If anyone needed further proof of the utter waste that is the advertising industry then I give you the following from the back of a packet of cereal....It’s just like having a real mate talking to you (from out of the back of a cereal packet). No, honestly...
In my world of course, cereal is something you eat for breakfast. It does not have a ‘personality’. In any half rational view of the world breakfast cereal simply does not have a personality - got that? - and it can be eaten by anyone who buys it.
There’s a long stretch of quote coming up here. If this doesn’t make you want to shoot yourself, or more likely the poor deluded sap who wrote it (and got paid to do it I assume) then go away and never come back, you will never ever have anything at all in common with me, ever.
This is from a packet of ‘Fitnesse’ which I suspect does, in the eyes of its producers, have a ‘personality’. Bet your life it’ll have been focus-grouped until it squeaked and demographic-ed to a crisp (or delicious virtually fat free cereal anyway).
“So, you bend the rules a bit from time to time. Who’s really going to know that you didn’t have one chocolate biscuit during the meeting, you had three? Or that you bought those take-me-now shoes a week before pay day? And who cares if what you do will never be understood by men: like going to IKEA for a bread bin and coming back with three bags of tealights, two duvet sets and a sofa – or writing up a to-do list of things you have already done, just for the pleasure of crossing them off”.
“It’s your life – live it your way. We say three cheers for spontaneity, self indulgence & self expression. It just feels so good!”
There you go! Self expression through sofa buying! And hey, I spontaneously visited IKEA and bought five bags of tealights to indulge myself. They just know me so well. Us girls together! This is definitely the cereal for me.
But wait, there’s more….
“The Women’s Code of Honour: Always letting your best friend have first try of that last little black dress that’s on sale…Never keeping secret addresses – such as the best hairdresser in town – to yourself…Always coming to the rescue in a man emergency with a glass of wine, DVD and box of tissues…Never being afraid to receive a compliment from your friends on how good you’re looking – or give one right back…”
Hey, right back at you Fitnesse you big old sisterly box of cereal you. Last time I had a man emergency it was the nose to nose with the driving nutter, though, hey, I have to admit to keeping the address of my hairdresser secret when I'm letting me mates try on that pair of jeans in Matalan....oh sorry, it was 'the best hairdresser in town' wasn't it! You know, the one with only one customer...
It’s those ‘girls about town’ again isn’t it – you know, the ones who ordered £4 salads in McDonalds a while back. Personally, I don’t want to be mates with Nestle or breakfast cereal and my feet hurt through curling.
And…there is, would you believe, more of this stuff! It’s worth typing out – but only just so more later…
PS what is a tealight for foxxsakes? - and are 'take me now' shoes the same as 'fuck me' shoes?