Just like you, I know I should be a veggie at least and probably a vegan.
Leaving that aside for a minute, I bought some bacon the other day. The packet proudly announced that it contained '85% bacon'. If I complained, no doubt some twat would explain that this is what the modern consumer wants. Some things really are beyond parody. Of course when you cook it it boils in it's own injected water.
Can I boil the manufacturers in their own injected water and if not, why not? Does this mean they're doing well if I pay with my pounds worth of change which is actually 85p?
I'll have 100% bacon please you 100% twats.
PS, OK I do realise that you probably have to add some preservative or something. I'll give you 2% max.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
My 'New' Music Purchases
No reason why you should be interested in this but I’m going to tell you anyway. I actually bought 3 CDs this week. I wish I was £50 a week man but I’m too poor (until the royalty cheque comes through obviously) and too tight. I also avoid ‘new’ music when I’m still filling in gaps in the 60’s and 70’s (not quite that but there is so much stuff I haven’t heard from then).
I bought:
The Band by the Band
Led Zeppelin III
The Very Best of Slade
Once in a while you hear a song that just knocks you over with its sheer brilliance and you just can’t stop playing it. Years ago ‘Down in the Tube Station at Midnight’ by the Jam and ‘Young Savage’ by Ultravox (no, not the Midge Ure version – check out the three albums when John Foxx was the singer) did it for me and ‘Break on Through’ by the Doors – and well, thousands more.
However, this week it’s ‘How Does it Feel?’ by Slade! Sounds like the best song Paul McCartney never wrote for Abbey Road – if he’d been a bit harder. It is that good. It’s in my top 100 songs of all time. I know Noel Gallagher has said something similar. Have to admit I have this on vinyl though I hadn’t heard it for a while. ‘The Very Best of Slade’ turns out to be a COLLOSSAL album!
‘My Oh My’ should have been played by Queen at Live Aid and ‘Far Far Away’ is awesome too - Then there’s ‘Get Down and Get With It’ – and all the other ones you must’ve heard. Worth £7 even if you only love ½ a dozen tracks – and doesn’t the strutting man from Led Zep have a very silly voice?
OK, OK, compilations are evil and I should just track down every album Slade ever made but I remain unapologetic. I'm not completely mad and this will do for me thank you.
I bought:
The Band by the Band
Led Zeppelin III
The Very Best of Slade
Once in a while you hear a song that just knocks you over with its sheer brilliance and you just can’t stop playing it. Years ago ‘Down in the Tube Station at Midnight’ by the Jam and ‘Young Savage’ by Ultravox (no, not the Midge Ure version – check out the three albums when John Foxx was the singer) did it for me and ‘Break on Through’ by the Doors – and well, thousands more.
However, this week it’s ‘How Does it Feel?’ by Slade! Sounds like the best song Paul McCartney never wrote for Abbey Road – if he’d been a bit harder. It is that good. It’s in my top 100 songs of all time. I know Noel Gallagher has said something similar. Have to admit I have this on vinyl though I hadn’t heard it for a while. ‘The Very Best of Slade’ turns out to be a COLLOSSAL album!
‘My Oh My’ should have been played by Queen at Live Aid and ‘Far Far Away’ is awesome too - Then there’s ‘Get Down and Get With It’ – and all the other ones you must’ve heard. Worth £7 even if you only love ½ a dozen tracks – and doesn’t the strutting man from Led Zep have a very silly voice?
OK, OK, compilations are evil and I should just track down every album Slade ever made but I remain unapologetic. I'm not completely mad and this will do for me thank you.
The Elasticity of the Rubber Horse
When I were a lad you could certainly get rubber animals – not actually rubber I guess but some sort of man-made rubber substitute (I wonder if they had any real rubber in them at all?) Anyway, they probably came from Hong Kong or were ‘Empire Made’. Now, there are a lot of points potentially up for discussion there but the point I’d like to make now is that they were stretchy – sort of.
Thing is that if you buy a rubber horse (or dinosaur or lizard – it’s quite a long list. I could do this but it’s a research job and it’ll cost, you understand?) these days it’s endlessly and alarmingly stretchy. You can stretch a 2 inch rubber horse to about 2 feet - I'm not joking!
Was this announced in the papers? (Not really the) cure for cancer drugs make the headlines. Well, at sometime in the eighties or nineties (or who knows when?) I missed the ‘Rubber Horse Flexibility Breakthrough’ headline. How come? Why didn’t you let me know? - We all have to cope you know. I'm disappointed in you once again. Ah well, time heals I guess.
Thing is that if you buy a rubber horse (or dinosaur or lizard – it’s quite a long list. I could do this but it’s a research job and it’ll cost, you understand?) these days it’s endlessly and alarmingly stretchy. You can stretch a 2 inch rubber horse to about 2 feet - I'm not joking!
Was this announced in the papers? (Not really the) cure for cancer drugs make the headlines. Well, at sometime in the eighties or nineties (or who knows when?) I missed the ‘Rubber Horse Flexibility Breakthrough’ headline. How come? Why didn’t you let me know? - We all have to cope you know. I'm disappointed in you once again. Ah well, time heals I guess.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
JP Album at Bargain Prices!
