Hey folks...I just tried this - the Doritos 'Score and Win' game aka the Doritos Penalty Shootout.
Here's how it works...Now don't forget the code on the packet - the one that's not printed correctly? OK, can't use that packet, let's try the other one...
Here we go...this'll be fun. Enter your code number in the box. Wonder why nothing has happened. Try it again. And again. Squint at packet to check you have this right. Think of giving up. Take ages to read the 'what's this' advice associated with the code number box. So...take the middle number in the 'best before panel. Take the letter off the end of that number. Go to the next line and take just the first four digits of the number there - don't forget to ignore the colon...Add these 4 digits to the end of the first number (see above). That's your code. Unless your packet is one of those printed in another format in which case scroll through by clicking the arrow to tell you how to decipher your alternative code. Now, add your email address twice, tick the 'terms and conditions' box and sign up for exciting news about Doritos.
Now, to prove you're a person, try to read the unfathomable jumble in the box that might be letters. Enter something random into the box hoping to get another set of letters that might re readable this time. Try this around a dozen times until a jumble comes up that you can half read - if you're lucky you might be right. You can then play 'the game' by dragging a football across your computer screen. 1 in 5 chance of winning a free pack, 1 in 7 chance of winning a tenner and 1 in 12 chance of winning £100. That'll be 1 in 420 chance of winning £100 then I think, not 1 in 12.
Then, travel to Doritos head office. Ask to be directed to their marketing department. Ask for the person responsible for the 'score and win' promotion. Bend them over their desk and insert packet of Doritos up their backside. Then ask for their email address so you can hassle them again in future. Tell them their 'game' is rubbish and that England have not been involved in any penalty shootouts in this world cup. Tell them that any world cup themed adverts are counter-productive.
Go and buy some Tescos 'everyday value' tortilla chips. Note the differences in quantity and price compared to Doritos.
Moral of this story 1: Don't ignore the colon. Moral of this story 2: Adding 4 digits should do it...
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Friday, June 06, 2014
The Longest Day
It's the 70th anniversary of D-Day. I wrote a song about D-Day a while back. It's not been released. But It's now up on Bandcamp for you to download for free - http://johnparkes.bandcamp.com/
Here's a long explanation about the song which possibly takes itself a bit seriously...
But please download the song, have a think maybe and pass it on or whatever...You can pay something if you like but there's no need...
Here's a long explanation about the song which possibly takes itself a bit seriously...
But please download the song, have a think maybe and pass it on or whatever...You can pay something if you like but there's no need...
This is my song about D-Day, June 6th 1944. I recorded it a few years back. It wasn’t intended as a song to mark an anniversary or anything and it doesn’t really fit with my other songs, and partly for that reason it hasn’t been released. I have mixed feelings about the military and patriotism and heroism and war and commemoration.
Very few people examine lyrics for meaning (not my lyrics anyway!) but I’d like to mention a few things about it anyway.
As many will know the title comes from the film ‘The Longest Day’ – all star cast and all that telling the story of D-Day. From what I’ve read subsequently it’s fairly accurate though clearly selective in what it portrays. So, that’s the title.
There are a couple of Churchill quotes in there – you might notice the ‘sunlit uplands’ and the ‘new dark age’. I know a lot of people who broadly hold a lot of the same views I do aren’t big Churchill fans – they point to the General Strike and his views on Ghandi and India and, well, lots of other stuff. I may agree, but he was very human and funny and emotional too – and most importantly he had Hitler and the Nazis ‘taped’ to use an old fashioned term. And some of his speeches still bring me out in goose bumps when I hear them. So I’m happy to quote him.
When I first came up with this song it was more specifically intended to be written as if it were the ‘voice’ of a contemporary person or participant. I dropped the idea really, probably because it would have been too difficult - but that’s why the phrases ‘this Nazi crew’ and the ‘patriotic types’ are in there – they’re old fashioned and meant to be. On the other hand the ‘piss and fear’ and calling out for mothers is more a modern view I think. A reminder that war is not glorious anyway. I hate that phrase ‘the glorious dead’ as there’s nothing at all glorious about being killed in war in my view.
The ‘eyes of blue’ are future generations of course – me for one. I was told that my dad was wounded in the D-Day landings but I later found out that wasn’t true (he was actually wounded in the raid on Dieppe in 1942). I don’t actually know if he was there, but I do know he was involved in several amphibious landings and when asked what he did in the war he said he was a radio operator on landing craft. He died in around 1976 when I wasn’t very old so I never got the chance to ask.
When I added the ‘eyes of brown’ I was thinking of Jewish people. This is a bit of an anomaly really, as at the time I don’t think many of the invasion forces were aware of the Holocaust. There’s a bit of a myth grown up that WW2 was a straightforward fight by the good guys against the perpetrators of the Holocaust which isn’t true – or at least is much more complicated. If you want an indictment of Winston Churchill by the way, I read his 6 volume History of the Second World War and I think I’m right in saying it’s not mentioned once. He mentions Jews in a faintly patronising way (as he does Greeks and Indians I think) just once or twice. I didn’t spot any outright racism though (even from a modern point of view) – but no mention of the Holocaust.
Anyway, going off on a tangent here – and I need to remind myself that it is just a song and doesn’t support that much analysis.
Moving on...I’m still not 100% sure about the ‘when England’s right’ line and ‘salute your name’ but in this case I reckon that patriotism is defensible at least – so it stayed. ‘The Allies’ wouldn’t have worked as an alternative lyric by the way but it’s worth remembering the men from New Jersey or Idaho or wherever - and from right across the world that died liberating countries thousands of miles from home.
One final thing to say about this song. The last verse doesn’t really work very well I’m afraid. This was my attempt to finish the song by bringing things up to date – a reminder that there are still Nazis about. The BNP must have been ‘on the rise’ when I wrote this. I was sort of echoing (maybe consciously I’m not sure) Woody Allen. There’s a scene in one of his films where one of his Liberal friends is talking about how the Nazis were given what for in an article in the New York Times - Woody suggests that going down to meet the Nazis with a baseball bat would be more effective. I applaud the sentiment at least.
This reminds me that I was threatened with arrest in Leeds a few years ago against the background of a Nazi demonstration. Nick Griffin had been arrested for something or other and was on trial at Leeds Crown Court. I didn’t know this and stumbled upon it when I came out of my work for a sandwich. One of the apparently rival right wing groups that were there had their own flag. This is worth mentioning – the flags were bright red with a white circle in the middle. In the circle was a black cross like affair. Didn’t half remind me of something. And I think they still objected to being called Nazis.
Anyway, one of them had a megaphone and was going on about how millions had died defending free speech (I think Mr G was up on a charge of inciting racial hatred or something). I overheard this and got a bit cross. I shouted ‘from the Nazis’ to point out the obvious fact that the war was well, generally in favour of free speech and that millions had indeed died defending free speech – from the Nazis. Before I knew it a big and angry looking policeman came barrelling towards me with three of his mates just behind nearly knocking me over and telling me I’d better shut up or he’d arrest me. These days I like to think I’d tell him to calm down and point out that if it were OK for Nazis to shout down a megaphone it was OK for me to shout without one. It must have made a bit of a ridiculous sight as I remember I had a sandwich in a bag in one hand and a vanilla slice in a bag in the other. I sort of shrugged and walked off I think.
Anyway, the point is that once in a while you get Nazis on the street who need to be confronted on the street. When I first came to Leeds I was attacked by Nazis in my first few days for wearing an anti racism badge. That wouldn’t happen these days and I genuinely think that racism of that kind is receding into history, and since I wrote the song the prospect of Nazis on the street seems more remote. But it didn’t at the time is the point. And best not to be complacent, eh?
So this song is my acknowledgement of D-Day. It maybe makes me seem a bit more supportive of war and the military than I really am. But the D-Day invasion was certainly one way of destroying Nazism, whatever the arguments might be about empire and imperialism and ruling classes and the rest.
The picture I’ve used to illustrate the song is an old picture of two women in my life. My dad never met them. They both have blue eyes. Though brown might have been better!
Very few people examine lyrics for meaning (not my lyrics anyway!) but I’d like to mention a few things about it anyway.
As many will know the title comes from the film ‘The Longest Day’ – all star cast and all that telling the story of D-Day. From what I’ve read subsequently it’s fairly accurate though clearly selective in what it portrays. So, that’s the title.
There are a couple of Churchill quotes in there – you might notice the ‘sunlit uplands’ and the ‘new dark age’. I know a lot of people who broadly hold a lot of the same views I do aren’t big Churchill fans – they point to the General Strike and his views on Ghandi and India and, well, lots of other stuff. I may agree, but he was very human and funny and emotional too – and most importantly he had Hitler and the Nazis ‘taped’ to use an old fashioned term. And some of his speeches still bring me out in goose bumps when I hear them. So I’m happy to quote him.
When I first came up with this song it was more specifically intended to be written as if it were the ‘voice’ of a contemporary person or participant. I dropped the idea really, probably because it would have been too difficult - but that’s why the phrases ‘this Nazi crew’ and the ‘patriotic types’ are in there – they’re old fashioned and meant to be. On the other hand the ‘piss and fear’ and calling out for mothers is more a modern view I think. A reminder that war is not glorious anyway. I hate that phrase ‘the glorious dead’ as there’s nothing at all glorious about being killed in war in my view.
The ‘eyes of blue’ are future generations of course – me for one. I was told that my dad was wounded in the D-Day landings but I later found out that wasn’t true (he was actually wounded in the raid on Dieppe in 1942). I don’t actually know if he was there, but I do know he was involved in several amphibious landings and when asked what he did in the war he said he was a radio operator on landing craft. He died in around 1976 when I wasn’t very old so I never got the chance to ask.
