Double meanings / misunderstandings 2

I’m aware that people are into ringtones these days. I was intrigued therefore to discover old people apparently having them delivered in a small van.

I thought you called up or load-downed them from the interweb or something. Unfortunately the van turned out not to be selling ringtones but was actually from Ringtons (the tea and coffee delivery people). I should've known that ringtones don't get delivered in a 'traditional style' wicker basket.

Double meanings / misunderstandings 1

I rather liked the idea of Stanningley Road in Armley being dug up and repaired by Koalas. They could nip up to Town Street to see if the new shiny pie shop sells eucalyptus leaves.

Unfortunately, the people doing the road turned out to be a company called ‘Colas’ and not koalas at all (yes, we know they're not bears at all, actually...) Mind you, if one of the colas was Panda Cola...

Now I know for a fact that they are bears (or not, obviously)

More stuff with which to deal

I’m getting sick of being invited to enter talent competitions. The ‘Independent Music Awards’ for example. They say it could make you famous. I suppose it could. On the other hand it could just mean paying $30 to be 'judged' by Aimee Mann. Oh, and the bloke from the Smithereens (who’s roadie incidentally acted like a total arsehole when I was in a band that supported them many years ago – people don’t forget this kind of stuff).

There was another one that appears to be sponsored by Barclay’s Bank. They’re the people who know about cutting edge guitar and singer / schlongwriter music I suppose.

It’s easy to despair.

I am sooo cool

Hey, I'm cool! This is my cool summer holiday reading list - and it's cool. You may disagree...

The Rough Guide to Conspiracy Theories
The Baader Meinhof Complex by Stefan Aust
High Priests, Quantum Genes by Michael Hayes (subtitle: Science, Religion and the Theory of Everything’)
Holocaust – A History by D. Dwork & R Van Pelt
Archangel by Robert Harris

Either that or I'm reading the latest Katie Price and a three day old Daily Mail down at Alison and Dave's English fry-up bar in Majorca

Paddington

You should read Paddington books for the social history. The Browns for example have a few quid (they have a live-in housekeeper...) but at Christmas they're staying in one room because there's no fire in the other room. They don't seem to have heating at all upstairs - and they use whitewash to paint. And so it goes on - ticket collectors on barriers. Well, as I say, it goes on.

If you've never heard of Paddington he's a Peruvian bear who speaks English and likes marmalade. Keep up.

Definitely a Dad!

I’d like to admit to some extremely ‘Dad-ish’ behaviour recently. This has been disputed by at least one person I know who told me that this behaviour had nothing in it inherent to being a Dad (there goes my grammar again…possibly) I disagree. Only Dads would do this.

So, here we go (swallows hard) – last Saturday morning I found myself pacing up and down, waiting, listening and looking at my watch because I wanted ‘a word with the binmen’. I’m sorry, but wanting a word with the binmen is just something that only a properly seasoned Dad would do.

Having a word with the binmen would normally involve a complaint, so for those who are interested I have to tell you that this ‘word’ was not a complaint – I was getting rid of bananas! I’m not going to explain that further just because its not very interesting.

I’m off to draw shapes round all my tools and hang them on the garage wall on individual hooks with labels.

Calling David Slade

Years ago I was in a band called Greenhouse and a bloke called David Slade did a video for us. I think he must’ve done it for free or certainly for very little so he’s certainly in my list of ‘good guys’. It featured lots of quick flashing Super-8 images and pretty good it was too – though didn’t actually feature the band very much at all which was a bit frustrating at the time. Turns out that he’s now pretty famous – he’s done videos for Stone Temple Pilots, Muse, Aphex Twin and Tori Amos apparently (incidentally I managed to persuade a colleague once that this was pronounced ‘Torremolinos’ but that’s another story…) as well as directing the film ‘Hard Candy’.

Well, I’ve dug out the video and had it transferred to DVD and I want to put in on youtube. Thing is, I don’t really want to do this without him saying it’s OK. The video starts with ‘Copyright David Slade 1991’ on it, though he gave us the copyright as a thank you / apology for some delay in finishing it off. I think we had that in writing and I may even have the letter (though that might be a bit of a long shot).