What I’d like you to do is buy the JP album. You can do this via the website or by post or from a shop - or whatever. However, I thought I’d tell you how to get a cheap one.
What happens is this. I / we (the AAZ Records marketing sales force) send out review copies to all the ‘proper’ music monthlies (you know, the ones with 8 page dad rock retrospectives – incidentally, I LOVE dad rock!) Then the scum sucker who isn’t going to review it puts it in a bag with a load of other CDs he’s not going to review and takes it down the second hand CD shop. He gets not very much for each one but he gets money for the JP CD (that he hasn’t reviewed) nonetheless.
This is the way the world works. It’s like wondering why Christian countries sell arms to third world dictators; thinking of how it should be just doesn’t get you anywhere. This is an area where for once I’m not that worked up. It’d be nice if they listened to the record (that’s reviewers by the way, I don’t suppose many third world, sorry, ‘developing world’ dictators are listening) or even decide to review it or keep it, but hey, the complete victory of Thatcherism means that in the real world you can get 50p for it down the second hand shop to spend on coke or at IKEA or whatever music journalists spend money on. Luckily, the chances of anyone making more than 50p from the JP album are quite slim (or as Loudon Wainwright III once said, the chances aren’t slim, the chances are fat…’)
Anyway….this all means you can get the JP album ‘second hand’ on Amazon starting at about £3. If you see a picture of one it says ‘promotional copy, not for resale’ which means ‘re-sell immediately’, obviously. You can also pay up to about £17 if you want. I know this because of ‘Google Alerts’ which also tells me that the album is for sale on e-bay too (apparently connected with the Wedding Present, which is another story).
So, here’s an offer for you. I’ll beat the cheapest price. Send me a cheque (made out to John Parkes) for £3 and I’ll send you the album. Oh, because it’s my album and my blog and I can do what the f*ck I want, you also have to send me proof of a donation of at least £5 to the Campaign Against the Arms Trade, Amnesty or a similar organisation that sticks in the craw of civilised (i.e. uncivilised) governments. Can’t say fairer than that as ‘they’ apparently say.
What happens is this. I / we (the AAZ Records marketing sales force) send out review copies to all the ‘proper’ music monthlies (you know, the ones with 8 page dad rock retrospectives – incidentally, I LOVE dad rock!) Then the scum sucker who isn’t going to review it puts it in a bag with a load of other CDs he’s not going to review and takes it down the second hand CD shop. He gets not very much for each one but he gets money for the JP CD (that he hasn’t reviewed) nonetheless.
This is the way the world works. It’s like wondering why Christian countries sell arms to third world dictators; thinking of how it should be just doesn’t get you anywhere. This is an area where for once I’m not that worked up. It’d be nice if they listened to the record (that’s reviewers by the way, I don’t suppose many third world, sorry, ‘developing world’ dictators are listening) or even decide to review it or keep it, but hey, the complete victory of Thatcherism means that in the real world you can get 50p for it down the second hand shop to spend on coke or at IKEA or whatever music journalists spend money on. Luckily, the chances of anyone making more than 50p from the JP album are quite slim (or as Loudon Wainwright III once said, the chances aren’t slim, the chances are fat…’)
Anyway….this all means you can get the JP album ‘second hand’ on Amazon starting at about £3. If you see a picture of one it says ‘promotional copy, not for resale’ which means ‘re-sell immediately’, obviously. You can also pay up to about £17 if you want. I know this because of ‘Google Alerts’ which also tells me that the album is for sale on e-bay too (apparently connected with the Wedding Present, which is another story).
So, here’s an offer for you. I’ll beat the cheapest price. Send me a cheque (made out to John Parkes) for £3 and I’ll send you the album. Oh, because it’s my album and my blog and I can do what the f*ck I want, you also have to send me proof of a donation of at least £5 to the Campaign Against the Arms Trade, Amnesty or a similar organisation that sticks in the craw of civilised (i.e. uncivilised) governments. Can’t say fairer than that as ‘they’ apparently say.
Friday, March 10, 2006
More Advice from the Changing / Locker Room
These non-music related entries are so much more satisfying don't you think? - Let me know.
Anyway, that locker room...
First up, an obvious one - what are you going to gain from standing on your towel when you’re still wet? This may seem obvious but you're just going to get your towel wet and dirty - is this your first time at the pool or are you nine years old? If it is, or if you are, apologies. If not, sort yourself out eh?I've previously advised against aggressive scrotal towelling as an aesthetically poor choice of drying technique. I'd also like to add from today's experience that 'legs apart, knees bent forward, thrusting motion' is surely not to be countenanced from a willy drying perspective (or during combined willy and scrotal drying which I believe was the object of the action). The force applied to willy washing should surely also be closely monitored. Now, men are programmed from an early age (at least most of us are) to avoid over aggressive willy washing, at least in public. In private anything goes of course. However, today a man was apparently lovingly stroking a new born kitten. In the shower. Except HE DIDN’T HAVE A KITTEN! (which, come to think of it could actually have been worse but we’ll leave that for now). That’s right, the sharper ones amongst you are already there – washing his bleedin’ willy like it was George Galloway in top acting mode.
