Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Lawnmower delivery update

I forgot to mention – I ordered the lawnmower previously referred to online as the shop (I’ll call it shop and not ‘store’ thank you) didn’t have any of the most suitable model in stock - except on display of course.  This is the good old fashioned routine I’m used to...But order online by 6pm and they guarantee delivery the next day.  I raced home from the shop and got the order in at 5.48 on the Wednesday afternoon.  By 7pm on Thursday the thing hadn’t arrived so I called their customer helpline (which was actually still open) to find out what had happened.  I was told that really I needed to have ordered it a couple of hours earlier for next day delivery as it takes a while for them to process the order. 

So...if you’re ordering from B&Q just nip over to wherever they’re based and find out how much before the 6pm cut-off point is the real life cut-off point that's not the advertised cut-off point.  Or stay in all day the day after the one they say they’re going to deliver on...
I would make some quip suggesting violent retribution but the police do their policing via the internet now and their sense of proportion was taken away in government cuts...So I won’t.

Making do with one lawnmower

Sometimes I love the stupidity of online...For example...I just bought a lawnmower online (I know, rock and roll!) – the website I’ve just bought the lawnmower from then says ‘you may also want...’ – and shows me a list of suggestions for things I might also want to go with my new lawnmower.  This consists of a string of pictures of, guess what? – Lawnmowers!

Now I don’t know about you, and call me crazy if you like, but I’d suggest that if you’re in the business of selling lawnmowers via your website a really bad time to try to sell someone a lawnmower is 10 seconds after they’ve just bought a lawnmower from your website.

And now I’m being pursued by lawnmowers.  I can’t visit a website without banners and side thingies and pop ups with adverts for lawnmowers.  I guess there may be things that having bought one customers are desperate to immediately buy another one – but lawnmowers?
I’m going to ignore being stalked by lawnmowers.  I’m going to follow some of the other adverts – hey look! -  Here they have ‘championship football results at great prices’! And ‘still looking for can I paint on plasterboard?’  – I guess they have software that doesn’t work properly – the clever young pups of marketing.

While I’m wooing you with sexy lawnmower talk – the lawnmower I bought cost £68.  The extended protection guarantee’ costs £2.99 a month for 10 months or £19.90 a year...You work it out...

Meanwhile here’s the latest tempting offer just through from B&Q in the wake of my lawnmower purchase from B&Q (though it could be from Flymo in the wake of me having just bought a Flymo) – If I sign up to the Flymo Gardening Club e-newsletter for free I can be entered into a prize draw to win a fantastic Flymo UltraGlide!  I rather assume this is a lawnmower.  A bit like the one I just bought...

Yes, I just bought a lawnmower.  But just the one – for now...

Laugh? I nearly drowned! - An urgent message from the safety elf

I have an urgent update from the world of instructions...this is the best one since the one about not letting burglars in through the cat-flap...This one is from the instructions for some Slazenger swimming goggles. 

The first item in the “GB: Fitting Instruction” is a WARNING – “use only under competent supervision”...well, OK, I guess that means no-one can use them to swim unsupervised - but the second part of the first sentence on the instruction leaflet says “WILL NOT PROTECT AGAINST DROWNING”

So...There you have it.  All you people who breath through your eyes should really be careful and I repeat just to make the warning crystal clear – that WEARING SWIMMING GOGGLES WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM DROWNING!  Have you got that people?

I’m going to have to contact Slazenger I guess – will my trunks protect me against drowning?  Or flippers perhaps?  At my local pool people have been wearing goggles on their eyes and breathing through their noses - the fools!

Sunday, May 04, 2014

Designer frames?

I've just ordered some new glasses.  As in specs.  I have a couple of random thoughts.  The first is when did it become such a money making racket?  Sure, nowadays I have complicated lenses and whatnot but when did the inevitable response to the question 'can I have some new glasses please?' become 'certainly sir, that'll be four hundred and fifty pounds'?

The other one is how do they invent the frames that are not 'designer frames'?  Do these frames not have a designer?  Do they have one shed containing Giorgio Armani and Kok Wank sitting down with sketch books and Mac books and another shed with half a dozen monkeys with some bits of wire and string throwing frames together for plebs? 

I think what they mean is that the cheaper frames have been designed by a designer that you've not heard of.  Mind you. I haven't heard of most of the designers.  Some were apprently designed by the Police for a start.  Whether this was Sting and co or your local Community Support Officer wasn't clear.

But the main cost is still the lenses - silver, gold or platinum sir?  I'd like the plutonium lenses please!  As advertised by the silver haired couple with perfect teeth.  Or could I have the magnesium ones?  And a match. 

Trouble is I like to see and I don't want to look really stupid (a bit stupid is fine!) so they've got me.  And my money... 

System's down mate!

Not that you'll remember but I posted a while back about a shopping trip to the local Co-op to buy a loaf of bread when they had a power cut to the till.  They had bread, I had money, we both knew the price but they apparently didn't have enough electricity in the right place to actually sell me anything.

Well...same happened at my local post office recently.  To be fair I have 2 local post offices.  The nearer one is a bit useless and they don't seem to know how to do anything very post-officey.  The slightly further away one is really good and they know what they're doing.  They might have had the gumption to improvise and to have avoided what I'm about to relate...

But...on this occasion I went to the nearest post office.  There was a hand-written sign on the counter window saying 'system down'.  There was a man fiddling with a magazine at the counter (might have been the Puzzler or something similar).  I approached and he pointed at the sign and shouted 'system's down'!  I explained that I just wanted some second class large letter stamps and he said 'sorry mate, the system's down'.  So it seemed the system was, er, down.  I suggested that maybe he could sell me some stamps anyway.  I knew he had stamps and I assured him I had money and I said he surely must have something that told him how much stamps were.  Absolutely no bloody use at all.  There was no way apparently that he could take some stamps out of the book he had in front of him and take my money and give me the stamps I wanted given the fact that the 'system' was 'down'!  He said I could buy some ordinary stamps from the other counter (the grocery counter) where apparently the system was less down or it's down or upness was less crucial to the process of selling me stamps.  But of course they only had small letter stamps not big letter stamps.  Perhaps 'the system' isn't interested in the tiny but only the slightly bigger. you know.  If the system is down you can still buy stamps.  But only small ones.  From the non post-office counter in the psot office. 

If we ever have a prolonged power cut or system downage we'll all starve and everything will stop.  The shop can be full of whatever it is you want.  You may have money and you may be able to add up or just know what items cost.  But they won't be able to sell you anything because the electricity is off somewhere or the system.  Is. Down!

Size is really wasteful and annoying

Dear supermarkets, petrol stations and all shops.  Could you please fix it for me next time I buy anything to LET ME HAVE A RECEIPT THAT'S LESS THAN 2 FEET LONG?!!! 

A single receipt would be nice - Ideally just one piece of paper.  Perhaps 2 or 3 inches in length.  Also, I'd like not to have an advert for 5p a litre off petrol that you don't sell at your supermarket or for discounts on things that I've never bought before but your computer tells me I might be interested in.  And I don't need a receipt for my shopping and a separate receipt for the method I used to pay for my shopping.  You could actually not give me a receipt at all on most occasions if you like.