When I added the ‘eyes of brown’ I was thinking of Jewish people. This is a bit of an anomaly really, as at the time I don’t think many of the invasion forces were aware of the Holocaust. There’s a bit of a myth grown up that WW2 was a straightforward fight by the good guys against the perpetrators of the Holocaust which isn’t true – or at least is much more complicated. If you want an indictment of Winston Churchill by the way, I read his 6 volume History of the Second World War and I think I’m right in saying it’s not mentioned once. He mentions Jews in a faintly patronising way (as he does Greeks and Indians I think) just once or twice. I didn’t spot any outright racism though (even from a modern point of view) – but no mention of the Holocaust.
Anyway, going off on a tangent here – and I need to remind myself that it is just a song and doesn’t support that much analysis.
Moving on...I’m still not 100% sure about the ‘when England’s right’ line and ‘salute your name’ but in this case I reckon that patriotism is defensible at least – so it stayed. ‘The Allies’ wouldn’t have worked as an alternative lyric by the way but it’s worth remembering the men from New Jersey or Idaho or wherever - and from right across the world that died liberating countries thousands of miles from home.
One final thing to say about this song. The last verse doesn’t really work very well I’m afraid. This was my attempt to finish the song by bringing things up to date – a reminder that there are still Nazis about. The BNP must have been ‘on the rise’ when I wrote this. I was sort of echoing (maybe consciously I’m not sure) Woody Allen. There’s a scene in one of his films where one of his Liberal friends is talking about how the Nazis were given what for in an article in the New York Times - Woody suggests that going down to meet the Nazis with a baseball bat would be more effective. I applaud the sentiment at least.
This reminds me that I was threatened with arrest in Leeds a few years ago against the background of a Nazi demonstration. Nick Griffin had been arrested for something or other and was on trial at Leeds Crown Court. I didn’t know this and stumbled upon it when I came out of my work for a sandwich. One of the apparently rival right wing groups that were there had their own flag. This is worth mentioning – the flags were bright red with a white circle in the middle. In the circle was a black cross like affair. Didn’t half remind me of something. And I think they still objected to being called Nazis.
Anyway, one of them had a megaphone and was going on about how millions had died defending free speech (I think Mr G was up on a charge of inciting racial hatred or something). I overheard this and got a bit cross. I shouted ‘from the Nazis’ to point out the obvious fact that the war was well, generally in favour of free speech and that millions had indeed died defending free speech – from the Nazis. Before I knew it a big and angry looking policeman came barrelling towards me with three of his mates just behind nearly knocking me over and telling me I’d better shut up or he’d arrest me. These days I like to think I’d tell him to calm down and point out that if it were OK for Nazis to shout down a megaphone it was OK for me to shout without one. It must have made a bit of a ridiculous sight as I remember I had a sandwich in a bag in one hand and a vanilla slice in a bag in the other. I sort of shrugged and walked off I think.
Anyway, the point is that once in a while you get Nazis on the street who need to be confronted on the street. When I first came to Leeds I was attacked by Nazis in my first few days for wearing an anti racism badge. That wouldn’t happen these days and I genuinely think that racism of that kind is receding into history, and since I wrote the song the prospect of Nazis on the street seems more remote. But it didn’t at the time is the point. And best not to be complacent, eh?
So this song is my acknowledgement of D-Day. It maybe makes me seem a bit more supportive of war and the military than I really am. But the D-Day invasion was certainly one way of destroying Nazism, whatever the arguments might be about empire and imperialism and ruling classes and the rest.
The picture I’ve used to illustrate the song is an old picture of two women in my life. My dad never met them. They both have blue eyes. Though brown might have been better!
lyrics:
Longest Day
Here, on the longest day of the year
Dawn is breaking from above the waves
But we are sure why we’re here
I’m here for you – your eyes of blue
Unborn, un-named
Free just the same
Here, on the greatest day of the year
Fight your way up to the sunlit uplands
Against the new dark age
We hit the ground - for her eyes of brown
We get back up
For a future love
Not just the patriotic types
But everybody came
And just for once when England’s right
We can salute your name
Here, the shortened lives and the tears
The teenage boys cry out for their mothers
In shit and sweat and piss and fear
‘Cos talking won’t do
Against this Nazi crew
A fight for peace and truth
Coming to a street near you
Here, on the longest day of the year
Dawn is breaking from above the waves
But we are sure why we’re here
I’m here for you – your eyes of blue
Unborn, un-named
Free just the same
Here, on the greatest day of the year
Fight your way up to the sunlit uplands
Against the new dark age
We hit the ground - for her eyes of brown
We get back up
For a future love
Not just the patriotic types
But everybody came
And just for once when England’s right
We can salute your name
Here, the shortened lives and the tears
The teenage boys cry out for their mothers
In shit and sweat and piss and fear
‘Cos talking won’t do
Against this Nazi crew
A fight for peace and truth
Coming to a street near you
Wednesday, June 04, 2014
David Crosby - Wow!
It’s so good to have been around music for years and years
and to still hear something so absolutely stunningly good that you want to listen
to it over and over again. Years ago I
remember buying ‘Down in the Tube Station at Midnight’ by the Jam and playing it
maybe 20 times in row. It was so good I
just couldn’t get enough of it. Similar
thing happened with ‘Bringing it all Back Home’ and ‘Hunky Dory’ – records so
good (for large parts anyway) that you wonder how it’s possible. More recently big sections of White Bread
Black Beer by Scritti Politti and Helplessness Blues by Fleet Foxes did the
same to me. Today’s is a song - ‘If She Called’
from David Crosby’s new album 'Croz'. It’s just
him and one guitar so far as I can tell too. It’s just stunningly good – I’m not going to
try to describe it – just go and have a listen. You should probably buy the album too.
It's undeniable that most songwriters decline over time. Some almost buck the trend (Neil Young springs to mind) but really, that's just what happens. I'm still hoping that Paul McCartney will come up with a couple more absolutely brilliant songs before he retires - but David Crosby is over 70 and this song really is as good as anything he's ever done - vaguely reminds me of 'Everybody's Been Burned' in approach. Go and listen to it now!
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Lawnmower delivery update
I forgot to
mention – I ordered the lawnmower previously referred to online as the shop (I’ll
call it shop and not ‘store’ thank you) didn’t have any of the most suitable model
in stock - except on display of course. This is the
good old fashioned routine I’m used to...But order online by 6pm and they
guarantee delivery the next day. I raced
home from the shop and got the order in at 5.48 on the Wednesday afternoon. By 7pm on Thursday the thing hadn’t arrived
so I called their customer helpline (which was actually still open) to find out what had happened. I was told that really I needed to have
ordered it a couple of hours earlier for next day delivery as it takes a while
for them to process the order.
So...if you’re
ordering from B&Q just nip over to wherever they’re based and find out how
much before the 6pm cut-off point is the real life cut-off point that's not the advertised cut-off point. Or stay in all day the day after the one they
say they’re going to deliver on...
I would make some quip suggesting violent
retribution but the police do their policing via the internet now and their
sense of proportion was taken away in government cuts...So I won’t.
Making do with one lawnmower
Sometimes I
love the stupidity of online...For example...I just bought a lawnmower online
(I know, rock and roll!) – the website I’ve just bought the lawnmower from then
says ‘you may also want...’ – and shows me a list of suggestions for things I
might also want to go with my new lawnmower.
This consists of a string of pictures of, guess what? – Lawnmowers!
Now I don’t
know about you, and call me crazy if you like, but I’d suggest that if you’re in
the business of selling lawnmowers via your website a really bad time to try to
sell someone a lawnmower is 10 seconds after they’ve just bought a lawnmower
from your website.
And now I’m
being pursued by lawnmowers. I can’t
visit a website without banners and side thingies and pop ups with adverts for
lawnmowers. I guess there may be things
that having bought one customers are desperate to immediately buy another one –
but lawnmowers?
I’m going to
ignore being stalked by lawnmowers. I’m
going to follow some of the other adverts – hey look! - Here they have ‘championship football results
at great prices’! And ‘still looking for can I paint on plasterboard?’ – I guess they have software that doesn’t work
properly – the clever young pups of marketing.
While I’m wooing
you with sexy lawnmower talk – the lawnmower I bought cost £68. The extended protection guarantee’ costs £2.99
a month for 10 months or £19.90 a year...You work it out...
Meanwhile
here’s the latest tempting offer just through from B&Q in the wake of my
lawnmower purchase from B&Q (though it could be from Flymo in the wake of
me having just bought a Flymo) – If I sign up to the Flymo Gardening Club
e-newsletter for free I can be entered into a prize draw to win a fantastic
Flymo UltraGlide! I rather assume this
is a lawnmower. A bit like the one I just
bought...
Yes, I just
bought a lawnmower. But just the one –
for now...
Laugh? I nearly drowned! - An urgent message from the safety elf
I have an
urgent update from the world of instructions...this is the best one since the
one about not letting burglars in through the cat-flap...This one is from the
instructions for some Slazenger swimming goggles.
The first
item in the “GB: Fitting Instruction” is a WARNING
– “use only under competent supervision”...well, OK, I guess that means no-one can
use them to swim unsupervised - but the second part of the first sentence on the
instruction leaflet says “WILL NOT PROTECT AGAINST DROWNING”
So...There you have it. All you
people who breath through your eyes should really be careful and I repeat just
to make the warning crystal clear – that WEARING
SWIMMING GOGGLES WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM DROWNING! Have you got that people?
I’m going to
have to contact Slazenger I guess – will my trunks protect me against
drowning? Or flippers perhaps? At my local pool people have been wearing goggles on their eyes and breathing through their noses - the fools!
Sunday, May 04, 2014
Designer frames?
