News suspended

I turned on Radio 4 this morning - 4 times I think. I expected the Today Programme. Each time they were talking about wedding cars and dresses and all sorts of shite. I sent them this brief message....

Dear 'Today'

I kept trying to tune in to the Today Programme this morning and all I got was a lot of tabloid type twaddle about some kind of celebrity wedding. I assume the Today Programme was suspended due to there being no news?

I wish you wouldn't kow-tow to tabloid prejudices

Yours sincerely

John Parkes

Not a good day in the UK...

It’s not a good sign in any country when there’s a news blackout and the state media start broadcasting patriotic music 24/7. So today is not a good day in the UK.

By the way, we all know that the royal wedding stories have already been written - but I'll give a tenner of my own money to anyone who forwards me a piece from any newspaper that reports 'royal wedding flop - royal tat fails to sell' or anything similar.

Today I feel like a prisoner washed up on an island ruled by some strange cult. Most of the country seems moronic, irrational and decades if not hundreds of years behind reality. I just don't get it

Shitpipe!

News from my job search - there was a job vacancy for a 'Pipeline Administrator'. Where was the pipeline? I wondered - oil or gas? - or water? Would the job be tracking leaks or charging for its use or what? To be honest I can't even be bothered checking what the job actually was - well, it was actually 12 grand a year. And there was no pipeline. Except some sort of metaphorical one I suppose. Shit job, shit language, shit pay. Shit!

Surely not the 'royal wedding'?!

Damn! Here I am talking about the 'royal wedding'. Really the best thing to do in my opinion is to ignore it rather than apposing it like it was something worth engaging with in the first place. However, I did want to mention that Wilkinson's in Armley were flogging off their royal wedding tat at half price - some time before the wedding! This (strongly) implies that people are less interested than at least one chain of shops thought they would be. A small cheer for that.

However the most depressing thing about the whole thing is the conspiracy in the media. All the papers etc will be reporting that the 'whole country' celebrated and the 'whole country' ground to a halt and whatnot - and it will be a lie. The 'story' will be written in advance and it'll be all shit. A bare-faced big lie - told to us by the BBC and others who should know better. I've lost count of the amount of times I've turned off the telly and radio this week because 'The Today Programme' for one are discussing royal wedding dress design over the centuries or whatever. In the case of the BBC they are of course shit scared of being accused of being leftie and unpatriotic and whatnot (as if patriotism somehow implied support of the royal family...)so they'll follow the tabloids and report on what a great success it all was and how we all bought into it. If there are protests for once they won't be reported for fear of spoiling the special day.

The main depressing thing about it all is that so many people are interested - what do these people actually believe? Hopefully they believe in celebrity rather than royalty but you never know.

Even the free 'day off' is costing loads of struggling organisations a load of money. Enough...

You're just cynical, you!

In case anyone out there thinks that any numbers relating to bands on t’tinternet are real, here’s part of the price list from ‘mymusicsite.com’

And you thought I was cynical...

Bronze Package:
facebook – 1,000+ likes
twitter – 1,000+ followers
youtube – 2,500+ views to a video, 10+ ratings
myspace promos for 2 weeks

TOTAL – $250 flat

Silver Package:
facebook – 2,000+ likes
twitter – 5,000+ followers
youtube – 10,000+ views to a video, 100 subscribers, 100+ ratings
myspace promos for 2 weeks

TOTAL – $700 flat

Gold Package:
facebook - 5000+ likes
twitter – 10,000+ followers
youtube – 20,000+ views to a video, 300 subscribers, 300+ ratings
myspace promos for 2 weeks

TOTAL – $1250 flat

Platinum Package:
facebook – 10,000+ likes
twitter – 20,000+ followers
youtube – 100,000+ views to a video, 1,000 subscribers, 500+ ratings
myspace promos for 4 weeks

TOTAL – $2400 flat

We can also do 500+ real plays on reverbnation for $75.

We can also do 1000+ real plays on reverbnation for $125.

News from my job search

‘jobsgopublic’ think that Knowsley is in West Yorkshire.

I guess they think that anything ‘oop North’ must be Yorkshire. They've probably seen it in an old Hovis advert or something.

Firstbus Info Triumph number 2!

I'm gratified to find that Firstbus have a new instructional poster on display on some of their buses - this one tells you how to get off a bus! More useful than the one that tells you (when you're on the bus) how to er, get on a bus but still a bit daft.

It tells you to ring the bell when you want to get off the bus - that bit's fine! I agree with that bit. For idiots with no observational skills determined not to copy anyone else that's fine. Helpful even. Then they tell you to stay in your seat until the bus has stopped! Ha Ha! Yeah right firstbus!

I wonder if any of them have ever been on a bus?

They are my favourite company, like ever! - toadally!

The Social Network

It's a bit late for this one but all this talk of how rubbish Facebook is reminded me that we had a band outing while waiting to go on stage in Aberdeen and went to see 'The Social Network'.