So, I took the only course of action available to me - I slapped his hand away, went nose to nose and shouted at the top of my voice – ‘DON’T WASH IT LIKE THAT, IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT!’ Actually, I discovered a second choice of action was available: I sashayed over hissing ‘word in your shell like’ conspiratorially and carefully explained ‘aggressive towelling, no. Stroking new born kitten, no.’ ‘Find a middle way’ I suggested politely but firmly, with a playful smack on the bell end.
Some people eh?
Anyway, that locker room...
First up, an obvious one - what are you going to gain from standing on your towel when you’re still wet? This may seem obvious but you're just going to get your towel wet and dirty - is this your first time at the pool or are you nine years old? If it is, or if you are, apologies. If not, sort yourself out eh?I've previously advised against aggressive scrotal towelling as an aesthetically poor choice of drying technique. I'd also like to add from today's experience that 'legs apart, knees bent forward, thrusting motion' is surely not to be countenanced from a willy drying perspective (or during combined willy and scrotal drying which I believe was the object of the action). The force applied to willy washing should surely also be closely monitored. Now, men are programmed from an early age (at least most of us are) to avoid over aggressive willy washing, at least in public. In private anything goes of course. However, today a man was apparently lovingly stroking a new born kitten. In the shower. Except HE DIDN’T HAVE A KITTEN! (which, come to think of it could actually have been worse but we’ll leave that for now). That’s right, the sharper ones amongst you are already there – washing his bleedin’ willy like it was George Galloway in top acting mode.
So, I took the only course of action available to me - I slapped his hand away, went nose to nose and shouted at the top of my voice – ‘DON’T WASH IT LIKE THAT, IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT!’ Actually, I discovered a second choice of action was available: I sashayed over hissing ‘word in your shell like’ conspiratorially and carefully explained ‘aggressive towelling, no. Stroking new born kitten, no.’ ‘Find a middle way’ I suggested politely but firmly, with a playful smack on the bell end.
Some people eh?
Psychological Victory for Militant Pedestrians
Making my way to the WSM rehearsal 'suite' in Armley, I have to cross the road at the end of Wellington Street – you know the one where just as an experiment the Highway Code has been suspended. Here the red light means ‘next 5 cars at maximum speed through the pedestrian crossing please’. I believe this suspension has been introduced at thousands of locations across the country.
As I approached, I had nearly finished a stolen apple (well, it was offered the day before, I’d said ‘no’ then but I guessed the offer was probably still open and there were 5 on the desk…moral relativism is my bag y’know…)
Anyway, the lights turned red, the green man came out and bleeped his forlorn bleep and 2 cars sped through the crossing (only two I know, must’ve been a quiet day). I launched the apple core at the second car – GOTCHA! – middle of the passenger window. I half hoped the car would skid to a halt and the driver appear for a shouting match (‘possibly more’ as the small ads say). I stole the apple from someone at work. Unbeknownst to her, she is my unwitting accomplice.
Incidentally, when I Googled militant pedestrians I got 666 suggestions! If I have time, www.militantpedestrians.com will be mine! Apple cores, paint guns, insulting notes and loud voices at the ready people. Got to learn to fight back - and any car on the pavement will be torched by a hired (and well paid) blind (make that 'member of the partially sighted community') person with a buggy and an army surplus WWII flamethrower...'oh, my beautiful wanky car, it's just exploded!' - Learn to park moron!
As I approached, I had nearly finished a stolen apple (well, it was offered the day before, I’d said ‘no’ then but I guessed the offer was probably still open and there were 5 on the desk…moral relativism is my bag y’know…)
Anyway, the lights turned red, the green man came out and bleeped his forlorn bleep and 2 cars sped through the crossing (only two I know, must’ve been a quiet day). I launched the apple core at the second car – GOTCHA! – middle of the passenger window. I half hoped the car would skid to a halt and the driver appear for a shouting match (‘possibly more’ as the small ads say). I stole the apple from someone at work. Unbeknownst to her, she is my unwitting accomplice.
Incidentally, when I Googled militant pedestrians I got 666 suggestions! If I have time, www.militantpedestrians.com will be mine! Apple cores, paint guns, insulting notes and loud voices at the ready people. Got to learn to fight back - and any car on the pavement will be torched by a hired (and well paid) blind (make that 'member of the partially sighted community') person with a buggy and an army surplus WWII flamethrower...'oh, my beautiful wanky car, it's just exploded!' - Learn to park moron!
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Popcorn Double Feature
The cheapest popcorn at ‘myvue’ (ex Ster Century, the monopoly cinema people in Leeds) is £3.75 for a portion in a cardboard bucket big enough to get my head in. I want enough to stuff myself. Even at their prices this would cost about a quid. Now you would think that everyone in the world would have them down as rip-off shysters. You would think that all decent right thinking people would band together, hire a bus and tie their chief executive to a windmill in a gale and stuff him with popcorn until his liver could be made into foie gras, make a day of it. (I love the fact that wind farms won’t work when it gets windy by the way but that’s private enterprise for you). Be careful when you do this to make sure that the popcorn isn’t some sort of franchise though eh?
Anyway, I heard a counter argument from someone I know. She explained that when one goes on a night to the cinema one doesn’t want to skimp, one wants to enjoy oneself. After stuffing oneself, one wants to enjoy the luxury of leaving the rest in the cinema. Oddly enough, the person referred to runs out on money before payday.