So, to cut a long story short should David himself read this (which I guess is unlikely!) or if anyone knows him maybe you’d put him in touch somehow. I’m sure Greenhouse do own the copyright and I can’t think of any circumstance which would make it worth money but if ‘copyright David Slade’ pops up on youtube there might be someone who’ll get upset. On the other hand it’d be a bit rubbish just to edit that bit off the beginning. I guess I should relax and just use it like everyone else seems to do and I’m sure he wouldn’t find his ‘early work’ embarrassing but I’m putting this on t’blog as a kind of public record that I was looking for him and wanted to ask if it was OK and if he remembers giving us the copyright. So David, if you’re out there I’d like to put the Greenhouse video on youtube and I’d like you to confirm that’s OK with you!

Total Anchors

It’s weird how whole rafts of apparently intelligent English speaking human beings can get the meaning of simple words wrong – or at least not realise that some words have more than one meaning. A few years back even Leeds City Council realised that the proposed ‘Community Regeneration and Planning’ department would be called CRAP…Actually, that’s spotting the acronym I guess. Anyway, through work I occasionally see mention of ‘Community Anchors’. The ‘Community Alliance’ (tag line: ‘transformation through community anchors’!) defines them as “independent community-led organisations. They are multi-purpose and provide holistic solutions to local problems and challenges, bringing out the best in people and agencies”. Nuff said...

Actually, I’ve probably mentioned this before – but here goes again…Thing is, most people know what an anchor is (leaving aside any rhymes that may spring to mind) – it’s something on a long heavy chain you throw overboard which then drags along the bottom slowing you down until finally you come to a complete stop. So who wants to be in an organisation described as a ‘community anchor? And I wonder where the money comes from for this?

Anonymous

This is a bit old now but here it is anyway -

I know having a pop at ITV is like shooting ducks in a barrel or something but the advert for a programme called ‘anonymous’ was indeed a wonder to behold. What you do is take a small group of people you don’t recognise and nobody has heard of; then you disguise them so no-one will know who they are. Finally you send them out into the street to see if anybody recognises them! Totally brilliant! If I remember rightly even the makers of this programme may it seems have spotted the fatal flaw (i.e. that no one recognises or has heard of their ‘celebrities’) by making them interact with friends and relatives to se if they recognise them. I was very disappointed to find the advert at the pictures featuring kids breaking up clouds was an advert for ITV – if only the programmes were as good…

Mind you, the BBC had a woman crawling round the floor eating dog food from a bowl so she could experience what it was like to be a dog - and a man in pigshit. It is good to know you're not missing anything on telly.

The ID Card

Hey folks, the government are still after you and Big Brother has not taken his beady eye off your balls. This is recent stuff from NO2ID. The whole anti ID thing is basically about not being catalogued and tracked by the state like you were one of their pets.

** The ID scheme has NOT been shelved, cancelled, or even significantlychanged **Once more government spin has triumphed and much of the media has got itwrong. The new Home Secretary Alan Johnson has not made any significant changes to the scheme. Compulsion by stealth is still the order of theday, just as it always was. Someone joining the ID scheme 'voluntarily'will still be placing control of their identity in the hands of the IPS for life.The Home Office line remains the same. No compulsion (as the Home Office defines it) was going to be applied until almost everyone had'volunteered' and then it was only a matter of rounding up a minority of resisters and marginalised people.The Home Office's idea of "voluntary" is not the same as yours and mine. Since 2004 the scheme was (and it still is) to proceed by "designating"one-by-one under the Identity Cards Act 2006 other documents issued by official bodies -- in the first place passports. Once a document has been designated, you won't be able to apply for one without also applying to be entered, for life, on the national identity register. If you don't agree to be registered it won't be that you are refused (say) a passport; you'd have voluntarily decided not to apply. There's no compulsion to have a passport. It is useful for travelling. But you aren't compelled to travel. Or (say) to drive. Or to work as a security guard. Or with children. Or in healthcare. To get parole from prison. To practice as a lawyer. ...Any official licence, registration certificate or permit can be designated, and -- in the home office's skewed logic -- handing control of your identity to the Home Office's Identity and Passport Service will still be entirely voluntary. That they were due for a confrontation with the airside worker's unions over designating new passes at Manchester and City Airports is an illustration of just how voluntary "voluntary" really is. But the fact they have now ducked that fight for political convenience suggests saying no does work - if you say it loudly enough.

