Senior Integrated Communications...

Job adverts continue to be entertaining...I fondly imagine that the people who write some job specs are fully aware of what they’re doing and that they sling huge quantities of bullshit and nonsense management speak in just to see if they can get away with it, to see if anyone notices or dares an Emperor’s New Clothes moment. The idea that people actually take this stuff seriously is surely too frightening to contemplate...

Anyway, here are some recent examples from a job vacancy for a “Senior Integrated Communications Officer”. That doesn’t sound so bad surely? I’ll attempt some sort of possible translation as we go along...

Their role will be “to generate, analyse and disseminate stakeholder intelligence across the communications directorate and to other colleagues within the department” - Disseminate stakeholder intelligence eh? Perhaps that means ‘telling people stuff’?

They’ve helpfully included a list of “Key Accountabilities for the role”. That’ll mean being accountable for the keys then I expect...Or perhaps not.

Anyway, here are a few other things this bod will be doing if they get the job...

They’ll be using various means “to gather intelligence about the mood, activities, opinions of key stakeholder e.g. staff representative groups and professional bodies, the national media” – ‘Listening to what people are saying’? – Or maybe they’re spying on colleagues?

“Creating user-friendly mechanisms to share this insight with colleagues” – ‘Passing information on to people’? Funny how it's become 'insight' all of a sudden though eh?

“Building on existing stakeholder intelligence systems such as the Communications Temperature Checker to meet future needs within the communications directorate and wider Department” - Blimey! Maybe ‘tell people this stuff in the same way as we do now’? I wonder if they'd show me their 'Communications Temperature Checker’ if I show them mine?

“Championing the use of intelligence in communications planning and strategy” – Presumably this must be ‘Arguing that the stuff you’re collecting is worth collecting (or you’ll be out of a job)’?

“Supporting senior members of the team to deliver communications about pensions reform to staff. This will be vital as elements of the reform ratchet up over next 6 months and will also entail feeding into the Departments industry relations policy group” – Well this one is a corker eh?! Presumably that translates as ‘you’ll be helping management screw your colleagues by taking their money’ then?

Among the experience and skills required are “A sound understanding of the full range of communication disciplines including PR, marketing, internal and external communications, stakeholder management and e-communications” – That’s another easy one – ‘you must be absolutely full of shit’.

I didn’t apply for this one...