Unfortunately, I think this is also why the human race always lays waste to its environment and moves on before killing itself off.
Anyway, I heard a counter argument from someone I know. She explained that when one goes on a night to the cinema one doesn’t want to skimp, one wants to enjoy oneself. After stuffing oneself, one wants to enjoy the luxury of leaving the rest in the cinema. Oddly enough, the person referred to runs out on money before payday.
Unfortunately, I think this is also why the human race always lays waste to its environment and moves on before killing itself off.
It Comes in a Van You Know
Here’s another neat waste of glossy advertising material. Put your Pizza Hut advert offering free delivery through my door (or 5 or 6 in a sheaf for preference). Tempt me with that special offer pizza with free big guzzly pop and garlic bread (that I’ve forgotten isn’t really garlic bread but a pizza with no topping) and give me the address and phone number of my ‘local branch’ a couple of miles up the road. Wait until my companion and I are really hungry. Then get the person on the other end of the phone at my ‘local branch’ to say that ‘you’re out of our area’. Light blue touch paper and prosecute me for arson (again). S’all right though, got off on a technicality.
Actually, I wrote a letter of complaint and they sent me a £5 voucher. Unfortunately, my local Pizza Hut is out of my area….
Incidentally, why is Pizza Hut full when it's twice the price of every other pizza shop and 5 times the cost of other fast food from the freezer?
Actually, I wrote a letter of complaint and they sent me a £5 voucher. Unfortunately, my local Pizza Hut is out of my area….
Incidentally, why is Pizza Hut full when it's twice the price of every other pizza shop and 5 times the cost of other fast food from the freezer?
Quality Advertised Goods - in Grimsby and Elsewhere
This could have been just the Grimsby Evening Telegraph. However the GET definitely used to book space in their ads section to say ‘Buy Advertised Goods’. Good old goods eh? Do you know, since that day I’ve never been able to resist goods – so long as they are advertised you understand.
…oh, and ‘Quality Carpets’ of course. Unfortunately around 50% of the time (according to a survey of whoever was in the office that afternoon at Heat magazine) they mean ‘shit quality’ carpets or ‘poor quality’ carpets. They may even mean 'average quality' or even 'good quality' but there is no such thing as a 'quality carpet', only a moron who can't speak English. If you buy one, they may use ‘logistics’ or ‘logistical solutions’. This is shite for ‘we’ve got a van and we will deliver your carpet in it’. If you're in and if they can find you.
For historical and security reasons, my house isn't on all of the A-Zs. Maybe my house is a deliberate mistake to foil the roaming mobs of swarthy and foreign looking map counterfeiters. However, this does illustrate a point. Have you ever tried giving directions to a delivery van driver (or taxi or pizza delivery firm) before they've got lost? And will they concede, when they have got lost, that actually you do know where your house is at least as well as they do - if not better?
As I constantly and consistently advise, best not to buy anything ever - unless advertised, of course.
…oh, and ‘Quality Carpets’ of course. Unfortunately around 50% of the time (according to a survey of whoever was in the office that afternoon at Heat magazine) they mean ‘shit quality’ carpets or ‘poor quality’ carpets. They may even mean 'average quality' or even 'good quality' but there is no such thing as a 'quality carpet', only a moron who can't speak English. If you buy one, they may use ‘logistics’ or ‘logistical solutions’. This is shite for ‘we’ve got a van and we will deliver your carpet in it’. If you're in and if they can find you.
For historical and security reasons, my house isn't on all of the A-Zs. Maybe my house is a deliberate mistake to foil the roaming mobs of swarthy and foreign looking map counterfeiters. However, this does illustrate a point. Have you ever tried giving directions to a delivery van driver (or taxi or pizza delivery firm) before they've got lost? And will they concede, when they have got lost, that actually you do know where your house is at least as well as they do - if not better?
As I constantly and consistently advise, best not to buy anything ever - unless advertised, of course.
You are my true friend Yorkshire Water - Thank you!
Got a free magazine from Yorkshire Water today – fantastic. What a great read, if only there was more of it. They’re a great company it seems and ‘Yorkshire tap water is tops’. They donate free water coolers to schools. Each school then ‘contributes £199 for installation and running costs’. That’s my favourite definition of ‘free’. By the way, please have a free album from me – then you can make an £8 contribution to the recording costs – simple. And generous, I feel. My passion for private industry is profound and deep.
Yorkshire Water won a ‘Utility of the Year’ Award in the ‘2005 Utility Industry Achievement Awards’. Only a cynic would suggest that this is an award awarded by a small group of firms to themselves. Well, what about this Yorkshire ‘can’t be arsed fixing the pipes when we can blame customers for using too much water’ Water. I’ve won the FR Records 'Songwriter of the Year' award for 8 years running and been in the top three in the AAZ Records 'Record Industry Awards' for the last 3.
