I win the lottery I’m going to hire a bunch of meatheads with big lorries to block off both ends of the street. Then I’m going to get another bunch of meatheads to dig up the road and throw the bits of tarmac through the windows of those that wanted rid of the trees. Then I’m going to grass over the road and guard it with guns until the grass is a foot high. At each end of the road there’ll be 2 cars for sharing and the severed head of the boss of Firstbus will be displayed on a plate (with an inflatable facsimile at the other end – I have thought this through you know). In his mouth will be a piece of reused (hey, not recycled, reused – don’t get me started on that one) card. This will say ‘I’m sorry I robbed you by putting up fares by a thousand per cent in 2 years because now I’ve been tortured by meatheads (from a private contractor with a bad attitude) and I’m dead and I regret my actions’. Then I’ll start on the next road and the next and the next and I won't stop until they build the tram, enforce car sharing schemes, take pedestrians seriously and cure all the kids of asthma. All the local councillors and MPs will have something very green stuck up their arses by private meathead contractors with a bad attitude.

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