So...(this is back to me now) Just say no - and watch out for the Community Support riot police...

Bus Drivers

Well, who'd have thought? Within the last couple of weeks I have twice found myself running for a bus just as it was about to pull away. Guess what happened...On both of these occasions the bus driver stopped, opened the doors and actually let me on! This is First Bus! In Leeds!

Maybe they've had a training course or had rear view mirrors fitted. Perhaps I was just lucky. Maybe we'll reach a point when this will not be worthy of note. Anyway, good news for once.

Car Clock

Apologies if this has been posted before, I can't remember and I can't be bothered to check...

On our old car you changed the clock by grabbing a sticky - out bit and twiddling it until the clock showed the right time. It even had little buttons for making fine adjustment. Easy, intuitive, mechanical (even though it was electric – you know what I mean) – and no problem. Now we have a new car. It is not possible to change the time on the clock! Not possible. The manual even admits it might not be possible. The car does all kind of stuff automatically (to the extent that if it breaks down a mechanic is the last person you want around) but you cannot set the clock to the right time!

The person or people who dreamt this up are probably still working in the motor industry. Why is there not a rebellion? We also have a spare tyre that only goes at 60km or something. Oh, and all the useful boot / back space has been neatly walled in with plastic so the car is much bigger but doesn’t have actual usable room – presumably we’re only allowed to use the small square space because we’re not qualified to stick things into nooks and crannies. I’ll be wanting to just open the door with a ‘key’ or wanting to wind the window down myself at this rate. Too late, sorry! And yet it takes the manual 15 pages to explain all this convenient simplicity!

I found out after writing this that with 20 minutes reading, a copy of the manual and half a dozen people you can actually set the clock to the right time! You can feel very proud of yourself - until you turn the ignition off when the clock sets itself to the wrong time again! Hurray!

Hand-washing Hand-wringing and the BNP

People keep sending me links to the 'not in my name' petition about the BNP. What a horrible whinging liberal thing this is - 'oh, like I'm terribly sorry but like, I didn't, like vote for them'. Yeah, you sign to say 'I didn't vote for them'. Great, that'll show Nick and the lads eh?

Maybe you didn't vote for them, but do you think signing a hand-wringing hand-washing petition will make any difference? We all know that most BNP supporters are those grey, pinched ugly people with no dress sense who smell a bit looking for someone else to blame for their unhappiness and lack of success in life. However, due to the fact that there is a lot of social injustice about (thanks New Labour for widening that class and income gap!) there are more of these people and they're fucking ignorant. So, you have to actually talk to people and learn stuff and put it about - and if you actually put some effort in rather than whining to your Guardian reading friends you might just prevent some people with legitimate concerns about political correctness and equality etc voting for the BNP.

Incidentally, the BNP are wide open on what they probably see as their home turf - patriotism. There's no more fun to be had than chatting to a potential BNP supporter quoting stuff about our glorious boys sticking it to the Nazis and quoting Winston Churchill's proud defence of the English as a 'mongrel race'.

Having said all that there's a great bit in a Woody Allen film where someone is talking about taking on Nazis via a great letter to the New York Times, while Woody is more inclined to actually get down there with baseball bats.

Finally, it is difficult to convince anyone that the BNP are Nazis when they're not allowed to give the salute openly and be overtly racist and the rest. This means that they should either be allowed to be publically racist so people can see them for what they really are or you need to have arguements ready that concede that they may not all actually be racist at all - there's plently of madness to go at, you just have to find the right bits. In the end not that many people are really so stupid you can't talk to them.

So...uncle John says jaw jaw not bleat bleat - and have that baseball bat to hand if its needed. Mind how you go now...

