Saturday, August 18, 2007

My Quest

There's a free copy of my CD and a bar of chocolate to anyone who can convince me that they've got scratchcards in a magazine and not won the 'gold prize' or top prize or whatever its called. I always scratch them and have never not won - on the second of two or third of three.

So, my quest is - find me a losing series! I'll then contact the company in great distress pleading with them to let me have a 'holiday voucher' despite the fact that I haven't won.

I only ever phoned up about a 'prize' I'd 'won' once. This was years ago. I'd won a 'free cruise' no less. The company were as good as their word - they explained how I could collect my free foot passenger ticket on the Dover Calais ferry - worth £7 at the time I think. I thought it worth the price of the call to find out. This was before the £1.50 a minute call I should say. Duty (free) calls...


Kind of half in jest I followed a link about putting adverts on the blog. I thought I'd baled out before anything happened but I've just received an acknowledgement email. The idea is that I become a corporate scum sucker and monumental hypocrite! You see adverts and I get money (a small amount I bet). There might be some amusement value in seeing what the 'targetted advertisements' would be - I hope June Whitfield pops up.

However, the email says 'We look forward to reviewing your site so you can start displaying targeted Google ads' which means I assume they'll say that this blog is not suitable. We'll see. If the blog disappears completely it'll be the dark forces of the net police (I wonder if they employ 'civilians' on the desk?) what'll have done it.

I'll probably be below the payment threshold too - you know, not enough visits. Not even a successful corporate whore I bet....More later - and possibly with ads!

Sandwich bag

Last Friday I bought a sandwich from the shop near work. Strangely, these days I find the 'old fashioned' type of sandwich shop a bit annoying. You know, the sort that look at you like you're mad should you want a sandwich at 1.45pm when its clearly too late and they're closing. I wouldn't dream of trying that one on, I went in at 12.15. At 12.15 they occasionally have exotic stuff like 'brown bread'. They seem to order half a dozen brown breadcakes for the local sandal wearers (a group in which I'm included, though I don't wear sandals).

Anyway, my sandwich came in a bag with one of those loathsome life-styley matey advert things printed on it, designed to connect with your 'lifestyle' and sell you stuff. So - please just fuck off. I now hate you and will curse you with my dying breath. Why? Because you print up sandwich bags with this kind of stuff on:

....'I'd sauntered out of the house that morning with'.... No, I'm sorry I just can't do it. It's this story where a woman gets invited out but she looks such a mess and has to find a waxing salon a hairdressers and a nail bar before she can say yes to the 'gorgeous temp from reception'. Oh God - hey, a male temp, that's just like so modern and zeitgeisty and like coool? Or just twattish and annoying. If I were paid to write this kind of thing I would drown in a pool of my own self loathing slime. have trademarked 'Results for real life'. I have copyrighted 'twats for the furnace. Enough!

Junk Mail

I got an advert the other day. Junk mail from ‘Magic Loans Limited’. ‘Make it a summer to remember’ they say (just after they’ve just said ‘spring into action’ - I nearly split my sides but I was too busy admiring their cleverness). They suggest a ‘dreamed of makeover’ (something to do with bathrooms it would appear) or ‘the holiday of a lifetime’. They don’t say ‘get into debt – we’ll take all your money’. Perhaps they forgot that bit. However, they do include a first class pre-paid envelope.

With that in mind, here’s my advice:

Always take action on your junk mail – if you don’t how will they ever learn? Don’t just bin it or it’ll keep coming.

If you’re lazy, simply return to sender. However, when you’re writing on the envelope, remember to be as foul mouthed and offensive as your imagination will let you. They need to know that you’re psychotic and not to be trifled with. Try to write in something that looks like blood or excrement.

If you’ve got a bit more righteous energy, then make sure you use the return envelope – it will cost them money! They will pay for your revenge! So, write them a personal note. Suggest they’re all terrorist paedophiles who bum dogs, something really offensive that they might genuinely get concerned about – or simply threaten them with violence.

Finally, remember to include your contact details!

Having said all that, I find that an old fashioned Viz ‘Rude Kid’ statement works well. I suggest ‘piss up a rope fuckstick!’ I also asked them not to send me any more of their shite (another good word). I like the Viz phrase because it’s kind of difficult to work out precisely what it means. Adds to the fun I find. They’re loan companies. They should be on the dole not doing any harm to anyone.

Even more cars!

I’m so disappointed that the Bill Plant School of Motoring is an organisation and not just a bloke with a car in Leeds. I thought it was Mr Plant himself surfing the red light while chatting on his mobile the other morning. I’ve seen him before. I kind of assume that the bloke driving was a driving instructor. Not for long if I have anything to do with it.

Police Reception

I wonder what happens if you present the police with a list of details of dangerous motoring offenses with number plates, dates, times etc. Somehow I think they’ll have an ‘official position’ and reality will be somewhat different. Have you ever waited at the desk at a police station? Rude, impatient and arrogant? Never! They get ‘civilians’ to do this these days – and on not much more than minimum wage. There was enough scum to deal with in, pay them more and make them be polite - OK?

More vehicles

Next person who makes an illegal left turn from Roundhay round through the pedestrian crossing (with green man showing) is either going to get their car / other vehicle vandalised or I’m going to take their number and report them to someone. Annoyingly, the last twat who did this while I was on the crossing was in a well marked van. If I’d have thought I could have got the number and phoned his company – it was something like ‘Ideal Heating Solutions’ (a white transit and one of those stupid ‘modern’ names!). Instead I shouted a loud but not particularly eloquent ‘Oy, what do you think you’re doing?!’ You will find if you do this that what comes out is not what you would necessarily have wished to say had you had time to think.

I think attacking the vehicle physically probably has the primal energy needed for ‘closure’ though you won’t get thrown out of Militant Pedestrians if you just shout. It’s the not doing anything at all but seething that one should avoid. Just in case I need to remind anyone, there are several no left turn signs, an arrow in the road and the angle of the turn also makes it bleedin’ obvious. Then there’s the people crossing and the presence of the green man. He looked like a smug twat too, shades and all (that's the van 'driver' not the green man).

Fairweather Friends

I’m a ‘named driver’ on insurance for an old Ford Escort. The name of the company that supplies the insurance? - ‘Fairweather Insurance’. Our fair weather friends indeed.

It's the only way to live - in cars

There’s a white Porsche for sale near my house – £4,000 or Mrs Lennon (Ono – ho ho!). It’s been parked on the ‘grass’ verge (i.e. the off road parking facility) for a couple of weeks now. Today 2 new angry signs appeared stuck to the underside of the windscreen – ‘NO TIMEWASTERS’ they say in big red letters.

I’m not entirely sure that the timewasters will know that it refers to them….’well, I’m a timewaster I guess so I’d better not ring…’ At least it shows that Mr Porsche owner wants people to know he’s pissed off. I approve of this. It also shows that he’s pissed off – I approve of this too! A win-win for me with the added pleasure of knowing that the timewasters won’t recognise themselves so he’s almost certainly wasting his time – hurrah!