I don't know if anyone spotted this and why I get nostalgic for the days of feminism but if you believe the film all the women at Harvard (or wherever the fuck it was) seemed to do all day was to a) drape themselves nearly naked over the cool guys b) get nearly naked and dance on tables for the cool guys and c) wait for the guys to talk to them. Oh and they substituted for table lamps.

And of course the cool guys are all utter tossers. A very depressing film all round really.

Bloody Myspace!

Beware - SWEARY RANT APPROACHING!

How come when I go into myspace for Whole Sky Monitor there are millions of messages saying 'you and spamming wanker are now friends' Who fucking says? - don't you have to be asked? I suppose I could set stuff up to filter messages but there’s so much noise who cares any more. There are pictures of teddy bears by the hundred saying ‘I love everything that you do’ and bands inviting you to gigs in Ontario and oh, it’s just too boring to bother with. There aren't even Russian gangsta bride cons any more - And every page takes ages to load.

Bloody on line shite - I'm off to flog a cassette off the back of a van.

And I'm getting really impatient with people I actually do know popping up like wankers on facebook saying fuck all about fuck all to fuck knows who. I don't even know who they think they're talking to but they appear to be talking to me in some sort of endless list of garbage that comes up and jumps about as you scroll down.

I blocked some of those fuckers on our myspace and removed them as friends. I blame the Arctic Monkeys.

I used to use it to actually send messages about stuff - but now you've got no chance. I'm sick of being chained to a computer (he says rather ironically)

Making your job search easier!

I’m currently looking for a job. The world is full of really shite ones at 12 grand a year – and people advertising jobs who won’t tell you who they are or how much they pay! Well, I’m not going to tell them who I am either. So there.

I was looking at one job earlier today but couldn’t find out what they needed without actually applying - which seemed to involve uploading a CV (which I don't have). My suspicion is that they sell on lists of hopeless jobseekers to other sharky on-line HR people who like to have inflated numbers so they can sell them loans and whtever...

I just want to know what the job is, where it is, how much it pays and what they need – if I’m interested I’ll fill in the application form – is that too much to ask? Apparently so.

People advertising jobs don’t seem to have any concept of the meaning of words like ‘senior’ or ‘manager’ or ‘assistant’ or ‘executive’ either.

Hell in a handcart etc - and they were all made of wood...

NHS furniture

An NHS facility near where I work has been chucking perfectly good furniture into a skip. A lot of the furniture we currently use at work was from there too. I hear that they have to spend their budget before the end of the new financial year. Good to know some organisations have got money to piss away eh?

Armley baths

Just thought I'd mention that Armley baths doesn't have changing rooms - it has a 'changing village'. I wonder if the village is big enough to have a swimming pool?

Do you know how to catch a bus?

On the inside of buses in Leeds you may well see a sign that says “Hands up if you know how to catch a bus – Just hold out your hand to let the driver know you want the bus to stop”. Please note that this is on the inside of the bus - upstairs in fact. So if you don't know how to catch a bus how did you manage to er, catch the bus you're currently on? And do you have zero observational skills? Have you not noticed what people do at bus stops the world over? Or are you a moron thirsty for validation of your recent bus catching behaviour?

What it doesn't say of course is that unless you hold out your hand the bus driver will have no clue as to what on earth that line of 25 people are doing waiting at that pole on the pavement with 'bus stop' written on it - and he'll cruise past.

Can I have a human sized one please?

I saw some video cameras in Comet or somewhere. It struck me that they were all about 2 inches in size – clearly designed for small children or midgets. Meanwhile mobile phone type devices have keyboards too small for fingers so they give you a cocktail stick to poke them with. I have a screen on my home computer about 15 inches wide. It’s just about big enough. Why would I want to look at the internet on a half inch screen? Why don’t they design people sized stuff?

Still, another few quid saved eh?

It's mainly fat and sugar you know...

Cadburys are the “official treat provider of London 2012”. I promise you I am not making this up. And the advertising industry is the official wanker provider for the UK...

All the really shit food that's really bad for you will be the official gut bucket filler of the Olympic movement.

Unfixability

Appliances and gadgets and hardware are out of control this week – and it seems nobody can do anything about it.

Pay for someone to come and fit a new oven and hob? Nah, can’t do it, the electricity supply is all wrong, you’re gunna need an electrician mate (we just fit ‘em)...Oh and we don’t have a piece of paper that says there’s enough clearance for the hob so we can’t fit that either - what do you think we are, cooker fitters? Get the electrician in, sort out the leccy and we’ll come back – but we still can’t fit the new hob (with the piece of paper that says there’s enough room) – yer gas pipes are all wrong mate...

The toilet flush went and the plumber didn’t know how to fix it; Yorkshire Water sent another of those ‘we don’t own dem water pipes any more and dey dem sure gunna burst’ letters flogging insurance; and finally a card came through the door saying someone had turned up to service the Dyson – I mean what kind of person gets someone in to service the tossing vacuum cleaner once a year? Not me before you ask. Most of us don’t even get to service the wife once a year (boom boom – the 70’s dontcha love ‘em!)