I've just ordered some new glasses. As in specs. I have a couple of random thoughts. The first is when did it become such a money making racket? Sure, nowadays I have complicated lenses and whatnot but when did the inevitable response to the question 'can I have some new glasses please?' become 'certainly sir, that'll be four hundred and fifty pounds'?
The other one is how do they invent the frames that are not 'designer frames'? Do these frames not have a designer? Do they have one shed containing Giorgio Armani and Kok Wank sitting down with sketch books and Mac books and another shed with half a dozen monkeys with some bits of wire and string throwing frames together for plebs?
I think what they mean is that the cheaper frames have been designed by a designer that you've not heard of. Mind you. I haven't heard of most of the designers. Some were apprently designed by the Police for a start. Whether this was Sting and co or your local Community Support Officer wasn't clear.
But the main cost is still the lenses - silver, gold or platinum sir? I'd like the plutonium lenses please! As advertised by the silver haired couple with perfect teeth. Or could I have the magnesium ones? And a match.
Trouble is I like to see and I don't want to look really stupid (a bit stupid is fine!) so they've got me. And my money...
The other one is how do they invent the frames that are not 'designer frames'? Do these frames not have a designer? Do they have one shed containing Giorgio Armani and Kok Wank sitting down with sketch books and Mac books and another shed with half a dozen monkeys with some bits of wire and string throwing frames together for plebs?
I think what they mean is that the cheaper frames have been designed by a designer that you've not heard of. Mind you. I haven't heard of most of the designers. Some were apprently designed by the Police for a start. Whether this was Sting and co or your local Community Support Officer wasn't clear.
But the main cost is still the lenses - silver, gold or platinum sir? I'd like the plutonium lenses please! As advertised by the silver haired couple with perfect teeth. Or could I have the magnesium ones? And a match.
Trouble is I like to see and I don't want to look really stupid (a bit stupid is fine!) so they've got me. And my money...
System's down mate!
Not that you'll remember but I posted a while back about a shopping trip to the local Co-op to buy a loaf of bread when they had a power cut to the till. They had bread, I had money, we both knew the price but they apparently didn't have enough electricity in the right place to actually sell me anything.
Well...same happened at my local post office recently. To be fair I have 2 local post offices. The nearer one is a bit useless and they don't seem to know how to do anything very post-officey. The slightly further away one is really good and they know what they're doing. They might have had the gumption to improvise and to have avoided what I'm about to relate...
But...on this occasion I went to the nearest post office. There was a hand-written sign on the counter window saying 'system down'. There was a man fiddling with a magazine at the counter (might have been the Puzzler or something similar). I approached and he pointed at the sign and shouted 'system's down'! I explained that I just wanted some second class large letter stamps and he said 'sorry mate, the system's down'. So it seemed the system was, er, down. I suggested that maybe he could sell me some stamps anyway. I knew he had stamps and I assured him I had money and I said he surely must have something that told him how much stamps were. Absolutely no bloody use at all. There was no way apparently that he could take some stamps out of the book he had in front of him and take my money and give me the stamps I wanted given the fact that the 'system' was 'down'! He said I could buy some ordinary stamps from the other counter (the grocery counter) where apparently the system was less down or it's down or upness was less crucial to the process of selling me stamps. But of course they only had small letter stamps not big letter stamps. Perhaps 'the system' isn't interested in the tiny but only the slightly bigger.
So...now you know. If the system is down you can still buy stamps. But only small ones. From the non post-office counter in the psot office.
If we ever have a prolonged power cut or system downage we'll all starve and everything will stop. The shop can be full of whatever it is you want. You may have money and you may be able to add up or just know what items cost. But they won't be able to sell you anything because the electricity is off somewhere or the system. Is. Down!
Well...same happened at my local post office recently. To be fair I have 2 local post offices. The nearer one is a bit useless and they don't seem to know how to do anything very post-officey. The slightly further away one is really good and they know what they're doing. They might have had the gumption to improvise and to have avoided what I'm about to relate...
But...on this occasion I went to the nearest post office. There was a hand-written sign on the counter window saying 'system down'. There was a man fiddling with a magazine at the counter (might have been the Puzzler or something similar). I approached and he pointed at the sign and shouted 'system's down'! I explained that I just wanted some second class large letter stamps and he said 'sorry mate, the system's down'. So it seemed the system was, er, down. I suggested that maybe he could sell me some stamps anyway. I knew he had stamps and I assured him I had money and I said he surely must have something that told him how much stamps were. Absolutely no bloody use at all. There was no way apparently that he could take some stamps out of the book he had in front of him and take my money and give me the stamps I wanted given the fact that the 'system' was 'down'! He said I could buy some ordinary stamps from the other counter (the grocery counter) where apparently the system was less down or it's down or upness was less crucial to the process of selling me stamps. But of course they only had small letter stamps not big letter stamps. Perhaps 'the system' isn't interested in the tiny but only the slightly bigger.
So...now you know. If the system is down you can still buy stamps. But only small ones. From the non post-office counter in the psot office.
If we ever have a prolonged power cut or system downage we'll all starve and everything will stop. The shop can be full of whatever it is you want. You may have money and you may be able to add up or just know what items cost. But they won't be able to sell you anything because the electricity is off somewhere or the system. Is. Down!
Size is really wasteful and annoying
Dear supermarkets, petrol stations and all shops. Could you please fix it for me next time I buy anything to LET ME HAVE A RECEIPT THAT'S LESS THAN 2 FEET LONG?!!!
A single receipt would be nice - Ideally just one piece of paper. Perhaps 2 or 3 inches in length. Also, I'd like not to have an advert for 5p a litre off petrol that you don't sell at your supermarket or for discounts on things that I've never bought before but your computer tells me I might be interested in. And I don't need a receipt for my shopping and a separate receipt for the method I used to pay for my shopping. You could actually not give me a receipt at all on most occasions if you like.
A single receipt would be nice - Ideally just one piece of paper. Perhaps 2 or 3 inches in length. Also, I'd like not to have an advert for 5p a litre off petrol that you don't sell at your supermarket or for discounts on things that I've never bought before but your computer tells me I might be interested in. And I don't need a receipt for my shopping and a separate receipt for the method I used to pay for my shopping. You could actually not give me a receipt at all on most occasions if you like.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
This ain't for no English teacher
I saw a job advert today - for an 'Assistant Principal: Inclusion & Cohort Provision'. Is this to do with being second in charge of providing soldiers to prevent the sacking of Rome? After consulting them?
I followed the link out of curiosity to find out if it meant anything. It says "We are seeking to appoint an outstanding Assistant Principal to join our Leadership Team You will be part of a strategic leadership team who direct and lead the school with particular responsibilities for inclusion and ensuring key cohorts have opportunities to make outstanding progress".
Ah ha - it's something to do with schools then (and not using full stops too by the looks...and inconsistent use of capitals for proper nouns...) In the next paragraph they use the word 'teacher'. It's just so depressing to see almost content free management-speak being used when they're advertising for a teacher. Here's the next paragraph:
"This role is for an exceptional teacher whose key purpose is to model and lead improvements in teaching, in particular for students who present challenge.
The main requirements relating to the leadership standards are listed below and involve the following commitment:
Notice how it reads like a content free Tony Blair conference speech.
C'mon education people, learn to speak proper! Sorry to go on but 'key cohorts'? Unpick that one!
Incidentally if they find an outstanding teacher could I suggest that they put them to work er, teaching?
I'm off to develop self and work with other....
I followed the link out of curiosity to find out if it meant anything. It says "We are seeking to appoint an outstanding Assistant Principal to join our Leadership Team You will be part of a strategic leadership team who direct and lead the school with particular responsibilities for inclusion and ensuring key cohorts have opportunities to make outstanding progress".
Ah ha - it's something to do with schools then (and not using full stops too by the looks...and inconsistent use of capitals for proper nouns...) In the next paragraph they use the word 'teacher'. It's just so depressing to see almost content free management-speak being used when they're advertising for a teacher. Here's the next paragraph:
"This role is for an exceptional teacher whose key purpose is to model and lead improvements in teaching, in particular for students who present challenge.
The main requirements relating to the leadership standards are listed below and involve the following commitment:
- Shaping the future
- Leading Learning and Teaching
- Developing Self and working with other
- Managing the Organisation
- Securing Accountability
- Strengthening Community"
Notice how it reads like a content free Tony Blair conference speech.
C'mon education people, learn to speak proper! Sorry to go on but 'key cohorts'? Unpick that one!
Incidentally if they find an outstanding teacher could I suggest that they put them to work er, teaching?
I'm off to develop self and work with other....
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Mind your makeup time
I keep seeing selfies of women without makeup. It's a right state of affairs that women
taking pictures of themselves without make-up is worthy of comment innit?
I have some harrumphy male advice for women -
Why not just save a few quid and never wear makeup ever? It works for me! I know it's for a good cause 'n all but do we
really live in a world where that is a weird suggestion?
Sunday, March 02, 2014
Scumalumnus!
Blimey, the Alumni are after me! They seem to have got my address somehow. Contrary to what you
might think, the Alumni are not a secret religious sect somehow connected to
the Knights Templar and conspiracies in the Catholic Church, but a sort of club
for people who went to a particular college or university. A bit like forming a club for people who went
in a particular pub a few times I guess, or one for people who cross the road
in the same place every day. But posher
– at least in their own heads. It seems
to be mainly about tapping people for money on the strength of them having some
sort of imagined continuing attachment to a place they went to school.
So, out of the blue I receive a magazine from the Alumni people at the University
of Leeds. I have an Alumni number - and they know where
I live! But they don’t know that much
about me it seems and would like to offer me the chance to update their records
for them, presumably so they can send me more stuff suggesting I might like to
provide them with a ‘career profile’ or to share my ‘career experiences’. While I’m on I’ll do that now...I don’t have
‘a career’, jobs are shit and badly paid and mostly boring and all the money’s
been stolen by the rich anyway. And I
wouldn’t want to hear anyone who’d had ‘a career’ talking about their ‘career’
anyway...
