Saturday, November 10, 2007


Now don't get me wrong, I kind of like ebay. I use it and they haven't done anything really bad or stupid to me and it generally works OK.

However, they've started sending me a 'magazine' which kind of says 'use ebay, you can buy stuff'.

Thing is I know this. I know that you can buy lots of stuff on ebay!

Don't send me a magazine. If you must send me an email...


I'm vaguely looking for a job, part-time so I can carry on making my fortune in the music business. I get an email saying that a 'featured recruiter' (from some website or other) is 'seeking talented people'.

This top firm turns out to be the 'world's local bank' HSBC. 'We know talent when we see it' they say.

So how much does this top firm pay its talented staff?

£13,300 a year to be a 'Customer service and Sales Representative' Presumably having to talk to pissed off customers or people who don't want to be sold 'financial products'. Great.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Post Twonks 2

'Royal Mail' have sent me a letter with the subject line ‘Add a festive touch with a Christmas stamp’

I quote:
“Imagine you have two letters in front of you. Which one would you open first? The one with the postage stamp, or the one with a printed postmark?”

It continues:

“It may seem like a small detail, but anecdotal evidence suggests that letters with stamps are perceived as having a positive, personal touch, and are far more likely to be opened. And independent research shows that direct mail makes the recipient feel more valued than email or e-newsletters. That’s why we want to help you make your post stand out this Christmas with our special edition festive stamps”.

Is it saddest (most sad?) that Royal Mail waste money on this kind of thing or that I expend energy getting annoyed about it?

If only they had some system whereby I could ACTUALLY FUCKING POST A LETTER YOU HALFWITS! (see previous entry on letterbox)
My theory that the Post Office is bored of doing stuff like delivering mail continues to be reinforced.

Quite understandably the post box near where I work was closed due to firework attack a few days before bonfire night. I noticed on 6th November that it hadn’t been re-opened. I mentioned this to the post office staff who kind of shrugged. It’s now 9th and I’ve been queuing in the post office just to hand over post too damn long. I called ‘Royal Mail’ and asked them when they were going to let people actually post letters again. The answer is ‘several weeks’. Yup, that’s several WEEKS to send someone to take a metal plate out of a letter box.

Be quicker getting a metal plate taken out of your head…No wonder people want to firebomb the useless bunch of twonks.

The Dentists

I have arranged a dental appointment. For the second time in a row its been at 2.30.

This amuses me greatly...

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

News just in from Gloria Hunniford

Gloria appears through the letterbox to say that ‘Funerals aren’t getting any cheaper’

By way of explanation she says ‘Prices do have a habit of going up don’t they? And funeral prices are no exception’.

Well, who needs to go to college to get an education? – just read the 'Advertising Feature Magazine' in What’s on TV. And yes, they do call the 2 pages of Gloria an 'Advertising Feature Magazine'.

Gloria also things that ‘forewarned is forearmed’ Almost like having your own village wise woman eh? A stitch in time saves a muckle eh?

Mini Cabs

The last 3 minicabs I have seen in the last 24 hours have:

1. Done an illegal u-turn on Roundhay Road
2. Run a red light at the junction of Roundhay Road and Harehills Lane
3. Driven over the car park fencing at the Rounday Park bonfire before driving off down the wrong side of the road - before pushing into the traffic when a car came the other way

Do they do some sort of test? When I'm driving I twitch 'like a man on a fuzzy tree' until I've got away from them somehow. They don't seem to be able to drive more than 100yds without doing some illegal stunt.

North by Northwest

This week I was involved in my own mini version of the crop-spraying plane scene from Hitchcock’s North by Northwest. Or maybe it was ‘Duel’ (you know, the one where Dennis Quaid gets chased by a tyrannosaurus truck that looks big in his wing mirrors).

So, I’m Dennis Quaid but on foot, on Easterly Road. The truck is a man from the Council on a very small but surprisingly nippy and waspish weed spraying tractor which goes at just a bit faster than my fastest walking pace. He's chasing me! He really is chasing me! He has to stop once in a while to spray weeds so I get ahead. Then I see him buzzing like a swarm of small crop spraying Council hornets swaying from side to side in my wing mirrors, catching me up, slowly, slowly, he’s getting closer, he’s nearly on top of me, I can’t walk any faster, he’s actually going to run me over, oh my God no! But I’m on the path, I’ve got right of way, surely he’ll stop?….He’s stopped, phew. Couple of sprays and he’s after me again – for nearly a mile down the road!

Clothes in rags, shoes hanging off, tie down my back, I finally make it to work and slam the door...There's no twist here I'm afraid.

Last Weekend

I pre-do my blog in Word you know. This means it's not always as up to date as it should be (that and the fact that I try not to say too much if there's nothing to say - whaddya mean you hadn't noticed?) So the below if a few days old...

It’s not often that you can pinpoint when a ‘new thing’ becomes just a ‘thing. Strangely, it happened with the kettle today. The ‘Turbowasserkucher’ we had went back to Romford, the WSM spare practice room kettle stopped working and we got a new one (fascinated so far?) Today I picked it up and filled it (just as much as I needed, mind) and thought ‘weren’t we going to get a new kettle’? So, there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the exact moment the ‘the new kettle’ became just ‘the kettle’ in my head. How long did this take? I dunno, I’m not that weird.

It’s been a strange weekend for reasons I’m not telling you about. The leaves decided to fall off the trees this weekend. Friday, clear lawns, Sunday, covered lawns

Been playing the Sundays which is a strange mood to be in…

A Free Gift

Always up for a free gift me. My favourite for now is from Viking Direct the stationery people - "Buy 6 packs of Post-it Warm Pastel Notes and receive a FREE pair of pyjamas"....and all I got was lousy cheap radio.

Notice I managed not to comment on the pointless wankiness of 'Warm Pastel Notes'.

By the way, the proportion of people who know the difference between stationery (paperclips and stuff) and stationary (not moving) is about 5% these days I reckon.

Mind you, I can't work out 'practice' and 'practise' so that's me telt.

The 'Academy'

If my eyes are not deceiving me Leeds City Council call the place where they train call centre staff their ‘Contact Centre Academy’. I wonder if the academitions have to walk about with a pile of books on their heads while not showing their legs and climb in a mini or something?

As usual, someone is having a laugh…

…but they made up for it with the fireworks display at Roundhay Park. Always a pleasure to be frisked by security while listening to some goon from Magic 828 playing the Nolans too loud on an inadequate sound system.