Oh how I lurve Firstbus!

I got on a bendy bus in Leeds recently. Someone has decided that since we can’t have trams they can sell us buses that ‘look a bit like trams’ and we’ll all be happy. However, I got on just as the doors were closing and was told off by the conductor (conductress? – can you say that these days?) for getting on the ‘wrong door’.

It has ‘exit only’ printed on it in small letters apparently. For some reason I’d neglected to search for door signage when getting on the bus. She said that some drivers make you get off again and get on at the other door. She may have been joking but since I’d spoiled the Firstbus drivers’ favourite game of shutting the door in passengers faces and driving off perhaps they do get cross enough to do this. Oddly, when the bus stopped it was OK to get off at the entrance door. I did explain that I thought it worked like a tram and I nearly asked her for an explanation of what anyone gained by only allowing you to get on at one set of doors. I didn’t. This is probably best. I decide to murder all those that stopped us getting trams instead. At his rate that film with Micheal Douglas getting more and more wound up and more and more violent due to frustration at idiots and their ways will soon by my favourite thing ('Falling Down' I think its called).

Oh Lordy, its the Council again

I go swimming most Sunday mornings at a Leeds City Council Pool. I naively thought that a) they’d want people to actually use the pool and b) they were providing some kind of service (paid for by my Council Tax and income tax). However, they’ve come up with the perfect wheeze to keep people away, cause them maximum inconvenience, generally annoy them and presumably prepare the case for closing pools down. What they do on a Sunday is this – they open up in the morning for an hour and a half. Then they kick everyone out and close the place for half an hour. Then they open again for an hour and a half and then close again for half an hour kicking everyone out - and so on throughout the day!

So, realistically you can only get in to swim during a small number of periods of about ½ an hour (maybe 45 minutes) during the day. If you get this timing wrong the pool will either be closed or about to close before you’ve had chance to actually swim. Presumably staff are paid when there’s no-one in the pool to pay their wages – and everyone gets to the showers and changing rooms at the same time.

The only hint as to what twisted logic they’ve used to come up with this system was a comment by the receptionist about swimming being made free for children – I think it may be do with ‘managing demand’ (of which in real life there is precious little) by making sure people don’t turn up and swim for hours (like they do, obviously).

Basically the only people who can go are the organized compliant types who don’t mind being pushed around by Leeds City Council for its own convenience and who can get themselves and the kids up and out on a Sunday morning without any time slipping by in any nonsense ‘let’s try and relax its Sunday morning’ kind of way. The toilets still stink by the way.

Can you imagine Tescos pulling this sort of stunt? Presumably they could do with some catch-up time and shelf stocking time if they got busy, but would they just close the shop for random half hours during the day? Actually no, I guess not. Mind you they probably don’t close their cafes at 3.30 on a Sunday afternoon when everyone wants a cup of tea either – that’s the Council again. To be fair, it’s a bit later in the summer – ‘bout 9 o’clock any good for you? Nah, 4 I think. Everyone’s back home 7 hours before it gets dark in June obviously.

It has occurred to me that I could and should write letters and phone councilors and whatnot. Unfortunately I have stuff to do so won’t get round to it. I shall just continue to harbour hate and contempt for the Council and Firstbus and the rest of them.

Electricity

I ordered something off ebay recently and its delivery was delayed. I got a note of apology from the seller. It said:

"Hi, I went to the post office today to post the cd and unfortunately they had a power cut and were unable to accept any parcels. Please accept my apologies for this..."

Now in what kind of a world can a post office not accept a CD in an envelope because of a power cut? Do they only have android counter staff who all shut off when there's no power? Do they not have a 'non electric space' where they can put stuff down? Do they not have stamps and weighing scales? What would they do in a real emergency? Actually because they're all so swish and modern these days they don't have stamps (they print out labels) and the scales are all digital - presumably because the old ones could be used and understood by customers. So when the power goes off the whole thing stops - not exactly the spirit of the blitz.