They’d like to know if I’d like to leave their rich
institution money in my will (No!) If I’d like to offer a work placement or
internship (er, No!) and a number of other questions partially alluded to above.
This is all based on a number of what seem to me to be
strange notions:
1)
That people have a loyalty to the college /
university they went to.
2)
That the people who went to that college /
university have that loyalty to such a degree (no pun intended) that they’ll
hand over money to prove it.
3)
That because you attended that particular institution you're likely to be successful and rich enough to have spare cash to give away to
an institution that is, to my mind, already quite well funded.
Well, what about us scumalumni? Us feckless ones who don’t have ‘a career’
and don’t care for one and don’t really care very much about the college they
ended up at as Liverpool seemed a bit far and they got bitten by a dog and lost
their train ticket in Manchester - that’d be me folks and my scumalumni club of
one!
Am I being unfair?
Nope, don’t think so. Here’s a
small piece of evidence which I consider crucial – the single strand of hair
that has them bang to rights / stitched up like a kipper by forensics if you like...Section
1 on the ‘Update your details’ form they send is the bit for personal
details. After title, ‘given name’
(that’s first name to us scum) and ‘Family name’ the next question is...
‘Honours (e.g. OBE)...
Now isn’t that the clincher? – They’re writing to people who
they think might have ‘honours’! And if
you don’t understand why that makes it inevitable that this form and the
magazine is heading for the bin as soon as I’ve tossed off this little snotty diatribe
then I’m afraid we have nothing in common...
For information, I did attend the University of Leeds – and
I did finish. Even back then if you
wanted to dress up in a silly hired comedy hat and gown and whatnot it came to about
£80 I think. I had my degree ‘conferred
in absentia’ which is bollocks-speak for ‘sent through the post’. The rebellious youth of today queue up for
the whole Adam Ant video palaver it seems to me – there must be some sulky
bolshy types who still go for the ‘absentia’ option. Which brings us back to ‘Alumni’ – I’d like
to say here that they didn’t do Latin at my school (so far as I know). It looked for a while a small number of
decades ago that snobbery and class and general elitist nonsense was on the
decline. Then it all got corporate and
the forces of class war were unleashed on the poor and we’ve been under the
thumb without even really knowing it ever since.
But, thanks to the Alumni I’ve been reminded. By the way, I may be an Alumnus (pronounced ‘a
numb nuts’) if my Latin serves (it serves ‘no purpose’! – Ha!)
As a postscript, I’ve just discovered in the small print
that “anyone who pledges a legacy to the University of Leeds will be entitled
to join the Brotherton Circle, our exclusive donor recognition society created
to thank those who are supporting the University in this unique way”. I assure you I’m not making this up btw. It is good to see that you can still send off
sixpence for exclusive membership of the Tufty Club though...Personally I’m
still saving the Bazooka comics...They have a range of exclusive benefits
too...
Enough already!
Friday, February 14, 2014
It's a bit obvious
Yup...it is a bit obvious with it being Friday 14th and all that. I think you may still be able to download this for free from Bandcamp...
Fills the corporte tat and chocolate gap between Christmas and Easter...But hey, I did get a song out of it!
http://johnparkes.bandcamp.com/track/valentines-day
Fills the corporte tat and chocolate gap between Christmas and Easter...But hey, I did get a song out of it!
http://johnparkes.bandcamp.com/track/valentines-day
Thursday, February 13, 2014
It's not just goverment you know...
Here’s another belter of a question from a recent YouGov poll – “Do you think
Special K having an exclusive partnership with Kylie Minogue where she helps
promote their products would be a good thing for Special K?”
Well?! C'mon...answer dammit!
Clearly I wanted to give them the full benefit of my opinion
on this. Just in case you were
interested – my opinion is that Special K is cornflakes for the sort of people
who go on diets and succumb to ‘marketing’. Smaller box, less calories for your money, all that stuff - but lots of pictures of strawberries and thin women with floaty scarves...least that's how I remember it...
By the way, you could spend ages deconstructing that Kylie
question – why for example should anyone waste a second of their time thinking
what would be good for a ridiculous brand? – mine you, I still worry about
Commander Black Cherry helping out the fruit starved Yogons...I might even make a list of ridiculous advertising stuff that I remember for no good reason. But first I have to chat to my girlfriends about 'serum'.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
In floods of private tears...
Do you think it uncharitable to suggest that the floods are
suddenly like, really important since
they started affecting the Home Counties and the Thames Valley?
I trust the very well off Thames Valley types who read and
write for the Daily Mail et al have been investing the tax cuts they’ve had
over recent years in fantastically efficient private sector solutions to
flooding – or will they be wanting help from the public services they don’t
think are worth paying for? I exclude the small number of non Tory voters in the Home Counties from this sneer of course...
They could get Barclays round with wads of cash from bonuses to soak up the water couldn't they?
Incidentally, why don't those who employ people in actual useful jobs like emptying the bins and turning people over in bed to prevent bed sores have to attract 'the very best' by paying 6 figure bonuses? The answer is that they have to attract very special people I guess - and there aren't enough ambitious, greedy criminal incompetents to go round...
Saturday, February 08, 2014
Oooh, Leeds! Callahan and Bramwell
Sometimes Leeds is a good place. And here's to 2 of Leeds' medium sized venues, namely the Irish Centre and the Brudenell Social Club! Why? Well...in the space of 3 days I've seen 2 of the world's current songwriting geniuses (geniei?) in venues where I could hear and see 'em properly.
Wednesday was Bill Callahan at the Irish Centre - a man who tells stories that both ring true and are clearly (sometimes) made up. A man who can twist a song's meaning around with a single pause or a single word. A man who gets better and better who's latest album is a work of genius (there's that word again).
I may write more later but for now you really should buy his latest album followed by his back catalogue. His band is ace too - everything perfectly chosen, tasteful in a proper rock and roll way...
And last night John Bramwell (from I am Kloot) doing a solo set at the Brudenell Social Club (the venue where everyone you love was on 6 months ago and you missed them...) - tales of love, the stars, the meaning of everyday life, the moon and ordinary things from a romantic poet who owns a van. The man is a staggeringly good guitar player - I don't mean in the diddly diddly look how fast he can play way but in the clever subtle choice of chords, runs, backing bits...but most of all brilliant, brilliant songs.
To explain the 'van' comment...I Am Kloot have a song that includes the line 'put your (or 'the' can't remember) suitcase in the van'. And this sums up to me where his songs come from - He is indeed a romantic poet but he's the sort of romantic poet that, were you to run away with, you'd do it in a Transit and not in a horse and carriage or a limo.
So, two blindingly great singer / songwriters. Both over 30 (and more!) and at the absolute top of their game. AND I GOT TO SEE THEM LIVE, IN PERSON, IN THE FLESH IN THE SPACE OF 3 DAYS IN LEEDS! This is a bit like stumbling across Leonard Cohen and Bob Dylan playing at your local pub in the same week...
Point is that you can see songwriting geniuses in Leeds at good venues (and £1.98 for a pint of Theakston's at the Brudenell people!) and you really should do it. 100 years after they're dead they'll be hailed by the whole world (well, possibly) and they're out and about now...
OK, I promise to get miserable again soon...
Wednesday was Bill Callahan at the Irish Centre - a man who tells stories that both ring true and are clearly (sometimes) made up. A man who can twist a song's meaning around with a single pause or a single word. A man who gets better and better who's latest album is a work of genius (there's that word again).
I may write more later but for now you really should buy his latest album followed by his back catalogue. His band is ace too - everything perfectly chosen, tasteful in a proper rock and roll way...
And last night John Bramwell (from I am Kloot) doing a solo set at the Brudenell Social Club (the venue where everyone you love was on 6 months ago and you missed them...) - tales of love, the stars, the meaning of everyday life, the moon and ordinary things from a romantic poet who owns a van. The man is a staggeringly good guitar player - I don't mean in the diddly diddly look how fast he can play way but in the clever subtle choice of chords, runs, backing bits...but most of all brilliant, brilliant songs.
To explain the 'van' comment...I Am Kloot have a song that includes the line 'put your (or 'the' can't remember) suitcase in the van'. And this sums up to me where his songs come from - He is indeed a romantic poet but he's the sort of romantic poet that, were you to run away with, you'd do it in a Transit and not in a horse and carriage or a limo.
So, two blindingly great singer / songwriters. Both over 30 (and more!) and at the absolute top of their game. AND I GOT TO SEE THEM LIVE, IN PERSON, IN THE FLESH IN THE SPACE OF 3 DAYS IN LEEDS! This is a bit like stumbling across Leonard Cohen and Bob Dylan playing at your local pub in the same week...
Point is that you can see songwriting geniuses in Leeds at good venues (and £1.98 for a pint of Theakston's at the Brudenell people!) and you really should do it. 100 years after they're dead they'll be hailed by the whole world (well, possibly) and they're out and about now...
OK, I promise to get miserable again soon...
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
This is the Neeews!
I was watching the lunchtime news on BBC1 just now. Top story was DLT (the ‘Hairy Cornflake’ fact
fans!) allegedly touching up a girl on Top of the Pops in the 1970s. The jury are invited to decide his guilt on
the basis of the change of expression of the girl in a video clip of TOTP apparently. The old ‘hide your crime away by doing it
live on TV in front of an audience' trick eh?
After that lot we were finally rescued from this tosh torrent b y Look North
- who were featuring the man writing the official song of the Tour de France...
Then we move on to an interview with someone who
might know the French president’s wife for some speculation on how unhappy she may be to
hear that her husband might be having an affair.
