Tickled pink

Down Leeds Market today there was a stallholder shouting out “Maungy Twats, 3 for a quid!”

This amused me no end.

If you were wondering – I think it was packets of mange tout he was flogging.

The right sort of chaps!

Talking of Nelson Mandela...If you ever start thinking that Mister Cameron and his ilk seem OK sorts of chaps I'd like to remind you of something.

Back in the 80s you'd see Conservative students (and other Tories no doubt) walking about in 'Hang Nelson Mandela' badges. I wonder if they'll be wearing them at his funeral? I wonder if anyone has any pictures of members of the current government wearing said badge? - I bet some of 'em did! Point this out and I bet they'd be mortally offended.

I think this is illustrative of the modern Conservative Party. They were students then, they're in goverment now.

Chavs - Read it!

Here's a simple one...Read 'Chavs, the Demonization of the Working Class' by Owen Jones. In my opinion it's around 97% spot on. It rings with the sound of nails being hit on the head. It really is about bloody time somebody said this stuff.

I have a couple of tiny criticisms. But then I bet Nelson Mandela picks his nose or something so let's stay with the big picture - read it! Forget the 3%, get fired up by the 97%.

Autobot Unmoved...

I replied briefly to the email advert from Vistaprint. In response to their invitation to "Make your own home stationary" I replied "My home is already stationary thanks" and signed it.

I was rather hoping for a confused reply - but of course they only send out emails and don't reply to them as is the modern way. Actually, I did actually get a reply from their 'autoresponder' suggesting I call customer services. I am tempted, but I have fluff to pick out of my navel - I nearly put 'naval' for a joke. I found a Youtube clip on 'Naval piercing'. Gawd preserve us.

I'm paranoid now that I sound like Mister Cleverclogs the spelling nerd. I return to my original point though that a stationery company should be able to spell the word stationery...

You gotta love 'em

Remember Vistaprint? The stationery company. They make stationery. And sell stationery. To people who want stationery...

Their latest email advert suggests in very large letters that I, and I quote...

"Make your Own Home Stationary"

I'm not moved by this latest advert - geddit!? And I hope my home is already stationary thank you! - Geddit again?!

Seriously though, if I sold cars I'd learn how to spell 'car'. If I made furniture I'd learn how to spell 'furniture'. If I made stationery...I could carry on but you get the point...

Unless they're selling house glue to glue houses to the ground? In which case I apologise.

You mean I can't shoot them now?!

Could I just check something here?...Ofcom had a meeting at which they decided that Jeremy Clarkson's comments that 3 million people should be executed in front of their families "were not made seriously"? and "were not at all likely to encourage members of the public...to act on them in any way".

Well, thanks Ofcom. I trust it was a long and difficult meeting with strong arguments on both sides - or was it a big fat waste of time? And paid for by the public?

Right...I think Ofcom should be strung up as this is the only language they understand? Call the police immediately! Or at least have a meeting to decide whether I've broken the law or any rules of any kind.

How can we have come to this point? - shoot the 31,000 people who (apparently) complained too! Blather. blather. blather!

Yes Yes Yes! With a Cherry on top!

I suppose this is a bit like a tweet (though longer) - and a bit like my idea of what a 'typical' blog would be...

Anyway...point is I saw Cherry Ghost acoustic in Leeds last night and it were fab! Just yer singer man plus a guitar player. Had a word with the guitar player afterwards and he seemed to be a very friendly chap too! Slow versions of 'the hits' and album tracks. A few songs at the beginning which I assumed were new ones being tested out. Apparently these were actually old ones. You could tell they were great though even on first hearing.

Anyway, atmospheric and brilliant and whatnot. I'd really like to do some sort of discussion group or seminar on the lyrics - they go from completely bonkers to pretty much cliches via the odd line of 6th form poetry (sorry yer man...) but more than a sprinkling of some of the best lines ever written! All in one song it seems to me. Just to be clear, overall the lyrics are ace and I wonder if the slightly 'familiar' phrases are there fully on purpose as a kind of counterpoint to the odder stuff.

This is what Bon Iver lyrics are like too by the way in my 'umble opinion (the only crow dangling keys ever to break your heart - listen to 'Re Stacks'). Incidentally I don't think I'm confusing the odd dodgy line with pop lyrics. Lines like "if you're homesick, give me your hand and I'll hold it" are great pop lyrics.

Whatever, go and buy the 2 Cherry Ghost albums. If you have to download one song to take to the desert island it's Barbarini Square (not played last night by the way - though they did play My God Betrays whihc is nearly as good). If you don't get that one then you have no heart, soul, sense of humour or knowledge of great music and what it can do - go and listen to Capital or something and leave me alone!

They're on at the Deershed Festival. Last year I went to Deershed as I'd just discovered the sublime I am Kloot (who were sublime!). Cherry Ghost are on this year. This is enough to persuade me to go - and I'm not a festival goer you know

Bands like Cherry Ghost and I am Kloot and Bon Iver are just ace so I'm feeling good about the music world at the moment - and don't forget Bill Callahan!