I say hats off to the 'Vitreous Enamel Development Council'
Yorkshire Water won a ‘Utility of the Year’ Award in the ‘2005 Utility Industry Achievement Awards’. Only a cynic would suggest that this is an award awarded by a small group of firms to themselves. Well, what about this Yorkshire ‘can’t be arsed fixing the pipes when we can blame customers for using too much water’ Water. I’ve won the FR Records 'Songwriter of the Year' award for 8 years running and been in the top three in the AAZ Records 'Record Industry Awards' for the last 3.
I say hats off to the 'Vitreous Enamel Development Council'
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
New ‘Green Strategy’ Enforced
They’ve just been re-surfacing the road down my way – gets rid of the potholes so can’t complain about that. They’ve also made the paths wider. Sounds good too – but no, I’m pissed off (again!) They’ve done this by wiping out the grass verges. Another tiny piece of green is gone. The snails that used to like to cross from the hedges to the verge and back again will now just die and be crunched underfoot by the children of idiot parents who think that killing things is OK.
Just a few snails; save a bit of money on grass cutting; just a tiny thing – but that’s how it goes. The Council has a green ‘strategy’; where I work had a green ‘policy’; everyone has f*ckin’ good intentions and tells the kids to take the bottles to the bank in the 4x4. In the real world it’s OK to park on the verges, to churn them up with delivery lorries delivering hardwood kitchens and sweatshop DVD players for £30. It’s OK to dig ‘em up and replace them with tarmac, it makes sense to replace hedges with fences and the cars can park halfway on the pavement and it’s OK - and if I object I’m just a strange idiot person who’s badly adjusted (so if I walk down the middle of the road it’s OK – actually not for some reason) the snails and grass verges can f*ck off. ‘Green’ and ‘biodiversity’ is something for the nasty Brazilian loggers to worry about eh?
A few months back bunch of private tree destroyers with a bad attitude chopped down a row of mature poplars (that’s the proper ones, not the spindly ones – check a book if you need, I haven’t got one, I just know how brilliant they were) at the bottom of our road. Interfered with television reception or something - ‘people’ had complained. Well they didn’t ask me. The Council had power to get someone to chop the trees down but not to plant any new ones because it isn’t their land – because they don’t understand ‘green’ the big ignorant fatheads.
If I win the lottery I’m going to hire a bunch of meatheads with big lorries to block off both ends of the street. Then I’m going to get another bunch of meatheads to dig up the road and throw the bits of tarmac through the windows of those that wanted rid of the trees. Then I’m going to grass over the road and guard it with guns until the grass is a foot high. At each end of the road there’ll be 2 cars for sharing and the severed head of the boss of Firstbus will be displayed on a plate (with an inflatable facsimile at the other end – I have thought this through you know). In his mouth will be a piece of reused (hey, not recycled, reused – don’t get me started on that one) card. This will say ‘I’m sorry I robbed you by putting up fares by a thousand per cent in 2 years because now I’ve been tortured by meatheads (from a private contractor with a bad attitude) and I’m dead and I regret my actions’. Then I’ll start on the next road and the next and the next and I won't stop until they build the tram, enforce car sharing schemes, take pedestrians seriously and cure all the kids of asthma. All the local councillors and MPs will have something very green stuck up their arses by private meathead contractors with a bad attitude.
Just a few snails; save a bit of money on grass cutting; just a tiny thing – but that’s how it goes. The Council has a green ‘strategy’; where I work had a green ‘policy’; everyone has f*ckin’ good intentions and tells the kids to take the bottles to the bank in the 4x4. In the real world it’s OK to park on the verges, to churn them up with delivery lorries delivering hardwood kitchens and sweatshop DVD players for £30. It’s OK to dig ‘em up and replace them with tarmac, it makes sense to replace hedges with fences and the cars can park halfway on the pavement and it’s OK - and if I object I’m just a strange idiot person who’s badly adjusted (so if I walk down the middle of the road it’s OK – actually not for some reason) the snails and grass verges can f*ck off. ‘Green’ and ‘biodiversity’ is something for the nasty Brazilian loggers to worry about eh?
A few months back bunch of private tree destroyers with a bad attitude chopped down a row of mature poplars (that’s the proper ones, not the spindly ones – check a book if you need, I haven’t got one, I just know how brilliant they were) at the bottom of our road. Interfered with television reception or something - ‘people’ had complained. Well they didn’t ask me. The Council had power to get someone to chop the trees down but not to plant any new ones because it isn’t their land – because they don’t understand ‘green’ the big ignorant fatheads.
If I win the lottery I’m going to hire a bunch of meatheads with big lorries to block off both ends of the street. Then I’m going to get another bunch of meatheads to dig up the road and throw the bits of tarmac through the windows of those that wanted rid of the trees. Then I’m going to grass over the road and guard it with guns until the grass is a foot high. At each end of the road there’ll be 2 cars for sharing and the severed head of the boss of Firstbus will be displayed on a plate (with an inflatable facsimile at the other end – I have thought this through you know). In his mouth will be a piece of reused (hey, not recycled, reused – don’t get me started on that one) card. This will say ‘I’m sorry I robbed you by putting up fares by a thousand per cent in 2 years because now I’ve been tortured by meatheads (from a private contractor with a bad attitude) and I’m dead and I regret my actions’. Then I’ll start on the next road and the next and the next and I won't stop until they build the tram, enforce car sharing schemes, take pedestrians seriously and cure all the kids of asthma. All the local councillors and MPs will have something very green stuck up their arses by private meathead contractors with a bad attitude.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Sympathy for the Devil - Almost
I found the David Irving story depressing – he’s just been sentenced to three years for Holocaust denial in Austria. I read a book about him recently. He’s a ‘historian’, he’s been around for years. He’s sympathetic to Hitler and apparently anti-Semitic. Despite that he’s not unintelligent and faced with facts tends to backtrack and even change his mind – and then change it back again when addressing some bunch of right-wing loonies. He thoroughly researches - and then distorts the facts to serve an unpleasant right-wing agenda. I oppose everything he stands for. I should just hate him – and yet I see a man who appears trapped by his own prejudices and can’t resist the lure of fame even if it comes from being the darling of the brain-dead right - and at the price of denying his own intelligence.