Then there’s an advert for live coverage of the
press conference on French economic policy that may be ‘overshadowed’ by the
fact that a French man might be having an affair with a French woman.
Then it’s back to sex with an explanation that
Bill Roche is an actor and not actually Ken Barlow from Corrie (thanks for that
BBC) - and a sex case from 50 years ago.
Then it’s over to a YouTube clip of an elephant overturning
a car (I promise you I am not making this up!)...But it’s relevant because there was a British person involved.
I decided to ask the BBC if we could have some
like, you know, news at some point. I
went to the BBC website and found there was ‘have your say’ section. I rather hoped for an email address or a ‘complaints’
button or something. Maybe even a postal address for Lord Reith? Instead you can
send them a text or ‘send us your videos, pictures and stories’ to which I am
tempted to say – 'employ some bloody journalists and find your own videos, pictures and stories
BBC’ Thank goodness there was a link to ‘boiling
water to snow web craze’ to prove they’re not afraid of the serious matters of
the day.
For completeness here’s the text of the er, text I
sent them (since I couldn’t be bothered searching for an email address).
“Dear BBC, what happened to the lunchtime
news? We had a DJ touching up a girl on
Top of the Pops, an ‘expert’ telling us about a French woman who may be unhappy
and a YouTube clip of an elephant turning over a car! I look forward to all the goss from the BB
house at 10 o’clock. Could we have some
news and / or journalism at some point please?
Or if you’re short I have some video of cats falling off things? Yours sincerely John Parkes (in Leeds)”
I don't suppose I can expect a reply in the whizzy have your say interactive multi-platform modern world...
Thursday, December 12, 2013
A corker!
There were various comments that crossed my mind about this review but I think if I wrote them down they'd look silly for various reasons - I'd really like you to read this though - my favourite review so far of the new album.
http://www.pennyblackmusic.co.uk/MagSitePages/Review.aspx?id=9343
Don't forget to have a look round the rest of the site - they're obvioulsy discerning people!
http://www.pennyblackmusic.co.uk/MagSitePages/Review.aspx?id=9343
Don't forget to have a look round the rest of the site - they're obvioulsy discerning people!
Tuesday, November 05, 2013
Corporate takeover?
OK, so this place is going to be a bit more advertis-ey and a bit more promo-ey and a bit less whine-ey and moan-ey over the next short while...This is because the new album is out and people are generally being nice about it - though I did get accused of McCartney style whimsy by one reviewer - Hurray! Re-evaluation of Ram anyone? I have a daughter and I wrote the first track 'Brand New Day' as a lullaby for her when she was tiny - so a slightly whimsical lullaby? Who ever would have thought...Shouldn't be too sensitive mind, what with me promising to hang bus company owners from lamp posts and whatnot in perevious posts...
I may try to get some new reviews up on the er, reviews page soon...quotes anyway.
People have been buying the album via Bandcamp which is good as the money goes straight into the 'doing more of this stuff'/ guitar strings don't buy themselves you know' fund...
Oh and I don't think I have proper links to the videos on here so here's one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5tgWBGa3zQ
So...please pass stuff around so I can get more comments advertising enlargements from spammers in the Congo...though real comments are OK too...
I may try to get some new reviews up on the er, reviews page soon...quotes anyway.
People have been buying the album via Bandcamp which is good as the money goes straight into the 'doing more of this stuff'/ guitar strings don't buy themselves you know' fund...
Oh and I don't think I have proper links to the videos on here so here's one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5tgWBGa3zQ
So...please pass stuff around so I can get more comments advertising enlargements from spammers in the Congo...though real comments are OK too...
Saturday, November 02, 2013
Smell The Blood is here!
Well...HRH, Doctor Who and assorted ex Spice girls are booked, the Very Big Bottle of Champagne is
on ice, the cake is decorated, the ribbon is ready for cutting, the plunger is ready to be plunged, the charges are set, the doping tests are all positive and er, the turkey is
in the oven...so everything is ready to launch the good ship THE NEW JOHN PARKES
ALBUM.
So, finally, after years of adding bits and polishing
bats (it spills their fruit by the way, the fruit ones anyway...) and getting a man in and filling in forms on databases and rehearsing and
playing and recording and generally A LOT OF STUFF!...
We are pleased to announce that The ‘Bleeding Edge / Distant Past’ album is out of the
box / the traps / the gates and begins sliding down the slipway and entering your oceanic heart
with top tunes and lyrics and ooh, you know, music stuff...On Monday. Or now really...(sorry those people queing at what are left of the record shops at midnight...)
Any road...best place to find it is probably bandcamp - http://johnparkes.bandcamp.com
where you can buy the CD or download – all very easy via Paypal – you can also
give it a listen there too.
You
can also check out a couple of videos...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diiAu_tcORE
for the video for ‘A Strange Affair’ and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5tgWBGa3zQ
for the video for ‘What To Do (One True Love)’
'Enjoy' as they say - but it's not about enjoyment is it? Nor is it art!
Anyway, you'd be very welcome to buy the album...
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Meaning and Celeberiddeee
Darn it!
I’ve been meaning to check this out before, but one of my pet ideas is
the removal of meaning from words in the modern world. I‘d been wondering if this still goes on as it
seemed to me it might be on the wane.
One example from a few years ago was the proposed renaming of the Post Office
(what were they going to call it, Consignia or something?) so as to remove from
its name any clues as to its purpose. But
it is clearly still going on. For
example my mum recently received a letter to tell her that Adult Social Care Services
Lincolnshire (I think that’s the name) is being renamed (it’ll be ‘re-branded’
of course...) ‘Focus’ or somesuch. So
previously it had a name consisting of 5 words that gave up to 5 clues as to what
it actually was - and this is now being replaced by a meaningless buzzword
which makes you think of cars or photography or something.
I also have a theory (and I’m pretty sure I’m not
the only one) that the word ‘celebrity’ has come to mean ‘someone very few
people have heard of’. I just found a
list of the most recent Celebrity Big Brother contestants. To my consternation I’d still heard of 2 of
them, namely Louie Spence (the pantomime gay stereotype) and Ron Atkinson
(possibly racist football manager). I
recognised the face of a third one too (Bruce Jones it seems) but I have no
idea what he does. Turns out he’s in
Corrie...why am I checking?
Sunday, September 08, 2013
And now...here they are...The Rutles! - I feel good, I feel bad...
Now, it’s impossible to explain here what the
Rutles are all about if you have no idea...but here’s my quick go....at sometime in the late 70s
(probably) there was a Beatles documentary on the telly called ‘All You need is
Love’ which was basically a potted history of the Beatles – could have even
been a series. It was pretty good and
included interviews with people such as Brian Epstein’s mother and well, some
of the usual ‘people who knew the Beatles’.
At the time ex Python Eric Idle was involved in a new series called ‘Rutland Weekend Television’...I should really direct you to Wikipedia. Anyway...it included a spoof bit about the ‘Rutles’ along with such golden phrases as ‘the legend that will last a lunchtime’ and ‘the pre-fab four’. Neil Innes wrote some very Beatle like songs. And 25 years later they’re playing those songs live. In fact have a look at this... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rutles
At the time ex Python Eric Idle was involved in a new series called ‘Rutland Weekend Television’...I should really direct you to Wikipedia. Anyway...it included a spoof bit about the ‘Rutles’ along with such golden phrases as ‘the legend that will last a lunchtime’ and ‘the pre-fab four’. Neil Innes wrote some very Beatle like songs. And 25 years later they’re playing those songs live. In fact have a look at this... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rutles
So...the Rutles were at the Brudenell Social Club
t’other night and I went along.
I'd been slightly confused by the advertising – it mentioned
‘The Ruttles’ (2 ts) somewhere for a start and said they featured Barry Wom and
Ron McNasty. Now how can you put on the
Rutles without a) being able to spell the name of the band and b) knowing that
is was Ron Nasty and Dirk McQuickly and that there was no such person as Ron
McNasty? Ah well, people are strange (in
Double Back Alley?)
On the night I was slightly put out that none of
the instruments used were anything like the proper Beatles ones (let’s not even
mention amps fact fans...) They’re not a tribute band in the rubbish er, tribute
band sense of the word. They are sort of
an affectionate parody – but the odd Hohner bass or Rickenbacker guitar
wouldn’t have gone amiss in my world.
They were pretty good though. But
here’s the weird thing...the two most memorable bits were 1) Neil Innes playing
the ‘Brave Sir Robin’ song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail and 2) a
version of All Things Must Pass (The George Harrison song from the album of the
same name) which somehow managed to be both a tiny bit silly (Mr Innes was
playing a ukulele for a start) but also really touching and heartfelt. A really serious song (optimistic, nah, not
really) done with a light touch that just brought out the beauty of it all. So it all felt good! This isn’t a great quality vid but it’s the
only one I can find on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUz6nokcLsw I don’t think this is as good as the version
they played in Leeds either!
So the Rutles were fun as I expected them to be though
the sounds were a bit unauthentic...Nearly forgot to mention, back in the day my
band Greenhouse played a version of the Rutles ‘I Must Be In Love’ live at the
few gigs that we did supporting the Wedding Present. So far as I know no recording exists of us
doing this!
If you’ve never heard the Rutles you should first
of all be a Beatles fan. You should then
buy the Rutles first album. The second
one is more Innes and less Beatles and to be honest not as good – but worth a
listen. Meanwhile I really should have written this a bit more, like proper...apologies.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
The ruthless efficiency of the private sector
Phew! - Relieved to find that purveyors of fatty, salty slop Pizza Hut are still advertising their delivery service - TO AREAS THEY WON'T DELIVER TO!