So our experiment with buying new stuff and getting things sorted falls flat on its consumery fool face – no one can actually do anything you want doing - while the rest of the world is trying to do things that don’t need doing via dodgy insurance schemes.

We’re keeping the bleedin’ hob – too much effort to buy new...

The car clock still insists that it knows better than us and the other toilet flush doesn't work after the plumber had fixed it...and we got a puncture - and you don't even get a proper spare tyre these days so it'll need changing again. Let's hope the tyre man knows how to change a tyre eh? - Unless the regulations have changed and he's not allowed...oh, and have you got the special nut for the clever car?

Swimming lengths

I can't believe it. I owe Leeds City council an apology. Not nearly as big as the one they owe me - but that's another story. But so far as swimming pool size goes I was wrong. The pool at Armley Leisure Centre is as big as the other one I go to - took me the same number of strokes to get to the end...Must be an optical illusion (to do with Armley being a really high roof maybe?) I was wrong anyway...

Not only that but the bloke at the pool today didn't give the VAT line to explain the inflation busting price increase. Instead he gave me that vaguely sympathetic 'yeah, it is a bit rubbish' kind of look that you would expect.

It was busy today - that's because they won't let you in without kids in tow until 12 so everyone has to go at once. That's another complaint and another story.

Consumer affairs 4 – The Race to Easter

I’ve noted before that shops allow you to buy stuff in the run up to a festival so long as you stop a few days before so you don't interfer with them setting up for the next consumerfest – so ask for an Easter egg on Good Friday and they’ll look at you like you’re some sort of tardy retard who must have just got out of prison or something. However, Christmas seemed to be an exception this year with loads of people being allowed to buy Christmas stuff even on Christmas Eve. Terrible. However, normal service ran in some sort of parallel with this.

Wilkinson’s for example started Easter before Christmas – though it’s taken the other supermarkets several days into the New Year to start palleting in the eggs and all the rest. I wonder how close to Easter they’ll let it run?

And hang on...they’re a bit late with Valentine’s Day aren’t they? We’re nearly a third of the way through January. I've probably just not noticed it.

Consumer Affairs 3 – Play.com

I ordered an album from play.com last March (Broadcast and the Focus Group since you ask). I waited and waited but no CD. By the summer I contacted them asking where it was – I think I got ‘standard bollocks email number 54’ where they say they’re having trouble getting copies from the supplier. A few months later I sent them a rather cross email asking what was going on and pointing out that the CD was still being advertised on their website. No reply. Finally, 9 months in I contacted them again explaining what had happened and asking them to note that I’d ordered 72 items from them over the last couple of years. I also asked them to note that I’d completely stopped ordering from them since their failure to send me the CD. I also provided them with a link to the album on their own website in case they couldn’t find it.

This time I got a reply saying “Unfortunately this item was only available in limited quantities and all stock has now been sold. As it is unlikely that we will be able to offer the item again in the near future we have cancelled the order. rest assure you were not yet charge for this order. Please be advised that the item you are seeing now on the website is not from play.com anymroe. Instead, thisi tem is being sold by a Playtrade seller or third party seller. You may order the item if you still want it”.

Leaving aside the grammar and spelling, what they’re saying is ‘yeah, it’s for sale on our website but it’s nuffing to do with us chief’. So there you go. It looks like a duck, it quacks like a duck, it appears on the ‘Ducks R us’ website and you pay We Supply Ducks Ltd to supply you a duck – but actually it's not a duck and they don't know what you're so upset about. It must be from another firm and somehow got on the Buy a Duck from Us website by accident.

So if you want a CD from Play.com they probably have fuck all to do with it, it’s just there for sale on their website but nowt to do with them.

In case everything else on their website isn’t really from them and they can't supply it I’ve decided to try to find someone who does have some responsibility for what’s in their shop.

Consumer Affairs 2 – WH Smug comedy prices

More on prices – You have no idea how annoying I find this (or maybe you do...) – I really hate WH Smiths for this (though never as much as I hate Firstbus and printer ink dealers obviously - oh, and anti-virus software pedlars).

Anyway, a chunky Kitkat in WH Smiths in town yesterday was 82p! Yup – 82 tossing pee – that’s nearly a quid! For a Kit-kat! - some for a Twix by the way. Tesco’s price today was 48p. So a bar of yer standard sort of chocky bar is about 50p in sensible places (hey, I’m calling Tescos sensible!) and over 80p in WH Smug. Why is there no boycott? Why is no-one distributing leaflets in the shop? Why is no-one squeezing poo under the roller shutters? Anyway, I’m not buying owt from them. 82p for a Kit-kat – they’re ‘avin’ a laarf

By the way, when you get to the counter they’ll probably offer you cut price chocolate. I guess the staff are all too aware of the irony. Maybe a KitKat Chunky inserted up them by irate customers would learn ‘em?