So, he needs to be challenged by proper historians and by anyone who knows anything about history, by you and me and anyone who knows the status of truth among Nazis (i.e. it doesn’t matter to them). He should be despised and vilified. But is the right way to deal with someone who distorts the truth to send them to jail for something they said 20 years ago? Answers on a postcard...
On a slightly different note, when I was at college, Irving was invited to speak by the Union of Conservative Students (or whatever they were called). I think I joined the 'no platform for Fascists' people (I really loathe Nazis by the way) and he never got to speak (not because of me you understand but because of everyone). Interesting to note though that the lovely YCs raised funds by selling badges among other merchandise.
A good one was the ‘Hang Nelson Mandela’ badge. He was a ‘terrorist’ after all – careful not to glorify him or the British government will put you away for it. That same generation of Conservatives are the new smiley new Labour new liberal types in charge of the party – just thought I'd let you know! More depression.
So, he needs to be challenged by proper historians and by anyone who knows anything about history, by you and me and anyone who knows the status of truth among Nazis (i.e. it doesn’t matter to them). He should be despised and vilified. But is the right way to deal with someone who distorts the truth to send them to jail for something they said 20 years ago? Answers on a postcard...
On a slightly different note, when I was at college, Irving was invited to speak by the Union of Conservative Students (or whatever they were called). I think I joined the 'no platform for Fascists' people (I really loathe Nazis by the way) and he never got to speak (not because of me you understand but because of everyone). Interesting to note though that the lovely YCs raised funds by selling badges among other merchandise.
A good one was the ‘Hang Nelson Mandela’ badge. He was a ‘terrorist’ after all – careful not to glorify him or the British government will put you away for it. That same generation of Conservatives are the new smiley new Labour new liberal types in charge of the party – just thought I'd let you know! More depression.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
The Family Shoplifter
Have you ever witnessed a member of your family shoplifting? No, me neither, obviously.
New Fangled Soups
Not only does publically consumed soup (in common with coffee, but let’s not even go there) cost a fortune but it’s full of stuff I’ve never heard of – cheese? Well, of course I have heard of cheese – but in soup? Butternut Squash? Fennell? Pepper soup! Pepper soup? Rocket? In soup? On anything but a launch pad?
I say bring back traditional flavours such as Oxtail, Mulligatawny and Mock Turtle.
I say bring back traditional flavours such as Oxtail, Mulligatawny and Mock Turtle.
In the Locker-room – the Secret Life of a Man with Peripheral vision
The only exercise I ever get is about half an hour’s worth of swimming a week. Obviously I go in the men’s changing room (note Americanism in the title, sorry chaps – not folks note – but chappesses can’t be right). Anyway, I can’t work out the conventions of these places and why I’m mildly disturbed by the various ‘behaviours’ that go on there. Leaving aside aggressive scrotal towelling, tell me why this lot seem just wrong somehow....
A naked man standing at the urinal holding a swimming hat in his right hand and a pair of goggles in his left. Why do I feel he should have saved a hand to point or ‘guide’ as it were? Why does having a wee completely naked also seem wrong?
A fully clothed man at the same urinal. No offences of the hand to start with. However this man is overdressed for urination. Now if he was outside then maybe. But no, he’s inside - stood at the urinal in a big puffa jacket with big puffa sleeves nearly covering his big puffa hands. Should I insist he takes his coat off to wee? Mind you, he didn’t wash his hands so its smeggy doorknobs all the way home then?
A man standing weeing in the shower. It goes down the same hole so why don’t I like it? Has anyone written the Etiquette of Weeing? or is there a gap in the market? Can men go to Swiss finishing schools to learn how to walk with books on their head and how to get into a Mini without gusset glimpsing embarrassment? – and how to wee in a manful but respectable way? I suspect not, unfortunately we live in a fallen world. Do women still get to go?
This is an ‘incidentally’ but provides secret information for women and advice for some men: Obviously men really shouldn’t wear shorts, but if one does and one uses one of those big flat stainless steel urinals (as opposed to the individual pot sorts) one gets ones legs sprayed with (primarily) ones own urine. This means that when you don’t wear shorts you’re spraying your trousers! Yewch!
This is of course only a small glimpse into the world of weeing. If only I had more time....I'm wasted here.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
High Strangeness - The Wart of Elvis
Here are a couple (or 3 or 4) facts that I find strange.