By which I mean my house. It seems childish to say that I didn't want any of their horrible stuff anyway - but I didn't want any of their horrible stuff anyway. I know I've mentioned this before but one should probably (or possibly anyway) drop in on these places once every few years to see what they're like / how they're getting on - last time in Pizza Hut I was genuinely surprised to find out how rubbish it was. Anyway, that's enough Hut...Mind you, last time I went to a Little Chef just wanting a cup of coffee the wait was considerably less than the scheduled hour and a half...
By which I mean my house. It seems childish to say that I didn't want any of their horrible stuff anyway - but I didn't want any of their horrible stuff anyway. I know I've mentioned this before but one should probably (or possibly anyway) drop in on these places once every few years to see what they're like / how they're getting on - last time in Pizza Hut I was genuinely surprised to find out how rubbish it was. Anyway, that's enough Hut...Mind you, last time I went to a Little Chef just wanting a cup of coffee the wait was considerably less than the scheduled hour and a half...
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
Another moan
Another quick moan about spam comments - seems lots of people in Latvia and France are particularly interested in my Blog - yeah, right...I'm getting loads of spam comments and they're a bit annoying. Ah well, that's the modern internet for you I guess, I remember when it were all trees...
Guerrilla tour starts!
Mm, well, calling it a 'guerrilla tour' is maybe not quite right. A gorilla tour or even a Bird's Eye Grillers tour (remember them? 'I hope it's chips etc...probably) might be more fun.
But I'm starting to do some open mic gigs. Well, doing one tonight anyway - heading off to Factory Street in Bradford tonight. Hope to get a couple of songs in at least...
https://www.facebook.com/events/520401368007445/#!/events/199706890180379/
But I'm starting to do some open mic gigs. Well, doing one tonight anyway - heading off to Factory Street in Bradford tonight. Hope to get a couple of songs in at least...
https://www.facebook.com/events/520401368007445/#!/events/199706890180379/
Go Gaslight!
Last night I finally got myself down to the Gaslight Club at Oporto in Leeds (Call Lane)
https://www.facebook.com/GaslightClubLeeds
Sound was good, acts were all great, ambiance good too...Sorry this is a bit like an ad but it is worth going down on a Monday night - and free to get in too...I want to play there - but even if they think I'm great they have a waiting list of AROUND A YEAR! So...given the case that this is the way things are I'm going to be doing some guerrilla open mic stuff over the next few months - in other words since I didn't get my arse in gear to get some gigs a year ago the only way I'm going to put it about a bit music wise is to do open mics...Actually, these are usually booked in advance too but generally not a year...so see you down at wherever the mood, geography or inclination takes us...
Incidentally, I have wondered about doing reviews of a sort of gigs or whatever on here. Trouble is it takes too long and often I feel like I only have fairly ordinary descriptions rather than exciting insights anyway - and there's a big dose of that 'they're really good, just not quite my kind of thing' about a lot of people / acts.
https://www.facebook.com/GaslightClubLeeds
Sound was good, acts were all great, ambiance good too...Sorry this is a bit like an ad but it is worth going down on a Monday night - and free to get in too...I want to play there - but even if they think I'm great they have a waiting list of AROUND A YEAR! So...given the case that this is the way things are I'm going to be doing some guerrilla open mic stuff over the next few months - in other words since I didn't get my arse in gear to get some gigs a year ago the only way I'm going to put it about a bit music wise is to do open mics...Actually, these are usually booked in advance too but generally not a year...so see you down at wherever the mood, geography or inclination takes us...
Incidentally, I have wondered about doing reviews of a sort of gigs or whatever on here. Trouble is it takes too long and often I feel like I only have fairly ordinary descriptions rather than exciting insights anyway - and there's a big dose of that 'they're really good, just not quite my kind of thing' about a lot of people / acts.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Sterilise the lot of 'em!
I'm sick of paying my taxes to finance these people coming over here and having bloody children left right and centre and expecting the state to pick up the tab...Bloody spongers and scroungers. We pay for them to live in massive houses and they don't even think of getting proper jobs and working for a living. Not only that but many of them haven't had a proper job for generations. We tolerate this and it goes on and on. They're just taking advantage and I'm sick of it...Bloody royals...
Wither the weather...
So once again the story was written. Wall to wall sun, unusually high temperatures, heatwave, anyone over 40 or under 10 is going to die, really hot, blah blah blah, help we're all going to die - and once again a lie. I'd just like to say to the British media JUST BECAUSE IT IS HOT IN YOUR TINY PIECE OF THE SOUTH EAST OF ENGLAND DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT'S LIKE THAT EVERYWHERE!
I really wish they wouldn't report their experience as if it were the whole country. Fact is that I swallowed this 'it's going to be baking hot even at night' twaddle and set off for the Deer Shed Festival this weekend with shorts (I did have some jeans too btw...) and just one thin jumper and only a thin sleeping bag with one blanket - and it was freezing at night! It was cloudy most of the time and it drizzled a tiny bit and it was misty and...well, the festival was good and the weather was OK - BUT THE WEATHER WAS NOT WHAT THEY SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE. I suppose if I'd religiously watched the local weather they might not have been so bad but all over the media were contstant references to hottest temperatures and sun and all the rest. In fact we've had a typically British summer - a few days of nice weather followed by cloud and coolness. I guess there msut be swathes of the country that never get a weather forcast because they're not at the extremes of the country or in London.
I really wish they wouldn't report their experience as if it were the whole country. Fact is that I swallowed this 'it's going to be baking hot even at night' twaddle and set off for the Deer Shed Festival this weekend with shorts (I did have some jeans too btw...) and just one thin jumper and only a thin sleeping bag with one blanket - and it was freezing at night! It was cloudy most of the time and it drizzled a tiny bit and it was misty and...well, the festival was good and the weather was OK - BUT THE WEATHER WAS NOT WHAT THEY SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE. I suppose if I'd religiously watched the local weather they might not have been so bad but all over the media were contstant references to hottest temperatures and sun and all the rest. In fact we've had a typically British summer - a few days of nice weather followed by cloud and coolness. I guess there msut be swathes of the country that never get a weather forcast because they're not at the extremes of the country or in London.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Enough of the baby already...
If it's not an offence and if we still have some sort of free speech I'd just like to say that I'm really sick of all this 'royal baby' stuff. Oh and I'm against the whole idea of monarchy too. I know this isn't particularly clever or funny or anything but I do think us republicans (not in the North American sense) should mention the fact once in a while.
If I was descended from murderous thugs / massive criminals I wouldn't be particularly pleased - although the word 'decended' is obviously a very loose term as they're so clearly not decended from some of the people they're supposed to be decended from...
The news is going to be grim for weeks and months, potentially forever. I just don't think it's 'news'...Ah well, another reason ot not watch telly I suppose...
...and as an aside, is there one person in the world with half a brain cell who doesn't realise that The Apprentice is freak show telly? I just saw a couple of minutes of it. I bet that in real life some of the contestants are not actually morons by the way. I presume they're willing to be humiliated for money, that's all...
If I was descended from murderous thugs / massive criminals I wouldn't be particularly pleased - although the word 'decended' is obviously a very loose term as they're so clearly not decended from some of the people they're supposed to be decended from...
The news is going to be grim for weeks and months, potentially forever. I just don't think it's 'news'...Ah well, another reason ot not watch telly I suppose...
...and as an aside, is there one person in the world with half a brain cell who doesn't realise that The Apprentice is freak show telly? I just saw a couple of minutes of it. I bet that in real life some of the contestants are not actually morons by the way. I presume they're willing to be humiliated for money, that's all...
Monday, July 15, 2013
Help Me! Help Me!
Oh deary deary me...
The voluntary sector is generally a good thing - people doing good stuff for not much money. But I do wish they'd learn to communicate. By which I mean I wish they'd learn to speak English.
This is item 1 from a job description for a job currently on offer. Maybe they've been corrupted by government who frequently can't speak English either...
The voluntary sector is generally a good thing - people doing good stuff for not much money. But I do wish they'd learn to communicate. By which I mean I wish they'd learn to speak English.
This is item 1 from a job description for a job currently on offer. Maybe they've been corrupted by government who frequently can't speak English either...
"to deliver the Yorkshire & Humber element of the national programme under the Health and Care Voluntary Sector Strategic Partner Programme and the Innovation Excellence and Strategic Development programme for the Department of Health and through Regional Voices".
Got that everyone? Yep, a list of aspirational buzzwords made into meaningless names with the word 'deliver' at the beginning.
Ironically the poor sod who gets this job has to do a monthly newsletter! Mind you it'll be written in such a way as to exclude the plebs...Don't know about you but I think people who get public money should be made to attend English classes...
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
One of the more fun disasters
Now I don't normally include photos but here's one. Spotted at a local event last weekend. I won't mention what event it was because I'm not having a go at the event but I do wonder about this particular attraction.
Is it just me or is this clearly a tragedy themed inflatable fun slide? Come and pretent to be one of 1,500 people cast into dark and freezing water to die a horrible death! Can the 9-11 bouncy castle be far behind?
I wonder how they market this thing?!
A moment's research reveals I'm not the first to notice...
http://www.odditycentral.com/news/inflatable-titanic-slide-is-so-fun-its-been-banned.html
And I thought my 9-11 suggestion was bad!
Is it just me or is this clearly a tragedy themed inflatable fun slide? Come and pretent to be one of 1,500 people cast into dark and freezing water to die a horrible death! Can the 9-11 bouncy castle be far behind?
I wonder how they market this thing?!
A moment's research reveals I'm not the first to notice...
http://www.odditycentral.com/news/inflatable-titanic-slide-is-so-fun-its-been-banned.html
And I thought my 9-11 suggestion was bad!
Sport is reet 'ard actually...
Blimey, sport? Me?