Valentine's Day - Free!

Since it's 14th February I've made me song 'Valentine's Day' free to download from bandcamp. Follow this link or paste it into your browserbot or whatever and you can have it - for free! Because it's Valentine's Day. And you're worth it!...

http://johnparkes.bandcamp.com/track/valentines-day

PS by 'Free' I mean actually free i.e. you don't pay anything. Not like 'Free' from Vistaprint...

Wanna Olympic size that? / Killer drones

There seem to be three main official firms associated with the Olympics - Cadburys (chocolate and fizzy drinks), McDonalds ('burgers') and whatever the other one is - Pepsi or Coke I dunno, no-one cares in real life. That's fizzy drinks again. I imagine that actual competitors wouldn't be even allowed to touch any of this lot and certainly wouldn't be advised to.

I wonder if the authorities will be sending the killer drones in to get people in the 'wrong' food firm's t-shirts? (Metropolitan Police - 'Official killer drone suppliers to London 2012'?)

Finally I saw a statement from McDonalds that included the phrase "Nothing is more important to us than serving great tasting food made from high quality ingredients"

Parody, ladies and gentlemen, is dead.

Dracula Plums

This was scary. Frozen plums. Frozen without being cooked. Taken out of the freezer months later. Turned not to dust but to dark brown mush. In front of our eyes. Scary!

Let me take you down...

Here's a current pricelist / advert I received from Vistaprint...

Photo Mug Now FREE Invitations Now FREE
Business Cards Now FREE Postcards Now FREE
T-Shirt Now FREE Return Address Labels Now FREE
Premium Banner Now FREE Stickers Now FREE
Photo Notebook Now FREE Letterhead Now FREE
Spiral Photo Book Now FREE FREE Cotton Bag Order NOW
Note Cards Now FREE Personal Website FREE Trial
Thank You Cards Now FREE Small Rubber Stamp Now FREE
FREE Keyring Order NOW FREE Mouse Pad Order NOW

So everything is free then! What can I actually have for nothing? - why nothing of course! When do you find out how much 'free' costs? - Why, when you're at the end of your order of course!

Modern business methods eh? Where nothing is real!

Free is expensive! - And annoying

Jabba the Hut / Stuffed Crusts...

Pizza Hut merit another mention. They're still advertising their pizza delivery service in areas (i.e. my house) to which they don't deliver, but that's just super efficient private enterprise for you...

The advert reminds me that a while back I was in Scarborough searching for something to eat. Pizza Hut was about the only place open. I hadn't been in one for years. All the food was fatty, salty and /or sugary and there was virtually no topping on the pizza. What there was tasted of a kind of pizza topping flavoured gloop from a tube. I imagine that monosodium glutomate with added salt must taste like this. Add yellow colouring and call it cheese, add a bit of flour and water and call it pizza base, add brown colouring and sugar and call it chocolate fudge cake.

I expect they take on clever graduates who calculate that if they take 2mg of cheese off each pizza worldwide the CEO can take home another million dollars a year or something. Follow that policy for 20 years and here's where you end up.

The worry is that a lot of people never get to taste proper food and we'll all be there within 20 years, fresh food having been banned as not sufficiently supportive of monopoly capitalism or something.

I have a sudden urge to watch the film Silent Running...

Positive if not that interesting

Here's something that would have been described in The Young Ones as 'a bit crawly bum lick'...

But, so far I really like my new employers. They seemed to like me and said nice things about me and seem to appreciate what I've done in the past. This is what's supposed to happen. If disillusion sets in it should take some time, it shouldn't happen before they've even offered you a job.

If I were an employer I'd be a bit nervous about employees blogging, so once more I'm not going to tell the world their name. This is actually more to do with what I will refer to as 'the dance school incident' than anything else...

Lubricants is the word

This 'ere job opportunity is entirely legitimate. I present it here merely because it amuses me...

"My client is seeking an experienced Area Business Manager within the lubricants field...Ideally experience within the Lubricants market but failing that candidates would be considered from Chemical, Grease or Industrial fluids background".

I think I just wish I was from 'the lubricants field' - or from a grease or industrial fluids background!

That organisation...

That organisation that I was slagging off for not telling me the result of my job application - they offered me the job! Ha Ha! I turned them down. I should of course have sent them away with a customer service flea in their ear. Unfortunately I'm far too weasly. And they seem quite nice really. I have another job now - that allows me time to be discovered by Stephen Fry or something...

Nothing to do with Mums...

I know someone rather well who is a member of the 'Institute for Learning'. They're forced to join this club but that's another issue. Point is that the membership card arrived today - if you join you can put the letters 'MIFL' after your name. I guess this stands for 'Member of the Institute For Learning'.

For some reason I can't fathom this really amuses my tiny brain!