- The JP album is now orderable from Amazon - OK, not that strange I guess but somehow it seems strange and exotic to me.
- 1% of the hits (or visits, they're different somehow, just shut up and listen for a minute) to the JP webiste are from Argentina. Perhaps that explains the Amazon connection? - See, I don't just make this stuff up you know.
- OK, this is the strange one - Jon McGill (Chris's brother in law, you must have heard of him) reckons he once visited the Queens Hall in Leeds (which no longer exists) to see 1. the Cadillac Hank Williams died in and 2. Elvis's wart. I mentioned this at work. They'd heard of Elvis's wart. How can I have remained in ignorance for so long? Is Elvis's wart still touring?
- Maybe this isn't that strange either but I have to link thoughts together somehow or they'd just run off into the road and get knocked over....I really can't help being a fan of the Moody Blues stuff from the 70s. Despite flutes, pomposity and some unforgivable lyrical dreadfulness they're are so, so good. Loads going on, great tunes and the best advert for the Mellotron and the Gainsborough (early synthy thingies, Strawberry Fields uses the Mellotron - and I may have spelt Gainsborough wrong) you're ever likely to hear - 'and he took to himself an orange and tasted it - and it was good' - see told you! They're playing in Manchester in the autumn - see you there?
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Know Your Enema
I was looking for a book as a present for someone today. One possibility was one called ‘The Intimate Enemy: Winning the War with Yourself’. OK, let’s not dwell on why and for whom and all that. The point is that I searched in Amazon (support your local bookshop and all that). They didn’t have the book but gave the closest matches.
First up was ‘Intimate Invasions – The Erotic Ins and Outs of Enema Play’. Do you reckon this would do?
First up was ‘Intimate Invasions – The Erotic Ins and Outs of Enema Play’. Do you reckon this would do?
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Shower Gel and American Teeth
JP says – Don’t buy shower gel! – it’s just soap with water added. Water is cheap (here in the UK that is for US listeners and that man from the Seychelles). Buy soap and add your own water.
It would appear that Americans have white teeth and the Brits don’t. The Americans think the Brits don’t clean their teeth. Fact is that American toothpaste just has more bleach in. This destroys teeth. Luckily, many Americans can afford to buy new teeth. My teeth have never been fantastic - except as a miracle of 'intelligent design' obviously. Might do a new Blog(or a book?) entitled 'Musings On Teeth'. It's my idea but you can have it if you like. Bye.
It would appear that Americans have white teeth and the Brits don’t. The Americans think the Brits don’t clean their teeth. Fact is that American toothpaste just has more bleach in. This destroys teeth. Luckily, many Americans can afford to buy new teeth. My teeth have never been fantastic - except as a miracle of 'intelligent design' obviously. Might do a new Blog(or a book?) entitled 'Musings On Teeth'. It's my idea but you can have it if you like. Bye.
Muppets and Chemist Girl - In an Office!
I’d like to pretend that I make loads of money from music. Well, obviously I do, but like a lottery winner who can’t give up work I keep my feet on the ground by working in almost a ‘proper’ job once in a while….OK, that was the background.
So, I was on my way to an otherwise uneventful day at work today (see, you know all about it now, thanks to rigorous explanating) and I had to walk over a broken Muppet mug in the middle of the footpath. So who strolls along a city centre street drinking coffee from a Muppet mug and not one of those sinister cardboard baby cup things Starbucks et al sell? No sign of any spillage mind, just the mug - most of it anyway, sufficient to retrieve, glue and prove a point - the point being that this was (or until quite recently had been) a Muppet mug. But I bet you can’t buy a Muppet mug just anywhere these days can you? And why not kick it into the gutter or something after you’ve dropped it. It was an apport I reckon. You know, falls of fish, vaginal cheescloth, Victorian Houdini trumpets, lifting the veil (hence the V word possibly). All that stuff.
On arriving at work there’s a pink heart shaped post-it note on the entryphone. It says to ring Sara (she’s so much posher than Sarah you know – or should that be ‘more posh?) and adds a list of items to buy from a chemist, ‘drug store’ or other purveyor of face cleaner, razors etc. I though of an acronym or whatever the word is for 'the thing to help remember a list' – SWALK or something. I forgot it. It was a good one, rest assured.
Obviously I called Sara and there was the expected casual relationship and bottom photocopying in the office (careful, that glass isn’t made for that you know). Clearly the post-it was meant for me. Unfortunately, being based on the purchase of miscellaneous personal care items our relationship was doomed to fail when I forgot to resupply the shower gel and didn’t stock rotate the boxes of tooth whitening paste. Que Sara Sara.
This is the first Blog where not every tiny bit is necessarily completely true by the way.
So, I was on my way to an otherwise uneventful day at work today (see, you know all about it now, thanks to rigorous explanating) and I had to walk over a broken Muppet mug in the middle of the footpath. So who strolls along a city centre street drinking coffee from a Muppet mug and not one of those sinister cardboard baby cup things Starbucks et al sell? No sign of any spillage mind, just the mug - most of it anyway, sufficient to retrieve, glue and prove a point - the point being that this was (or until quite recently had been) a Muppet mug. But I bet you can’t buy a Muppet mug just anywhere these days can you? And why not kick it into the gutter or something after you’ve dropped it. It was an apport I reckon. You know, falls of fish, vaginal cheescloth, Victorian Houdini trumpets, lifting the veil (hence the V word possibly). All that stuff.