Sorry to come over all well, like the meedja but I wanted to say something about Andy Murray. Simple really. Thing is that that Wimbledon final looked really hard work. It was a reminder that even really talented people have to work really hard to be successful at what they do. Just maybe it's a sign that we're moving towards people being well known for their achievements rather than their personality disorders or for going shopping.
Mind you the Apprentice is still on isn't it? So the freaks are still there to be beaten...
Sorry to come over all well, like the meedja but I wanted to say something about Andy Murray. Simple really. Thing is that that Wimbledon final looked really hard work. It was a reminder that even really talented people have to work really hard to be successful at what they do. Just maybe it's a sign that we're moving towards people being well known for their achievements rather than their personality disorders or for going shopping.
Mind you the Apprentice is still on isn't it? So the freaks are still there to be beaten...
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Nelson Mandela
Obviously there was some celebration on the demise of Margaret Thatcher. Oddly she did inspire a lot of great music. When British industry closed down in favour of the Kingdom of Spivs a lot of us had a lot of time on our hands to make music. But this post is about Nelson Mandela. I'm just wondering if those middle aged Tories who were young Tories back in the late 70s and early 80s will be polishing their 'Hang Nelson Mandela' badges and putting on their 'Nelson Mandela is a Terrorist' t-shirts and preparing to party?
Back then there was a mining department at Leeds University (remember mining!?) and you'd occasionally see me at a picket of job interviews. Yeah I know, not exactly freedom fighting but better than doing absolutely nothing I like to think...If I remember rightly Rio Tinto Zinc were employing (white) mining engineers to go and live in big houses with swimming pools while the South African police gunned down (black) children for wanting to go to school. That was when moderate Tories suggested that we 'engage' with South Africa - by investing in Krugerands and playing them at sport while supposedly telling them that this violent racism stuff wasn't really cricket apparently. The phrase 'playing the white man' springs to mind. At the time many saw apartheid as a bit weird but not really any of our business and there was a tendency to believe the authorities' stories that young black men were beating themselves half to death then throwing themselves out of office block windows when the police weren't looking.
We should admit that there was an element of 'wind up the lefties' in the young Tories, but they were the ones actively supporting the apartheid regime. They remain a bunch of evil bastards if you ask me and I suspect that some of them are in the current government. They effectively supported racial violence and gunning down children in the street. And when Nelson Mandela goes, which I hope is still some time away please beat up a Tory for me. And for Nelson. It's the only language they understand.
Back then there was a mining department at Leeds University (remember mining!?) and you'd occasionally see me at a picket of job interviews. Yeah I know, not exactly freedom fighting but better than doing absolutely nothing I like to think...If I remember rightly Rio Tinto Zinc were employing (white) mining engineers to go and live in big houses with swimming pools while the South African police gunned down (black) children for wanting to go to school. That was when moderate Tories suggested that we 'engage' with South Africa - by investing in Krugerands and playing them at sport while supposedly telling them that this violent racism stuff wasn't really cricket apparently. The phrase 'playing the white man' springs to mind. At the time many saw apartheid as a bit weird but not really any of our business and there was a tendency to believe the authorities' stories that young black men were beating themselves half to death then throwing themselves out of office block windows when the police weren't looking.
We should admit that there was an element of 'wind up the lefties' in the young Tories, but they were the ones actively supporting the apartheid regime. They remain a bunch of evil bastards if you ask me and I suspect that some of them are in the current government. They effectively supported racial violence and gunning down children in the street. And when Nelson Mandela goes, which I hope is still some time away please beat up a Tory for me. And for Nelson. It's the only language they understand.
Chris Packham goes nuclear!
In common with presumably a large proportion of the
coolest sections of the UK population I’ve been following Chris Packham
sneaking Clash songs into Springwatch – today he actually blatantly name checked
the Clash. Weirdly, I’d just been saying
‘he’ll never squeeze White Man in Hammersmith Palais in’ – and he did! Within seconds – (with a crowbar I have to admit) along with Rock the Casbah
and Janie Jones a couple of minutes later.
I’ve since checked and he’s been getting absolutely loads of them in! I guess he had to be blatant to get the
difficult ones in.
http://www.chrispackham.co.uk/news/blog/chris-wild-encounters/the-story-of-the-springwatch-clash-volume-1
Anyone who knows his Clash is OK by me. And he’s been logging the whole thing! And the whole Springwatch nature / animals thing? Can take it or leave it, me...
His opinion / assessment of the Clash is spot on and weirdly mirrors my own experience - except that I saw them in Sheffield and the shop was WH Smiths in Grimsby...
Monday, June 10, 2013
This is a plug - but it is for cherriddy
It's the internet and there's a picture of a cat on this link! C,mon, we all know that's what everyone wants! I'd like everyone who can to sponsor Mike from Cloth Cat in Leeds who is doing one of those crazy amount of miles run things along Hadrian's wall or something (70 miles or something really daft). Just a few quid so if he dies we can say it was worth it...
Here's a bit of blurb about Cloth Cat. After that I promise to shut up. For a bit...Thanks for listening
Here's a bit of blurb about Cloth Cat. After that I promise to shut up. For a bit...Thanks for listening
Cloth Cat
aims to increase the quality of people living in deprived inner city areas of
Leeds by promoting, supporting, inspiring and encouraging them, using music as
the tool.
Central
to our activities is a programme of practical music based community courses
covering subjects from singing and instrument tuition to music production,
DJing and the business of music.
Cloth Cat
also works with groups such as the homeless, those with mental health problems
and disenfranchised youth, providing the necessary support for rehabilitation,
therapy and as a positive social outlet.
We also
are committed to people who have not had access to these types of opportunities
in the past, helping them develop their skills through mentoring, performances
and signposting to other agencies. In some
cases students have developed through Cloth Cat to become teachers in their own
right.
https://www.facebook.com/events/129174253945652/
Spambot Stats
Sad to say that the stats for this 'ere JP blog thang are still totally mucked up by the spambots and their fake comments. They're quite easy to spot (for a person anyway, apparently not for an antispambot bot) and can be quite entertaining for a short while.
Apologies if you do make a comment and don't get a response - though if you are human and it looks like you're genuine I may well reply!
Apologies if you do make a comment and don't get a response - though if you are human and it looks like you're genuine I may well reply!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Donate!
I laughed out loud at the cartoon in the new Private Eye - a man saying 'I can't remember being so indifferent since Diana died' and I have to say that I haven't been to a Thatcher is dead celebration street party or whatever at all. Whole Sky Monitor did have a beer mind you...
But being serious, our man Billy Bragg who rarely says owt stupid did suggest this website. I agree so I'm passing on the link http://donthatedonate.com/ There is a certain callousness about celebrating anyone's death so you can go here and mark the death of Maggie by donating...
I'm going to give a few quid to the Tutu Foundation. I'm not a Christian (far from it...) but when Des goes I will probably shed a tear...but hopefully that's a long time away...
But being serious, our man Billy Bragg who rarely says owt stupid did suggest this website. I agree so I'm passing on the link http://donthatedonate.com/ There is a certain callousness about celebrating anyone's death so you can go here and mark the death of Maggie by donating...
I'm going to give a few quid to the Tutu Foundation. I'm not a Christian (far from it...) but when Des goes I will probably shed a tear...but hopefully that's a long time away...
Maggie Maggie Maggie!
One or two people who are too young to remember have asked me what all the fuss is about Margaret Thatcher...
Well, here's my tuppennyworth...
These are the things I remember most about Maggie.
The sad fact is that she did win - greatest legacy being New Labour and the myth that only private enterprise works. I give you German Railways as a quick example. And British ones as another!
That's enough Thatcher...
Well, here's my tuppennyworth...
These are the things I remember most about Maggie.
- Awful patronising tone when talking to anyone at all
- Support for Apartheid South Africa
- Using the police to stop people legitimately using roads in coalfield areas during the miners strike (they'd arrest everyone who wouldn't turn back at road blocks and the courts would declare it illegal and let them go - then it'd happen again and again and again)
- Related to the above, using the police as a political tool
- Presiding over the conversion of the economy from manufacturing to 'services' which seems to mean moving money around from screen to screen and pocketing massive profits without actually doing anything useful (until it all went wrong)
- Her 'Victorian values' - not so much civic pride or public sewer building but a general prejudice against gay people and foreigners
- The massive and deliberate shift of power away from trade unions and their members to multinational corporations
- Complete lack of sympathy bordering on contempt for workers, Northerners, working northerners and the unemployed (and more I'm sure)
- Social values based on promoting and rewarding selfishness and greed
- Holes in the road
- Selling Council houses off with no intention of building any new ones
- Oh yes, there's the massive hypocrisy of that Francis of Assisi quote about harmony!
The sad fact is that she did win - greatest legacy being New Labour and the myth that only private enterprise works. I give you German Railways as a quick example. And British ones as another!
That's enough Thatcher...
Monday, April 01, 2013
Rough Little Mixes
Music! Yes, I'm going to mention music. I've been with Neil the top recording man today sorting out rough mixes of new recordings. I think this is what it would look like if I tweeted...
I now have what I need to rehearse bass playing and singing. Ah...work...Well, sort of...
I now have what I need to rehearse bass playing and singing. Ah...work...Well, sort of...
Fifty three quid!
If you don't know what I'm talking about here don't worry. Anyway, yes...any fool can live on £53 a week - for about a week. Until you need toilet roll and shampoo and stamps and need to catch a bus and buy a bit of food and...
So if IDS is going to live on £53 a week it has to be for at least 6 months or it means nothing...
Here's a thought on the benefits bill...Part of the reason for it being so high is that wages are so low. This is partly due to power being shifted from workers and unions to big international companies. So...the way to decrease the benefits bill is to give more power to those demanding higher wages. They then pay more in tax. So basically we're talking about a shift of power and money from the rich and powerful to the poor and powerless. Easy! Bring back left of centre politics and trade unions!