Mind you there's virtually nothing these days that doesn't need a computer and electricity to work (except it doesn't actually work very well of course). I say bring back hand cranking and scales with weights and clockwork, erm, clocks and cars that will start with a handle and all the rest of it. We could even have back up card index systems. One big bang or disease or weird computer bug and everone will starve to death for no good reason because nothing works. Doors won't open and cars won't move and all the rest. We are so totally dependent on this stuff that we would have no idea what to do if anything big went wrong. Everyone would be bleating for the 'emergency services' or 'the government' to come and sort everything out for them and we'd all starve for want of a battery for our digital tin openers.

Bus stop paranoia

There used to be a bus shelter in the middle of the Headrow in Leeds where you can get the 49 and 50 buses. It disappeared. At about the same time the massive new Argos 'Extra' opened just where the shelter used to be. As a miserable amateur conspiracy buff I started to convince myself that Argos probably had the power to object to bus shelters and get them removed due to them covering up Argos logos and their wonderful shop front. Then I saw a sticker on the bus stop saying that there would soon be a new shelter - what a silly paranoid little man I am eh?

However, this was weeks ago now and still no bus shelter. Maybe I am not mad. If it were Tescos I could be sure...I'll wait and see.

Scritti Politti 'White Bread Black Beer'

When I set this blog up I thought I would do more of this. Anyway, I bought another copy of White Bread Black Beer by Scritti Politti to give away as a present. I wrote this lot out in the time it took to write it (if you see what I mean - i.e. I did it quickly, straight off the top of me head) so the grammar and tenses sway a bit. However, it does convey some enthusiasm I think...

To be honest this album deserves proper research and information and putting into context and all that blather. However, I don’t have time for that. What I would like to tell you is that this is a GREAT, GREAT RECORD. I define that by the number of times I listen to it over time. This is one of those records that you like when you first hear it and have a little niggling urge to play again. Thing is that that urge didn’t start to fade until I got to about 60 complete listens. I put it on my MP3 player (a thing I’m a bit ambivalent about by the way) and just kept playing it – and I still want to keep listening to it! This puts it up there with the GREAT RECORDS that I’ve really loved over the years, Dylan’s Blood on the Tracks, various Beatles albums – the really great records of all time. More recently only the Shins Wincing the Night Away has done anything like this for me.

I remember reading years ago that Joni Mitchell album took a year to sink in and another year to appreciate. I think that this album also has some of that quality. Now it doesn’t actually sound like any of the people I’ve listed but it does mean that you don’t have to buy into any historical 1980s or Scritti Politti ‘place in pop history’ stuff to appreciate it - it just means it’s a great, great record.

OK, so after that some hints as to what it’s actually like. Well for a start you get a really gorgeous voice. High, even slightly androgynous, caressing even, smooth and perfect recorded to hear lip sounds (close to mike and compressed fact fans) and just great to listen to. The words are pop in a slightly twisted and fascinating way. You may not know exactly what a song is about but it’ll certainly sound like it’s about something - and its something interesting and pop but slightly dark, perhaps even very dark. Blood features a few times – feeding something or other blood from a spoon, a flag of blood and lipstick – and is that ‘bellywash blood’? – yuk! – But fabulous too. Darkness in pop is a very special thing when it’s done well – I mean what can ‘Touch me again and I’ll tell Mrs Hughes’ possibly be about? This is followed later in the song by ‘Tell me again and I’ll touch Mrs Hughes’. Thing is, I think I know what this might be about but can’t quite put it into words and it’s private so I’m not telling you anyway. If I knew exactly what it was about it might spoil it. The whole album allows you to interpret lyrics for yourself and kind of develop your own relationship with it - you only need the album – no photos of artist or interviews or context to persuade you why you like it, just the record itself in a world of its own and you in a world of your own with the record.