On arriving at work there’s a pink heart shaped post-it note on the entryphone. It says to ring Sara (she’s so much posher than Sarah you know – or should that be ‘more posh?) and adds a list of items to buy from a chemist, ‘drug store’ or other purveyor of face cleaner, razors etc. I though of an acronym or whatever the word is for 'the thing to help remember a list' – SWALK or something. I forgot it. It was a good one, rest assured.
Obviously I called Sara and there was the expected casual relationship and bottom photocopying in the office (careful, that glass isn’t made for that you know). Clearly the post-it was meant for me. Unfortunately, being based on the purchase of miscellaneous personal care items our relationship was doomed to fail when I forgot to resupply the shower gel and didn’t stock rotate the boxes of tooth whitening paste. Que Sara Sara.
This is the first Blog where not every tiny bit is necessarily completely true by the way.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Dr Marten I presume? - Not forgetting Time Travel
Today I did something I rarely do – went into a shop. Not only that, I did something far rarer – I went to buys shoes! Obviously I have a cupboard full of pink kitten heels, sling backs, sturdy matronly brogues and so on but today I went for DMs. As it happens, shoe fetishists everywhere, in real life I have my newish DMs that I wear everyday, my split DMs that I don’t really wear any more but haven’t thrown out yet and the old DMs in the garage (do I have a garage? – ooh yes!) I also own a pair of slippers (where I keep my pipe) and some ‘classic’ Adidas trainers covered in paint (where I keep my paint, obviously - do try to keep up Portia, the squirrels went hours ago). Someone somewhere would pay a fortune for them (classic trainers, not inconvenient squirrels), but then there were no takers on my Wedding Present memorabilia…so perhaps not.
I paid extra for the time travel. I’m miffed that DMs are not made in Northampton anymore but they still sell them in Bradford. Years ago Bradford was were you went to buy DMs – from working men’s boot shops rather than shoe shops before they realised they were fashionable and doubled the price.
Anyway, Mister Boot is a shop on the Leeds Road Bradford. There’s hardly room to get in, there’s a single wooden chair (which takes up most of the standing room) and a calor gas fire (sorry, I guess that’s Calor Gas “TM” or something with a royalty cheque in the post – One Queen Mum, dead but visited East End in Blitz, 10 guineas, no pence). A man in a blue sweatshirt and thick glasses works there. There’s a back room full of clocks. Obviously some kind of portal to the 70’s, stuff hanging from the ceilings, ladders, stuff to stand on, you know.
The idea here is that these DMs were going to be so damned cheap that I’d be laughing all the way to the betting shop to put 50 pee on the day the soles should split on two pairs. Thereby no need to shop for 2 years (did Matalan a few months ago for £3 trousers, underpants, socks – going up! Ba, ba ba ba ba etc.)
Unfortunately they were £55 which is a biggie for a budget shopper – and more expensive that t’internet. So, what do I do? Say “that’s far too much old fashioned man in old fashioned shop that smells of old fashioned hardware shop (with some stress on leather goods and shoes in particular, if not shoes and boots exclusively)”, “I will not pay that much”, “why they’re not even made in Northampton and you are not, repeat not in a fashionable town, nor even the more fashionable part of a non-fashionable town, I’m leaving, good day rapscallion won’t-be-here-for-long retailer man”?
So anyway, I bought these DMs. Bit steep.
I paid extra for the time travel. I’m miffed that DMs are not made in Northampton anymore but they still sell them in Bradford. Years ago Bradford was were you went to buy DMs – from working men’s boot shops rather than shoe shops before they realised they were fashionable and doubled the price.
Anyway, Mister Boot is a shop on the Leeds Road Bradford. There’s hardly room to get in, there’s a single wooden chair (which takes up most of the standing room) and a calor gas fire (sorry, I guess that’s Calor Gas “TM” or something with a royalty cheque in the post – One Queen Mum, dead but visited East End in Blitz, 10 guineas, no pence). A man in a blue sweatshirt and thick glasses works there. There’s a back room full of clocks. Obviously some kind of portal to the 70’s, stuff hanging from the ceilings, ladders, stuff to stand on, you know.
The idea here is that these DMs were going to be so damned cheap that I’d be laughing all the way to the betting shop to put 50 pee on the day the soles should split on two pairs. Thereby no need to shop for 2 years (did Matalan a few months ago for £3 trousers, underpants, socks – going up! Ba, ba ba ba ba etc.)
Unfortunately they were £55 which is a biggie for a budget shopper – and more expensive that t’internet. So, what do I do? Say “that’s far too much old fashioned man in old fashioned shop that smells of old fashioned hardware shop (with some stress on leather goods and shoes in particular, if not shoes and boots exclusively)”, “I will not pay that much”, “why they’re not even made in Northampton and you are not, repeat not in a fashionable town, nor even the more fashionable part of a non-fashionable town, I’m leaving, good day rapscallion won’t-be-here-for-long retailer man”?
So anyway, I bought these DMs. Bit steep.
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