There you go IDS, you can have that for a consultancy fee of oh, I dunno...fifty three quid. Plus a bonus. Call it a million quid...
So if IDS is going to live on £53 a week it has to be for at least 6 months or it means nothing...
Here's a thought on the benefits bill...Part of the reason for it being so high is that wages are so low. This is partly due to power being shifted from workers and unions to big international companies. So...the way to decrease the benefits bill is to give more power to those demanding higher wages. They then pay more in tax. So basically we're talking about a shift of power and money from the rich and powerful to the poor and powerless. Easy! Bring back left of centre politics and trade unions!
There you go IDS, you can have that for a consultancy fee of oh, I dunno...fifty three quid. Plus a bonus. Call it a million quid...
Wednesday, March 06, 2013
The Spam Bots are winning!
I'm really sick of spam bots with their fake blog comments...
This is the kind of thing...
Here's another one...
This is the kind of thing...
"I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here.
The sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish.
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It's knacking my stats for one thing. I've had the odd chuckle at the near English but it is annoyingThe sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish.
nonetheless, you command get got an impatience over
that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come more formerly again since exactly the
same nearly a lot often inside case you shield this hike".
Here's another one...
"What a stuff of un-ambiguity and preserveness of precious
know-how
about unexpected feelings".
about unexpected feelings".
I get dozens of these things. To be fair I think Blogger is picking them up and removing them but I get the notifications y'see...
That's enough spam botting for now I think...
Too much to do...
Ooh, there should have been millions of posts recently but I haven't had time to do any. I'm seriously considering Twittering so I can just do the odd line here and there, though I much prefer pontificating at length. But here's some bits and pieces...
My old band from the 1980s, the Sinister Cleaners will be playing their first gig since er, 1987 at the Parish in Huddersfield on Saturday 13th April 2013.
I've been 'in the studio laying down some tracks' with Simon who used to be the Wedding Present's drummer back in the day - been recording some new songs, Neil from Chumbas at the controls...Andrew from the above mentioned Sinister Cleaners 'dropped by' and did some bits too.
My new album is all edited and mastered and ready to be manufactured.
I'm playing my first solo gig in ages at the White Rose Centre in Leeds on Saturday 9th March - I'm on at about 3.45 though there are top turns on all day - helping raise money for the MS Society.
And some brief music opinions...went to the NME tour thang at the O2 in Leeds recently - Miles Kane was incomprehensible - i.e. I saw no musical value whatsoever - though the drummer was good. I just didn't get it at all...just dull. Meanwhile Django Django unexpectedly put on a massive show and were ace. In fact...I'll make time in another post for them...and for Jake Bugg...
My old band from the 1980s, the Sinister Cleaners will be playing their first gig since er, 1987 at the Parish in Huddersfield on Saturday 13th April 2013.
I've been 'in the studio laying down some tracks' with Simon who used to be the Wedding Present's drummer back in the day - been recording some new songs, Neil from Chumbas at the controls...Andrew from the above mentioned Sinister Cleaners 'dropped by' and did some bits too.
My new album is all edited and mastered and ready to be manufactured.
I'm playing my first solo gig in ages at the White Rose Centre in Leeds on Saturday 9th March - I'm on at about 3.45 though there are top turns on all day - helping raise money for the MS Society.
And some brief music opinions...went to the NME tour thang at the O2 in Leeds recently - Miles Kane was incomprehensible - i.e. I saw no musical value whatsoever - though the drummer was good. I just didn't get it at all...just dull. Meanwhile Django Django unexpectedly put on a massive show and were ace. In fact...I'll make time in another post for them...and for Jake Bugg...
Our friends the banks
I'd like to ask a question. Why is it that the the profitable bits of the banks are going to be re-privatised first while we hang on to the 'toxic assets'? Why can't we, the owners of the banks (who nursed them back to health under public ownership it seems) get the profits and let the banks keep their toxic assets?
Why do we keep buying into the notion that private enterprise works while public ownership doesn't? Bankers proved they weren't fit to be er, bankers so we took their banks off them, pumped in billions of pounds ground from the poor in extra VAT and whatnot and when they're looking a bit healthier under public ownership we're planning to give them back to the people who should now be on the street begging not to be kicked into the gutter? Makes yer think though eh?
Why do we keep buying into the notion that private enterprise works while public ownership doesn't? Bankers proved they weren't fit to be er, bankers so we took their banks off them, pumped in billions of pounds ground from the poor in extra VAT and whatnot and when they're looking a bit healthier under public ownership we're planning to give them back to the people who should now be on the street begging not to be kicked into the gutter? Makes yer think though eh?
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
"Everything happens for a reason"
I heard someone say 'I think everything happens for a reason' recently. Well, I would like to say that that idea is offensive nonsense (I'm offended, call the police!) The idea that some cosmic force is hurling children to their deaths in the road or making you redundant so you can learn something new about your inner self - I think the word HALFWIT was invented for this sort of talk. The universe would be a truly scary place if reason had anything at all to do with all the bad stuff that happens. Randomness is scary but the idea that something was organising it all would be truly horrible!
Fish know better (cod philosophy, geddit?!)
...and if anyone posts any more of those damned homilies on Facebook (or anywhere I can see them!) I will kill them (oop, it's the police again!)
You know the sort of thing - generally starts with "A true friend..." I suggest A true friend "will tell you to shut the fuck up when you're talking like a halfwit"
Incidentally I do like the word halfwit. So far I'm not aware of anyone bleating on about how offensive it is.
I just spellchecked this post - Blogger spellcheck suggests that 'offensive' is wrong!
Fish know better (cod philosophy, geddit?!)
...and if anyone posts any more of those damned homilies on Facebook (or anywhere I can see them!) I will kill them (oop, it's the police again!)
You know the sort of thing - generally starts with "A true friend..." I suggest A true friend "will tell you to shut the fuck up when you're talking like a halfwit"
Incidentally I do like the word halfwit. So far I'm not aware of anyone bleating on about how offensive it is.
I just spellchecked this post - Blogger spellcheck suggests that 'offensive' is wrong!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
It's all free I tell you...But only for me!
Vistaprint have been in touch again. They like to stay in touch; in fact they
contact me every day pretty much.
Everything is free at Vistaprint (and the sun always shines one
presumes). Then they send me exclusive
offers and special deals (you won’t get them, no siree, they’re just for me –
oh you have!?) – and they’re currently having a “Mega Sale”. Thing is that everything is free – so how do
you reduce your prices from free? How do
you improve on free from a customer perspective?!
Here comes an analogy...Now I won’t need to tell
you how annoying ‘booking fees’ are on concert tickets. They tell you a ticket is, say, £20 but
actually it costs £22.50 to get one – outrageous. Now imagine that concerts are ‘free’ but you have
no idea how much the ‘booking fee’ is until right at the end of the
transaction. Now imagine that you have
to design your own concert tickets and upload logos and whatnot and basically
do the artwork. If you can be bothered you
work through the process - to find that your free ticket costs about £22.50.
That ladies and gentlemen is Vistaprint! Oh, and they do free delivery
on orders of over £10! If only
everything wasn’t free I might get my order up to a tenner. I wonder when they tell you how much the free
postage is going to cost you?
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Travel chaos linked to Savile investigation
You may have noticed the phenomenon of the ‘news’
story written in advance. Here’s an
example from today...The Metro has a headline saying “Icy blast plunges Britain
into travel chaos”. Well not where I was
- and for some reason I haven’t heard about this 'chaos'. Tell me more Metro...”by mid afternoon 6cm of
snow had fallen on Nottingham”. 6cm
eh? Well, clearly anyone 3 inches tall
will have had a problem – presumably this is the most dramatic snowfall they
could find? – not ‘up to 4mm which melted away almost instantly’ then? However they also said “accumulations of up
to 10cm were expected in many places” 10 feet?! Oh My God, no! No,10cm.
Oh and a car skidded in Oxfordshire.
Clearly this piece was going in the paper anyway, even though the chaos failed to materialise in real life. Someone I knew at school was killed on the road last week...didn’t
make the Metro though...People more interested in minor inconvenience if weather related...
I know this is only the Metro but really...Any
forecast of snow and the media re-run these tedious stories whatever the actual
facts.
Oh, here’s another disingenuous story...Look North
(the BBC ferflippsaxes...) reporting from outside St Gemma’s Hospice in Leeds recently – the story was of
an assault by Jimmy Savile. The reporter
had his most serious grave / ashen face on too of course. The clear implication was that Savile had
stooped so low as to molest a dying person – so was this the story? Actually no, it involved a visitor, not a
patient. But in all the hundreds of
Jimmy Savile stories why pick on this one?
Presumably because the titillation / ‘horror’ factor was higher. More drama, more moral outrage – ‘look, we’ve
got a story that’s even more terrible than other people’s’. They didn’t want to let go of the implication
and the hospice was forced to issue a statement (they’re against this sort of
thing, should you be wondering). Why should the hospice be singled out and forced to comment as the venue for an alleged assault when it seems hundreds of places were the venue for assaults?
Similarly there are people who may well be unpleasant law breakers and guilty
of sexual assault but are clearly not paedophiles. But the papers are able to link them to ‘Savile
investigation’ and so by implication they are.
In short I don’t think the concepts of ‘news’ and ‘implication’
should be mixed. If Jimmy Savile
assaulted a dying person say so, if someone is proved to be a paedophile say so
– but don’t tell the story in such a way
as to imply something that you clearly can’t back up with facts. And of course they never sucked up to sir Jimmy on Look North did they?
I know, I know, best not to go on the internet or watch the telly or read the papers. Note to self. Get a life instead...
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