The songs are all great but often a bit fragmented (this is not a bad thing though it normally would be). One will start with some gorgeous Beach Boys like harmony which will stop and reappear later as if its part of the next song - which it actually might be – who cares!? The result is that 13 tracks sounds like around 30 – and for once this is a GOOD THING – there’s always another favourite moment coming up and the bit you’re listening to is likely to be a new favourite bit in another few listens. The music is home recorded. Again, this sounds like it might be a horrible amateur thing, but in fact it just means it’s a single unique vision. A lot of time must’ve been put into this. Like my Grandma’s buns – perfectly risen, perfectly mixed and with icing and a cherry on top. I haven’t really analysed the instrumentation but things occur as you go along – there are certainly acoustic guitars on there and there’s bass and some beat box type drums and probably a lot of the songs have no drums at all but who cares – if you’re eating the perfect bar of bitter sweet chocolate why bother to notice the exact percentage of cocoa butter?

So, this is pop – YEAH YEAH as XTC once said. Do yourself a favour and buy this record and listen to it a 1,000 times before you die. Put it up there with yer Beatles and Dylans and Mitchells if you’re me or alongside your own particular life enhancing / changing records.

I came to this record after hearing Stuart Maconie play a track on Radio 2. It was the single Snow in Sun and it sounded like slightly trippy, slightly fey modern psychedelia on first hearing. I thought I’d be buying something slightly twee but fun. In fact I got one of the best records I’ve hear in years.

This is an achingly good record. I’ve bought 3 copies so far so I can give them to people I know who deserve them and might appreciate them. A strange and beautiful thing!

That last post

That last post reminded me that comedians still do routines about buying Christmas presents at the last minute - I say 'Catch up'! - Christmas Eve is Easter egg time and you're not allowed to buy stuff except when its advertised. Follow the shops' agenda or get the hell out!

I don't understand shopping any more (in so far as I ever did) and I don't know why shops don't like me, my money or my attitude. Probably because I don't thank them for watching me and stuff.

If only people were paranoid snitches willing to shop anyone with a swarthy complexion and do what the government told them a bit more we could all be happy eh?! I love New Labour and all they've done. Sorry, I'm thinking posters again.

Easter Shopping!

It’s Good Friday today. Thought I’d buy an Easter egg, with it being Easter and all. I’d also read there were a lot about due to Woolworth’s going out of business. I was in town so I popped into Boots. No sign. Oh well, never mind, on to Tescos. Nope – no Easter eggs in Tescos either. Ok, Wilkinson’s – now if ever there was a shop (or am I only allowed to say ‘store’ these days) that would sell Easter eggs it would be the big Wilko’s in town. Nope - nothing there but an advert for ‘em in the window. No actual Easter eggs. The penny finally dropped – they’ve been selling them since Christmas and they think to themselves, what kind of idiot would buy an Easter egg only 2 days before Easter? Presumably I should have been looking for Father’s day cards (don’t get me started on that one) – Easter eggs at Easter? – What kind of loser am I?

This is actually good news as it saves money. It’s like the fact that telly is rubbish means there’s loads more time to do ‘other stuff’ – the result is the opposite of what ‘they’ presumably want - but I gain.

Eventually, I actually I found some Easter eggs in Sainsbury’s (the Headrow, Leeds if you were wondering). However this was not a particularly pleasant experience. You get into the shop at the front where the escalators are like gleaming white evangelical teeth. When they’ve got your money they kick you out into the alley at the arse-end of the shop (sorry, store). Not only that, but when you have done your shopping they make you line up to follow a queue to 400 serve-yourself checkouts in rows - looks like the biggest urinal in history. With dozens of attendants to make sure you’re doing their job correctly for them They had a single till where someone took your money and of course this had a massive queue.

I want to know what I get from the supermarkets for doing their job for them. This whole ‘come on, come on, we’ve let you buy stuff so hurry up and fuck off and don’t you dare ask any of our staff to do anything for you’ attitude really sucks, to use the Americanism.

Looking on the bright side though, if all shopping experiences are depressing and rubbish I’ll save a load of money. Still paid £290 for new glasses though – it were free when I were a lad – NHS and all that. It were all free you know. What happened to that?

Meanwhile Argos have staff with badges saying they’re ‘colleagues’. They make sure that you don’t have to talk to them at all though. Where are all the people they used to employ in shops to do stuff?